A long happy marriage-how do you do it?

[DH666]

earplugs!

[DH666]

We never fight. We never call each other names. We have had our share of problems, but fighting would only excarcebate them. Calm discussions work best for us. 21 years and counting. The earplugs are so I can sleep at night.

[danielzmom]

[danielzmom]

occasional small fights..we respect each other,no name calling..etc..been 10 years with each other..

[danielzmom]

earplugs!

i like this idea..

[Angela273]

I am getting married in one month's time. We have been together for 9yrs today. We did not get married sooner because I was still in university finishing my degree (living 5hrs away from him most of the year). We have been through a lot together. Four years ago today I was in Surgical Intensive Care Unit in Regina undergoing multiple surgeries. I wasn't expected to live and he never left my side. By no means has it been an easy ride up until now. We have gone through a lot and are still going strong. We are a great support to eachother. You have received a lot of good advice already, much of which I would have said myself, particularly the part about communication being very important.

[Lynn49]

Marry the right man.
Seriously.
If he doesn't treat you with the highest regard while you're dating, nothing is going to change when you get married.
It may get worse.
Dump him.

We've been married for 41 years. Now I'm going to say something very controversial: we may have fought once during those years. And I absolutely have to laugh when I hear someone say: "Oh, that's not good. You must be supressing something." LOL. Uh, no...I married the right man.

We do have disagreements. Far different than arguments. For us, anyway.
If I suggest we do or purchase something that's major, and if he disagrees, he'll say 'let's think about it' and then give me reasons why he thinks it might not be good to do that at the time. If I disagree, I just say that, and give him reasons why we should do it now. Then we drop it. When we get back to the subject, usually one of us has come to the conclusion that the other person had better reasons than the other one, or it just doesn't matter anymore! You'd be amazed at how some things just aren't important enough to matter.

We had many chats before we were married about finances (he's a saver, I'm a spender, so he saves and I get to spend the rest...works for me)...how to raise our children, what we feel is important (no 'divide and conquer' tactics by the kids, etc)...etc, etc. So really...what the heck was there to fight about?

Arguments have ground rules:

No name calling
No bringing up the past...what he or she did back then...
No raised voices
Stick with the problem at hand, not every single thing that's bothering you two at the time.
Actually listen to the other person without thinking what your response is going to be...it's conversation, not a dueling match.

If it gets heated, walk away, both of you and come back to the table with a renewed spirit of cooperation and a determination to sort the problem out without the "I WIN, YOU LOSE" nonsense. In an argument, no one wins. Discussions end in agreements...not with winners or losers.

Really.....I always feel it's my pleasure to make my hubby happy, comfortable, and loved. His pleasure is to make me feel the same.
He'd never think to make himself a cup of tea in the evening without asking if I want one. And I do the same....it's that way in all aspects of our life together and after 41 years...I wish we could start over....
That's what love is.

Sorry you two had a tiff....but you love each other....you'll find a way back.

Oh, and here's your solution: DON'T say rude or bad things to each other or call each other names.
That would solve the 'apologizing' problem for both of you.
If anyone has to resort to that, it's out of control and not productive.
Stop, leave, come back when cooler heads can prevail.

Good luck, Hon!

[Lua]

being a newelywed, i'm loving all these stories/tips.

Lynn - always love your posts. i guess i can say i married the right one because we've never really had a big fight. we have disagreements now and then, but never had a heated fight. our friends think something is wrong with us! lol

[Patty Smyth]

I don't fight with people I love. I save that for people I want out of my life. lol

I guess my DH answered already so no need to repeat but what few problems we have are not related to our relationship but rather our living circumstances, my parents live with us and my mom has alzheimers and my dad is a big pain. We don't fight or argue we just say this is a problem how do we fix it and usually it's solved in minutes.

Just wanted to add that contrary to what people say I do not believe fighting is healthy.

[anisa]

i have a hubby who is of the same culture/heritage. except he didn't grow up in canada.

plus he's bossy and spoiled. he has tantrums and doesn't budge an inch on anything. i clean up after him like he's my child.

he's a good man, has taught me what it means to be family. he is very honest and believes in treating ppl fairly. he's a good dad to our kids, and he loves to laugh (at me, and with me) he would rather do stuff with me and the kids, than hang out with others just for the sake of it.

he drives me NUTS, but i love him.

we fight, mostly because he's so hard-headed.

he's the only true friend i've had in my life.

i see us being together forever. it's a little overwhelming sometimes, but i have more positives in my life than i have ever had before. i think that's worth keeping

[Kalmel]

I remember my mom asking me years ago...do you want to be right or do you want to be happy??? .... I want both! . Ok, so i did that and it was a total disaster.I was always right all the time and very happy about that ..felt like xmast all year!..but i matured and saw the light..well it was more like a flashlight, since i was camping and all..lol!

Seriously, been married for 12 years and my hubby is my very bestfriend. I respect him as a person and respect what he as to say..might not agree all the time but we often agree to disagree.

[couponandoff]

Accept who they are Forgive for who they are not Love for who together you'll be.
14yrs yesterday.

[mjaas]

Accept who they are Forgive for who they are not Love for who together you'll be.
14yrs yesterday.

very nice!

[coyote00]

I have come to realize that over 19 years most of are arguments could have been prevented if we both just stood back for even a minute and asked ourselves "..is this really important what we are fighting about.., can we postpone this conversation to a later time when we both aren't so emotionally charged or judgmental.." We try not to go to bed angry with each other because you never know if you will have the chance to say sorry tomorrow.

[TudorChick]

we fight like cats and dogs but love each other. we are both stubborn and don't like to let things go.i asked him once if we should just divorce we fight so much over little things,and he said a couple that doesn't fight has something wrong..

my parents fought like cats and dogs too and have been together for over 35 years.