How to talk about Money with your Mate

Years ago, my husband and I had dinner with another couple, whom I’ll call Bob and Sue. During the meal, we discussed money, the market and our goals and dreams for our families. Then we started talking about retirement, and that’s when Bob got a big surprise.
Sue mentioned that traveling more was her primary goal for retirement. As Sue talked about her travel plans, I looked at Bob and could see he was shocked. Bob then admitted that he’d never heard Sue say anything about travel. “I didn’t know it was a goal,” said Bob.
What made this so surprising is that Bob and Sue had been together for over a decade in a solid relationship. Clearly, even the most engaged couples or partners don’t automatically cover all the bases when it comes to the big stuff, which means we need to make a concerted effort to do better.

More than once, I’ve been in client meetings where it’s clear that couples are having their first discussion on big decisions — kids’ education, saving, even retirement. Without fail, either one or both individuals is surprised, if not shocked, by their partner’s opinion on a topic. So from what I’ve seen, it seems obvious that the more coversations you have about money before you have to make major financial decisions, the happier you’ll be in your relationship.

I think it’s safe to say the rules apply to whatever relationship you’re in, whether it be personal or professional. Having the conversation before the decision gets made can make a huge difference in not only your happiness but also the long-term success of your relationship.
Here are a few things I’ve found that can make a difference:

1. Set a spending threshold. Often our biggest arguments come from surprises. For instance, one of the easiest ways to start an argument is for one spouse to make a big purchase without telling the other. I’ve found it helpful to set a predetermined limit. You choose what it is. Depending on your budget it may be as little as $50 or as much as $500. The point is that you discuss it with your partner.

2. Talk about education. It may seem odd, but one of the most common disagreements I see between couples revolves around their children’s education. One parent may say, “I supported myself and paid for my school. It’s better for our kids if they do that, too.” The other wants to pay for the best school the kids can attend, no matter the price. The point isn’t that one is right and the other is wrong. Since it’s a topic that can raise strong feelings, it needs to be discussed, preferably before the first child is a senior in high school and sending out applications.

3. Decide where to live. Some people really want to own a house, others don’t mind renting. Couples need to have this discussion because it can be an emotional decision. There needs to be an honest conversation about expectations on both sides and what’s right for you as a couple and family. I also can’t emphasize it enough: Don’t view your home as an investment. Buy a house for reasons that aren’t connected to selling it again in a year. Otherwise you may head down a road that causes frustration in the future.

4. Talk about vacations. Because big dollars can be involved, you need to talk through your vacation expectations. You need to be honest with each other about a budget that makes sense for travel and put it in the context of your other financial obligations. The last thing you want to do is go on vacation and then come home only to be shocked by the credit card statement.

5. Review your retirement expectations. The way we think of retirement is changing, and you need to discuss it with your spouse. You may be in the camp that says, “I’m working for 40 years and then I’m done.” However, I’m seeing more people say they want to work long enough to then be able to do something that’s less stressful but more fulfilling. Talk it through and be clear about what’s important to you.

At this point, you may be wondering how to get started. Here’s a few ideas:

Each month set aside a specific time and place to talk. Doing so can help you avoid tricky conversations when they’re least expected or when you may already be irritated by something else. By setting aside time, you can prepare and know what to expect. There may still be disagreements, but because you’re talking about money regularly, it’s less likely to get blown out of proportion.
Also, have a “no shame, no blame” rule. Many discussions around money can end in heated arguments. Take the heat out by giving both individuals permission to have these discussions without shame or blame. The point is that you’re talking through the problems. Then, take responsibility for your actions. While there shouldn’t be any shame, with every discussion you should commit to learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Write the decisions down so you can track your progress. A benefit of monthly meetings is that you can assess how you’re doing, but it requires keeping track of what you’ve agreed to do. Write things down and revisit them during your meeting. Have you made progress? If not, what needs to happen? The list can be a great way to manage your monthly conversations. Don’t be afraid to use it and hold each other accountable.

Finally, automate your decisions. If you decide it’s important to save $200 for education every month, give this decision a head start. Work with the institution that’s holding your savings to make the payment automatic. It will give you one more thing to check off the list and save you from having to remake the decision monthly.

Talking about money with our spouse or business partner doesn’t have to be a scary or stressful affair. In fact, I think we can dial down the stress significantly when we have a better understanding of what matters to the other person in our relationships. It also doesn’t hurt that we get the added benefit of greater financial success in our lives by talking through these big financial decisions before they become critical.

I would add really good food to that conversation. DH and I have covered all those topics and he *hates* the "money update". He's the type that knows he'd want a house someday, but hasn't saved a penny towards it.

A chat over a good meal does wonders. :top:

Isn't money issues one of the main reasons why people split up? I thought I read that somewhere. It's funny how some people will talk about the most intimate stuff, but when money is concerned, they clam up.

My husband and I are on the same page for most things. We are responsible people and we trust each other. I could never understand women who had husbands who scrutinized their every purchase.

The one thing we don't agree about is the childrens' education - I think they should pay for some of it, my husband wants to foot the entire bill. We have struck a bit of a compromise by getting DD to put $500 towards her books.

We talk about money fairly frequently. To be honest it is a little depressing.

As for vacations, our only discussion is how we can't afford it, can't even afford to the gas to visit our sets of parents 8 hrs away. So we don't talk about that.

As for retirement, we may be in our thirties, but can't start even talking about that until we have our student loans paid off.

It has helped though to talk about finances as we both have similar concerns, and we have come to the realization that in about a month's time we will both be working full time jobs and part time jobs, so that we can get a dent in our student loans, and hopefully start to live life. This last year has really put us behind finanically.

I am better at saving money then he is. We keep our individual finances pretty seperate. He pays the utilities etc one month, I pay them the next. Since I cover rent, he pays for groceries. I make more money so I cover about 60-65% of the bills. We each have our own bank accounts although we are signed on each of our accounts.

We keep each other aware of any major expenditures, but when it comes to things like buying a vehicle he trusts my judgement and i make the final decision. We each pay our own student loans back, until one of us has finished paying their loans we are on our own with that.

We've been together for 10 years, married for 4, and this is what works for us. It is honestly what works best for me. I can be a bit controlling, the only other way it would work for me was if I controlled all the money and gave him an allowance, but that would feel less like a partnership. I couldn't just have one joint account for the two of us to use. It just wouldn't work. This does work.

Those discussions are so important to have, and to have them long before a crisis or even just a change in situation occur. When you are stressed out, stressing out over the money is just one more thing you can't handle.

dh and I are usually on the same page with finances, thank goodness. And we have had some challenges thrown at us that had we not talked about the stuff ahead of time, and not had a savings cushion, would have been too difficult to deal with. About 2.5 years ago, he was laid off, and it happened while I was on an unpaid sick leave. Last year, his teenage daughter moved in with us, which increased our costs significantly. And just recently, I found out that my "permanent" job is being surplused, part of the job cuts from the federal budget. If we hadn't had these discussions before, I can't imagine us having them now as my stress level is pretty bad and it's affecting a lot of my life. But we are continuing to talk about it, because until I find a new job, we are continuing with "austerity measures" as we have for the last year with his daughter living with us and trying to get the child support stuff sorted out. And she starts university in the fall.