I Really Need to VENT!

[ashokia]

I am so mad right now I could spit! (That expression really doesn't make any sense, does it? Unless they mean by yelling in a person's face and spitting while you talk?) ANYWAYS... My MIL keeps calling me two or three times a day, and I usually have no problems answering and chatting with her for an hour about her life since I do the same with my mother. However, DS has been really sick this week, so I haven't been picking up the phone and last night I told DH to call his damn mother already. Does he, NO! So today, after finally getting the baby down for a nap, she calls again, and I pick up so that she won't call again today.

She asks if it is okay if her brother comes with her to Easter dinner, that she hasn't seen him in years and she'd really like for him to come for a visit, but she just wanted to make sure it would be okay first. Now DH's family is crazy. There is no nicer way to say it. There has been so much bad stuff in that family it makes my family look like the Brady Bunch (which it definitely wasn't!). So I have no idea if this Uncle is someone my husband even wants around or not, but I feel like I can't just say no, so I say, I guess that would be okay?

So she says how happy she is because, again, it's been so long since she saw him last and of course everyone will want to see him. So Aunt C is going to bring pickles, gravy and cranberries (like I want fake gravy and cranberries? EW) with Uncle J and Aunt L and G will be so glad to see him and Grandma was already coming. Aunt V has plans I think but she and J might stop in anyway... So I'll have my brother AND his wife at my place for the weekend, I'm so looking forward to it!

Excuse me?!! WTF?! In what universe is it okay to ask someone if ONE PERSON can come and then tag along like ten other people?! Now it would be one thing if these people were actually going to contribute something, but most of them never bring anything and then have the audacity to take home ALL the leftovers. At my baby shower, my mother bought a $50 cake and gave permission to one of these Aunts to take a couple of pieces home to people who hadn't come and they LITERALLY took MORE THAN HALF THE CAKE!!!

I don't know what to do! I don't want to cause trouble, but this is supposed to be a nice First Easter celebration for my DS and our immediate families, not a family reunion for one side of the family!

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I just had to get this off my chest because I was about to explode!

[saveadollardiva]

First off I have to say I am sorry your going through this especially since your little one is not feeling well. (You have enough to think about other than this) I would talk to your DH since it is his family that is coming over and ask to please maybe speak to your MIL and see if he can maybe have them like calm it down for Easter. (Meaning, manners, being nice, no fights etc) Also, I have a problem saying NO to people to. What me and husband usually do is this. If anyone asks us to go somewhere, come over or go to a event, we don't give an answer, we simply say "Let me ask so and so first and see if it is cool, because we have so much on the go we want to make sure we are able to attend fully". I then discuss things with my husband and then we decided wheather or not to go ahead with things.

Your DH should call his mother and say "Hey I don't mine you and someone else coming but not the whole family, you just can not invite people". Maybe then she will rethink the next time. Or your DH just has to say "It is our DS first Easter and we want it to be special, anyone who causes trouble will be out the door". I would just make it known, just so that way people can not say anything later. If your allowing people into your home for dinner they should be respectful. If your DH does it then your MIL wont be after you, and will probably understand better if your DH talks to her. Also, people should at least bring you something if your hosting, especially a whole weekend for some!!!...like that is just manners itself. Just my two cents.

[Patty Smyth]

Wow, I hate family.

This sucks for you. No advice, I have already disowned all of mine.

[marstec]

Boy...you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Have you thought of having the extra person over and then telling the others that they can come visit later in the day (ie after the dinner)? You can put away your stuff and clean up a bit and have a few dainties. I think these people clearly have "boundary issues" and they've clearly outstayed their welcome. You might have an important decision to make: whether they belong in your life. The key concern should be you and your immediate family, that is, your son and husband.

[DianneS]

I think I would call her back and tell her: "You caught me off guard when you called this morning about Easter dinner. Now that I've had time to think about it, I wanted to let you know that I would be happy to have your brother attend with you, however we simply are not equipped to handle everyone else." I wouldn't offer excuses....just be firm and friendly. If she starts in you, simply suggest that she might want to have the larger group over to her home for brunch that morning so they all have some time together. Put the ball back in her court and hang up the phone while you are still 'in control'.

[secheltsaver]

Cook and prepare for the number of people you invited.....no more.Act horrified and caught off guard when the uninvitees show up.Let them figure it out.I'd put the devil emoticon here,but have no idea where to find it

[walkonby]

Why is it families treat us worse than complete strangers? Do they think they get a " blood " pass?
Oh Ashokia, have a good long heart to heart with DH about the whole situation, make sure you are both exactly on the same page, united front and all that.
Then make the dreaded phone call, or have him make it.
Bow out of that " dinner for schmucks" , but let the original invite stand along with MIL's brother.
Best of luck! I will be saying a prayer that it goes well.

[hollyquaiscer]

OMG, I feel so very sorry for you. It's certainly not right of her to put all that on you when you are dealing with an ill child. I would do as walkonby suggested. Talk to DH, it's the best way, try and have him call his mom if possible. You should not feel pressured cook dinner for all these people and deal with sick baby. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING!

[Darth Penguin]

I think I would call her back and tell her: "You caught me off guard when you called this morning about Easter dinner. Now that I've had time to think about it, I wanted to let you know that I would be happy to have your brother attend with you, however we simply are not equipped to handle everyone else." I wouldn't offer excuses....just be firm and friendly. If she starts in you, simply suggest that she might want to have the larger group over to her home for brunch that morning so they all have some time together. Put the ball back in her court and hang up the phone while you are still 'in control'.

+1,000.

Be polite and to the point.Ignore any begging or pleading.

If and she will almost certainly try to get your DH to change your mind...ask him if he's prepared to do all the extra work involved in hosting a large party. If he's not, then it isn't happening because you're not prepared to do it neither.

Your DH needs to put you and your son ahead of anything else. Even to the extent of denying his birth family access to your home.

Good luck Ashokia.

[Darth Penguin]

Another thing, should Dh's family show up anyway and accuse you of not being welcoming...point out that you never issued the invitation, they should have CHECKED WITH YOU rather than take a second parties invite as gospel truth and let them know when they are welcome to come and see you.

Don't let them shame you into capitulatingfor the sake of a few hours peace.

[ashokia]

So I sent an email to DH earlier telling him about what had happened and how upset I was and he got mad at ME and said I shouldn't attack his family and that he has never gotten in the way of me seeing my family. Total guilt trip. I sent a very nasty email back (I'm PMSing for the first time since I got pregnant with DS, and DS is sick and neither of us have gotten much sleep the past few days, so we are all understandably cranky and on edge) saying that all I was looking for from him was validation that his mom really shouldn't have asked to bring one person and then tagged on a bunch of other people without asking. He said this was one of his favourite Uncles and so of course he wants to see him. My response to that was, how was I supposed to know it was a 'GOOD' one?! It could have been the one who abused his own sister for all I knew!

We both had calmed down by the time he came home and he has agreed to call her tomorrow and speak to her, and tell her that it is okay if everyone comes but he needs to know by Wednesday who is definitely coming and everyone will have to bring something. This really doesn't address the issue, but it seems to be the most he's willing to compromise.

I just don't understand why he thinks his family is more important than mine? And how uncomfortable my mother and grandmother are now going to be sitting down to dinner with a dozen strangers. The only reason I invited his mother and brother in the first place was because his mother guilted me into it saying she and DH's brother had no where else to go.

One of DH's Aunts works for the company who owns our apartment building, so they are going to get us the party room downstairs for free so there is room for everyone, but I'm honestly tempted to just stay upstairs with my few family members and the baby that day and let them have their reunion without us. I know that probably sounds petty, but I'm extremely upset that they've turned what should have been a great first Easter for our son with our immediate families, to this family reunion.

I think I'm more upset because just two weeks ago, we Christened DS and they were all invited to come then, and no one bothered to show up. But as soon as there is mention of free food, they're lining out the door! And I already bought my turkey and ham thinking I only needed to feed a dozen people, and now I've got two dozen or more!

Thanks for letting me vent guys, it really has made me feel so much better to have someone validate that I am not being a selfish b for not wanting a bunch of virtual strangers showing up uninvited.

[DianneS]

Please assign one of your guests to bring paper plates, napkins and plastic cutlery.....and post a job list for everyone, too.

[misstarbender]

I hosted at christmas...will never do it again...I feel for ya sister...family sucks!!!

[nicolthepickle]

Assign things, big things! Tell your MIL that you do have a turkey and ham, but you're going to need another 8 lb ham, and if she could cook and bring that please.
And Uncle J and Aunt L could bring drinks for everyone.
Use paper plates, napkins because at the end you're going to be mad at all the dishes you have to wash.

Above all remember that you and your DH are a team. You're on the same side, together not against eachother. Try to get some sleep, make him some nacho's and tell him how you feel about all of this. Ask him if he could help organize it. Ask nicely, not spitting mad.

[i_forget]

I would SOOOOOOOO put decorations up for the Christening.....catch everyone off-guard so they feel guilty and open up their wallets