The "I Need Candy, and so Do you" Ra Ra RIOT Thread ♥☼ (v2.0)

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Not-A-Brainer Might Have Been More Apt

Airline | Auckland, New Zealand
Me: “We do have seats available on that flight, but if you were willing to leave an hour later the fare would be $200 less. Would that work for you?”
Elderly Customer: “That’s not a brainer!”
Me: *laughing*
Elderly Customer: “That’s what the kids say, ‘not a brainer’. I’m going to use it on my grandson to show I’m hip with the kids.”
Me: “I think ‘that’s a no-brainer’ might be more usual.”
Elderly Customer: “You know what else the kids say? Go f*** yourself!”

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Model Perspective
Tourist Attraction | Devon, UK
(A customer is visiting South Devon where there are a lot of tourist attractions including a very popular model village. He has just been on a tour and is now looking out over the town from a hillside.)
Customer: “You have a good view here. Is that the Model Village over there?”
Me: “No, sir. That is an example of perspective.”

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Business Daze

Computer Repair | Detroit, MI, USA
(The customer has a covered hardware issue. It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.)
Me: “I’m going to request that a replacement device be sent to you, free of charge. You should receive your replacement in 2 business days.”
Customer: “I shouldn’t have to wait 2 business days! You need to make it arrive Friday!”
Me: “I understand your frustration sir, but tomorrow is Wednesday and the second business day is Friday. Thursday is the holiday.”
Customer: “You make it get here Friday!”
Me: “Sir, Wednesday is one business day. Friday is two business days. You will have your replacement on Friday.”
Customer: “Put your supervisor on!”
Supervisor: *after greeting the customer and looking at the details for the replacement* “What can I do for you sir?”
Customer: “That girl’s trying to teach me how to count!”

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The Conversation Has Taken A Sudden Dive

Skydiving | Chesapeake, VA, USA
(I am answering basic questions for a potential skydiving customer.)
Customer: “How long is the free-fall part?”
Me: “About 30-40 seconds.”
Customer: “30 seconds!? I thought it was like five minutes? That’s how it is in the movies!”
Me: “But that’s in movies. Actual skydives average about a 30 to 40 second free-fall.”
Customer: “Why?”
Me: “Because that’s how long it takes to fall from the highest altitude that you can safely jump from.”
Customer: “If I’m going to pay $250 to jump, I want to fall for five minutes.”
Me: “Might I point out that it doesn’t even take objects in space five minutes to fall to earth? You could be in orbit and not get a five minute free-fall.”
Customer: “So if I call around, no one will be able to give me 5 minutes?”
Me: “No, ma’am.”
Customer: “Is there anyway you guys could fly the plane higher so I’d fall for five minutes?”
Me: “No ma’am, we cannot do that. Besides the fact that it is physically impossible, you would die. If you’re still hung up on this five-minute thing, call NASA and tell it to them.”
Customer: “Oh, so they do that?”

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The Economy Is Crumbling

Video Game Store | Ohio, USA
(The phone is ringing off the hook and my co-worker finally answers it.)
Co-worker: “Hello this is [store name], how may I help you?”
Customer: “Do you have that guitar game that just came out?”
(My co-worker looks to me and I confirm we only have one left.)
Co-worker: “Yes ma’am, but we only have one left.”
Customer: “If you hold that f***ing game, I swear I’ll bring you homemade f***ing cookies.”
Co-worker: “It’s f***ing held.”
(Less than half an hour later, the woman comes in to pick up her game, with a huge bag full of homemade cookies.)

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Driving On The Blind Side Of Caution, Part 2

Photo Lab | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada
(An elderly woman is picking up some photos. She is wearing extremely thick glasses but still can’t seem to see very well. She’s squinting at the pricing sign on the wall.)
Customer: “What’s that big sign say?”
Me: “It’s a list of our prices for different sized photos.”
(I read out the prices.)
Me: “Here are your pictures. It comes to [price].”
Customer: “Oh, thank you.”
(She pulls out her wallet and holds it inches away from her eyes as she tries to find the right money.)
Customer: “Is this bill a five or a ten?”
Me: “That’s a five.”
Customer: “Okay.”
(She puts the bill on the counter and then pours some coins into her hand. After a few seconds of trying to see the coins, she holds her hand out to me.)
Customer: “Would you mind counting the change out for me? The coins are so small!”
Me: “No problem.” *counts change* “Have a good day.”
(She pulls a set of car keys out of her pocket and walks out the door, leaving me and one of my co-workers with our mouths open.)

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Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts Would Disagree

Train Station | London, UK
(Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)
1st Tourist: “Where are we going?”
2nd Tourist: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”

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Walking Tall, Thinking Small

Hotel | South Portland, ME, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], how can I help you?”
Guest: “I’m wondering if you have any vacancies tonight?
Me: “Sure!”
(I tell her the availability and prices.)
Guest: “Well, I have a walk-in coupon for a lower price. Can I use that?”
Me: “Sure, but I wont be able to make a reservation for that price because it is for a walk-in only.”
Guest: “Okay, I’ll need to take your airport shuttle though. Can I still use the walk-in rate?”
Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”
Guest: “I’m taking a shuttle. I wont be walking in!”