Tween Issues

[findmydream]

My son just turned 12 and has been refusing to attend day camp at the local YMCA. He has been fighting it for several years now, but at this point I can not physically make him go anymore. There are no other options for care during the day for a child of his age. He has stayed home on his own two days last week, losing ALL electronics (except his cell as we don't have a home phone for communication) and has had daily chores to do and he would still rather stay home than go to day camp. There is no other leverage that I have other than imposing extra chores and losing his games. The main issue is that he knew going into the summer that he would have to go. I'm on a child care subsidy with the city and if I don't fulfill my part in having the children go (I also have a 7 year old daughter), then I may lose the subsidy for my daughter in the fall (my son is too old now for before and after/PA day care). He is aware of that and it makes no difference to him (which I don't expect it to because of his age). I don't want him to stay home alone for the rest of the summer, even if it is only two more weeks of camp (their dad is on afternoons this week, so they don't need to go to camp). Anyone have any ideas? I'm at a loss here!

[ninna]

Hmmm. That would be frustrating. I can understand his hesitation; he probably perceives day camp as "for babies" and thinks he has outgrown such things or that "all my friends get to stay home" etc. At our local Y that's how a lot of the older kids seem to behave as well...like they've got a chip on their shoulder and they "don't really wanna be here but they have to be etc." I understand their perspective and I probably would've opted to stay home at the same age and clean the house rather than to attend day camp. For me it was because I was horrifyingly shy and really had no interest in hanging with a group of strangers for a week. Clean the toilets in the house? Yes PLEASE!!!

If it were me, I'd probably sit him down and have the chat about why he doesn't want to go to see what's behind his reluctance. Is the programming not interesting? Is he the oldest kid in the group? Is he bored? Is he getting picked on? And listen to what he says. Like, really listen to him--no questions; no interrupting, no fast-n-easy parenting "solutions" like we parents like to come up with --and see if you can come to some conclusions TOGETHER about how to make the day camp experience more positive for him. In my experience when kids mutually solve a problem with the parents and they feel like their voices were heard, they are more likely to find a successful outcome because they felt consulted and felt like they mattered. You'll notice that I'm not giving him the option to back out of day camp; rather, I'm suggesting you mutually discuss what the issue is and try to resolve how to make day camp better. You could start with, "I can see you don't like going to day camp. What's up with that?"

(I'm a fan of Dr. Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving approach. Google him! It's worth the read).

Failing that there is always bribery (LOL). Instead of punishing by removing privileges (which hasn't worked) you could reward for good behaviour. Example: "if you attend camp these next two weeks you will get <insert highly desired thing here>" That could be a coveted video game, the opportunity to see a movie with a friend or even the right to stay up half an hour later each night at bedtime.

As for his awareness of the fact that you could lose the subsidy and it doesn't make a difference to him-- DO expect more from him. He is 12 and he IS able to rationalize such things in his mind. It's not that he can't rationalize that; he just doesn't want to. Maybe he needs a conversation to understand what losing the subsidy means for him. As in, if the family loses that subsidy it affects the family: if we don't have that child care subsidy for sister, then here's what it means--and you can insert whatever it will mean for your family as well as what its going to mean for him specifically and how it will impact HIS life too. It might mean he is going to have to take a babysitting course and look after her himself (LOL. That might send him running to day camp right quick!!) or it might mean that there won't be as much money available to do the kinds of things he is used to doing and may have to sacrifice the little extras.

I'm not suggesting you pull out the financial spreadsheets and make him privvy to more information than is necessary; obviously you need to continue to be the parent and not the friend, but kids need to understand how their actions impact themselves and others. He is quite capable of understanding that if he does X, there will be consequence Y. Maybe he needs to know what the consequences of losing that subsidy will mean for him too?

[CouponKitten]

you should get him to take the babysitting course that is available at the y. that way, you know that he's been taught the skills to handle himself in an emergency (like how to do cpr, or simple fire safety).
and can also start babysitting kids in the neighborhood for extra money (or even your daughter)