Parenting '101'

[mdutka]

Wow, hard to give an answer as I am not sure what the kid was being like through the store, or before hand for that matter....

I usually try to buy my girls a treat when we are at the store, but if they ever tantrumed for something, they would definitely not be getting it, as this is no way to ask or behave if you want something...

Plus if you give in because of the tantrum, you have just opened yourself a whole can of worms for future shopping trips..

totally agree.
my son is 22 months and has a real bad case of the "terrible twos" but he never wins with bad behaviour! if he freaks out in the store and i cant "talk" him out of it then i leave the cart full of food (or whatever) and we go straight home and he goes straight to bed (ya it sucks to have an empty fridge and i dont have time to grocery shop twice but training my toddler is priority). i think that if you wait until your kid is old enough to understand fully discipline its too late. you have to start early and be consistent, it doesnt always work but you do it anyways. everyone comments on how calm and well behaved my son is but me and his babysitter know better, he is a hellraiser but my attitude is that no toddler is going to boss me around! im the adult-i call the shots!

btw, im 7 months pregnant with boy #2 so i will let you know next year if ive changed my tune!

but i hear you about bad days swouper! sometimes i think my son wakes up and says "today i am going to push mommy over the edge!"

[frugiedh]

kids crying in the store for anything is totally unacceptable. It should never get to the point where your child screams and cries for something, anything, no matter if it is at home or in public.

Parents need to teach the child proper behaviour from when they're little, then these tantrums will never happen. sure, all kids push boundaries sometimes, and may request something more than once, but the whole tantrum thing is so unavoidable.

if the kid is screaming about a snack, obviously the parent is not in control, the kid is. and that kid knows how to manipulate the parent.

I don't think it's tough love when the parent denies a screaming kid whatever it is they are screaming about. sounds more like a parent who didn't teach their kid manners, and now they're trying to ignore the behaviour after the kid has already formed a habit of pushing the parent around.

ummm....just wondering, do you have kids?

[anisa]

I do. she is a stubborn child, very determined.
she is well behaved, knows that I take no nonsense, and would never, ever think of crying or screaming to get something. never had the terrible twos with her.
she is also polite and thoughtful.

unfortunatly i wasn't able to get pregnant until this year, and so I won't have my second child until october of this year. so yes she is an only child. but it doesn't mean that it hasn't taken a lot of attention and training with her.

mind you she isn't a little robot that has had obedience scared into her. just lots of attentive parenting.

In my view, tantrums are bad behaviour. cheeky replies are plain rudeness and a real lack of respect. as parents we are responsible for raising good members of society. when we don't teach them how to behave and interact with respect, kindness and generosity we're not doing our job.

of course, that's just my opinion.

[froggiestyle]

um my kid has attentive parenting and she does not listen to me. She will throw a fit in a store no matter what I do or say. I cannot control her and it is not my fault through any lack of parenting ability.
I do instill manners and respect in all my children, my middle one dances to her own beat. Walk a mile in my shoes. I was once a mom that thought all children who acted up in public were lacking parental guidance as well- well guess what, I got one that has her own mind and is a challenge to parent every day and now I look at those parents with empathy not disgust.

[anisa]

i don't look at parents with disgust. I think that some parents just haven't had good examples in parenting or support sometimes
it's something that has probably been building for 2-3 generations of parents being led to believe that they're not in control and do not have the right to expect their kids to act a certain way.
it's hard work, it isn't easy by any means. it is draining when you are parenting, especially when it's usually mom on her own trying to keep order, cause dads are sometimes pretty clueless. a lot of times we don't have family around to help out either. it's tough. with me, i'm the disciplinarian, and neither me nor my husband has any family anywhere near us. our families are both 3000+ kms away from here.
I have seen many examples of families where they make it work, and their kids don't misbehave, and it's not because the kids are scared of their parents, it's quite the opposite.
I guess i myself have grown up with the atmosphere where kids just do not disrespect their parents. none of my 20 or so cousins ever did, our family just wasn't like that. my parents friends had very similar family atmospheres as well. so I have seen these examples by the dozen, and know that certain things can work, and that's why i believe so strongly in it. now my cousins kids (and there are a heck of a lot of them) are all being raised the same way, all over north america, and none of them are tantrum kids.
it can happen, i just believe there are ways of ensuring it happens.

[alajen]

As for me - I'll continue to try, and somedays will be better than today. But if you see someone really struglling, and maybe even seeming unreasonable out in public in the next few weeks, go easy, it might be me, and our family is going through a rough patch right now. A smile at the grocery store would be much more helpful than a judgemental comment.

I agree with that statement wholeheartedly. I found that I have become more tolerant of other parents, since I became a Mom two years ago. I think my daughter is pretty well-behaved, but she (and I) can sometimes have bad days despite the best of efforts.

I was on a 2-hour evening flight and saw a tired-looking father with his school-age son and baby. Right when we took off, the baby started to fuss because of the cabin pressure. Thankfully, the older boy was ok, but the poor baby was tired, and would not stop crying and screaming for a most of the flight. You could see that the father was having a heck of a time keeping his baby calm and distracted. I didn't want to get involved, didn't want to accidentally offend the father by helping out. The flight attendants tried to help, but had to work with the other passengers.

After seeing all the glares being sent in the man's direction, I got out of my seat and went over to ask if he would mind some help. He was SO relieved and accepted immediately. I spent the next half hour crouched in the aisle, sang little songs to the baby, got some plastic cups and had the baby play with those - generally kept baby amused until landing. This man was clearly at the end of his rope and appreciated the help.

If all parents could help each other this way, maybe we could collectively raise a generation of better-behaved, caring children (and less-stressed out parents!)

[froggiestyle]

This so belongs in debate...lol
Kudos to you for being a great parent- I am not disrespecting that or you in any way. Please understand that
BUT do not percieve that children who do not behave absolutely perfectly have not been raised the way you see parenting. A child can be disciplined 100 times for something and still do it repeatedly. I kind of take it personally when you say a child who misbehaves must have parents that havent had good examples of parenting themselves or support, I am quiet certain alot of members here would feel the same way. I personally have had excellent parents, excellent support, excellent family support from a very close family. I am an excellent parent, friend, person who values family to every extent including raising my children in a loving caring environment, discipline is a word in our home.
Until you have a child with behavioural issues you really have no idea. When you do then we'll talk about what being a "drain parent" really is.

[Sally888]

kids crying in the store for anything is totally unacceptable. It should never get to the point where your child screams and cries for something, anything, no matter if it is at home or in public.

Parents need to teach the child proper behaviour from when they're little, then these tantrums will never happen. sure, all kids push boundaries sometimes, and may request something more than once, but the whole tantrum thing is so unavoidable.

if the kid is screaming about a snack, obviously the parent is not in control, the kid is. and that kid knows how to manipulate the parent.

I don't think it's tough love when the parent denies a screaming kid whatever it is they are screaming about. sounds more like a parent who didn't teach their kid manners, and now they're trying to ignore the behaviour after the kid has already formed a habit of pushing the parent around.

Sure this sounds all fine and peachy until that child is yours and your a great parent.

My 9 year old and 2 year old are night and day.

My 2 year olds screams and throws fits in stores, my 9 year old never has or does.

Did I raise them different? NOPE

Totally different personalities. So its hard for a one child parent to sit there and tell me that its about parenting because it simply isn't theres so many other issues here to look at.

My first child never had the ''terrbile twos'' my second has been going through them since he was 1.5 years old, and I find it unselttling just to say its not good or attentive parenting.

Also tantrums aren't just ''bad behaviours'', there also a way of communicating for little tots, they havent developed there coping mechanisms or how to deal with a wide array of emotions yet including fustration and dissapointment.

While my little guy doesn't throw himself on the floor as often, he's evolved into throwing things and knocking them over, to stomping his feet when hes mad.
Hes slowly learning how to cope better, how can I punish a small child for developing? I tell him we don't throw fits and he gets a time out.

I kind of hope for the ones that think it's simply about parenting that they end up having more children and get one that isn't a perfect little angel, because I didn't even know kids could be this hard to care for until I had my sweet Zachery.


Aside for that a few weeks ago I was in the grocery, Hubby and I split up he took Zach in his stroller (yes hes so unbehaved he has to be contained in a stroller, not even the grocery cart will contain him) anyways he was yelling, hes a very loud boy. I think he saw something he liked.
The guy next me me goes 'God I wouldn't want to be that parent''
I smiled and said ''Well I'm the parent and hes just trying to say he likes something but thats for the compiment'' and rolled my eyes and walked away.

You know Anisa, I use to be in your shoes and would think to myself that would NEVER be that parent, how can they let there kid scream etc. Then when I had Zach its a whole other world.
I use to call a toddler when we lived in an apartment ''tea kettle'' because he would shriek so loud it sounded like a boiling kettle'' Now I live with that every day off my life. So every day I eat my words and I feel I jinxed myself on that one almost hahaah! I never talked down to parents that had kids that were misbehaving in stores etc, I just thought it to myself. But sometimes its completely unavoidable, whether your a good parent or not.

Just kind of like I was the good kid my sister was the hellion, life happens.

[eri]

All I have to say, is before your a parent, you have all of the answers for parenting, and once you become a parent, you no longer have them answers...LOL

so true...

[jenna321]

Walk a mile in someone else's shoes for the day then reflect upon that day.

[froggiestyle]

AMEN!!!!

and SHABAMMMMMMMM that was my 400th post! YAYYYY

[ex0ticb3lla]

My son has really bad eczema on his face (to the point where it looks like someone burned patches above his lip, and on the side of his cheeks), we've had 5 different creams (one of which cost us $115 - because it's not considered a prescription, but apparently it works well, so says the derm) and now an oral antibiotic (and yet another cream)....we were in No Frills the other night and he was sitting in the cart, and some lady points to him and asks her husband what's wrong with his face. As if we're deaf and can't hear them (or see them pointing). My husband spun around and asked if they wanted to ask us ourselves...and that our kid is only 9 months old and to learn some manners?

People always ask us what he did to himself?? Or why does such a cute kid look like that?? Or the best "what's on his face???" I have to explain to them what it is, that he's being treated, and he honestly is the best kid (so happy, always smiling, the eczema doesn't bug him)

This may seem off topic, but I've noticed a lot of parent's that have no compassion. It's bad enough dealing with it, but to have people constantly day in and day out ask what's wrong with him, or look at him like they wouldn't wanna deal with it. *sigh* Or look at me like I've done it to him.

And that's my rant for the day

[robbiebaby69]

I have been biting my tongue on this one.
Sally, I agree with everything you wrote.
However, I am very disapointed in Anisa's above criticism about kids crying in the store. Totally unacceptable according to who? These comments are very preachy and outright condescending and offensive to me, and it saddens me that you feel this way.
However, in discussing reality, children will carry on, scream, yell, tantrum and will be major pains at times, but that's all NORMAL. And it's the wise parent that realizes this and knows that these are the moments they will use to teach their 'ill-behaved' children what is socially acceptable, or the converse, that socially unacceptable behaviour will not get you anywhere. The parent's skin gets thicker so as to repel the dirty looks from passersby, but the parent will hopefully stand strong because they know that all that matters is their child; in that moment, and the rest of the world can just keep going about its business and never mind the 'man behind the curtain' ( OZ reference to those old enough to appreciate it) ....

Anyone butting in between a parent and child ( unless there is an obvious abuse taking place) whether physically, emotionally, or 'intellectually', should mind their own business.
Please show some compassion for a parent doing their best under the circumstances.
thank you.

[crissynfld]

he is a child!! children dont understnad what is socially acceptable.. so not buying the popcorn and not giving is showing the child you dont get rewarded for inproper behaviour.. the child is not a brat or spoiled hes just that a child!!!!!!!! I hate it when i go out and people stare at my two year for taking a tantrum, its perfectly normal.

[swouper2]

Well, as anyone following this thread knows, my kids aren't perfect. This morning, I'm trying to get out the door to bring the kids to daycare, so I can get to work reasonably on time, and as we're walking out, the dog steps on dd's toe, trying to give her a kiss g'bye. Plus, ds woke up at 5 this morning, is exhausted, and wants to bring his soother to school (no way, he has one at home, and one at school, and he won't use any others, and I refuse to even risk losing one of those, besides, he knows darned well that it's only allowed in his bed) So I put the soother away and walk out the door with 2 screaming kids following me.

Thank God my neighbours know us well enough to just laugh when they see us like that.

I don't think that dd crying in public when her toe just got stepped on was bad manners, however, she was crying, and would not have been able to calm down to tell some stranger what was going on. What she wanted was to just get in the carseat, and listen to some soothing music.

My kids aren't always nightmares, they are actually really great kids. (you know, normal, like all the other really great kids you see out there)

But unless we're in a place where kids really shouldn't even be, like a fancy restaurant, or on an airplane, where nobody can escape... I am not going to bend over backwards to quiet them to please others. I will not spoil them to keep them quiet. You have the choice of walking away, and not listening. I don't have that choice, and I also hate listening to screaming kids, so give me a break, please.