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Thread: I need some advice...

  1. #1
    Smart Canuck misstarbender's Avatar
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    okay. here goes.
    My boyfriend and I have been together since Dec of 2010. In Feb 2011 I got pregnant. (Ya I know too fast) When I was in about my 3rd month of pregnancy my boyfriend started treated my 5 y/o daughter very badly. never nice to her, ignoring her when she tried to talk to him, whenever he DID talk to her it was to yell at her or just be mean. she was 4 at the time. this has been going on constantly since then. Finally I started noticing it happening more and more and more and was getting really upset about and was telling him that if he couldnt be respect my daughter he would have to find a new place to live. Now everytime I tell him I dont want to be with him anymore he threatens to take the baby (now 7 months old) and run away. other times he tells me that he is going to sue me for custody.
    So today was absolutley the last straw. He was purposfully mean to my daughter. And I had it. I took the girls, dropped them off to my mom, went back home and said I want you to leave this house. (the house is my name) he said no Im not leaving. So I called the police (they and victim services have us on file from the last time) and had him taken from the house.
    He sent me a text message a few minutes ago saying that he's contacted his friend the lawyer and that he is suing me for custody and I will have no access to my daughter.
    Im not the one that sleeps till noon everyday. Im not the one who smokes pot all day every day. Im not the one that completley trashed the house (including the babies room) last time I told him to leave.
    I am the one that gets up at 6am every morning with the baby. Im the one that feeds, baths, clothes both the kids. everyday. he has NEVER given the baby a bath. He refuses to change the baby if she has a poop in her diaper. He doesnt help around the house whatsoever.
    And he is going to get custody of my child? seriously?
    I have made an appt with the family court and am calling for legal aid (I cant afford a lawyer) tomorrow morning.
    do you think he has a case here? Im planning to sue him for full custody of my daughter and no access for him until he pisses clean. He has a terrible dependancy on pot.
    Im afraid that if he gets access to her he will run away with her..
    Im terrified. Utterly terrified right now.
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  2. #2
    KK7 is offline
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    I don't think ANY judge in their right mind would take a child....a baby to boot away from his mother full time even if the father was a perfect angel. I would not worry about it....it sounds like to me he is full of hot air. If you have anything for proof ect of things he has done that is a negative impact on the child I would gather this up. I would also make sure even if it is a he said/she said isssue make sure it is known to the police or to the judge about him threatening to take the baby away. This is verbal abuse and is a scare tactic to win control over you. I think you just need to breath and beleive it is all going to fall in place where it should. I also if possiable have a couple male friends/family who maybe available 24/7 in case he oversteps his boundrys just to let him know you are not going to take any of his crap. If he see's you maybe beleiving that he can take the baby away he is feeling like he is in controlling and winning. You have t show no fear and NEVER EVER stoop to his level. No name calling, no yelling ect ect. State facts and facts only. Best of luck : )

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    Mastermind Lynn49's Avatar
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    Hon, he doesn't have a hope in hell of getting your daughters, but I do worry about your and their safety. Could you move in with your Mom for a while, until this cools down? Does your 4-year old attend school? I'd certainly let the staff there know what's going on and that he is NOT allowed to pick her up under any circumstances whatsoever! Do you have a restraining order on him? If not, get one. He's a ruffian and a bully....no lawyer would listen to him and how will he pay for one, anyway?
    However, YOU should lawyer-up too, and get someone on your side of this fight.
    I've never been through anything like this before, but I know there are others on here who will give you good, solid advice.
    Run fast and far from this hooligan. He's not worth it.

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    Canadian Genius anisa's Avatar
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    ^^ what Lynn said
    hollyquaiscer and DaveP like this.


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    Canadian Genius anisa's Avatar
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    i have a feeling that if he was given the option to actually be a caregiver to the child, he'd look for every reason not to take it.

    i wouldn't take his text too seriously, he's just trying to scare you.

    judges WANT the parents to have equal parental rights, unless there is something very wrong with one of the parents. i have a feeling that a judge would not find you to be the lacking parent

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    Smart Canuck misstarbender's Avatar
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    thank you for your comments. no my older daughter is not in school yet (thank god they are both with me all day everyday)
    Im am definatly running fast and far from this POS...
    I know that your lawyer cannot serve as your character witness...and these men in his lodge have not known him for very long to be a character witness anyways...They will be his lawyer's for free though..while I am having to rely on legal aid.
    I also just noticed that he actually took his share of the rent money for June with a note saying Im not paying for you to live in this house next month....buddy...you DAUGHTER lives here too!!! Thank god for my family offering to help me pay my rent!!
    He is a very very bad person!

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    Canadian Guru DaveP's Avatar
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    What a f*ing loser! And many other words that would be censored here.

    You did the right thing, kicking him to the curb. Your children deserve better. Much, much better.

    You are the one who should go for full custody, and reduce it, I mean him, to supervised visits. Damn, I hate men like that.

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    Modern Martha janetta's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this!
    As mentioned above, definitely ask a family member or two to stay with you and get a restraining order asap.

    I'd probably take photos of everything.. his "stash" for example. If he trashes your house/daughter's room etc.
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    He won't get custody while on drugs. he won't get custody without a job. Sounds like he has a police record?
    If it ever goes to court. . which I seriously doubt. . . he will have to show he has an appropriate home with a bedrm of her own for your daughter. Your lawyer should insist on random drug tests due to his past (that would put a serious cramp in his lifestyle. hee hee) I bet that ALONE would scare him off.
    anisa, DiamondLil, Lynn49 and 7 others like this.

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    Smart Canuck misstarbender's Avatar
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    absolutley janetta!! that is something I didnt think of doing and I will right now(taking pics)
    DaveP thank you I was hoping a man would comment
    mortgagequeen, your right. I will not let him have contact with her if he is still on drugs. And I wonder if that can be a stipulation to his access?
    Jezebel and hollyquaiscer like this.

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    Sith Lady and Cool Kid Darth Penguin's Avatar
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    First off, major league {{{HUGS}}} to you and your daughters.

    Secondly, keep all copies of his texts and voice mails etc. Start to create a papertrail of his tactics.

    Thirdly, if you are worried about abduction, esp to another country, get passports for your daughters and ask about getting restictions on their travel documents.

    Here's a link about resources on parental abduction.


    Short answer : no Long answer : NOOOOOOOOOOO!

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    Sith Lady and Cool Kid Darth Penguin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by misstarbender View Post
    absolutley janetta!! that is something I didnt think of doing and I will right now(taking pics)
    DaveP thank you I was hoping a man would comment
    mortgagequeen, your right. I will not let him have contact with her if he is still on drugs. And I wonder if that can be a stipulation to his access?
    I believe you can ask for supervised access where he would only be able to see her in a CPS or lawyer's office.

    eta.. though I'm not sure if that is always granted. Asking for it shows your concerned about him abusing drugs round children and it's always worth doing.
    Last edited by Darth Penguin; Tue, May 22nd, 2012 at 11:28 PM. Reason: eta hit post button
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    Short answer : no Long answer : NOOOOOOOOOOO!

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    Smart Canuck flyingdutch's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. No one should ever make another person feel the way that this guy is making you feel. No one. Your children deserve better. And YOU certainly deserve better.

    I am happy to hear that you have family support right now. Lean on them when you need strength and don't be afraid to ask for help/company when you need it. They love and care about you (more than your ex-BF obviously) and want to be there for you. Let them. Also make sure you speak with your children that the reason you are acting the way you are (i.e. we're staying at grandmas for a little bit, we're going to not be seeing "daddy" for a little while, etc) as much as you can based on their age so they know that they have done nothing wrong to cause this recent change in their lives/schedules. Even saying something like "we're having a vacation/sleepover at grandma/grandpas/aunties/ etc" or "daddy's on a vacation' might be all it takes. Try to keep things as normal as you can (which I know will be very hard) for your sanity and your kids, messing up their schedule will make it hard/confusing for them and that'll add stress to you plate too.

    I'm going to also echo what was said above. Document- document- document. EVERYTHING. Also be able to recount or retell specific examples (times, dates, locations, other people around, etc) of times where he has been threatening to you or the kids or conducted himself in a way that would point to him being a bad caregiver or provider to the children and you. Make sure your friends (mutual or otherwise) are aware of his threats to take the kids, as well as the local authorities, so that people can watch your back and your children's back. And as KK7 said, tryto remain calm and detached when you are speaking with him or about him to your lawyer/legal council. You need to maintain a cool head and be the grownup since he obviously won't be. You don't want to give him ANYTHING that he might want to try to use against you, since you obviously haven't before now, and it will also make you feel more in control.

    Best wishes and hang in there. I know we don't know one another very well at all but you seem like a nice person and you deserve better. Do yourself a favor and stay strong in your decision. You really deserve better than this poor excuse of a "man" in your life!
    anisa, DiamondLil, Lynn49 and 4 others like this.

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    Smart Canuck misstarbender's Avatar
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    also, I just went and checked and yes, he did take the rent money for June. omg.

  15. #15
    Smart Canuck misstarbender's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flyingdutch View Post
    I'm so sorry that you're going through this. No one should ever make another person feel the way that this guy is making you feel. No one. Your children deserve better. And YOU certainly deserve better.

    I am happy to hear that you have family support right now. Lean on them when you need strength and don't be afraid to ask for help/company when you need it. They love and care about you (more than your ex-BF obviously) and want to be there for you. Let them. Also make sure you speak with your children that the reason you are acting the way you are (i.e. we're staying at grandmas for a little bit, we're going to not be seeing "daddy" for a little while, etc) as much as you can based on their age so they know that they have done nothing wrong to cause this recent change in their lives/schedules. Even saying something like "we're having a vacation/sleepover at grandma/grandpas/aunties/ etc" or "daddy's on a vacation' might be all it takes. Try to keep things as normal as you can (which I know will be very hard) for your sanity and your kids, messing up their schedule will make it hard/confusing for them and that'll add stress to you plate too.

    I'm going to also echo what was said above. Document- document- document. EVERYTHING. Also be able to recount or retell specific examples (times, dates, locations, other people around, etc) of times where he has been threatening to you or the kids or conducted himself in a way that would point to him being a bad caregiver or provider to the children and you. Make sure your friends (mutual or otherwise) are aware of his threats to take the kids, as well as the local authorities, so that people can watch your back and your children's back. And as KK7 said, tryto remain calm and detached when you are speaking with him or about him to your lawyer/legal council. You need to maintain a cool head and be the grownup since he obviously won't be. You don't want to give him ANYTHING that he might want to try to use against you, since you obviously haven't before now, and it will also make you feel more in control.

    Best wishes and hang in there. I know we don't know one another very well at all but you seem like a nice person and you deserve better. Do yourself a favor and stay strong in your decision. You really deserve better than this poor excuse of a "man" in your life!

    thank you so much for your comments.
    I do have some things from the past documented but not all. The police, victim services and the court counsellor all know of his threats to run with the baby. All I can do really is get a lawyer and hope for the best I think...

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