Wow... Just... WOW...

[ashokia]

Okay, so some of you already know the back story to this. My older brother 'Mikey' chose to go home and smoke up rather than stop and see my son for his first birthday after work. I have not spoken to him since then (May 20th) and over the past few days he has been sending me text messages and posting on my Facebook. I probably should have kept ignoring him, but I wanted him to know why I wasn't responding. Here's the conversation that followed. I am beyond upset right now.

Dear Mike (yes, Mike - you are an adult now, even though you don't always behave like one.) You are my brother. I love you. I miss spending time with you. I miss talking with you. But the day you decided to go home and smoke up rather than come spend even two minutes with your family to celebrate your nephews FIRST birthday (and don't even try to tell me that isn't what you did) is the day I decided that I don't want you in my son's life if you aren't ever going to be there for him.

Our father was never there for us. You and I both know what it is like to be the ones always left waiting for someone who never shows up. You have continually disappointed me through the years by promising to visit and then cancelling at the last minute and I have put up with it because I do love you. You are my big brother. You used to be the only one who was there for me.

Noah obviously doesn't understand now that his Uncle Mike missed his first birthday, but one day he will be old enough to ask, "Why isn't Uncle Mike in any of these pictures?" and what am I supposed to tell him then? I don't want you hurting my son the way you have hurt me. You might not think it is such a big deal - and maybe to you it isn't - but for me, every time I get my hopes up that you are coming (and I do get excited because I always have fun when you're with me) and you don't show up, I feel rejected by you the same way I felt rejected by our father. Like I am not important enough for you to make even a little bit of time for. And that's okay. I've learned to live with that over the years, and I've given up expecting you to show up for me. But not showing up for Noah is another thing entirely.

I'm sorry if this makes you angry, or hurt, or upset, but until you can show me that you have changed, I can't have you in my life. I don't want to be the one making the excuses about why Uncle Mike didn't show up the way our mom had to make excuses for our father never being there.

funny how you forget my wifey did go there I worked all day but I guess you don't understand that either I quit smoking and still had to goto work everyday I did pile all my stuff on top of laurie while quitting and unlike you guys (jay and u) we BOTH quit smoking and it was hard you might not have had too either way whatever I don't have the energy for this just delete me off fb and my number if you want me talk to Lauir I'm done wasting energy for this and yes I worked today too!! You don't understand we didn't have ac working I bust my ass at my work, and work every sun I'll tell Noah the same thing I told mom some people work on the weekend and I work every sun normally so your family and parents need to fit Laurie and I in if you wanted.. lol! Oh well u u u.. Have fun!! sorry I have a marriage and a life and a job..every sun I work and goto your events does all the rest work?? man do it on tue my regular day off or sat but tue if you actually cared about laurie and me being there, you have so many uncles so he doesn't need me anyways and if laurie isn't with me don't expect me to sit in a huge group of people after I just worked a long shift.. I guess you have time on your hands to fight now that your sick well again I have to work tomorrow and sun.. so this is my last message good bye!

Your wife was here. She made the effort to come see Noah even though she had to work. She made him a beautiful present which is hanging on Noah's wall and she is in the pictures of Noah's first birthday. I won't have to explain to Noah why his Auntie Laurie wasn't there - she was.

I'm not going to fight with you. I was giving you the courtesy of explaining why I was not returning your texts or messages.

I feel sorry for Noah his mother still acts like a baby herself see difference is we were actually ready for a kid twice and you and everyone else was too busy sitting pouting about your life.. I have to work tomorrow, like I said my last response I'm done, and Laurie only hasn't responded to you yet because she's trying to calm down first.. I feel sorry for you, my best friend and mother in law posted two secs after I posted my status updates wish you could read it.. lol! I have people in my life that care about me, I hope your wannabe friends are there for you when we are not..

[Qtpi]

I am sure you don't want to hear this....but...
Don't fight with your brother, take him as he is. My big (and only) sister died in 2005 and I would put up with ANYTHING to have her here with me. Your siblings are the only link to your past once your parents are gone, and you never know when they may be gone. Be the one to make things right and forgive and forget. Your brother is your brother, take a breath and move on.

[es89]

to ashokia : I DO UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM BIG BRO NEEDS TO GROW UP. NEWPHEWS ARE IMPORTANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH THEY DON'T STAY SMALL FOR LONG, BIG BRO NEEDS TO THINK NOW AND SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY AND TRUE FRIENDS BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LITTLE ONE TURNS DOUBLE DIGITS HE WON'T WHAT TO HANG WITH UNCLE ANYMORE HE WILL HAVE HIS OWN FRIENDS TO PLAY WITH HANG WITH UNCLE NEEDS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU AND THE FAMILY.......... GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL.......OH! AY! I AM A MOM OF 2 ADULT KIDS AND A NANNA TOO. HAVE A BEAUTIFUL GRANDBOY.

[Darth Penguin]

It's NOT about you, it's NOT about your brother...it's about a small child who needs protecting.

If you don't want your son to be around a pot-smoking theif* , then don't engage. He's in the wrong. He knows he's in the wrong which is why he's trying to guilt you into submission...

The whole but it's family is a load of hooey when dealing with the immature, like your brother. He's border-line toxic to be around.

If he wasn't your brother would you allow this behaviour to affect you, your husband and your son?? Of course not. Family , especially toxic members steam-roll people into accepting anti-social behaviour due to blood relationships.

Ask your self again, would you accept this from a stranger? Family should have the courtsey to treat you the best possible way. Which means no guilt trips, no bullying and certainly not across something like FB. Calling in other family members is just piling on the guilt, moreso than when they are not your blood relatives.

eta i hope I'm remembering correctly. If not I'll edit to remove that statement.

[ashokia]

I am sure you don't want to hear this....but...
Don't fight with your brother, take him as he is. My big (and only) sister died in 2005 and I would put up with ANYTHING to have her here with me. Your siblings are the only link to your past once your parents are gone, and you never know when they may be gone. Be the one to make things right and forgive and forget. Your brother is your brother, take a breath and move on.

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. If my brother were to die tomorrow of course I would regret that he wasn't in our lives, as I said to him, I love him. He's my big brother, of course I do. But he is also a drug addict and continually chooses drugs over everything and everyone else. I can't have that kind of negative influence in my son's life. It hurts me to have to cut him out of my life, and I constantly second guess whether or not I am doing the right thing, but I have to do what is best for my son.

[ashokia]

It's NOT about you, it's NOT about your brother...it's about a small child who needs protecting.

If you don't want your son to be around a pot-smoking theif* , then don't engage. He's in the wrong. He knows he's in the wrong which is why he's trying to guilt you into submission...

The whole but it's family is a load of hooey when dealing with the immature, like your brother. He's border-line toxic to be around.

If he wasn't your brother would you allow this behaviour to affect you, your husband and your son?? Of course not. Family , especially toxic members steam-roll people into accepting anti-social behaviour due to blood relationships.

Ask your self again, would you accept this from a stranger? Family should have the courtsey to treat you the best possible way. Which means no guilt trips, no bullying and certainly not across something like FB. Calling in other family members is just piling on the guilt, moreso than when they are not your blood relatives.

eta i hope I'm remembering correctly. If not I'll edit to remove that statement.

Oh Darth, I need to bottle you up so anytime I am having doubts I can just uncork you and get a load of common sense.

(You have an amazingly perfect memory by the way!)

I guess I'm just so used to seeing toxic family relationships I honestly don't think families could actually act differently than this.

[Shwa Girl]

I am sure you don't want to hear this....but...
Don't fight with your brother, take him as he is. My big (and only) sister died in 2005 and I would put up with ANYTHING to have her here with me. Your siblings are the only link to your past once your parents are gone, and you never know when they may be gone. Be the one to make things right and forgive and forget. Your brother is your brother, take a breath and move on.

Sometimes, your true friends treat you better than your family.

My aunt stole from my mother when she was 16. They did not have much money but my mother saved a long time for the little bit she had. She was angry and did not talk to my aunt for many, many years.

My mother has many close friends. Those she can trust and rely on. She did not miss the relationship with her sister.

Just sayin' ...

[Kalmel]

I dunno. My brother doesnt take drugs but drinks alot...alot! He disappears for long periods at a time..he's a free roller coaster ride..without the thrills. Years ago, i finally had to sit back and decide what i wanted for my kids and for myself with this relationship and took awhile ignoring him just to finally make a decision. I love my brother..hate what he is but the love for him is way more than any hate i have. I know my kids dont and never will have a close relationship and beleive it or not i'm ok with that. My kids are happy and are surrounded by people that loves them and i feel sorry for my brother..really i do. Today, my kids love him..yep! they actually really do. I dont tell them when or if he comes for a visit, but when he does..the kids get so excited and stick to him like glue.
I accept him for what he is..do not agree with it at all but the pain of not having my brother in my life or kids to some degree was to much for me.. he still ticks me off at times but he follows my rules when he comes for a visit..rare, but it does happen. He doesnt drink and concentrates alot on the kids... i'm not super happy but when i see my kids jump on him when he walks in the door, it reminds me why i did this.

[tearlessnights]

Surround yourself with people who actually want to be there for you and your son.

Life is too short to worry and stress over him.

[marstec]

ashokia,

You are grieving for the brother that you never had, someone you could depend on. If you want to have any sort of relationship with your real brother, you are going to have to lower your expectations. Don't let your happiness impinge on him being there or acting a certain way. He sounds like an incredibly rude and self-absorbed person. Either cut all ties with him or take some time to regroup - get yourself in a place where he can no longer hurt you. It might help to talk to a professional about this.

[DaveP]

Ah family. I'm actually upset now - I try not to think of it, it's less painful not to.

Dad, good man, but distant. Distant from me I didn't notice when I was growing up, because when you're a kid how do you know anything different? I know different now and the distance from his grandkids (my kids) bothers me. But I can't say anything because that would accomplish nothing positive. Just make the relationship bad. I know when my children have little ones I'll be so in their lives - I can't wait! He just doesn't have that in him and I have to accept that.

Sister, demon from hell. Ever meet someone who believes they are always right all of the time? And that person feels perfectly justified in judging you, all the time, even in front of your kids. And if you don't agree with her she will unleash the vitriol - again, kids present is not something that will make her stop.

I limit our contact now to superficial aquantaince type interactions. When my Dad passes I can cut contact with her completely. I believe there is good in her, but it's far outweighed by the bad. Quite simply, she never grew up. A young teen believes they know everything and have every right to yell it to the world. The vast majority of us grow out of that. She didn't. I hoped for a long time she eventually would, but closing on 40 it's now pretty unlikely.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Natalka]

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. If my brother were to die tomorrow of course I would regret that he wasn't in our lives, as I said to him, I love him. He's my big brother, of course I do. But he is also a drug addict and continually chooses drugs over everything and everyone else. I can't have that kind of negative influence in my son's life. It hurts me to have to cut him out of my life, and I constantly second guess whether or not I am doing the right thing, but I have to do what is best for my son.

You need to make a decision - now. Not that it can't be changed in the future, but you need to do it NOW, for your family's sake and your sanity.
Of course it's terribly hard, but your life will be calmer.

I'm not going to go into my story, but a brother six years older than me was a horrid man (still is, in my eyes) - I cut him mostly out of our lives (not because of drugging or criminal activity, mostly for being a supreme arse), and I still acknowledge him as my brother, but rarely see him - maybe at a wedding or funeral.
I didn't explain this to my son while he was younger, but he sure understood once I told him stuff once he was an adult.

[saveadollardiva]

First off, if was me I would have done and said the same things you did. You have to do what is right for you, your son and your husband now. Yes, you love your brother, but your son and husband should and always be your number one concerns. Yes, he worked, ok, we all work, but he could have still gone there for a few minutes or at least try and make the effort. You have not done anything wrong, he is in the wrong. Your being the adult while he is being the child. If he was an adult he would have come and seen your son. Also, if he had to work on Sunday why not go and see your son on the Saturday? Maybe have spent some one on one time? He could have done that too. MY DH & I have two neices (His Sisters Kids) and he has never missed one birthday! And they love him and go nuts when he comes over and see's them! No excuses. I know you must be feeling bad right now, but don't. HUGS!

[MillieH]

I don't understand why it matters if he showed up for your son's first birthday. Your son didn't miss him and I doubt he will go looking through the photos of all his birthdays to see who was there and who wasn't. At least I hope he doesn't as it means he will grow up focusing on negative things instead of positive. Birthday parties are for the kids and their friends, not for trying to guilt trip family. If you try to force your brother to be what you want him to be it won't happen. If you leave him free to do what he needs to do.. maybe at some point you can both have a loving relationship.. As for him being there for your son, I would rather see him be there if there was a crisis of some sort but definitely don't see a need to show up for birthdays.. If you continue on this path you will ensure that your brother is not in yours or your son's life..

[catz4ever45]

I'm an only child and I would anything to have a sibling I am married with 2 sisters-in-law, but I sometimes think when my parents pass away and if i have the unfortunate event of my husband's passing I will be alone in this world as i cannot have children friends come and go and i have had more go and come your siblings will always come around when u desperately need them i'm not saying ur right or he is but sometimes some distance makes u see what u really have