HARD separation anxiety... screaming all night unless held

[GoStumpy]

This is getting absurd.

Baby is 9 months old now, and has never been a good sleeper. He's never slept more than 4-5 hours at a time at night before waking, almost every time crying. It's a rare occurrence that he wakes up without crying.

He is killing Mom, she wakes up to soothe him 5-10+ times per night, EVERY night.

All the signs are pointing to separation anxiety, he screams bloody murder if we walk out of the room and leave him alone, he screams bloody murder in his crib, but as soon as we pick him up he stops.. instantly. He will fall asleep every time we hold him, but the moment we put him into bed without him being DEEP ASLEEP, he just cries and screams for us. I can pat his bum and things seem OK in the crib, the moment I stop (literally 15 minutes of this) he screams like I've never been there.

This is killing us.

My thoughts are we need to wean him off, let him cry for a while, and pop in every 15-20 into his crib and tell him we are here it's OK... that does nothing, but at least he knows we're not abandoning him right?
I read all the articles on google and almost all of them start with "my baby normally sleeps great, but now he doesn't!" ..... well mine never did and still doesn't.
HELP he's killing us.

[terry2144]

Such trying times. I really feel for you. I hesitate to comment as my children are now 22, 23 and 26. I'm quite old school. I'll be watching to see what new age parents will advise! Hang in there! I loved having babies around but this part I don't miss.

[Jina]

I can relate. My son is 9 month old and waking up at 6-8 times at night from 7pm until 5am, then it's almost every 15-30mins until he wakes up completely between 6-7am.
We co-sleep. I comfort him everytime he wakes up crying. Sometimes rubbing his back or a few pats will put him back to sleep, otherwise I just breastfeed while I continue to lie down. I find it's less tiring for me as I'm half asleep and can go back to sleep right after.

We tried different bedrooms but I had to go back and forth so many times and it would take me at least 10mins to go back to sleep. I would wake up more tired in the morning. We tried letting him cry a bit and going in to comfort him every 5-10mins. He would fall asleep but then would wake up again every 1-2hrs. We tried cutting a nap, introducing 1 more nap, later sleep time, earlier sleep time. We tried cutting certain food etc...White noise helped a few times. We used it to make him sleep, put him in his crib, left the noise on for about 10mins, then switched it off.

My 5year old son never slept great either. He used to nap in my arms, would never let me put him down. He still wakes up at night because of nightmares. He talks a lot in his sleep and he can be quite restless sometimes. I guess DS2 is the same. When he wakes up crying, his eyes are still closed but there are tears in his eyes. Maybe his brain is working too much like his brother...I don't know.

I was like that growing up. Restless and lots of nightmares. I would wake up in the middle of the night and go in my parent's bed.

Like you DS2 sleeps great in my arms. Him nap time were bad too. I would only get 30mins, 3 times a day. Rarely it would last 1hr. But for the last 2 weeks now, he's been sleeping 1.5-2hrs in the morning and 30mins-1hr in the afternoon.

I know it's hard on both of you. I'm lucky because my husband wakes up when DS2 wakes up so I can sleep 1 more hour in the morning. I won't say his sleep will get better because it never got better with DS1. I can only say that you need to support each other and find help with other people during the day if you can, so your wife can get some rest. Even though sometimes only your wife can soothe him, just let her know you are there. Maybe take turns in waking up and do half the night. Sleeping for 2-3hrs straight makes a big difference.

Good luck and take care of yourselves.

[sweet sparrow]

When we had ours, a friend gave us a copy of a free pdf found online called the Sleep Sense program. It basically is a cry out method. DH used to hold LO until she fell asleep, until one day, we put her in her bassinet, and left her to take a shower. It was really exhausting to hold her every night, and then the horrible transition from arm to basket that always seemed to wake her. Ten minutes of crying won't hurt anyone but the parents, and the sound of the shower soothed her. She's been falling asleep to the sounds of the shower ever since LO was about six months or so, for 11 hours through the night. LO is over a year and a half and has only woke up once.

Unfortunately, I don't know of any method where no crying is involved. On the sleep sense program, it actually said children cry on average for 45 minutes or something like that. I thought that was really long. I tried it for three days and LO screamed herself hoarse at the end of it. She sang to herself for the first 15 minutes, slowly got upset in the next 15 minutes, cried for the last 15 minutes until she really worked herself up. I gave up on their method but she luckily slept like a dream to the sound of the shower (at least 15 minutes - DH said he could still hear her cry at the 10 minute point, by 15 minutes there was silence). You can try searching for a google link or I may have saved the pdf somewhere if you can't find it.

DH's sister said her LO never slept through the night until she was past the age of five. Children are all so different. I assume you've tried a routine bedtime ritual: bath, dimmed lights, song, goodnight, leave the room for at least 15 minutes, etc.?

[lizzie bargain]

I will start by saying I am old school! Of course it is normal for newborns to wake and need feeding throught the night. I however believe that once they are 6+ months old, a healthy baby physiologically should be able to go at least 8 or more hrs between feedings. Starting from early on they should be put down when fed and sleepy-but not yet asleep and not routinely nursed or bottle fed to sleep. Otherwise they have trouble learning to self soothe and put themselves back to sleep. This has been especially crucial in my work with multiples as it is almost impossible to have 3 infants in your bed all needing to nursed or be comforted every hr x 8 x 3!

For those with babies with sleep problems you may need to follow a set program( which will involve some crying) to get them used to falling asleep on their own. They may need several soothers in their bed or a bottle of water or a special lovey that smells like you. White noise may also work.

I believe that parents are tired at the end of the day and need some peace through the evening and a decent sleep unless of course the baby is sick. I was personally able to be a better parent because my children slept in their own room from 7:30 p.m. and I got enough sleep to be a patient and energetic mother for them the next day-there was little crying as I was blessed with good sleepers. Even if there was occasional crying or limit testing at bedtime I figured it was short tern pain for long term gain. At some point parents have to teach their children they can't have everything they want, the second they want it. I personally think parents have some rights/needs as well!

Now I realize that lots of parents would rather co-sleep and believe in attachment parenting and I say if that works for them-great. When I worked with families as a health visitor I saw lots of different sleeping practices in various cultures. I would only offer suggestions if the parents expressed a concern with their current practice. JMHO Go Stumpy-I hope you can resolve your son's sleep issue and get some rest.

[terry2144]

OK hope I don't get slammed for this. One of 3 of my children had this problem. I took the suggestion given to me, though it was crazy difficult but not for too long. I was at the end of my rope and desperate. We let him cry...we didn't ignore him. He would cry for a few minutes (oh the guilty feelings involved) then we would open his door give him a pat and soothing words and leave...shutting the door. Gradually we just opened the door and said something to let him know we were there. This took about 3 nights and he began sleeping on his own. This was anything but easy but so worth it in the end.

[lizzie bargain]

Terry, It sounds like you took the short term pain for long term gain approach-which in the end meant the whole family got some sleep and I don't think your son would even remember it. Each family has to do what is best for them, and sleep and sanity are crucial-some families take your approach and others adopt the family bed-whatever works for each family.

[terry2144]

Terry, It sounds like you took the short term pain for long term gain approach-which in the end meant the whole family got some sleep and I don't think your son would even remember it. Each family has to do what is best for them, and sleep and sanity are crucial-some families take your approach and others adopt the family bed-whatever works for each family.

I agree everyone needs to do what's best for them. My son is now a well adjusted 26 year old. This was short term pain but for us our patience was wearing thin. I have no regrets but I think I may have cried as much as him when we did this!!

[Shwa Girl]

suggestion from University Health Network hospitals, Toronto
[QUOTE]





First look at our favourite websites on pages 3 to 5, including

AboutKidsHealth.

Dr. Harvey Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block


Website:

www.happiestbaby.com

Watch this clip about helping calm your crying baby:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l21kbipjCBs

Dr. Karp’s book and DVD are also available at your local Toronto Public Library

The 90-Minute Baby Sleep Program: Follow Your Child’s Natural Sleep

Rhythms for Better Nights and Naps


7

[/QUOTE]

http://www.uhn.ca/docs/HealthInfo/Sh...urce_Guide.pdf


good luck

[matty's mom]

I assume that he has seen a doctor? I say that as my little one would not let me go for a year. I thought that it was his silent GERD. I was his comfort. Turns out he also had a case of sleep apnea as well. One made the other worse. As he was in the habit of crying for me when he uncomfortable, he cried for me all the time. AND I WAS TIRED! Now I am happy to report that at the age of 5, and an adenoid and tonsillectomy later, the only time he wakes up is when he has had the occasional nightmare. (The GERD worked itself out).

[Nina1]

WOW! Such a hot topic. I can tell by the length of the comments how passionate the subject is. I don't presume to have an answer but you have my sympathy. If you have family or friends who can give you a break once in a while to take a night shift it would be a little break. I hope you find an answer soon. All my best to you!

[Zonny]

Mine was like this too in the early months. Although we swore we'd never have him in our bed, DH finally suggested this so we could get some sleep. He was in our bed a lot the first year. But despite the warnings from other parents that he'd be in there permanently, he did eventually sleep in his own bed and not with us every night.

We did try cry it out one time, and that was all we could manage. Failed miserably, the poor guy was so worked up by the time we threw in the towel that he needed a change of pjs since he'd worked himself into a sweat. Took forever to get him to settle that night, and we never did it again.

[anisa]

My daughter and son were complete opposites.

After a few nights of crying, she settled into sleeping in her crib, and overall she was a very routine child. Lots of cuddles and snuggles, but she didn't have that overwhelming need to be in contact with someone all the time.

My son slept with me for a couple of yrs. Transitioned him to a low double bed where I would lie with him til he fell asleep, and I would sneak away!
He is a clingy boy, but not in a bad way, he just needs someone with him. He is very independent, outgoing, well behaved etc, but he wants that touch of another person. Goes after his dad in that way.

Allowing the baby to sleep with you will not 'ruin' the child, some babies just need that extra comfort and I think it probably helps in ways we can't even count.

Just go with whatever you feel works for your family, don't worry about whether or not you are doing things the 'right' way, because you will find that the more you talk with other parents the more you will find that other families are also doing things very instinctually and not 'necessarily by the book'

Good luck!