I can not deal with my MIL anymore

[rachel1496]

Ever hit a point where you are just done? I won't go into the whole thing but let's just say when it came to parenting she sucked the big one. She's emotionally abusive, manipulative and a narcissist and the more I hear about the things she did to my husband as a child the more I want to cut off all contact forever. The problem is he still thinks that if he just tries harder then maybe she'll finally love him. She uses her attention as currency, if he somehow displeases her she will stop talking to him, sometimes for months and once for almost 2 years. The day our daughter was born he called to tell her and instead of being happy for us she ripped into him about how he doesn't call her often enough. In the weeks leading up to her birth we moved, he went on medical leave, he got laid off, there was a huge issue with his former employer and EI and my mom got married. Things were hectic. She never once tried to call us during that time either but somehow the lack of contact was his fault and as a result she didn't see him again until last Christmas when our daughter was 18 months old. She hasn't been here to see the kids since then, her own son didn't even get an email on his birthday.

Well now she's back and she wants to come for Christmas. I want to tell her to kindly ^$^%$^ off, she's had a million chances to be involved in our lives and she hasn't taken any of them. I don't want my kids growing up thinking that Grandma's love is conditional and can be revoked at any time, for any reason. That's not healthy and it's not fair. Of course he wants her to come down and is already budgeting for a gift for her, clearing the schedule, etc; I don't want to tell him she can't come but I know she's just going to disappear again and everyone is going to be disappointed.

[KK7]

I know it may not be what you want to hear but dealing with people in the past like this I can say even if it is hard be the bigger person. Treat them with respect and kindness the way you would want to be treated. It maybe hard but well worth it. Also in the long run it is your husbands mother and in my opinion his decission. Further more if she does disappear aain don't tell him I told you so. We never know wether, it is a bad excuse or not, how she was raised or treated. I hate people who use there past as crutches but sadly there are alot that do. It is also a good example to show your child that you are trying and showing good values to boot.

[ex0ticb3lla]

I know it may not be what you want to hear but dealing with people in the past like this I can say even if it is hard be the bigger person. Treat them with respect and kindness the way you would want to be treated. It maybe hard but well worth it. Also in the long run it is your husbands mother and in my opinion his decission. Further more if she does disappear aain don't tell him I told you so. We never know wether, it is a bad excuse or not, how she was raised or treated. I hate people who use there past as crutches but sadly there are alot that do. It is also a good example to show your child that you are trying and showing good values to boot.

but at what point does it become a toxic relationship!? I have incredibly good values and a great family behind me. My husbands family is almost the same as posted above and I have decided it may not be best for my child to be put in a situation that forced my husband out of his house at 15 years old to raise himself.

[i_forget]

It may be an idea for your husband to go into therapy so that he can talk to a professional about his childhood, come to terms with the situation and learn positive ways to deal with her?

It must be horrible for him to have to deal with that. So sorry.

[snuffaluffagus]

My ex, his mother, and his family in general were much like you describe your in-law. I have to tell you, it pleased me to no end that we only saw them sporadically (and have no contact at all now that my older son is an adult himself). I never uttered a bad word against them and, as he's matured, he was able to see and judge for himself without my help. DS1 learned quickly, yet so sad for me to see him experience this, that he didn't want to be part of their conditional love and empty promises. In a sense, they actually helped me teach him how not to be when he grew up .

I would hope that your dh will be able to feel your support rather than your dismay at your MIL's visit. I promise this would mean much more to him and help build an even stronger bond between you both .

[rachel1496]

I know it may not be what you want to hear but dealing with people in the past like this I can say even if it is hard be the bigger person. Treat them with respect and kindness the way you would want to be treated. It maybe hard but well worth it. Also in the long run it is your husbands mother and in my opinion his decission. Further more if she does disappear aain don't tell him I told you so. We never know wether, it is a bad excuse or not, how she was raised or treated. I hate people who use there past as crutches but sadly there are alot that do. It is also a good example to show your child that you are trying and showing good values to boot.

I'm always civil to her, even when it pains me to do it. It's a rule my mom has, you don't have to be nice but you have to be civilized because you were raised better than that. I haven't said she can't come and I won't, my only rule was no Christmas Day because that is reserved for family that wants to be in our lives and we have plenty of that. The day is busy enough and I refuse to bail on someone who is there for us the other 364 days a year.

We went to a family wedding this summer and literally every single member of his family was there except her because she doesn't speak to any of them. All of them told me she's always been like this and she's not going to change. As much as she likes to blame me for the relationship problems between the two of them this relationship has been toxic for a long time, long before I was even in the picture.

[RebeccaRYoung]

I don't think much can be done at this point. You can talk to your husband about your feelings, but it's up to him to make the final decision. While I understand your frustration and anger, it is his mother. Some people just aren't ready or just aren't willing to give up on their parents. He may or may not ever be ready. I would instead focus your attention on trying to make the best holiday ever despite her.

[gourmetsue]

no much advice but just want to say sorry to have to deal with this rubbish.

[Rika]

I deal with a similar issue every Christmas ... . over time my husband has begun to realiize where he prefers to spend time is where there is no drama and stress. The hardest thing I ever did was keep as queit as possible in regards to his mother and let him make the decisions... it has taken 7 years but now we are a solid team when it comes to her. ... be patient and it will work in the end your love will see you through it.

[BC Gal]

It sucks having a parent that treats loved ones like that, I feel bad for you husband. She will be part of his life for the rest of her life...it's not like he can exchange her for a more loving mother. You should try to be the better person and show compassion even though she may not deserve it. Maybe your kindness will change things for the better.

[hollyquaiscer]

It's extememly hard to deal with people such as your MIL, but unfortunately she is your dh's mom, and no matter what, she will alswys be his mom. It would be really great if you could set down a few ground rules with her on the phone before she comes. Let her know that her grandchildren would love to see her and you'd love to have her share this special time of year with your family, BUT.....

-advise her that you don't want anyone to start an arguement with anyone, that x,y & z perople are going to be there and if she doesn't want to be around any of those people that perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea to come
- you don't want the blame game started
-tell her what days she is welcome to come, and how long she is welcome to stay

This is your home, your family and you are entitle to have a stress free Christmas, so some ground rules may help things get off on the right foot.

If you try and keep this woman out of your dh and childrens lives, it may come back to bite you years later. You raise your children with manners and they will realize for themselves one day, the type of person she is. My MIL is almost the same as yours, but WORSE! She is a troublemaker and isn't ever happy if family is getting along. She creates lies, manuipulate people and doesn't even know my childrens names!

It's hard to be the bigger person, but lay out the rules, and make sure she knows it's your home, and she is welcome IF she can follow YOUR rules. You put her in her place before she even walks in the door. That way if she does start complaining, you can very politely let her know that this is not the time for her blame game and show her the door.

I wish you the best of luck with her.
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[sharkie]

Right now after reading this thread I am a little shocked I guess....I have been going through a similiar situation for years and never really thought that there were others going through the same as me..I thought dh family issues were odd and did not happen alot....My dh is a great man except that he comes from a very disfunctional family and sadly that is why we are separating right after the holidays...

When my dh was 13 years old his mother met a man and left her 3 sons behind with their father...her new man did not want them....dh's father was an abusive alocoholic who made his children's lives hell...the youngest son was 2 at the time....Over the years their mother was in and out of their lives and has manipulated her 3 sons their whole lives.....my one sil left his brother 2 years ago after 27 years for these issues and after the New Year I and dh will be splitting up because of these issues...

It is easy for people to say ignore and be polite....I have done this for years and beleive me I have never once been rude...but at what point does someone say I have had enough of being a mat for everyone to walk all over?....Just because someone is family does not mean this is acceptable behaviour...I never once asked dh to choose between his family and I....I patiently waited for him to learn on his own that this was a toxic relationship he had with his mother....sadly my dh will live this rest of his life trying to please a woman who left him when he was young and never really cared about him since....I am not angry at dh I only feel sorry for him that he has lost so much because of her...he cries to me all the time about us breaking up but i told him that I needed to do what was right for me and what would make me happy....when people are sourrouned by toxic people, there can be no room for goodness and peace....that I know....

As for your children I can tell you that it is not good.....my dh nephews have had a terrible time during their growing up years and they all lost alot of their childhood because of this evil woman....I hope that it all works out for you...please though just remember that yes it is great to have manners and be polite, but it is never okay to be walked on or hurt on a regular basis because of it....I hope all the best for you and you and your family will be in my thoughts....god bless

[KK7]

Sorry your going through this sharkie but it isn't easy for me to say it is just a life changing thing that I learned in past years I refuse to let another person make me feel something I don't want. I by no means advise her to have tea with her but try to tackle it in the most postive way she can. I have ALOT of negative/toxic people around me I just choose to filter because if I don't I will be emotionlly drained. Which in the long run affects the kids.

[sharkie]

Sorry your going through this sharkie but it isn't easy for me to say it is just a life changing thing that I learned in past years I refuse to let another person make me feel something I don't want. I by no means advise her to have tea with her but try to tackle it in the most postive way she can. I have ALOT of negative/toxic people around me I just choose to filter because if I don't I will be emotionlly drained. Which in the long run affects the kids.

I do understand your point...but there are times where it does affect us in a not so good way...I will not go into the specifics but last February I was over 4 months pregneant and I was so happy since I never had children...my mil came to visit and she did some really horribles things and it did affect me....the next day I suffered a miscarriage..the hurt and loss is still with me and that is why I now think the way I do....my dh forgives her everytime and he did for that....I have a big heart but there are some things I just cannot forgive.....

[hollyquaiscer]

Sharkie, Im so sorry for your loss and that you've had to go through that. And, I'm happy that you have realized that you neither deserve, nor want to deal with that situation anymore. As humans, we don't deserved to be walked on by anyone. Thats why people need to know you have boundries, and what those boundries are. If they can't function within them, the adios amigos!!!