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Thread: When Times Get Tough...What Do You Do?

  1. #121
    LoveToSave wimbly11's Avatar
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    Except he totally isn't. He's laughing this off. I know stressing to the degree that I do is not good either, but some concern on his part would be helpful. He told his parents last night and he was laughing about it all on the phone. I wanted to scream.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bargain Seeker View Post
    Maybe this is just what he needed to wake up and start paying attention to his finances. In the meantime try not to stress too much.
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  2. #122
    Dancing bean paste bun Ciel's Avatar
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    The den as room idea does address the eldest child's space needs. I suggest you have headphones for your computer so you do not feel compelled to have to chat up DH when you are working or he is online. Also the headphones gives you the option to listen to white noise (https://www.noisli.com/ )or music so you are "alone." Speaking of computers, you both have passwords on them? Don't know what rules you have on Internet use with the eldest child is with you but best to consider guest or limited access for her if she's allowed online time.

    Don't know if DH is saving face with his folks by acting as if it's a joke, but he is definitely not helping your concerns by addressing them. Ignoring you is not helping.

    So going rogue here (escape plan if I could walk out if he does that thing one more time or fobs off my concerns again)-

    Find a pillow punching session (you in a room alone with some healthy snack or comfort beverage) and develop your "the straw that breaks this marriage" list that means you will leave DH for your peace of mind and the baby's health. When you have had some time (2-3days to cool down and look at list again), ask yourself are you better off with him or without him. Is there a place you can go to if having that physical distance helps you have peace and tranquility to go through your remaining months of pregnancy-shelter, close friend or family?

    Then deal him the "whenever I mention my concerns about finances, you have (laughed, waved me off, said don't worry) in response--that scares me" speech. "However, given the financial reality of June coming up and my high-risk pregnancy, I feel all alone in this marriage. I do not feel that you see us as a team and working with me on solutions or priorities we need to aim for this month and up to the baby's arrival. I am so stressed that I am ready to walk out on this family and this marriage. I've juggled so much and I am picking peace of mind over the entire responsibility of making our money stretch where it cannot go anymore." "So I'm putting myself ahead of the lawyer, the custody and money issues and taking a stand-I'm first and I'm going."



    If you have godparents for your older child or good neighbours, is it possible to have them involved with her on weekends, so you get a break from looking after her?
    Just throwing out ideas because you do need relief asap.
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  3. #123
    Canadian Guru jasperandchar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wimbly11 View Post
    DH is so positive. Things will work out. Have faith. He's not worried at all. Talks about doing freelance from now on. Which is terrifying. That's how he used to live and most of the time he was pretty poor. But when I tried to talk to him about the risks of freelance he got mad.

    He really doesn't help much with the budget and has no interest in it. Like I said, before I came along, he didn't have 2 cents to his name. Never saved a dime, never had money. He doesn't pay attention to money or bills. And it doesn't phase him at all. When I say, we won't be able to pay our bills with you on EI, he says it will work out. He doesn't understand that bills and money work out because I make them work out. I am feeling so defeated. I cannot see the positive side right now as well. Between his ex taking money and now this, I'm seeing my dreams slipping away.

    Sorry for the pity party, it's been a rough go and I just plain feel defeated.
    Like it or not he needs to be involved whether it's to sound out numbers and relay the defecit or the bonus $ (savings, debt repayment etc). It's not pleasant, my husband tries to avoid our monthly budget meetings as long as possible but it needs to be done.

    The good or bad need to be discussed otherwise resentment creeps in and that's not something you want in your marriage. Finances are a large part of life and changing spending habits, open discussion etc need both parties involved.

    Sadly it sounds like you are on your own financially, it's never too late to state that you want separate bank accounts and 1 joint for mortgage, cable, hydro. Because if you ever got separated/divorced you are responsible for 1/2 the debt.

    Perhaps think the above over and he if he asks why, you can state that you are not willing to take on all the stress & responsibility since he will not concerned and/or willing.


    Good luck to you
    Last edited by jasperandchar; Mon, Mar 20th, 2017 at 04:21 PM.
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  4. #124
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    I hate to be debbie downer but a lot of the financial issues seemed to exist pre-marriage and probably won't change. You either need to be the one in control or completely separate your finances from each other....truly thats the only way your mind will be at peace. Basically saying, you each pay 50% of your household bills, but he is solely responsible for all his child support obligations, not you or your money. When he's left with $5 to his name to get himself groceries and gas...maybe his eyes will open. If he isn't going to act like its a team effort, then why should any of your pay cheque be paying for the choices of his past? Sorry I know I can be blunt, but I have actually had this discussion with my own hubby haha Men in these situations usually tend to laugh it off because they get strong armed into something so ludicrous all they can do is laugh. If the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be questioning him left right and centre on why he only makes $4000 a year. They are no longer a parent, but a revolving wallet to pay for the choices and whims of their ex, and its completely daunting. They'd rather just laugh things off and hope they work out, then forcefully dealing with them head on.
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    I think most of us go into parenting with somewhat rose coloured glasses on. Few of us stop to think that we may have the full or major financial responsibility for the child in the future if death, disability or divorce should occur. I feel it is prudent for every expectant or current parent to keep this possibility in the back of their mind and plan/save/spend accordingly. I am not meaning to sound like a Debbie Downer either, but I am sure we are all aware of situations where one parent has had to assume the major financial responsibility for the children due to various circumstances. Wimbly-I do hope that you are able to trim your budget to manage on EI or that your DH does find other work. I do hope you do not have to return to work before your mat leave expires due to financial pressures. You know we are all hoping for the best possible outcome for your family!
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  6. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by lizzie bargain View Post
    I think most of us go into parenting with somewhat rose coloured glasses on. Few of us stop to think that we may have the full or major financial responsibility for the child in the future if death, disability or divorce should occur. I feel it is prudent for every expectant or current parent to keep this possibility in the back of their mind and plan/save/spend accordingly. I am not meaning to sound like a Debbie Downer either, but I am sure we are all aware of situations where one parent has had to assume the major financial responsibility for the children due to various circumstances. Wimbly-I do hope that you are able to trim your budget to manage on EI or that your DH does find other work. I do hope you do not have to return to work before your mat leave expires due to financial pressures. You know we are all hoping for the best possible outcome for your family!
    assuming financial responsibility of your child, and providing your ex a new wardrobe every year are two completely different things though haha I get where wimbly is coming from...the fact that someone who only makes $4000 a year can have custody of a child and not have any financial obligation is kind of a slap in the face to the other parent, where their custody has been stripped but they pay 95% of the bills. Expecting your ex to assume the same responsibility of your child shouldn't be looked at as "rose coloured glasses" - it should be called PARENTING
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  7. #127
    Dancing bean paste bun Ciel's Avatar
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    I really would like to state that OP, @wimbly11, should not have to consider skipping mat leave entirely unless she finds that the numbers (if she only took time off to have the baby (birth and maybe 4 days for recovery) as personal/holiday time off) give her that $$$ position to cover existing bills plus possible newborn childcare if her DH will not take on childcare during his EI period. She will need to run her numbers through well before she has to give work the 8 weeks' notice prior to maternity leave. Or plan on a short maternity leave (3-months?) if that is a possibility (but then, she'd have to give work 8 weeks notice prior to her return, so one month into her maternity leave).
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  8. #128
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    You all make some very valid points. We do have separate bank accounts still, we never joined them.

    We have no issues paying for what is necessary for DH's child, but when we are being abused and taken advantage of while the ex does nothing and has money handed to her, well that's when I get my back up. When it starts to put our family into financial hardship and I have to watch every penny we spend, I get mad.

    My stress is high right now and I am really trying to stay calm. I feel like I don't really know where to start. I have spent the last year doing a medical transcription course online because my dream was to stay home with our children. I would make less than I make now, but what we would save on child care, etc, it looked like to could be a feasible opportunity. However, now with the change in bills and the potential change in our financial situation I don't know if this will happen. I was hoping to work a little in the field while on mat leave to gain experience and see what it was like. Then, if I knew it was feasible I would not return after mat leave to my previous position and pursue this. However, now I don't see me being able to do this so I feel like I've wasted time and money.

    DH has talked about freelancing which is terrifying for me. No steady income. No guaranteed work. However, I know he would be happy. I'm trying to pursue my dream of being a stay at home mom. Is it wrong for me to tell him he can't go after his dreams?

    He also wondered if EI helped people who wanted to retrain. He talked about going back and getting trained to teach. I'm not sure if EI does anything like that.

    I'm so confused right now and my mind is going in a million different directions as to what I should be doing..
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    It may be possible for your husband to get some retraining and be funded-perhaps he could talk to your local manpower office( or whatever they call it now). I can't really answer your question about whether it is fair to tell your DH he can't go after his dreams. It does seem though that one or both of you will need to rethink your work plans. Perhaps time for a heart to heart talk together with a counsellor if needed. It does seem though that you don't have to make your decision about return to work until next year(?) and by then things should be clearer. Not sure if you have benefits or a pension in your job but one thing to consider if you stay home and he freelances-can you afford the extra cost of benefits for your family? I do know that since I retired early we pay every month for pretty basic drug coverage, dental, travel medical insurance etc. Although I don't miss work I sure miss the benefits!!
    Last edited by lizzie bargain; Tue, Mar 21st, 2017 at 08:40 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by lizzie bargain View Post
    It may be possible for your husband to get some retraining and be funded-perhaps he could talk to your local manpower office( or whatever they call it now). I can't really answer your question about whether it is fair to tell your DH he can't go after his dreams. It does seem though that one or both of you will need to rethink your work plans. Perhaps time for a heart to heart talk together with a counsellor if needed. It does seem though that you don't have to make your decision about return to work until next year(?) and by then things should be clearer. Not sure if you have benefits or a pension in your job but one thing to consider if you stay home and he freelances-can you afford the extra cost of benefits for your family? I do know that since I retired early we pay every month for pretty basic drug coverage, dental, travel medical insurance etc. Although I don't miss work I sure miss the benefits!!
    Good advice. All the above is what keeps me and 8 weeks of vacation/personal days etc. It's so nice taking time off and still be paid!
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  11. #131
    Canadian Guru jasperandchar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wimbly11 View Post
    You all make some very valid points. We do have separate bank accounts still, we never joined them.

    We have no issues paying for what is necessary for DH's child, but when we are being abused and taken advantage of while the ex does nothing and has money handed to her, well that's when I get my back up. When it starts to put our family into financial hardship and I have to watch every penny we spend, I get mad.

    My stress is high right now and I am really trying to stay calm. I feel like I don't really know where to start. I have spent the last year doing a medical transcription course online because my dream was to stay home with our children. I would make less than I make now, but what we would save on child care, etc, it looked like to could be a feasible opportunity. However, now with the change in bills and the potential change in our financial situation I don't know if this will happen. I was hoping to work a little in the field while on mat leave to gain experience and see what it was like. Then, if I knew it was feasible I would not return after mat leave to my previous position and pursue this. However, now I don't see me being able to do this so I feel like I've wasted time and money.

    DH has talked about freelancing which is terrifying for me. No steady income. No guaranteed work. However, I know he would be happy. I'm trying to pursue my dream of being a stay at home mom. Is it wrong for me to tell him he can't go after his dreams?

    He also wondered if EI helped people who wanted to retrain. He talked about going back and getting trained to teach. I'm not sure if EI does anything like that.

    I'm so confused right now and my mind is going in a million different directions as to what I should be doing..
    @wimbly11 you need to make a few list of pros vs. cons

    Staying home (pros & cons)

    EI will not retrain to become a teacher, what they are offer is very limited to choice and specifically to age groups and such, I would get him to investigate this now and/or you to be pro-active

    There is nothing wrong about having dreams whether or not they are financially feasible is the deciding factor.

    $ spent on furtherring your education is never wasted, you could always do a few jobs while on mat leave to feel out the demand and your possibility of doing this from your home. However, I don't know about clinics, specialists, etc or medical facilities sending this information out to be transcribed as it's protected/personal information and they could be sued if it was released. So you wouldn't be able to email these documents to them, you might have to drop off personally as even using a courier can be a risk (not meaning to be a Debbie Downer). I would suggest contacting a potential doctor's office/client and speak to someone there and see if they outsource or if it needs to be done in house.

    I'm glad your finances are separate as that's 1 less thing to worry about.

    Best of luck to you and your family along this journey
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  12. #132
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    Everybody has a right to chase their dream however they can do so after the bills are paid and the household is not in jeopardy. In life there are responsibilities that you have, especially if you have children. Incan see how hard this is getting for you to handle.

    It is a good thing that at least one of you is financially responsible. If your husband is a teacher could he not apply at other schools even as a substitute teacher?

    Does you husband check thid site by any chance?
    Last edited by Bargain Seeker; Tue, Mar 21st, 2017 at 12:42 PM.
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    Hi taught at a college, teaching and running the film program. No other programs around like that. The film industry is pretty unsteady work That's why this job was good, at least he was in his field and it was fulltime...*sigh*

    Quote Originally Posted by Bargain Seeker View Post
    Everybody has a right to chase their dream however they can do so after the bills are paid and the household is not in jeopardy. I can see how hard this is getting for you to handle.

    It is a good thing that at least one of you is financially responsible. If your husband is a teacher could he not apply at other schools even as a substitute teacher?

    Does you husband check thid site by any chance?
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  14. #134
    Dancing bean paste bun Ciel's Avatar
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    http://www2.gnb.ca/content/gnb/en/se...erer.5095.html

    Not sure if you have the same criteria in NB as in Ontario but some employment centres will charge fees for employment counselling if one has 20h or more of work per week for certain testing or services beyond the basic employment centre self-directed work search. Especially aptitude testing and followup. So there is a benefit to applying for EI in that when DH presents to the employment centre and has his SIN run through the system, he will eligible to access many employment programs. But community employment centres can help with resumes and basic job search goals. The more extensive stuff will cost $$.

    Ontario has the Second Career program (where people make a case for retraining in another field and the onus is on them to prove it with information and research and interviews). Best way to describe it as like that final year English high school independent study project-you pick a field of interest, you have to interview three people in that field and research the labour market and post-secondary programs, you have to meet with your program staffer/case manager at the employment centre and meet deadlines etc. If you are accepted, you can then apply to post-secondary program and for tuition money and other money. But everything has to be documented and the process takes time. It's not like turn in the research one day and then apply next day to post -secondary programs. Some programs also have limited intake periods and may have only fall intake but other programs could have fall, winter, spring intakes.
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    I try to be as frugal as possible and sell things or pick up odd jobs. I know mystery shopping takes a while to get paid but if you can spare $5.00 today the payoff for something so little would be $25.00 ($5.00 for the item and a $20.00 Shopper fee). Message me if interested.
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