Baby Guilt

[lll111]

I am feeling very guilty about things that I am not doing, or didn't do for my baby. Things like I did not nurse the baby within his first few hours of life. Or reading about things that the baby should be doing now that he is 1 month and he is not doing those things. I know baby's develop at their own pace but I am not doing things that I should to help him like playing music for the baby or looking in the mirror and pointing things out so he can follow those actions.

I haven't gotten a rattle type toy for the baby, but I don't think he can hold the rattle or squeeze toy.

Another thing I read online that newborns need their diaper changed about 10 to 12 times a day, I never changed my baby that much as a newborn.

The guilt is making me feel sick.
Please help and advise on what to do.

[BuggaBugga]

Aww don't beat yourself up. Being a new mom is so hard and you are probably doing a lot more for baby than you realize. As long as he is safe and healthy and happy you are doing a great job. I think one month old is so very young, I wouldn't worry too much about his development just yet. The fact that you would even write a post like this demonstrates that you are a very concerned and caring mother. I never changed my babies diapers that often either, only when they were obviously wet or dirty and they turned out good so far. Same with formula, BF is not for everyone and it is your choice and no one elses and you should do what is best for you. Your baby is much better off with a bottle and a happy mom, than with a boob and a sad mom. Millions of babies are formula fed and they are no better in the long run then those who were breast fed. It's not like he's going to flunk out of school because he was formula fed. If you feel like you should be playing with mirrors an music and all that it's not too late, but I think just holding him and talking to him is even better than that. Their sight is not all that fantastic at under a month old anyways is it?

[Darth Penguin]

Parenting isn't a competition....

It's about what works for you and your baby.

At 1 month old, their needs are very simple ...food, cleaning, burping, sleep and attention.

Worrying about trivia distracts you from your baby and your own needs. You need a good diet, being clean and sleep as well.

It's hard to put your needs ahead of other peoiple's expectations of how a "real mother(tm)" acts and reacts to her child but as long as you are both happy and your SO is on board then you are doing a good job.

{{{HUGS}}}lll111!

[lavenderplum]

I'm a new mom as well, and I've learned to to read up on all those things...
Honestly they scare the crap out of me too...as to what I'm doing and what I'm not doing...all kids are develop differently and you shouldn't worry about it.

[mommymonika]

It is so hard having your first baby. The guilt is natural and I think most parents feel guilty, I know I do.

As for the part about stimulating your baby and talking to them in order for them to develop normally, here is my experience:

I have a teaching degree as well as a degree in Early Childhood Education so when I had my first son I was very up on the current thinking around child development. I did everything, tummy time, singing, talking, outings etc. I read to him every day and played on the floor with him for hours. He did not meet hardly any of his milestones. He didn't crawl until almost 12 months and didin't walk until 20 months, which was very late and caused me a lot of anxiety and worry. He also didn't start talking until he was almost 2. I thought for sure there was some kind of issue going on with him. In the end, he is a bright, happy, typically developing kid. He's doing really well in school and is great all around (I know I'm biased!!)

My second son, I wasn't able to give the same kind of attention. In fact, I don't recall ever giving him tummy time as the older one would run around and I was worried about him being trampled. Occasionally, He listened in when i read to the older one but mostly he just got carted around to the older ones outings etc. The amount of planned and purposeful stimulation was minimal as I just couldn't seem to find the time etc with having the two kids. He crawled at 8 months and walked at 13 months and was talking up a storm by 2 years old.

I really came to realize that you have very little control over your child's development, just like you can't stop them from walking or crawling, you can't make it happen if they're not ready either.

In my humble opinion, the most important thing is that you show the baby lots of love and affection. The talking, singing, stimulation stuff is great, but cuddling your baby and smiling and kissing them is most important! You'll do great! It's obvious how much you love and care for your baby! Good luck.

[BCSparkyGirl]

Quit reading baby books. They fill your head with nonsense. Half the time I am convinced they are written by people who don't have children. Do what YOU think is right, not what some book tells you what you should be doing. Focus on just spending the time enjoying them, before you know it, they are walking and talking, and you missed the first stages because you were worried about "milestones"

[marstec]

A lot of parenting is common sense. Read lots and listen to what others have to say, but base your decisions on what is best for you and your baby. Whatever you do, make sure you take care of yourself as well as your baby.

It's true about the first one being your guinea pig, my other two children were allowed to cry for much longer and they went much longer between diaper changes than with our first!

[nadiabreckon]

I wouldn't worry too much about it... I scared myself because DS is a late talker, and he was 2yrs old and only saying about half dozen words...I was comparing him to other kids his age, and I was scared he would have problems later on! Everybody told me to quit worrying, that all children are different... We are new parents too, and I understand that it's hard not to compare your child to other kids doing things...

Just keep in mind that as long as your baby is happy, healthy and safe, you're doing a great job!!

[krysta lynne]

babies are needy but overall not very complicated. don't worry too much about those freaking flow charts. if there is any serious learning development problem you will know. you dont need some book to tell you.

as far as things you should be doing... as long as that baby is fed, clean, and gets positive attention there isn't much else it needs. books are meant to be read as a generalization. no baby will be like another. then books are guidelines not rules.

[mama_to_one_in_a_half]

I felt the same way, you just have to believe in yourself and your abilities. I still beat myself up about my son but I know that he is well taken care of and progressing as a 19 month old should. At one month I wouldn't worry too much about giving him a toy or going to the mirror just his needs at his age. We all learn as we go (imho).

[mellyskater]

Dont read the books or what other ppl do and take them to heart! As a first time mom with my now 20 month old son i felt that way too then realized ya i had a rattle but really did the 1 month old care, no, and then he would get overstimulated. I never forced tummy time bc he would scream, and to be honst for the first four months he nursed for 1 hr at a time every three hours and napped in between... He never really crawled and at 9.5 months walked, so dont worry

[safielstar]

I'm a first time mom too, so I understand the guilt... I feel guilty because DD was born small due to a pregnancy issue and is still only in the 10th percentile, I feel guilty that breastfeeding never worked out and DD is formula fed, I feel guilty that we co-slept until just recently...and then I realize that DD will likely be small anyway like me, that she's thriving really well on her formula, and co-sleeping was the only way for any of us to get some sleep while we tried out different sleep solutions that worked for us. Plus I'm a teacher so there's the extra guilt I feel because I want to give DD the best start in life before she starts school.

One thing I have learned pretty quickly is that all babies are different and they'll develop at their own pace regardless of any fancy stuff you do. I also learned not to stress too much...there are some days I'll be running around the house doing things and feel guilty that I'm not doing tummy time with DD or having her out on her playmat...but then I'll talk to her and she smiles at me and I realize she's happy just basking in the attention I give her.

Granted there are a few things I do try to do because I think they make a difference (not going by prior mom experience, just teacher experience): talking to DD when she's alert (even just describing to her what chore I'm doing), and reading to her at night before she goes to bed...and I don't always get to do this every day cause stuff happens, but I really try to do these two things because they're important to me...for other moms it might be a whole list of other stuff that I could care less about; you need to do what works best for you and your baby without feeling guilty (I know easier said than done).

I read the baby books as a reference but I don't take them completely to heart. And the 10-12 newborn diaper change thing? I never did that with my DD either...she's formula fed and didn't poop as often as breastfed babies (still doesn't), so I changed her diaper around 8 times a day when she was a newborn. And as for toys? my DD is not quite 3 months old and still has no interest in toys, she has a rattle but would rather stare at me or the dog than the rattle, or any of her toys, so don't feel bad...babies are fairly easy to entertain at this stage.

[lll111]

Thanks everyone for your replies and stories, they have made me feel much better.

[Ecochick]

I find it interesting how much guilt we all seem to feel, yet in reality I am fairly certain that if we were uninterested, bad mothers - a guilty thought wouldn't cross our minds.

Wait until your son starts smiling at you, once my little guy did that I knew all was well. My son is 7 months, he doesn't crawl, say words and he falls over every day (while sitting up) but he smiles at me and looks so content, happy and loved.

[anisa]

i think one thing to always remember, is that the way that modern parenting is outlined and defined is not necessary normal (for everyone) or natural.

Yes, we have knowledge today that allows us to make better informed decisions, but we can't do every single thing that we see and hear about. think of those things as suggestions, instead of what you should be doing every minute of every day

I kind of just went with the flow with my kids. That is what has been done through the ages.

Your child should be happy, healthy and developing steadily. You may see children that are all at very different stages. it depends on the child's personality, gender, and a lot of environmental factors.

relax and enjoy it