My parenting delimma of the day - Update

[Mrs H]

OK...this has nothing to do with shopping, couponing, deals, but it's bugging me so...

My Grade 1 son got off the bus yesterday with a book from his school's book fair. He was thrilled, which is great, except I did not give him money for the book fair. I asked him where he got the money. He told me a Grade 2 neighbour girl gave it to him. She had just gotten off the bus too, so I asked her if this was true and she agreed that it was. I asked her why she gave him the money and she says that she gave it to him to "bring to the school office", not buy a book - and she was mad. So I had to start digging to find out the story.

That morning, the Grade 2 neighbour girl and a Grade 3 neighbour girl gave my son a baggie with money and asked him to take it to the school office. He did not know what to do with the money, so when he got to school he approached a teacher in the school yard and showed her the baggie of money. The teacher told him to show his own teacher. When he got to his classroom, his showed his own teacher and she asked him if the money was for the book fair. He replied that he did not know. She (very logically) assumed that a 6 year old coming to school with money is bringing it to spend at the book fair, so she sent him to the library and he bought a book.

I probed further about why Grade 2 neighbour would give money to my son - I was confused. She was upset that he spent the money because "he wasn't supposed to" but couldn't offer me any more of an explanation. Last night I found a Ziploc baggie in my son's backpack with a nickel inside and "Money for the School" written across the front of the baggie.

This morning I took my son to his bus stop and spoke to the mother of Grade 3 girl. She filled me in on the rest of the story - Grade 2 neighbour girl, Grade 3 neighbour girl and Grade 6 neighbour girl went door to door recently and, on their own volition, used the name of their school to try to raise $$. There is no current school fundraiser. They managed to collect a small amount of money.

Parents of Grade 3 girl found out and said that if the girls collected money on behalf of the school, it needed to be given to the school. Then their daughter and Grade 2 girl gave it to my son to turn in for them. And so the story goes...

I told mother of Grade 3 girl that the book my son bought does not belong to him and that we will donate it to the school library. She says OK, but seems kinda unfazed by the whole thing. Even says at one point that it "isn't really a big deal." I agreed with her that in the grand scheme of the world, this is not a "big deal", but I wanted to understand the story and I wanted her to know what happened too. So we say that the case is closed in the presence of Grade 2 girl, Grade 3 girl and my son.

This afternoon I have been stewing about how I am the one that has to take a trip to the school to "donate" this book. And should I say something to the school? And should I say something to Grade 2 girl and Grade 6 girl's parents? And how it isn't right that 3 kids went door to door asking for money under false pretenses. I called my mom and told her the story - mom's are the greatest, aren't they? And she gave me another option. She sauggested that I should let my son keep the book. I should replace the cost of the book ($5.25), add it to the nickel in the baggie and bring it back to Grade 3 neighbour girl and let her do what she was supposed to do in the first place - donate it to the school. My mother's point is that they girls knew they had done something wrong and instead of making a right out of a wrong, they used my son. My mom cleverly pointed out that the girls have no consequence to their actions.

My only "worry", and I put it in quotes because I am not terribly worried about it really, is now I am going to look a little high strung to my neighbour. We said case closed this morning and now I am going to go over there again tonight. My plan is to say as few words as possible - I really don't need to explain myself and I barely know these people.

"Hi. You know, we though about it further and we've decided to keep the book that my son picked out. We are returning the full amount of money to your daughter. Thanks!" smile

Sorry for the uber-long post. I feel better though. My parents laughed when he heard the story. They said this is only the beginning....

Update:
This evening I went to Grade 3 girls house and returned the money. Thanks to everyone who offered their 2 cents!

I agree that the school should know about this, and Grade 3 girl's mother is going to let the school know what happened. She feels her daughter was influenced by the other girls, and I tend to believe her from what I know the of other two girls. Sad thing is that the parents of Grade 2 girl won't give a rat's bum, and Grade 6 girl's mother does not speak english, so it is difficult to speak to the parent effectively. Grade 3 girl's mother is exasperated by the whole situation. Her daughter has already had consequences at home for her actions. She isn't sure how she was going to handle it further.

I am going to let this other mother deal with it for now. I feel for me to go into the school and report this, would be stepping over the other parent. I'll follow up with her in a few days.

[MommyMelanie2007]

I think your moms idea seems right. If someone asks " I thought this situation was closed" " I know , I thought about it some more and it just didnt seem right to me. The girls got this money for the school so the school should decide what to do with the money" If the money was for the school then the school should have the option of what to do with it.

[gilligan34]

"Hi. You know, we though about it further and we've decided to keep the book that my son picked out. We are returning the full amount of money to your daughter. Thanks!" smile

THIS!

Your poor confused little boy was pulled into something he shouldn't have had anything to do with. Let him keep the book, and make the other parents deal with the money.

And don't worry how you look to those parents. They should be the ones worrying how they look - why were their children going door-to-door collecting money under false pretenses, and where were the parents/why didn't they know??

[saveadollardiva]

I understand where you coming from and I also agree with what your mom said. I think the girls here still need to learn their lesson. BUT I also think it is up to the girls parents to push this on them. I think by you giving them back the money they will have no choice but to have their girls do the right thing. I think the girls wanted your son to bring the money to the office so they would not get into trouble because they knew they did wrong. If it was my kids who pulled that I would walk right with them to the office and give the school the money and tell them what happened so my kids learn you can not do that!

I think also for the girls to do this there must be some lack of parenting issues???? Like I have never heard of kids doing that??

[i_love_to_save]

i would give the $$ back as well. and someone posted above DON'T WORRY OF WHAT THEY MIGHT THINK OF YOU.... who cares?? you are only doing what you think is right....

[Natalka]

Oy, how convoluted! Sure, I'd give the money back - but make sure the principal of the school knows the story, what has been going on. You don't want any 'stories' to come back to bite you in the tushie.

[Minou]

I'd just send the principal a copy of most of what you've written here, along with the money. Let the principal call the girls in.

[K8's Fate]

The school in some way should be made aware of the girls' actions. As a teacher, I know that our school board does not promote door to door collections of money as this can be a huge safety concern for the students going to strangers homes. Also, all fundraising needs to have the administrations okay. As their collection of money was done in the school's name, the school needs to be told.

Call the school and ask to speak to the principal. Your concerns are the safety of the girls doing collections door to door, unknown school fundraising, and donating or paying for the book.

I know that at my school parents who care (even about small issues) are looked highly upon.
Good luck

[marstec]

I'd just send the principal a copy of most of what you've written here, along with the money. Let the principal call the girls in.

This is the most reasonable advice. What's to say that the money would ever get back to the school if you allow the other parent to deal with this issue?

[babyluck]

I wonder if the girls parents even knew anything about it before they went door to door, did they support their action from the get go? this is sooo wrong. I would definitely think it is a BIG deal.

[hollyquaiscer]

Your mom is a very wise women. I would though, also follow up with the school principal as your son was involved, even though he didn't know it. That way you are sure the money made it's way back to the school and that the principal is aware of your sons part in this. The principal will most likely talk to the girl that did this spontaneous FUND RAISER) to make sure it doesn't happen again. Otherwise, if for some reason, the money doesnt make it to the school (because that moom has laready dealt with the issue at home) these girls (the ones that have received no consequences that you are aware of) may do it again.

[i_forget]

Go to the school and tell the principal. I would not leave it up to the other mother. Her lack of good judgement in this situation would have me doubting her ability to take care of this. The principal should send a letter home to all of the families in the school telling them that unless it is a school sponsored fundraiser, that they are not allowed to go door-to-door canvasing for money on behalf of the school. There are legal issues surrounding this, plus those children are being put at risk.

Sorry, but where were the parents when these kids were doing this? These kids are probably 7, 8 and 11 and they are being allowed to wander the streets and knock on peoples doors????

This irritates the crap out of me. My son is in grade 3 and there is NO WAY IN H3LL that I would let him out on the streets alone with his friends. I would also never allow him over to a persons house who was not supervising them properly. That mother that said her child was being "influenced" by the others is just as much to blame for this for allowing her child to be in the company of children who are not being supervised properly IMHO.

[salady]

Totally agree with the others. I really think you need to bring this to the principal's attention.