advice needed: how to deal with "fair weather" friends

[sarah_cio]

I have a friend who I feel hasn't given me the time of day lately and spends all her time with anyone she perceives as "the Jones". I am not all about that stuff and I feel like she used me until she found someone better. I have asked her about this and she denies it.

How do you get over the loss of a friendship?

[i_forget]

There are so many people out there like that now. I have had to deal with many of them over the years...some people I have known since I was a kid. It has made me put up a shield against people in general. I do not give as much of myself and make people earn my frienship and loyalty.
As for getting over them, I do not know what to suggest aside from going slow and moving on and making sure you do not let people take advantage of you.

[MortgageQueen]

It sounds like Loyalty is one of the number 1 qualities you want in a friend, so next time you'll know what to look for. Just keep in mind everyone has good and bad traits. The friend you talk about may have other good qualities that drew you to her. She may not be the one to be your "best" friend but she may well be still "friend material".
I say that because I have a few relatives like that. . . and while I'm not close to them I certainlysee a lot of excellent qualities in them just the same.
I also value loyalty highly and have that in my best friend. . .but I still have lots of "other" friends that I can just hang out with and enjoy their company.

[DaveP]

It doesn't sound like this person is someone worth getting upset over. I value true friends too, and find them slowly. Good things and good people are worth waiting for.

[Darth Penguin]

It's hard to just "get over a friendship" especially if it was a long standing one.

If you are the type who makes friends easily, then gently withdraw from her and move onto a group with whom you have more in common at this stage of your life.

If you don't make friends easily, and I don't, then it's harder. You still need to re-inforce boundaries with her while you look for other people to bond with.

At the end of the day, it's about you and your needs for a friend. Being with some-one who doesn't value you in the same way you value her is not the most equal of realtionships.

[Lynn49]

If it's any consolation, I've left many "friends" behind in my 62 years who haven't been exactly what I needed in a friend...and found some true friends along the way in most peculiar ways. If she's worth being with, then do just that, but without any expectations that she can't possibly meet. If she's that irritating, then dump her! Don't hurt your heart over it and stew in the situation....it's your call, Hon, and only you can know what's good for YOU.

[sarah_cio]

It is hard because I love my neighbourhood for so many reasons but the issue is that it can be very cliquey around mommy circles. I was hoping to avoid this stuff by moving to this neighbourhood. I just can't stand people who think that "stuff" define them and who use how much "stuff" they have to make them feel superior to others. I guess in the end I know what to value in life and it is not "stuff".

[glowworm2k]

Don't be afraid to look outside of your neighbourhood or outside of the "usual suspects" for friends; all of my best friends have qualities that I admire, but none of them are at the exact same life-stage as me and none of them live in my neighbourhood. I find that meeting friends has to do more with looking at someone's inner qualities, not the outside package. I don't get along with most people my own age (late 20s/early 30s) as I find them too interested in facebook, their iphones, and other material stuff. My two best friends are two lovely ladies - one who is the same age as my Dad and one who is about 10 years older than me. We don't get to see each other as often as I'd like as we do live in opposite ends of town, but c'est la vie.

As to the clique-y neighbourhood, I wouldn't necessarily recommend changing neighbourhoods as that's a big, big decision and you don't need to do it to find friends, but I found that moving to a lower income working-class neighbourhood from a very gentrified one (I now live in Vanier - it has a crap reputation but is an awesome place) has naturally surrounded me with people who are like minded: who don't necessarily have a lot of material things, but are friendly, engaging, and make great acquaintances. I wouldn't call them "true friends" but they are certainly folks with whom I can have a pleasant chat, visit, and ask for favours when needed. They don't necessarily have a lot in common with me, but they're just great people to talk to.