Spoiled child driving me nuts - help!

[rainbowsnbucks]

I moved in with my boyfriend in June. He has a 5-year old child who is with us each weekend (the parents have been apart since he was 18months). Because the boy is only with us on weekends, his father feels the need to be the boy's friend over being his father - meaning the child has no bed time, has unlimited access to the candy in the house (his father and I are both candy-holics, so there is plenty), gets what he asks for in most instances - even if he is incredibly rude and demanding about it, and rarely has the word "no" actually mean no.

I've known the child for just over a year, and in this time his behaviour has become more and more difficult for me to deal with. He throws tantrums daily that consist of shouting, throwing things, hitting and kicking, and stomping loudly. If he does not get what he wants down to the detail, these tantrums occur to no consequence to him. In fact, they usually result in him getting what it was he wanted that prompted the tantrum.

I seem to be the only person in this child's life who calls him on his actions (though has no power to actually do anything), and because of this the child obviously dislikes me. He will ignore me, or be just plain rude or defiant towards me. I have tried in many ways to build a bond with him, but he does not want to play games with me, he does not thank me for gifts... basically I feel like giving up. I work 5 days a week in a town 2 hours away, and so weekends are my only real time to relax... and they are filled with a spoiled child running the house and throwing tantrums, waking me up at ridiculous times in the morning screaming for his father, and getting everything he wants.

I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about the ways his actions impact the child's behaviour, but it is a touchy subject that we don't seem to be able to communicate about. I am constantly reminded that I am not the parent and that "he's only 5!". I'm about to lose it, and I need help. I need to know how to communicate to my boyfriend about his parenting, I need to know what changes I can influence in the child's behaviour, I need to know that I am not going to feel walked all over by a child for as long as I remain in this relationship.

And example of a tantrum from this weekend:

After not finishing his dinner, the child wanted to play hockey in the livingroom with his dad. Dad cleared away the laptop and moved the coffee table while child brought out his hockey equipment. Child announced that he wanted to be on "the other" side of the room this time, the room that holds the television, dvd player, record player, and a bunch of breakable things. Dad said "not this time, Buddy", gently asking him to take his usual side. The child began shouting, "you're not my friend! I don't like you! I don't want to play with you!", threw his hockey equipment hard against the floor, picked it up and threw it again, all while screaming and crying. I asked that he please put away his toys if he wasn't going to be using them. He gave me a death glare and stomped loudly to the kitchen, dragged a chair up to the candy cupboard, and started going through the candy. I was angry, so I followed him and said, "you didn't finish your dinner, you threw your toys around and won't put them away, what makes you think you should get any candy?" He ignored me. I asked, "Please come down from there." He shouted in my face, "no!" He's not my child, I'm not going to touch him to lift him down. I asked again, "can you please come down from there. To which he replied again, "NO!" I tried to shut the cupboard door, but he forced it open nearly hitting me in the face. I made a deal with him (that I regret) and told him that if he put away his toys he could have some candy. He got down, stomped over to his toys, threw them in his room, and stomped back over to the cupboard. I told him to tell me what he'd like and I'd get it, but he pushed me aside and grabbed something on his own. He then walked over to his dad, and with sad eyes asked, "can you open this?" His dad, trying "the no thing", said, "No." The child threw the candy on the ground and started screaming and wailing and then went to his room.

How I would have handled this: picked up the candy, put it back in the cupboard, and put a lock on the cupboard door. Let him cry in his room until he was done.

How his dad handled it: picked up the candy, brought it to his son and unwrapped it for him, sat with his son until the crying was done (temporarily... he was crying about something else within the hour), and then played lego with him.

HELP!

[francine1985]

i hate to say it but unfortunately there is nothing you can do. his father has to be the one to take charge of his son and decide whats best for him. his father doesn't seem to want to change the situation and you cant do anything about it...

the only thing you can control is if you stay in the relationship or not.

[KellyCanuck]

The short answer is that yes, your only control is really whether or not you stay in the relationship, however, I would be interested to know whether or not you have talked to your boyfriend about just how much this situation is affecting your daily life. Ultimately your bf sets the tone for parenting and if he is unwilling to change his behaviours it can't be expected that a 5 year old will change his.

From what you've posted it sounds like the temper tantrums are almost daily, and that they are always rewarded by the child getting what he wants. If that is the case the situation is working perfectly for the child. He has learned that temper tantrum = positive outcome (for him at least). It is completely unfair to expect a change in behavior from this child without his father making some big changes to his.

Often times parents who are no longer together feel a lot of guilt because they weren't able to stay with the other parent and feel like they have already let their child down by providing a "broken" home. This can result in over-compensation by one or both parents. The child is given no boundaries, spoiled etc. It all comes from good intentions, but ultimately it is doing nothing for the child. When the child starts going to school full-time he will learn very quickly that temper tantrums do not provide the same outcome, and in a way he is being set up for failure. Children need fair but firm boundaries in order to develop in a socially healthy manner.

My suggestion would be to put some time aside for you and your partner (ideally when the child is not with you) and let him know how frustrating it is for you to be in this situation. Try to be understanding of his position, and let him know that you are willing to work together to make things work for all three of you, but that you cannot continue to live in a situation that is stressful, especially when it is negitively impacting the only down time you have on the weekends. You have to be clear that although you love your bf and do not want to leave you feel that you are being left with little choice. If he understands and tells you that he wants to make it work for all three of you be patient with him, and recognize that he will not be able to change his behaviours overnight just like it will take time for his son to adjust to more firm boundaries. You should also be prepared for your bf to tell you that he is happy with his parenting and that he is not going to make any changes. At that point the choice is yours as to whether you stay or go.

Most importantly though, try not to resent the child. He is the only one in this situation that has not been given a choice, he is simply doing what children do and taking his behavioural cues from the parent figures in his life. Ultimately, you made the choice to get into a relationship with a guy with a child from a previous relationship. It's not an easy situation to walk into, but if everyone works together it can work out. Good luck!

[i_forget]

I am not an expert in child behaviours, but I do have a lot of experience with it.

I can tell you right now that they are on a bad path, and that unless the parents change how they parent, it will not get any better.

If you bf is not able communicate with you about it, then you have an issue.

I personally would tell him that the way the child is being parented is causing a strain in the relationship, and that you think you all should take a parenting course so that he can learn to manage his child's behaviours, and suggest the mother do it with you.

If he refuses, and it was me, that would be the end of it. If he is not willing to change or listen, then you are fighting a losing battle....and can you imagine what it will be like if you have children of your own with him?

Good luck.

[rachel1496]

Honestly, I'd start to really consider how much you're willing to put up with in this relationship. If this doesn't change are you willing to spend a large portion of your life living with this kind of stress? You can't step in and be the parent here and you shouldn't be expected to, that's your boyfriend's job.

[rainbowsnbucks]

Thank you all for your responses. I suppose this has helped in confirming what I already knew, but wasn't quite ready to admit: I am only willing to handle so much of this. If the situation does not change, I need to change my own situation. If the situation is to change, my boyfriend is the only person who can make it happen.

This is a very difficult conclusion, as this is the best relationship I have ever experienced. I am willing to do whatever I can to hold on to what I've got, but I cannot sacrifice my sanity. I will try talk to my boyfriend once again about my concerns. I will let him know what impact his parenting style is having on my mental health. Knowing that things won't and can't turn around over night, I will set a deadline - 6 months. I will keep a weekend journal so that my memories don't distort the reality of events. If there is no noticeable change in how the outbursts are responded to over 6 months, or if my boyfriend is not open to the idea of making changes, I will have to leave.

Now that it is written, I will have to stick by it. As far as when I will re-address these issues with him, well, being the hopeful/nervous/procrastinator I am, I will wait until after the next temper tantrum. Essentially, next weekend.

Thanks again, everyone.

[frugal50]

Sounds like you're envious of his relationship with his dad
he is only a 5 years old child
you should try to be his friend, not his disiplanary figure
as for the candy, get rid of it
all that sugar sounds disgusting.

[francine1985]

Good luck. I hope things work out for you. If things do improve keep in mind it is still normal to have the occasional tantrum but nothing as constant and severe as what you described. So you can't expect him to turn into a perfect angel all the time. And when he is well behaved there may still be resentment between you and the kid.

[francine1985]

I also want to add that with the exception of giving him the candy your boyfriend did the right thing by sitting with and talking to his son. He is only 5 and should not just be ignored till he calms down.

If he's a good man then his son will always come first and that means he gets priority time and attention on his weekends with dad.

[icangarden]

Sounds like this little boy needs some alone time with his dad.

[rachel1496]

I have to disagree. If my son was screaming, yelling, throwing his things, blatantly not listening to you AND shoving you he'd find his little butt in his room so fast his head would spin. There would be no candy and the hockey gear would be put away until he earned it back. I would not sit there and play audience to his dramatics, he would be informed that when he was ready to act like a civilized human being and apologize for his behaviour he could join us. Yes he is 5 but even 5 year olds know that is unacceptable.

[elizabeths22]

I have to disagree. If my son was screaming, yelling, throwing his things, blatantly not listening to you AND shoving you he'd find his little butt in his room so fast his head would spin. There would be no candy and the hockey gear would be put away until he earned it back. I would not sit there and play audience to his dramatics, he would be informed that when he was ready to act like a civilized human being and apologize for his behaviour he could join us. Yes he is 5 but even 5 year olds know that is unacceptable.

I tend to agree in not feeding into his negative behavior with providing attention. The child will realize if he wants attention he just has to be misbehave to get it.

I used to take my DD to this parents link program in my area and I learned some amazing things. How if you child is doing good give positive praise. Most people only say something when their child is misbehaving but it is important to let them know when they are doing right and make them feel really good about it so they well want to do it. Also I learned about not saying "don't or can't" to instead offer three things they can do. For example instead of saying "don't hit" say "our hands are clapping, giving high fives and hugging". They said children are more likely to respond positively if you offer something else they can do without flat out saying it is wrong or they can't do it.

[francine1985]

keep in mind that this kid only sees his dad 2 days a week. this is a hard adjustment and a break in his routine schedule. while his dad has to set boundaries and discipline he also has to try to build a bond in a short period of time.

the kids behavior is not acceptable at all but ignoring him on a regular basis is going tomake him not want to see his dad at all. there in no reason the father shoulndt sit with his son and talk to him about what he did wrong and why its not acceptable.

when my son misbehaves he gets time out for a few minutes (3 minutes set on a timer) in the room by himself then i talk to him. i would not leave him alone for a long time to cry. (although my son is only 3 1/2 and his tantrums are nowhere near that bad)

[glowworm2k]

I feel like I'm going in a bit over my head with this, seeing as I'm not a parent yet. But I do know that the behaviour you're witnessing isn't normal for a 5-year-old unless they're stressed, emotionally upset, etc. I think what may actually be needed here are a few things

a) a bit of counselling for Dad, Mom and Son together as I would bet there are some big underlying issues behind Dad's permissiveness and unwillingness to say no. My Dad was very permissive after my parents' separation out of guilt and seeing as I was a teenager this was definitely not good. What it ended up in was no consequences whatsoever from either parent (as Mom didn't want to look like the heavy) and me out partying until 3 or 6 in the morning a lot of nights.

b) a sit-down with you, Dad and Mom to talk about establishing ONE SET OF RULES for him in both homes. It sounds to me like the little guy needs a lot more consistency in his life, and this needs to happen 7 days a week. Yes, there will likely be certain small differences between the two sets of rules just based on the environment (e.g., what chores he is expected to do might change or he might be allowed to stay up 30 minutes later on weekends or something of the sort). The rules should be posted in both houses and reviewed by EVERYONE together at least once each weekend.

c) Things like the candy cupboard aren't helping and seem to be a bit like the box of matches that starts the fire. Why not minimize the candy/treats that are available in the house so that there's just one item for each of you for each weekend - it doesn't need to be a total ban, just some reasonable moderation. This could mean putting the rest in a place where it's inaccessible to all of you or just only purchasing a bit of candy for a special treat.

All of this stuff takes time and patience. It's up to you whether or not you would be willing to stick around for all of that, especially when there's no guarantee of success. Things also could be awkward between you and his Mom, but parenting happens for better or for worse and regardless about how all the adults in a child's life feel about each other. Please think about having a sit-down with both the boy's Mom and Dad to see if you can't all work to make sure he is not shortchanged of growing up a normal, well-adjusted and well-behaved child.

[rachel1496]

when my son misbehaves he gets time out for a few minutes (3 minutes set on a timer) in the room by himself then i talk to him. i would not leave him alone for a long time to cry. (although my son is only 3 1/2 and his tantrums are nowhere near that bad)

At that age I wouldn't have either but at almost 5 now he understands that it's ok to be angry but the rest of us don't have to listen to him scream so he can do that in his room until he's ready to talk about it. Sometimes that takes 45 seconds, sometimes 5 minutes but there's really no point in trying to discuss it with him when he's that angry. We haven't had a tantrum that involved throwing things in a long time but that was an automatic loss of the item and that's true for my 2 year old too.

I have to agree with you though that whatever's going on here is not regular small kid tantrums or just a kid that's spoiled. Something else is up. OP, what is the relationship like between his parents?

What really concerns me here is a) how disrespectful he is of you and b) the fact that your boyfriend doesn't seem to be doing anything to correct that. You two don't have to be best friends, he doesn't even have to like you that much, but you are an adult, his father's partner and it's your house too and he has to respect that. It's non-negotiable, IMO.