Any Caregivers to Elderly Parents out there?

[Skippy]

If so, would you mind sharing any insights on your own experience?
Thanks in advance.

Updated question August 13,2011

How do you manage to do it and keep sane?
To be honest, my greatest fear was that he was going to have a
heart attack and die while DW was away.

[MrsSunshine]

ill come back later.

[MrsSunshine]

what kind of info are you looking for?

[Skippy]

what kind of info are you looking for?

How not to worry and keep sane(no kidding)

[DH666]

How not to worry and keep sane(no kidding)

Ask Patty. She may not reply in the thread but may PM you instead. She has been pretty much taking care of her parents since she was a teenager and has been a caregiver for at least 15 years.

[ninna]

Not yet--but this will be me in the years to come. My in-laws are preparing to sell their house and the first criteria for the purchase of their new place: shortest driving distance to our house. Literally every time they look at a house to buy, they set the trip on the car and calculate the distance from the potential new place to ours.

Guess that means we've been chosen out of all the kids for the role of caregiver when they become unable to care for themselves independently. LOL. That's ok. I see caring for DH's parents in their senior years as a privilege and an honour. Of course, maybe I think that because they're still living 30km away and perhaps I'll think differently when they are 5km away. LOL.

[MrsSunshine]

o dear.. can't say that you won't worry or stay sane.. were dealing with this now..Dh is taking care of his parents .. driving them to appts. tending to their landscaping needs.. eventually were going to be looking at more issues. even though he's 1 of 4.. (1 out of province). you'd never know he had 3 other siblings.. most of the time anyway.. its very hard.. i'll admit. but i would rather dh take care of them. then them.. or anyone else. I'd pm Patty..

[Lynn49]

Been there, done that, Skippy.....my Mom lived with us for 12 years...most of those were absolutely lovely. Then Aricept wore off and she sped downhill very quickly. It started with her forgetting words, concepts, then on to hearing "those people" in the hallway when she went to bed...people who wanted to steal things...then accusing us of taking her things...omg, that was about the worst part. Then she couldn't function enough to put together a sandwich for herself (kept getting lost in the process), leaving the stove elements on...thank god for our security system that announced her attempt to leave the house at all hours...then of course the bodily functions can't be controlled so it's on to plastic sheet liners, Depends...It got to the point where I slept with one ear and one eye open. Although we had a wonderful careworker who came every day to shower her and visit with her while I had an hour to myself and on Thursdays, blessed Thursdays, my hubby and I got in the same car at the same time, and had 4 hours to ourselves! Imagine that.
Anyway...it got to the point where I couldn't leave the house at all. Oh, my dear, devoted hubby said he's 'clean her' if she soiled herself, change her Depends, etc, so that I could go out by myself for a while, I didn't feel it was fair to him and certainly not to her, as she likely could sense that he was caring for her most private moments and not me.
So a nursing home was in order. I called our Supervisor on a Monday, and she said there was an opening on that very Thursday. I cried the rest of the week...Friends came that morning to be with me as I was almost hysterical with the grief of that decision, and probably with stress and over-tiredness. I almost made the call cancelling, but my friends knew I couldn't function anymore the way things were, and we finally packed her up and drove her to the "hospital". She had a semi-private room, with her own bedding, pictures, etc, and thank God she was so far 'gone' she didn't realize she was moving out of her home for the past 12 years. But I did, and it was all I could do to hold it together.

She positively bloomed in her new surroundings! She people-watched to her heart's content, sang with the piano player...omg...it was so much more stimulating than our home, visiting with us, and watching her tv in her livingroom.

Then one day, several weeks into her stay, (I went nearly every day to help her with lunch and visit with her, take her for walks in her wheelchair and get ice-cream at the little cafe), we were walking to get ice-cream and she said, "I want to go home.'
OMG, my heart just broke, but I pulled myself together and said, "Mom...as soon as 'the doctor' says you can come home, you will!" We got ice-cream, and I wheeled her back to her room, all the while my heart was breaking, thinking of how much she missed our home...then we reached her room and she sighed and said, "Oh...it's so good to be home. I'd like to have my nap now." !!!!

Skippy....it's a battle of emotions. You're up one day, down the next. They say the sky is pink, you just nod and say, yes, isn't it lovely? I don't know what stage you're relative is in, but it is a progression...you can almost have a road-map of where this is all going.

You know you can always PM me and we can chat...I'll give you all the help you need...I wish I had someone to ask all the questions I had...some not-so-nice (like: how will this finally end for her? When...? How long do we have? How will I know when it's really getting bad?)...I'm here for you, as I'm sure Patty is...Having gone through this, it's a responsibility I feel, for me to help anyone who is facing this now.

Blessings, Lynn

[miztia]

Its tough, even with a caregiver coming. I could write a book about our ordeals! My family looked after my grandmother while she lived on her own with caregivers coming a few times a week.
My grandmother hated them coming because she didnt like the invasion of privacy. I lived 5 miles from her, and my parents lived about 10 miles, so she was always calling to complain and what not. Living with us was not an option..anyway, as she got older, things that were not important, really, became extremely important to her, so we really learned to tolerate alot. One example was the caregiver couldnt make her a proper cup of tea, and the lady didnt know what a tea cozy was, which grandma liked to use. (caregiver thought she was supposed to put it on like a hat when she served tea hahaha) I once made her toast and made the huge mistake of not puting the peanut butter ALL the way to the edges. Little things like that upset her as she got older, but we just let go in one ear and out the other.
We checked on her everyday, did her bills, laundry, dinner, pills, and whatever else. As she got older I think she got mad that she couldnt be self sufficient like she used to be, and took it out on us, especially my mom who bent over backwards for her. Mom had to double check pills, because caregiver was always mixing them up. Caregiver was also screwing up the phone. They had to call in when they left, switching the phone over to anolog to do so (why I dont know), so that it disabled grandmas lifeline and apartment intercom, and would never switch it back. She did have one caregiver that was awesome and was a huge relief when we knew she was coming.
One thing, you have to recognize when its taking a toll on you, my parents didnt, and were getting sick from being run down and worried all the time. I also did everything I could to help them help granmda.
Being with you is the best care in the world in my opinion though even if it is for moral support or a caring ear that will listen to the complaints. I think now, everyone should save up to pay for homecare, because at 102yrs old we finally convinced her to go into a home last summer. She was there for one week, then passed away. The home she was in, in my opinion was horrendous and the worst thing for her. My parents still feel guilt over that.
Not saying every retirement home is bad, because there are some awesome people that do their best, but this one was not right for her. Sorry for the rambling and getting off topic a bit, but it still makes me angry, frustrated, and dissapointed with the care she got in the home. In fact when we went to pick up her personal belongings, the home told my dad that she was moved to the second floor and was sleeping. The records didnt even show that she died!!!
Just dont forget to have lots of patience and take time for yourself!

[Mia001]

what i know is , it takes a lot of love, patience , presence, time and to low down your speed at slow .....Dad was dead on dec 23 and i don't regret any minutes i was with him in the last 2-3 years of his life and cherish every good moments (yes there were ) i shared with him....

[Patty Smyth]

Wow I have to come back cause I don't know where to start.

[Skippy]

Thanks everyone thus far.
Today hasn't been a good day, despite the meds.that were changed for me.
It was all I could do to keep from crying
My greatest fear is him dying while I'm at home alone.
I am so fed up with death.

[Lynn49]

Thanks everyone thus far.
Today hasn't been a good day, despite the meds.that were changed for me.
It was all I could do to keep from crying
My greatest fear is him dying while I'm at home alone.
I am so fed up with death.

[avoncallingu]

Skippy, you're always so kind in offering your support to us here - I'd like to help but I'll have to get back to you- my doggie just climbed over the computer to sit on me - he's missing his "brother" whom he can't seem to find. (Our other dog left us on Thursday night when he took a tragic misadventure in front of a car.) I'll be back later.

[coupon girl]

hey skippy - my mom who is 89 has lived with us for 3 years now- when she was on her own she had 2 heart attacks - i was running from my job to her apt - i literally was running myself into the ground. then she had a brain tumour inbetween the heart attacks and she came thru that - god love her, for one year she lived with my brother and his family that didnt work out - anyway it is hard and sometimes easy- i feel sometimes i dont have a lot of me time - but i get over it - i thank my hubby for taking her in cause we have no kids at home since last year - no privacy for us - sometimes . but you know what i think she enjoys it here . She has homecare come in 3 times aweek to shower her and make her bed - that helps . I only work part-time 26 to 20 hours a week- i need that time and love working- even though i have a permanent injury myself. anyway thanks for listening - you will feel great in the end - erveryone tells me that - plus the 3 boys in my family are hardley there for her - so it is only me and me alone- so hang in there