Am I being Childish?

[nainai0585]

Well, I'll try to sum this up as best as possible. Everyone in my family absolutely hates my brothers "baby mama" (he stated himself he can never have a relationship with her, but continues to create children with her - they're both in their early twenties) and he desperately needed at least 1 of his siblings to be nice to her. So, for the past 3 yrs I have been trying to be very nice to her, even though I can't stand her. 2 weeks ago baby mama and I had an all out fight, unfortunately about parenting style (I know, extremely stupid, but I won't go into details) and any ounce of respect I had for her completly went out the window that day (I've always disliked her parenting style and the way their 2 yr old completely steam rolls brother and baby mama [and attempts to do so in my home, which doesn't fly with me at all], but kept my mouth shut until now).

Fast forward to last week. Brother tells me I need to apologize to baby mama and that the arguement was all my fault and that even though baby mama is diagnosed (yes, diagnosed) with Bipolar disorder but chooses not to medicate herself, I am the one who is emotionally psychotic and need serious psychological help. FYI: In the past 5 yrs I have had 2 extensive psychological tests to see if I qualified to be a Surrogate Mother...both of which I past with flying colours and am now in my second trimester with my second surrogacy pregnancy. I informed my brother that, under no circumstanced, is baby mama or child (who causes a lot of stress within my home with my 2 children and makes me want to pull my hair out within 2 hrs of her arriving to my home b/c my brother would rather be playing video games and getting high - brother currently squats in my basement for free) allowed in my home. I was also no longer willing to drive my brother back and forth to baby mama's house, which is an hour away. Brother told me I was not allowed to talk about baby mama, even to my husband - I told him I would not talk about her to him, but he couldn't stop me from talking about her to my husband in the privacy of our own home. I also told him that if he didn't like the rules in my home, there's the front door.

Well, yesterday I drop brother off at the local train station so that he could take the train to see child and baby mama. My husband and I are FINALLY able to talk openly about issues within the home as well as with each other and ourselves, without worrying about eaves dropping from my brother and personal information getting out of the home. Husband informs me that brother believes I am being VERY childish with baby mama, that I NEED to apologize to her, and that I have serious psychologcal problems b/c I have no issues with cutting baby mama out of my life and not allowing her into my home. Husband said that he told brother he didn't really care what brother or baby mama thought and that I have always been a b**** (which at times, I do agree with) and that brother should not be surprised about my reaction to baby mama (who my husband has always hated and never understood why I was being nice to her). Husband also said that b/c I am respecting my brothers request to not talk about baby mama around him, then he needs to respect the fact that he doesn't want to hear about baby mama either or about how baby mama and brother are bad mouthing me.

So, am I being childish? I have no plans on being her friend and know that she'll never attend any family reunions or sibling get togethers b/c younger sister has banned baby mama from attending them (3 yrs ago, baby mama threatened to beat up sister b/c sister didn't like her. Sister was heavily pregnant at this time, and baby mama said she'd make sister miscarry by kicking her a**).

Thanks for reading

[ancarett]

You're not being childish. He's the childish one by the sounds of matters!

If your brother can't respect you and your family yet also want these kids in his life, he's going to need to make it happen all by himself by setting himself up as an adult who takes responsibility for his life and that of his kids.

[Natalka]

Oh, goodness... I think you don't need all the stress, and it's time for you to give your brother a month or two notice to find his own place - if he's man enough to be makin' babies, he had better grow up and go live on his own.
Find some way that you can live with - to make peace enough with him so you can still see the children, though - you don't want to lose contact with them.

I wish you luck -

[Eva-M]

You are not being childish instead you are being too nice. Your sister is smart
I would show the door to your brother; he is an "adult" and should get his stuff together and live in his own. If he can't afford it, too bad - why doesn't he live with baby mama?
I think I have said in another thread a few months ago "You hand out your hand for help and you get your arm pulled" and sometimes that's how it is.

[SavenRaven]

Oh... WOW!... yikes.... This sounds like a horrible situation and I don't think you are being childish at all. I would do the same, except, I would also be asking the Brother to move the hell out of my basement. He He.

On another note... A HUGE props to you for being so incredibly selfless and becoming a Surrogate. That is the most incredible gift you could give. Good for you!

[K8's Fate]

You're 100% in the right!

I would also be telling your brother to find a new place to "squat." Why do you need to be exposed to his drama, or drug smoking. He's old enough to find his own place. He can even move into his "baby momma's" place, since he feels the need to defend her erratic behaviour.

[i_love_to_save]

OMG i am sorry you are going thru this situation...It is hard!! i am going thru similar situation with brother's baby mama but not that bad ... i think you need to take all the negativity from your home, meaning your brother, he is old enough to realize he is hurting you and HIS baby... and in regards to baby mama, ignore her, take her out of your life, but try to keep your niece/nephews in touch with you at the end they are your family.

[Slaney]

Good for you for finally saying something! People like this take up 40% of Moose Jaw 50% is seniors so that leaves us with maybe a 5% population that can act like a normal human being.
People like this are the reason I don't hang out with my 2 closest friends from childhood & another newer but very close friend. Hell I really only have 2 friends. We've also cut off contact with my husband's brother & sister in law because she acts like this & his brother actually told DH that he had to choose between me & them! Thier drama was actually half of the reason I quit my last day job.
Just wait for the drama you will have to deal with when one of them starts dating someone else. I feel so bad for thier child.
On a side note- I thought surrogacy is illegal in Canada? I was looking into this years ago. Not that we can have a kid in this neighborhood...

[Travelnut]

In short you are not being childish at all.

Your brother is very childish! Squatting in your basement, playing video games & getting high!
Making more babbies!! Put a sock on it. Holy Hanna what a bum. Kick him out ASAP

As for the baby mama, do not have her in your home and do not goto her home.
If you must see her (maybe at your folks home) just be polite. Say "Hi, that is a nice deress"
and move on to some else. If you are just polite to her what can she say about you.

When other people in your family yack about her & your brother, just shrug you
sholders and say nothing. There is nothing anybody can do to fix this mess except
your brother.

Good luck, we all have a wacko in a family.

[K8's Fate]

On a side note- I thought surrogacy is illegal in Canada? I was looking into this years ago. Not that we can have a kid in this neighborhood...

Surrogacy is legal in Canada. Under the Assisted Human Reproduction Technology Act passed in 2004, a surrogate who carries a fetus for others may be reimbursed for expenses such as prenatal vitamins and costs of travelling to the doctor. She cannot receive any sort of wage for carrying the child.

[vibrantflame]

And I thought my family was messed up. No, you are not being childish or psychotic or anything else. Why should you even be expected to have anything to do with this woman....okay yes she is the mother of your brother's children, but they're not in a relationship, so why is it so important to him that you be nice to her. Also, I agree that if your brother has children, then he needs to get a place of his own and stop living in your basement for free. Sometimes the only way some people will show responsibility is by being forced into it. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this stress, especially while pregnant, I know how hard that can be.

[Slaney]

Yeah I read that one after reading many other websites that said it's illegal because people can't be paid for it ANd there was no websites to find a surrogate in Canada So basically someone you know would have to. Mind you this was about 4 years ago that I was looking into this.

[nainai0585]

Surrogacy is legal in Canada. Under the Assisted Human Reproduction Technology Act passed in 2004, a surrogate who carries a fetus for others may be reimbursed for expenses such as prenatal vitamins and costs of travelling to the doctor. She cannot receive any sort of wage for carrying the child.

110% correct.

[nainai0585]

Yeah I read that one after reading many other websites that said it's illegal because people can't be paid for it ANd there was no websites to find a surrogate in Canada So basically someone you know would have to. Mind you this was about 4 years ago that I was looking into this.

My first surro journey started 5 yrs ago and the little girl is now 4 yrs old. I went with a Canadian agency that deals specifically with surrogates and intended parents as I wanted to make sure all the T's where crossed and I's where dotted.

My husband agrees with all of you in kicking his lazy butt out, and my brother states that in October he'll be able to move b/c he'll finally be able to get all of his high school credits and graduate.....I'm VERY unsure whether he'll be able to last that long here as he already doesn't like that I don't allow baby mama to be here.
As far as seeing my neice, baby mama has made it quite clear that I am not allowed around her, and if I wanted to be apart of her life, I needed to apologize (and basically lick baby mama's boots) and am only allowed to see neice at her home. Baby mama has absolutely no issues using her daughter as a pawn with my brother, but my brother chooses not to admit to, but I am not so blind and will not be sucked in by her.
My husband made a comment to me about how my brother told him that he thought baby mama was better then me, that she had her poop together (she's a high school drop out living on welfare), and that she was a better parent then I was. My husband said he laughed so hard tears came to his eyes and responded with, R (me) has graduated from college with a degree, she takes VERY good care of my children (they are respectful for their ages and well behaved 90% of the time - they're 6 and 1.5) and I'm never concerned about their well being when they're with her, and she's currently allowing you to stay with us. My brother went quite after that and changed the subject rather quickly. I love that man!!!

Thank-you everyone for your replies....it helps to know that my husband isn't the only one who thinks I am not being childish.

[Priceisright]

You're 100% in the right!

I would also be telling your brother to find a new place to "squat." Why do you need to be exposed to his drama, or drug smoking. He's old enough to find his own place. He can even move into his "baby momma's" place, since he feels the need to defend her erratic behaviour.

Took the words right out of my mouth

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