My mom won't help me

[list465]

she and I hang out all the time, shopping and having coffee.

I'm really glad that you and your mom seemed to have worked everything out..is it possible that she is feeling really stressed by the whole situation? If you guys hang out all the time, she may already feel that she sees your daughter quite a bit and is making up for it by helping out your youngest brother once a week.

Anyway, best of luck to you and your family..you've received some good advice.

[KrazE]

Have to agree with you Darth! Talk about an all time low. KrazE, I'm so happy to hear that the judge ripped your ex an new a$$hole. He is one. What kind of a man (and I use that term very very loosley here, in fact man may not even fit) would do something like that to his children.

It actually got a lot worse then that later on, but that's a whole other very long very shocking kind of story.

[hollyquaiscer]

It actually got a lot worse then that later on, but that's a whole other very long very shocking kind of story.

It always amazes me at how some men can be so indifferent to their childrens needs. they feel good about attacking their ex spouse, it makes them ... I'm not sure what. Guess they think they look good in the eyes of their buddies. The children are the true loosers. I'm so glad you were strong enough to get out of a relationship with such a devious person.

[momof5boys]

I would just let it go....having children is our responsibility and not our parents. It does appear that your mom is stressed out and needs time for herself. My Mom made it very clear before we started having children that she would babysit for emergencies (sickness)....and she has done this always willingly....but she would never babysit if I would go back to work.

I'm at that age now, too, that grandkids could start coming and I know that I would not want to commit myself to long term babysitting either. The energy just isn't there anymore and I need time for myself finally....

[i_forget]

I would just let it go....having children is our responsibility and not our parents. It does appear that your mom is stressed out and needs time for herself. My Mom made it very clear before we started having children that she would babysit for emergencies (sickness)....and she has done this always willingly....but she would never babysit if I would go back to work.

I'm at that age now, too, that grandkids could start coming and I know that I would not want to commit myself to long term babysitting either. The energy just isn't there anymore and I need time for myself finally....

This is good. The rules were set out ahead of time, which is important.

My goal as a mother is to make sure that I have three adult children who are independent individuals that can take care of themselves, I will be there for emergencies and stuff, but that is it.

[RebeccaRYoung]

This is good. The rules were set out ahead of time, which is important.

My goal as a mother is to make sure that I have three adult children who are independent individuals that can take care of themselves, I will be there for emergencies and stuff, but that is it.

It's really important to have expectations laid out beforehand. As I'll be living in a different country than my parents and in-laws I know that babysitting could be a bit tricky. I've already decided to put up ads at local teacher's colleges to find babysitters since I know those people will be well qualified and have criminal record checks. They might even be more invested in it because I can give a good reference when looking for the career.

[screamy]

It's interesting to me how different peoples' perspectives are on this. As I've posted elsewhere previously, I made it clear to my sister and BIL that I would make myself available any time they needed me to watch my niece....probably more than they'd even want me to, heh...

It never occurred to me that they might try to "take advantage" of my offer (like the SIL who wouldn't change her work schedule, above).

Over the three years since my niece was born, I think there might have been five or six requests to pick her up from daycare when they both had to work late (pre-planned in advance, with offers to pay my cab fare to and from their place, and for whatever I wanted for dinner, all of which I quietly "forgot" to remind them about...I can take a bus and would have to eat anyway!!), and a single "drop everything and jump in a cab" request when she was a newborn (they were both beyond exhausted and were dropping from new-parent-fatigue and had the foresight to know they couldn't do much more without losing it).

I go over every Saturday evening for three or four hours, too. They seem to think it's to help them, but really it's because I am addicted to my niece's snuggles. They will have a hard time dealing with me when they decide they want an actual babysitter instead; I can't get enough of this kid. She's the reason I continue to get up in the morning, there's no way I would ever miss a chance to see her unless I was sick with something contagious.

I know it must be a huge deal to them to be able to leave her with someone who loves her to the point of stupidity and would tear anyone who so much as looked at her wrong to shreds. As far as I'm concerned, it's an honour to be entrusted with her care: she can't be replaced, and they pay me the biggest compliment anyone ever could every time they go out to dinner and leave her with me. I'm not sure who is doing whom a favour.

[erin9mmm]

Screamy, that was a very nice post, your sister is very lucky to have you. Not just because you are available but because you enjoy it too.
I think most grandmothers would feel the same way you do but throw in another couple grandchildren and then it can become hard to split your time, be fair and have time for yourself too.

[kris32]

Awww, such a shame when grandparents don't want to babysit. JMO but i don't think grandparents need all that much energy to babysit because they seem to be a lot more laid back then i am,lol. Grandparents usually let kids do almost anything they want seems like and eat almost anything they want, it's sorta their job/right! Then again i am not at that age so who am i to judge!

I know it's not always expected except maybe in certain situations but have you tried offering her money?

It does just sound like a little jealousy and a bad day like everyone is saying.

[csaund21]

My mother chooses not to be a big part of my kids lives. I can't wait till I'm a grandma so I can be everything she isn't...

[Ciel]

I sense that OP's brother is a momma's boy and he's using mother as handy babysitter without considering mom's needs--I know some of the SCers have caring spouses/partners that talk out needs but some of us likely know that some men are socially self-absorbed clods that don't invest in social relationships and take,take,take so much from parents/in-laws that their siblings are red in the face. I also sense that the brother and his wife did not really plan their childcare needs once it was deduced that OP's mother would fit into their care plans.

Funny how OP's mother rants at OP about the brother's child sitting yet it seems she is "mum" to her son about the matter. Drama llama--steer clear of that situation and make nice with neighbourhood or local "wise people" who might like to step in occasionally to provide childcare for extra income. If those wise people happen to like baking or crafting and wish to share some child-appropriate teaching moments in those crafts, well a good time for adult and child can be had during those childcare dates.

OP's mom as the eldest might have had to be the substitute mom at home during her youth and now her grandson's care is dredging up the negatives about being the minder. Perhaps OP's contact with mom will have to be planned visits with OP and family that is an outing or something mom might like to do for a short time.

[screamy]

Screamy, that was a very nice post, your sister is very lucky to have you. Not just because you are available but because you enjoy it too.
I think most grandmothers would feel the same way you do but throw in another couple grandchildren and then it can become hard to split your time, be fair and have time for yourself too.

Awww, thanks! I always tell them they're just lucky I leave her there when I go home.

But you're absolutely right: I'm sure the fact that there's only one of her, as well as their not taking advantage/"expecting" me to help (in a negative way - "get your @ss over here", not "we know you're there for us if we need you"), is HUGE. I have a pretty stressful job and without my weekly niece visit I'd go nuts. I call her "my dose of Baby Prozac". Heh.

I wish everyone had a nearby relative like that. 24/7 child care, even when they are the absolute best things in your life, can be exhausting. Moms and dads need to be able to go out and have fun, or just go out and not have "Mommommommoooommmmm!!!" for a few hours and not worry about their kids. It's good for everyone concerned.

[MillieH]

It sounds as though your mom can't handle the babysitting of any of the kids. Your brother seems to ignore what she is feeling and leaves the kids anyways. If she is near retiring, she is worn out, just trying to make it through the days. Then she has to watch kids who have boundless energy when she just wants to try to recover from her week and prepare for the next.

On the day she didn't want to pick your child up from daycare but would do the whole day instead. I would wonder why she felt uncomfortable driving. Would she have a bunch of kids in the car? is her car unsafe? is she having problems driving? can she afford the gas? how would she handle your brothers kids while picking up yours? If your mom is overwhelmed adding another child to the mix could be enough to push her over the edge. It may not be safe for her or any of the kids.

By retirement age, many people are feeling stressed and over done.

My sister had her kids late in life and when my mom comes to visit, she goes to her first. When she comes here she sleeps for the first 3 days and she looks so awful, tired, sickly. After a week or so she gets back to her usual self. I am scared though when she goes again because when my sister goes off to work, my mom gets to stay home with the kids, what if she has a heart attack or a diabetic coma.. or any other health issues. What happens to the 2 kids. .. etc etc

What I hear from your post though is not really the baby sitting issue but that she 'appears' to favor him over you. I don't think she does. I think she would enjoy helping you once every few months if she didn't have to help your brother all the time. You are HEARING her.. your brother isn't or is chosing not to.. she isn't helping your brother because she wants to, she makes the same kind of remarks to him , he just ignores it.

Your mother is at a place in her life where she needs to, at the least, just take care of herself and hopefully have others do for her.

[jayne_a]

My mom wont watch my son, but she will take my sister's and brother's kids for weekends, sleepovers outings etc. She's even taking them to the fair. Never once has she taken my son to the fair. She actually rarely sees him. It is because I'm not one of her favorites. My mother would bend over backwards to help out one of my siblings, but not me. She once promised to babysit, i called to let her know that I was on my way to drop off DS, and mom said she could not watch him anymore b/c my sister wanted a "date night" with her bf and she was gonna be watching her kids. I needed a babysitter b/c i was going to a funeral. I ended up missing the funeral b/c i wasn't taking a 3 year old. My son doesn't have much of a relationship with any of his grand parents. I don't ask them for anything. I figure they can explain why they wont see him but will see everyone else. It's sad that he is missing out b/c of me, but there's nothing i can do about it.

[Poirot]

My mom wont watch my son, but she will take my sister's and brother's kids for weekends, sleepovers outings etc. She's even taking them to the fair. Never once has she taken my son to the fair. She actually rarely sees him. It is because I'm not one of her favorites. My mother would bend over backwards to help out one of my siblings, but not me. She once promised to babysit, i called to let her know that I was on my way to drop off DS, and mom said she could not watch him anymore b/c my sister wanted a "date night" with her bf and she was gonna be watching her kids. I needed a babysitter b/c i was going to a funeral. I ended up missing the funeral b/c i wasn't taking a 3 year old. My son doesn't have much of a relationship with any of his grand parents. I don't ask them for anything. I figure they can explain why they wont see him but will see everyone else. It's sad that he is missing out b/c of me, but there's nothing i can do about it.

It's not you it's them.