A Depressed Friend, Any Help?

[emdoug]

Hey everyone, I have a situation and I don't know what to do.

Brad
Brad is depressed, smokes marijuana every hour he isn't at work, smokes cigarettes from a bong every time he smokes marijuana and cares very little about his health and well-being. He always has to do everything more than everyone else, be the drunkest at the party, buy the most, just everything he does needs to be more than everyone else.

Brad lives with my boyfriend and their friend Tom and has for 2 years now, they have been friends for at least 10 years and I've been friends with all of them for at least 5 years.

He owes my boyfriend over $1500 from covering his rent and other expenses, he also owes Tom money.
He has never paid my boyfriend back for any of the money he has covered, this has accumulated over the time they have lived together. He knows he owes him this much, but has never paid him back and continues to spend his money on drugs weekly. It is also hard to confront Brad about anything negative because if we bring up that he owes that much money he gets depressed because he can't pay it back and he thinks we're mad at him, and it only makes it worse. This applies to everything including talking to him about his excessive drug use, excessive drinking etc.

He is also depressed and has anxiety, I spoke with him about it because we are close friends and I convinced him to go see a doctor, he was prescribed antidepressants. Since he started taking them I noticed an improvement but lately he just seems more sad. He has said that he isn't suicidal, but he often says things that make me wonder (ie. I don't care if I die).

A few months ago my boyfriend switched shifts at work, so he and Tom work the same schedule. My boyfriend asks me to come over to the house while he and Tom are working nights to keep Brad company and I have no problem with that because we're good friends. They are worried he might 'do something'.

Recent events have made his depression worse, he was supposed to be a girl's date for a wedding and she cancelled on him and he isn't able to join us on a vacation.

Current Situation

We have been planning a vacation for a week in July that everyone has off of work, and we have all been aware of it for at least a year. We booked it on the weekend and Brad couldn't come with us because he didn't have the money. As friends we felt awful that he couldn't come with us but at the same time we couldn't afford to pay for his ticket either especially knowing we would never get the money back. We all knew a year ago we would be taking this trip and we budgeted accordingly instead of spending our extra money on drugs and cigarettes.

What can we do as friends? We don't want for him to become even more depressed because he will be home alone while we are on vacation for a week, we can't suggest he should have made better choices, or 'give it to him straight' but we can't afford to pay for his ticket to come with us either..

At this point any kind of advice, or experiences you've had would be helpful.

Thanks!

TL;DR - friend is very depressed and we're going away for a week without him because instead of saving he spent his extra money on drugs and cigarettes, what to do?

[frugallegemom]

A few things:

People who lend money are good friends and deserve to be paid back. On the other hand, a hard lesson about lending money is to never lend money you actually expect to get back because there is always that one person that won't make good on their debts... I also hope your boyfriend stops lending money to Brad.

I know he's your friend, but he's also an adult. Depression or not, he needs to take responsibility for himself and you need to take responsibility for yourselves. You can't babysit Brad or make your lives revolve around Brad. This kind of stuff doesn't work long-term. If you keep being so supportive of Brad, I doubt he'll stop mooching and making impulsive decisions. So if it doesn't feel good to do it now, just imagine if you and your boyfriend get married and have a family and you're still taking care of Brad?! So go, and enjoy the vacation you've worked and saved for and put Brad on the backburner that week. He had a year to plan but chose not to. Now he is getting the vacation, or lack thereof of his own choosing.

I don't think you have to be harsh. The natural consequences of his choices or lackthereof are harsh enough. If it comes up, just tell him you wish he could come too/that's too bad. But next time you plan a vacation, if he saves for it, he can come. However, don't expect that to be a "Come to Jesus" moment for Brad. Brad may be depressed but he also sounds impulsive given what you said about him doing things in excess when it came to drinking and spending money. He might understand in theory - but certainly not in practice, how to delay gratification via saving for a vacation or saving for a purchase he wants to make instead of having to take out a loan because he blew his cheque for things he wanted in a moment/vs things he'll want and need long-term. He wants that high or that thrill right now! He doesn't seem to understand waiting. That's a very hard habit to break.

I understand depression, but I also understand manipulation. He may very well be depressed but as far as I know - accumulating debts to friends and then moping about your inability to pay so that they feel bad and get off your back and relieve you of responsibility is not a symptom of depression. I have a suspicion that he's doing what works for him. So he might have depression but he also has a good handle on playing the guilt card so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself. One can be depressed, one can also be manipulative but those things aren't necessarily related to each other.

Suicide is a toughy and I know it's easier said than done but making sure that Brad doesn't "do something" is not your responsibility. You need to release yourself of the responsibility of keeping Brad alive. That's way to big of a burden to bear and something totally out of your control. You guys can be the best friends ever and if he really wanted to, he could "do something" in an instant your back is turned, and if he did - you'd be blaming yourselves for something that is 110% out of your control. That is way too much responsibility to even pretend to be in control of. And I say "pretend" because all of your efforts are easing your anxiety because like I said, if he wants to - he'll do it, no matter how vigilant you are about trying to keep him company or occupied or happy. So I'd urge you to release yourself from that job and realize that where the rubber meets the road, keeping Brad alive is Brad's job. As a friend, I would offer a listening ear and direct them to resources like mental health services, doctors and possibly rehab support but remember that you can lead a horse to water - you can't make them drink. So it's also important to let go of the worry about making them drink. People need help and it's good to offer it but for most things, they also have to help themselves.

Finally, what I said about manipulation - it is difficult to tell the difference but be wary about Brad using suicidal threats as blackmail currency. Some people will threaten suicide they don't even intend to commit in order for you to do or not do something that they want. Regardless, take any threat of suicide seriously by passing that knowledge onto the proper authorities/hospital/mental health clinic etc. those are the people who do actually have the job of keeping all kinds of "Brads" alive and hopefully, helping them get healthy. Your job is just to be a friend.

Just my two cents.

[Judstir]

It seems to me hat you are all "enabling" your friend. He knows he doesn't have to step up as he has already seen that you will all be there and take care of his debts. eg. rent etc. His drug use is an addiction and as friends maybe you could all do an intervention and get him into rehab. This also is just my personal opinion. Sometimes we can be too kind and caring to the point where we are taken advantage of. I truly hope you will have Good Luck with helping him.

[emdoug]

Thanks for your input!

[frugal50]

i would cut him loose, and stop enabling him!!

[maiyuu]

First of all, you are a great friend for wanting to help. I'm curious if your friend has regular appointments to speak with a psychiatrist, therapist, or anyone who specializes in this area. depression is best treated with both antidepressants and therapy to help the individual learn to cope. It sounds like your friend uses drugs and relies heavily on others for support.

As for your trip, you shouldn't have to feel a burden of worrying that because Brad can't come along, that you shouldn't have fun.

About brad living with your boyfriend, it must be tough to cover rent for someone else... I hope you and your boyfriend are able to get to a place where you don't have to worry about your friend.

[Lynn49]

Depression is a horrible dis-ease, so I do sympathize with your friend. He needs counseling and help. If he just decides to not help himself in ANY way, even though it's there if and when he needs it, then it's his own problem, his own life, his own affair. If he doesn't go on this trip with you, perhaps he'll learn that money buys things other than drugs. Support his positive steps for self-improvement, but don't support him financially. You've heard the expression: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it."? It's time he started drinking of that water.

[Anna P]

You're a good friend, emdoug. . You've received some excellent advice from the other members. I hope Brad finds the strength to come through his depression and fight his addictions. I also hope that you, your boyfriend, and other friends can find your strength to use a tough love approach and not have to ride the emotional roller-coaster where Brad is concerned. Enjoy your vacation! You deserve that!