house/baby troubles ~ update post 20

[jayne_a]

I'm currently having some mixed emotions right now. My husband and i have lost our last 2 potential homes. One due to a banking error, and the other due to a selfish family member. So we are currently living in an apartment. Anyways 2 years ago my husband and I talked about having another baby, and he said he wanted time to think. 2 months go, he finally said yes he wanted one too. For us to have kids, it isn't like i can just go off the pill, we have to go to a fertility doctor. Here's my problem, My husband wants to get into a house before the "procedure" is done, but i don't really care about a house. I know the apartment is small, but every time we get anywhere near having a house it seems to get taken from us, and after waiting 2 years wanting this baby, i don't want to wait another two, It's not like i'm getting any younger. besides, most ppl don't plan for a baby, so should i have to wait just b/c i need a doctor. The money for the fertility specialist is not an issue, we already have it. Plus we have a good income. What do you think? I'm sick of noticing every baby that comes near me and not being able to have one, and why does everyone need a house, lots of ppl have families in apartment. Sorry to vent, but i can't tell this to any friends or family, b/c they know nothing about our baby situation and DH doesn't want them too. ( We do agree on this.)

[Lynn49]

This is a decision for you both to make....but does your husband know your feelings about wanting another child before you "feel too old" to have one, or, as you say, "not getting any younger"...btw, we don't know how old you are...is this really an issue these days?
How old is your child? Are you wanting them to be closer together? How large is your apartment? Will they have to share a room? For how long? Do you have the space to store all the paraphenalia that comes from having another little one? Will the expense of another child mean that your dreams of owning a home go out the window?

Imho, owning a home IS a priority...it's something you OWN...it's security in your future..it's a yard for your kids..it's a neighbourhood where they meet friends..but that's just my opinion.

Wanting another baby is common...most of us, when we've determined we've completed out family still feel that "new baby" tug in our tummies and hearts, but realize that for what it is...just a normal feeling...In your case however, you truly want another baby...how long does your husband want to wait? I wonder if you both can reach an agreement, whereas if you don't have a home within another 6 months, a year, whatever you agree to, then it's time for another baby.

I'm sorry you've lost a couple of homes, but omg..we've lost oodles before we found THE one we truly loved to call 'home'. It sounds like maybe a change in real estate agent may be in order? Keep all your dealings to yourself so that family members can't interfere.

I know it's easy for us to say, 'be patient', but this is something only you and your husband can come to terms with....I think a good 'heart-to-heart' chat is in order here...good luck, Hon....

[MrsSunshine]

I have to agree with Lynn.

[anisa]

we didn't buy our house until my daughter was 6 and my son was almost 1.

i had always imagined that we would have a house after about 2-3 yrs of marriage. well life kept getting in the way, and by the time hubby agreed to have another kid, my daughter was 4. 1.5 years of trying and 8.5 months of being pregnant made my daughter 6 by the time her little brother was born.
i agree with you about focusing on another child before diving into house buying.
being in an apt. with 2 kids isn't ideal, but many, many ppl have done it. time is precious when trying to have children, especially when it isn't as easy as wham,-bam-you're preggo!

talk to your hubby about how you feel about your own age in regards to being able to have kids. of course you are already going the route of fertility treatments in your situation, but even then age is probably a big factor.

30 seems to be the time when we start to have a sharp decline in our healthy eggs, and i don't know how close you are to that age.

i wish you well!

[glowworm2k]

I think it makes sense to start down both roads. Getting pregnant isn't just a "decide and it happens" kind of thing (as I myself am now learning). Ditto finding a house you really like. Does it need to be an either/or? If I were in your shoes, I'd ask DH how he would feel about working on both... After the procedure, there's still 9 months of waiting, after all.

In terms of the house, I'd invite you to reflect on what makes an ideal home versus what kind of house will be "good enough." When we were looking for homes, we had a price range in mind, and then came up with a list of 5 items that were "must haves" and another 10-15 that were "extra" things... it made it a lot easier to find a house as we only looked at the must haves, and then ranked them based on the "extras".... doing something similar might help you decide on a home faster.

Good Luck!

[Andit]

I grew up in an apt with my folks. Up until I was 2, my bedroom was a walk-in closet (thankfully my Mom & I had a lot fewer clothes back then ).

My Dad grew up in a 1 bdrm apt with his folks & big sister. He didn't have his own room until he came to Canada as a refugee & lived in a rooming house.

My Mom grew up in a tiny house that's smaller than my friend's garage with her parents & little sister. She didn't have her own room until she was in her 40s (we moved to a bigger space).


There's an SCer on here who's raising triplets in a downtown condo.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to work on the family first. The house will come when it comes.

[anisa]

I think it makes sense to start down both roads. Getting pregnant isn't just a "decide and it happens" kind of thing (as I myself am now learning). Ditto finding a house you really like. Does it need to be an either/or? If I were in your shoes, I'd ask DH how he would feel about working on both... After the procedure, there's still 9 months of waiting, after all.

In terms of the house, I'd invite you to reflect on what makes an ideal home versus what kind of house will be "good enough." When we were looking for homes, we had a price range in mind, and then came up with a list of 5 items that were "must haves" and another 10-15 that were "extra" things... it made it a lot easier to find a house as we only looked at the must haves, and then ranked them based on the "extras".... doing something similar might help you decide on a home faster.

Good Luck!

one can accomplish a lot in 9 months!

and i totally agree on the house thing. i was a little disappointed when i started looking for my home. then i sat and thought about how my aunts and uncles, cousins and my parents pretty much all had "starter" homes as their first house.
a lot of searching and exploring options can bring you to your 'dream' house :D

[anisa]

I grew up in an apt with my folks. Up until I was 2, my bedroom was a walk-in closet (thankfully my Mom & I had a lot fewer clothes back then ).

My Dad grew up in a 1 bdrm apt with his folks & big sister. He didn't have his own room until he came to Canada as a refugee & lived in a rooming house.

My Mom grew up in a tiny house that's smaller than my friend's garage with her parents & little sister. She didn't have her own room until she was in her 40s (we moved to a bigger space).


There's an SCer on here who's raising triplets in a downtown condo.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to work on the family first. The house will come when it comes.

you can have a whole lotta love in small spaces

[Natalka]

I'm in agreement with Andi on this one - you can raise a family with love anywhere! We had our child when we were in a small apartment, then moved to a townhouse, and the only reason we are in a house now is because we have lucked out on the rent - and it's been stable, we've been here for almost 16 years. Would we have wanted to own a home? - sure, of course, but it hasn't been in the cards for us.

But in your case, as in all others, it takes two yesses to make that decision to have a baby. Especially since you need fertility treatment, it's seems to be even a bigger decision and you need to have your husband wholeheartedly on board.

[jayne_a]

thanks everyone, Dh and I have been to the doctors, and are set up to start the test's that are done prior to the actual procedure. But DH just wants to wait until we have a house. With the market where we are, it could take a few years before we find a house, and i don't just want to spend 200,000 on a house so that i can have a baby. It sounds dumb but that's kinda where we are at. And finding time for us to talk is hard. We see each other for 30 mins during the week days and i work every weekend. (no jokes every weekend) and on my 2 days off, I'm not home, I'm fulfilling my other obligations. Just feel very stressed right now about the whole thing.

[Lynn49]

thanks everyone, Dh and I have been to the doctors, and are set up to start the test's that are done prior to the actual procedure. But DH just wants to wait until we have a house. With the market where we are, it could take a few years before we find a house, and i don't just want to spend 200,000 on a house so that i can have a baby. It sounds dumb but that's kinda where we are at. And finding time for us to talk is hard. We see each other for 30 mins during the week days and i work every weekend. (no jokes every weekend) and on my 2 days off, I'm not home, I'm fulfilling my other obligations. Just feel very stressed right now about the whole thing.

Yes...you do seem very stressed and busy...would this really be a good time to bring another child into your world? With you and your husband having a whole 30 minutes with each other each week.....and, I'm assuming together with your first child......I'm a little confused here.....

[Brynhilde]

I grew up in an apt with my folks. Up until I was 2, my bedroom was a walk-in closet (thankfully my Mom & I had a lot fewer clothes back then ).

My Dad grew up in a 1 bdrm apt with his folks & big sister. He didn't have his own room until he came to Canada as a refugee & lived in a rooming house.

My Mom grew up in a tiny house that's smaller than my friend's garage with her parents & little sister. She didn't have her own room until she was in her 40s (we moved to a bigger space).


There's an SCer on here who's raising triplets in a downtown condo.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to work on the family first. The house will come when it comes.

I agree with your post. It's best to have children when both partners are OK with it IMO.

[Sally888]

I dont think you HAVE to own a home before you have kids. Gosh lots of people only rent their entire lives. We didn't buy a home until my oldest was 7 and we actually had already signed and bought before we found out I was pregnant as well.

But, I wouldnt go ahead with the fertility clinics and such unless you have his full support. I think you both need to sit down and talk things through more.

[roseofblack25]

I grew up in an apt with my folks. Up until I was 2, my bedroom was a walk-in closet (thankfully my Mom & I had a lot fewer clothes back then ).

My Dad grew up in a 1 bdrm apt with his folks & big sister. He didn't have his own room until he came to Canada as a refugee & lived in a rooming house.

My Mom grew up in a tiny house that's smaller than my friend's garage with her parents & little sister. She didn't have her own room until she was in her 40s (we moved to a bigger space).


There's an SCer on here who's raising triplets in a downtown condo.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to work on the family first. The house will come when it comes.

This! You always have time to find a house
I grew up in a townhouse that was rented by my parents, and we lived there until I was 16 before moving into my grandmother's house after she passed away. I shared a room with my sister in the townhouse because it was only two bedroom but it worked out well enough. I did enjoy the day I got my own room though LOL!

[bargain_hunter_lola]

My parents rented a townhouse until they bought their first home when I was 5 or so. Didn't make any difference to me. I dont really even remember much from when I was that young. lol.

DH & I had DD and then moved into our first house 6 months later. The only thing that was important to me was that we were married (she arrived 12 months and 1 week after our wedding). But that's just me. Different people have different priorities. I could live in an apartment or townhouse my entire life. I dont care but DH does. Having his own house is important to him. Again, different people have different priorities.

As long as you are both happy and agree, it's really up to you what you do and when. Good luck to you and best wishes!