Club Q Q107-Loyalty Club (Southern ON Only)

[electric_viking]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without him.

The next week, new woman lawyer joined their law firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf
round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used
to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you
mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of
them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one
man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early,
at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could
possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said
this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the
clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this
time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them
left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant
and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a
burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week
She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so
gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to
hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure
out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped
the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could not contain his
curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at
this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late".

[tartanrocker]

OK, here's a couple of Glasgow jokes.....the second one had me laughing for an entire night, every time I thought about it....ROFL!!!


The Pretentious Bono of U2 at his last concert in Glasgow asked the audience for quiet.
He then began clapping his hands slowly and after a few seconds he said, whilst continuing to clap,
" Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. "

A voice from the near the front piped up
"Well stoap F******* clapping then ".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, the bus was particularly full, and after a few stops, a dwarf got on. A young man stood up and offered his seat to the dwarf. The dwarf started shouting and bawling about how he didn't want bloody charity because of his height. The young man took his seat again, and the bus fell silent until the dwarf went to get off at his stop. At this point, the young man who'd offered his seat shouted,

"Haw, wee man! Ah hope when ye get hame, Snow White kicks yer heid in!"

Needless to say, the whole bus went hysterical!


....oh dear, and here I go again!!!!!!.....ROFLMAO!!!!!......TR

[tartanrocker]

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of
the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without him.

The next week, new woman lawyer joined their law firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf
round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used
to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you
mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of
them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one
man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early,
at 6:30 am.

He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could
possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said
this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of
them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant
person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the
clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the
next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this
time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as
she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing
with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered
if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them
left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant
and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a
burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week
She was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was
determined to play the best round of golf of his life, to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty
gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so
gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to
hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure
out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped
the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could not contain his
curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in
college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it
was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at
this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late".

.....LOL!!!.....all bases covered!!!....TR

[electric_viking]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[tartanrocker]

....and this one.....


I was so depressed last night, I called Lifeline


Got a freakin' call center in Kabul

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A**holes..........


LOL!!!....TR

[tartanrocker]

..gotta get back to the basement and continue cleaning out my crafts room....what a job, I might be finished by Monday?....if not, please send a search and rescue dog, and don't forget the cask of brandy round his neck too.....thank you.....LOL!!!....oh, and thanks for all the codes/words.....this group is phenomenal!!!.....TR

[ecat444]

1-2 Clapton W.W.

acoustic

[KarlB]

There *must* be another UK Road Trip Winning Word coming up soon!

Here we go:

ACOUSTIC

KarlB

[ic_ou812]

1:00 UK winning word is acoustic

[electric_viking]

....and this one.....


I was so depressed last night, I called Lifeline


Got a freakin' call center in Kabul

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A**holes..........


LOL!!!....TR

now that's funny!

[electric_viking]

[myopic_mouse]

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10...A below par performance

Is considered damn good.

#9...You can stop in the middle

And have a cheeseburger

And a couple of beers.

#8...It's much easier to

Find the sweet spot.

#7...Foursomes are encouraged.

#6...You can still make money

Doing it as a senior.

#5...Three times a day is possible.

#4...Your partner doesn't hire

A lawyer if you play

With someone else.

#3...If you live in Florida, you

Can do it almost everyday.

#2...You don't have to cuddle

With your partner when

You're finished.

And the number one reason why

Golf is better than sex.....

#1...If your equipment gets old

And rusty, you can replace it!

[myopic_mouse]

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I
thee her eyeth?"
Sam picks up the midget, and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the
rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[truenorthstrongnfree]

#5...Three times a day is possible.

But one would be tired after all that walking around.

[PeteMJ]

The best one today

Pete