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Thread: Club Q Q107-Loyalty Club (Southern ON Only) v4

  1. #29851
    Canadian Guru kawam's Avatar
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    HOW TO START A FIGHT


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

    'No,' she answered. I then said,

    'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And that's when the fight started.....

    _______________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes", she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ______________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...

    _______________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started......

    ______________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started........

    ________________________________

    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

    That's how the fight started.

  2. #29852
    Smart Canuck Knottythots's Avatar
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    Have a nice weekend, off to get new plates, driverís licence and health card. Oh the love of lines.

  3. #29853
    Computer Techy at large! TO_Harley's Avatar
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    Hi all, happy friday! The snow has stopped, the sun is shining - looks like it's going to be a fine day. Enjoy!

  4. #29854
    Computer Techy at large! TO_Harley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knottythots View Post
    Have a nice weekend, off to get new plates, driverís licence and health card. Oh the love of lines.
    Sounds like someone is having a birthday?

  5. #29855
    Mastermind the H team's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knottythots View Post
    Hi Berndawg

    Will be at the same show 2 days before my Birthday, but had to by them myself, and not sure the wife wants to go. Glad your back working.

    For a picture go to advanced, then below the bos is Additional Options go to Manage attachments. i
    Quote Originally Posted by TO_Harley View Post
    Sounds like someone is having a birthday?
    if i'm not mistaken, it should be on feb 10th.
    NASCAR SEASON is underway for 2019.
    Joey Logano
    wins his 1st Championship

    nascar:a way of life
    everything else is just a game

  6. #29856
    Smart Canuck hmjm61's Avatar
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    Drive carefully!
    Have a great weekend.

  7. #29857
    Pull Together Argo53's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heartgirl99 View Post
    our phone number, 40 years ago, used to be le(nnox)6-8244.
    too bad i can't remember what i did last week.......

    Our exchange was Cherry (24). Every time I gave my phone number, I got hungry.
    Courage is not the absence of fear but acting in spite of it.

  8. #29858
    Pull Together Argo53's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by waynethegolfer View Post
    You need 22 more posts for five twos.
    Do coins then start falling out of Feetie's computer?
    Courage is not the absence of fear but acting in spite of it.

  9. #29859
    Canadian Guru kawam's Avatar
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    All Repped out. Have a Great weekend!

    Support your local Theatre. Great entertainment at a low cost!

  10. #29860
    Mastermind the H team's Avatar
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    FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
    FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.


    The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

    Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
    Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:



    TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:


    (1) They live here. You don't.
    (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
    (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
    (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


    Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

    (1) eat less,
    (2) don't ask for money all the time,
    (3) are easier to train,
    (4) normally come when called,
    (5) never ask to drive the car,
    (6) don't smoke or drink,
    (7) don't want to wear your clothes,
    (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
    (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
    (10)
    if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ....
    NASCAR SEASON is underway for 2019.
    Joey Logano
    wins his 1st Championship

    nascar:a way of life
    everything else is just a game

  11. #29861
    Senior Canuck WULFMAN's Avatar
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    OH FUR SURE!!!

    I have also good memories of MLG !!! Seen plenty of good concerts,,,and I seen some of the same as you Knottythots

  12. #29862
    Canadian Guru WolfDio's Avatar
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    A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
    The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
    in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
    Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
    However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
    She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
    The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
    of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
    'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the
    bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
    After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped
    just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
    She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did
    they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
    'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you
    like a drink?'
    'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
    'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf
    on that statue, the lights go out.

    Now, how about that drink?'


    I live in a Cartoon World as I am surrounded by Characters.

  13. #29863
    LIVE EVERY MIN. 2 THE MAX 22hicks's Avatar
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    I hope everyone has a great w/end
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  14. #29864
    Canadian Guru WolfDio's Avatar
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    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
    Q. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death
    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (what the!)
    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie
    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby
    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
    Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Sheek wears on his head


    I live in a Cartoon World as I am surrounded by Characters.

  15. #29865
    CrazyGilligan psells's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillyLoocie View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by the H team View Post
    poker any one?
    Thanks for the summary of the article, HT.

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