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  1. #1
    Canadian Guru
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    I think there are a few of you dealing with this too. There's times it's really difficult to listen to the same questions over and over, or seemingly silly questions, or a combination of the two.

    For example, we're having some company over tomorrow afternoon. I've been asked too many times which day it is they're coming. Then I get asked whether we're going to give them any food or drink (and my sarcastic self WANTS to say, no, we're just going to sit around and look at each other, maybe watch TV, no food or drink is permitted). For over a week now, I get asked several times a day if we have a red tablecloth, and whether we should put it on now. *sigh*

    Sorry, just had to vent a bit.
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  2. #2
    Canadian Genius Giving-Small's Avatar
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    Oh Zonny ... it's so hard. Good to vent. Important to have a place to recharge. Hope company is fun for one and all.
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  3. #3
    Smart Canuck ame555's Avatar
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    Sometimes writing down your answers and giving it to the person can help and then each time they ask you tell them to look at their sheet -- it only works for some people and only at a certain stage. Years ago when I worked in a Dementia Day Program it was a technique we used with great success with some.

    Professionally I can give you all kinds of answers, but I know on a personal level they are not all practical. When my grandmother lived with us sometimes you just wanted to scream at her! But getting away for a few minutes or venting on here can you give you a little bit of your sanity back.

    All the best Zonny.

  4. #4
    Canadian Guru
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    Thanks all, I knew there were some of you out there who would understand. Right now we're still having the repeated conversation about when the people are coming tomorrow and what we're having, and why I don't want her to know about the plans. I don't want to make her feel bad for not remembering, but sometimes (like in this case) I do tell her that I'm not hiding anything, that we've had this conversation several times over.

    I do encourage her to write things down and sometimes I do leave a note about things, that does help. I went through worse than this with my Dad, he had dementia but he was in a nursing home. It's different with Mom, she lives with us, and her memory loss is not as bad. She is HUGELY helpful in that she cooks dinner for us, etc. But with her here all the time it gets overwhelming at times.

    Thanks again all.
    Last edited by Zonny; Thu, Dec 22nd, 2011 at 05:57 PM.

  5. #5
    One Awesome Domestic Diva MrsSunshine's Avatar
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    I can understand too Zonny.. its very hard on all those involved.. my poor FIL near the end.. would literally tell us to leave within minutes of us arriving.. as he forgot who we were or how long we'd been there.. MIL would just say don't worry about it. its ok.. he couldn't remember ppl that he lived next door to. the worst was driving OMG. im so glad things worked out the way they did with his license but i honestly do not know how this man never killed anyone going to and from church/store.

    Zonny. does Halifax offer any source of respite care for her.. where she can go 1-2x a week for a few hours to play cards, socialize etc.. its not much of a break but its something..

    can you have her help you out with regards to making something for the dinner.. even place cards, folding napkins for the table..
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  6. #6
    Smart Canuck nothingfancy's Avatar
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    Do you get any time away? Or does she get any time away, maybe like a seniors center?

    I know how difficult it can be. DH's grandmother suffers from Alzheimer's. She has gotten progressively worse over the years. I remember meeting her the first time and she was soooo interested in talking to DH about school and whatnot. He'd graduated 4 or 5 years prior, but she would forget and ask the same questions, in the same order even, every three minutes. It bothered DH so much we had to move to a different room. It was the first time he'd visited with them in a long time and didn't know how to deal with her because she wasn't the person her remembered her to be. Dealing with her one on one...there's only so many ways you can rephrase things. It does become extremely difficult.

    The last visit we had with them she didn't remember who we were. Funny thing happened though...her husband must have put her teeth on the kitchen table for her to put in at some point. As I was cleaning the kitchen, she kept asking me what they were. They stuck out like a sore thumb because they were the only thing on the table. I told her I don't know how many times that they where her teeth. She thought that was the most hilarious thing! So finally I had to convince her to let this stranger put this contraption in her mouth because at that moment in time she had no clue how to put them in. At least it put them out of sight out of mind! She stopped asking about them.

    I don't understand how her husband deals with it day-in and day-out. Hopefully you have your own space where you can get some time away or maybe you can look into some organized seniors activities so she can have a little time away too. I wish you all the best.
    nothingfancy

  7. #7
    Canadian Guru
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    To be clear, things aren't THAT bad. She never forgets who we are, or forgets where she is, or can't get out and about on her own. DH and I both work during the day and DS goes to school, she goes out and about on the bus or walking and shops during the day if the weather is OK, etc. It's just short term memory loss, she might ask you about the same thing several times in the same conversation or ask you about them daily, or tell you the same news that she'd heard more than once. Our DS is five, and we're perfectly OK with going out for a few hours and leaving him in her care. If he's already gone to bed, she'll stay within hearing distance and go check on him a few times (more than we would!), and we're perfectly fine with that.

    She has our finished basement to herself including a bedroom, bathroom and sitting room, has her own TV down there. She's conscious of giving us our own space, after supper she'll have a cup of tea and will often go down to watch TV, talk on the phone, read a book, etc.

    So things are fairly good now. I really don't need a getaway, just have a bit of frustration from time to time.

    But I thank you all for your understanding.
    Last edited by Zonny; Thu, Dec 22nd, 2011 at 07:09 PM.

  8. #8
    One Awesome Domestic Diva MrsSunshine's Avatar
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    thats ok. were all here anyway when you need to vent.
    Be Strong
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    Simple as that!

  9. #9
    Canadian Guru avoncallingu's Avatar
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    I hear you when it comes to trying to deal with relatives who don't remember or get everything confused. My dh has to make sure he checks directly with his sister because his mum gets messages completely confused. Being realistic about what the person can deal with is tough sometimes because - at times the person is actually very "with it" - you just can never tell when the story is real or imagined or contorted.
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  10. #10
    Mastermind win-star's Avatar
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    MY dad is the same way ... but not too bad .... it's ever so slightly getting worst every year.

    Also as my dad is getting older ... He's getting what I personally call the "big old baby" .. as some old people [not all] ... My dad act kinda like a "kid" .. does what he "thinks" is best, easily gets angry if don't get enough sleep or sometimes "whats he thinks is 'best' or not using his idea" etc. ... or another way i call it "kid symptoms" or he easily gets angry

    Some seniors I see acts like this too ... not just my dad .. but not all act like this and the other "some" acts are very nice and great and fun as how they were always

  11. #11
    Mastermind Natalka's Avatar
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    I haven't experienced it myself, simply because my parents died in their sixties, but a sister of mine is going through it with her MIL in her late 80s, so I hear what she is going through.

    Bless your hearts for being patient and understanding, and you are lucky to still have your Mom with you; I would endure absolutely anything to have that.

  12. #12
    $power
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    Zonny....what a blessing you are to your Mom.

    My hb is in a NH and his memory is all over the place. Asks me to marry him ( we've been married almost 25 yrs ) and thinks we have 4 kids , instead of 2.
    I keep reminding myself that he can't enter my reality so I have to go along with his instead.

    I don't have anything to offer you except my respect for standing by her...

  13. #13
    Mastermind Lynn49's Avatar
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    Pm'd, you Zonny....


  14. #14
    Smart Canuck saraL's Avatar
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    I have the same issues with my mother. She isn't so bad but she does get "stuck in a loop" as I call it. I know her well enough to know certain things she can not remember or will not deal with and I simply don't tell her. It sounds awful but it's for my sanity, not hers. We have company coming over on Friday and I will tell her about it maybe an hour or so before they get here.

    In cases where I HAVE to tell her, I try to answer as simply and concrete as I can and play it down. I try to make her feel relaxed because stress makes it worse. [even though the stress is all made up but you know...]
    I haven't go to the writing it down trick but maybe I will do that. Although most likely, she will probably just forget where she put the piece of paper but who knows. . .


  15. #15
    2y uterine cancer free Mia001's Avatar
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    these people are given to us to practice our patience and our sense of humor.....i totally know what you're dealing with.....i've been there...

    as $Powe said, you have to live in their world.....
    and as SaraL ,we must give simple answers to their questions...
    and more than anything, they need to be comforted , reassured and feel they are loved and that someone care for them

    Dad was in a care home few years before he died tomorrow last year and i was with him before and wen he was in the care home untill the end. Though it was hard to live some days, i don't regret any minute i spent with him....
    Last edited by Mia001; Thu, Dec 22nd, 2011 at 11:09 PM.

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