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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:28 AM #126901
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
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- Scarborough West
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JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think aboutall this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know howSanta Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Three boys are in the school yard bragging abouttheir fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dadscribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dadscribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no malepallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorialservice, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:29 AM #126902
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
- Location
- Beaches, Toronto
- Posts
- 13,357
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- 57958
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:33 AM #126903
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:37 AM #126904
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
- Location
- Beaches, Toronto
- Posts
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Congrats to you both 22 and wolfie! Enjoy the game and the concert I'm sure you will.
What questions did you have to answer Wolfie?
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:47 AM #126905
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
- Location
- Scarborough West
- Posts
- 11,000
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- 100135
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. "
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre. "
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10p coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer."
"And believe me Mr, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:50 AM #126906
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
- Location
- Scarborough West
- Posts
- 11,000
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- 100135
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MERGER TIPS FOR 2015
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2015:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:55 AM #126907
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
- Location
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- Posts
- 1,212
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- 5246
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Who got the plant answers I still dont have them
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:57 AM #126908
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
- Location
- Toronto, Ontario, Canada
- Posts
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- 5246
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Yeah to the lucky winners.
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:57 AM #126909
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
- Location
- Scarborough West
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Harry grew up & became a smart canuck:
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter Than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
The situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants..'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval '
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble-gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog Does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,.................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 11:59 AM #126910
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
- Location
- Near Toronto
- Posts
- 29,339
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- 68053
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- 4 (100%)
Nothing jazzy, nothing fancy just a lunch that's quick,
You can choose your sandwich, all you do is take your pick,
You'll need to have some change to put in the slot,
& I hear the roast beef is quite decent & the mustard is pretty hot,
If it's grilled cheese that you desire that selection is up to you,
Create your very own sandwich, all yours to chomp & chew,
I hope the lettuce isn’t wilted & the pickles still have crunch,
Nor am I sure what to expect from a sandwich machine lunch,
Maybe you fancy a BLT or meatballs that are sweet & sour,
Just don’t take long to make up your mind if you only have an hour,
I just might try a reuben or go for the smoked turkey,
& for all you spicy sandwich lovers, I recommend the beef jerky.
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 12:19 PM #126911
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
- Location
- Scarborough West
- Posts
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apropos or what?
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 12:22 PM #126912
- Join Date
- Jun 2012
- Location
- West Hill
- Posts
- 1,239
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- 10990
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 12:48 PM #126913
- Join Date
- Jan 2010
- Location
- North York
- Posts
- 15,557
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 02:37 PM #126914
- Join Date
- Dec 2014
- Location
- Near Apsley On for the summer
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Wed, May 27th, 2015, 04:44 PM #126915
- Join Date
- Dec 2014
- Location
- Near Apsley On for the summer
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Sooooo true.
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