Nieces and Nephews...And Their Parents!

[Kelly5]

My grandmother used to tell a story about a friend she had, back when her children were young. She'd arrive at my grandmother's house for a visit, and her children would be let loose to jump on the furniture, break things, and leave fingerprints all over the mirrors and windows. My grandmother later heard that the woman had been bragging to others in the neighbourhood about how her children always made a mess of my grandmother's clean house and nice belongings. She was jealous of what my grandmother had, so she took satisfaction in her children wrecking things. My grandmother ended the friendship after that.

It's so sad that a friendship ended over such ridiculous behaviour. I guess with friends like that who needs enemies. I don't understand that type of thinking. Why not just look after your kids and be responsible. It seems to me that by allowing your children to make a mess that you're teaching them to be awful in social situations.

[momof5boys]

Discipline in general is seriously lacking these days. Some parents think whatever their babies/toddlers do is 'cute' and let them run wild....these 'cute' kids get older and behaviour becomes a serious problem. And I seriously am bugged by parents who will say, 'OK, I'm going to count to five....' No means NO and if a child doesn't get it first try, then deal with it and quit counting.....

[SassyAshley]

I am sorry but I have to say this (I know it is not true for all but and I am sorry I am not trying to offend anyone) but I think everyone including the child know nothing is going to happen when mom get to 3 or 5 or 10 or whatever number she chooses.

When I was little if I acted the way I see a lot of children acting my a** would be in the car probably never hitting the ground the whole way there and would only hit ground when we get home when I was put in my room. Did not matter where we were a mall, a grocery store, someone else's house I had to act and behave properly. This whole they are kids you have to let them be kids is crap, you can be a kid and still behave. I was a spoiled child, I will admit it (when I was really little we lived with my grandparents and I will admit alot of times Ashley could do no wrong or so people said) but with that being said I had respect, I never broke things, I never ran wild in a grocery store, and was constantly taken to my grandparents friend's house with them and knew I had to behave why because no matter how times I heard "leave Ashley alone she isn't doing anything wrong" I knew some things were wrong. I had manners and knew there were rules.

Again I will say it, parents need to be parents if you are going somewhere and don't want to watch your children don't take them or take a babysitter with you. As a teenager babysitting there were many cases I was taken somewhere with the parents as there intent was to not to have to watch their children but they would pay someone to come along and watch them or even within my own family being the oldest I was asked to go along to watch some of my younger family members even go on shopping trips.

Discipline in general is seriously lacking these days. Some parents think whatever their babies/toddlers do is 'cute' and let them run wild....these 'cute' kids get older and behaviour becomes a serious problem. And I seriously am bugged by parents who will say, 'OK, I'm going to count to five....' No means NO and if a child doesn't get it first try, then deal with it and quit counting.....

[amommy]

I've got a 2 year old and when we go visit family I let my little one help choose what items to pack into our visting bag. She likes to take the bag from me and runs around showing me and asking if specific toys are okay to bring. Sometimes things are too big or too loud and I let her know those toys are too big or too loud and she puts it down for something else. Its like a game to her and plus since she picked out the toys/books she would be more interested in playing with them. We also limit how many things she can bring.

When we are at their house me and my husband take turns keeping an eye on our DD. (keeping an eye meaning watching what room she went in, where in the house she decided to sit and play, or preventing/stopping behaviour that is not allowed. etc.) When one needs a break the other takes over and so each gets a turn at having some full on adult time. There are no other little kids in our family (the only other child in our family is 17 years old) so when we visit family its hard for her to play on her own the whole time we are visiting. She has moments when she will sit and colour and do her own thing but she likes to be apart of the family and join in. I would never expect someone else to take care of her when I go visit she is our responisblity and ours alone, however I expect others to help keep her safe as we are the adults. So if you know we are visiting maybe its best that you don't leave out your favourite glass vase in a childs reach as kids are fast no matter how much you watch them, but I wouldn't dictate to you how you should present your house, just know its a possiblity it may get broken. I guess we are "helocopter" parents (as I've seen posted in a few forums) at the moment but sorry if I don't want her to go up the stairs with no one watching just to hear her fall down them. As stated before there are no other kids in our family her age so I'm not going to set her up in a room all alone to play ... how lonely is that? When we have gone to birthday parties we have left her to do her own thing but keeping an eye on her from a distance to ensure she is playing nice with other kids etc. otherwise we let her be.

I actually find when we are out in public, visting or have vistors she is on her best behaviour, saying her please and thank yous not screaming.... too loud haha .... it's once the visit is over that she sometimes gets to be a handful. I usually chalk it up to having a long day sorta thing.

[c_mcarthur]

this is a very interesting thread and ive read through quite a few of the posts.
heres my input

I have LOTS of nieces and nephews.
my dbf's step sister has 3 boys, his other step sister has 2 girls and 1 boy
my sister has 1 girl, 1 boy and 1 on the way!
Whenever I go to my sisters place it's pretty much know that i'll be watching/playing with the 18 month old girl.
the boy is 11 so he does his own thing mainly, but a toddler is a handful for sure.
does it bother me that they joke saying, oh your in charge, get ready! ? not really, i love her to pieces!
and in all honesty it's really taught me alot about children, since I'm SO NOT ready to be a parent yet lol.

as for my bfs family, we play with the younger kids whenever we see them which isnt very often since they live further away.
i'm sure I would feel different if family were just dropping all their kids on me assuming i'll be babysitting at family events lol.

[Ciel]

@minou-Sad to read of your grandmother's experience with her former friend; at least grandmother found out reason and protected her home as a result. Bet you that the person is having her parenting style coming back at her with her own children and grandchildren!

[Ciel]

Something I noticed when my cousins started having kids: their kids were pretty much indulged and it did not help that the grandparents encouraged the tots to have to kiss or hug their peer cousins as little toddlers. It grew into a problem with two same age tots when they got into teen years that my mother chastised the female teen (17) who kept bothering her male cousin at a birthday party. That same teen acknowledged her behaviour to my mother, yet the teen's own mother was in the room (guess she was stunned that elder relative called the situation).

However, the same grandparents had held their own kids (my cousins) to be polite, respectful,etc. Yet that knowledge missed the next generation. Try seeing who will rise up from a chair nowadays when an older relation walks in during a visit...

I'll admit to having meltdowns as a youth during boring as anything visits to people (adults) I only saw once, yet my father had to talk about the old days in a country he grew up in and there was little to nothing to do (even if there were a couple of other kids, they knew the hosts). Those visits were hours long and even Mom could not get her spouse to realize it was time to go home. Then as a 14yr old, I declined to participate in such encounters because respect for adults has to include respect for kids' limitations. Felt so sorry for Mom when I became an adult and realized how much she had to put up with, even though she loved and still loves kids. She gave up so much free time to raise her kids and other kids. Guess that's why I don't like being near babies but toddlers at least can respond to queries.

[Kelly5]

When we are at their house me and my husband take turns keeping an eye on our DD. (keeping an eye meaning watching what room she went in, where in the house she decided to sit and play, or preventing/stopping behaviour that is not allowed. etc.) When one needs a So if you know we are visiting maybe its best that you don't leave out your favourite glass vase in a childs reach as kids are fast no matter how much you watch them, but I wouldn't dictate to you how you should present your house, just know its a possiblity it may get broken.

I don't necessarily agree with this comment. When I invite people to my home I shouldn't have to redecorate before you come over. I don't have children and I do have breakable things around my home. My house is definitely not child-friendly. When friends and family bring their children with them they know this. It isn't the first time they've visited my home. They know to bring toys and games for their child. They should also know that my home shouldn't be dictated by you. I suppose I could choose to no longer invite you to my home, which I have done. I instead choose to trust that you can take care of your children and operate on the 'you break it, you bought it' scenario. I don't necessarily want to lose friends over material goods, but when you enter my home you should act with respect and caring over the items in my home. My concession is that I only serve children 'clear drinks' like Sprite, white grape juice and water. This way if they spill, then they don't make a huge mess.

[bargain_hunter_lola]

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, the last post just popped up on my ipod and I wanted to weigh in with my experience.

My husband's father and his fiancee has a house that is honestly full of collectibles/breakables. I feel on edge myself, let alone my 4 year old and 18 month old. I watch my kids when visiting, I'm never more than 3 feet from them, in fact a few family members have given me the whole "leave them alone and let them be kids" speech (which I hate but that's another matter). Even being so close, it's so hard to watch them close enough that they dont touch or grab something. Kids are quick!

I've started limiting the amount of time there just because it's too stressful. I'm on edge at all times because she has the 'you break it, you bought it' attitude. It feels like I'm purposely being set up for failure (obviously I'm not) but if they wont put away their breakables that are within kids reach, I feel like they shouldn't be surprised if an accident happens. Accidents DO happen. I'm thankful FIL has said on numerous occasions that his fiancee will learn to put away her things when something gets broken but I dont want to be the ones responsible. My kids were the first in the family and they now have 3 younger cousins (all under 8 months) so I hope that they will make their house more child friendly in the years to come. I dont mean baby proof but just dont sit designer rocks on your $1000 glass coffee table. Of course my 18 month old is going to want to smash it! That's what kids do! It would take 2 mintues to put the rocks up until they leave or even let me do it, but refusing to move them means that if I turn my head for even a split second -- well your coffee table may be smashed into bits. Doesn't make parents want to come over, does it?

Dont get me wrong, I do see both sides of the argument. I wouldn't want to limit my decoration choices because of occasional visitors but at the same time, just dont be surprised or hurt when people stop coming over.

When I read/hear rants from non parents -- not necessarily this one (I have a lot of friends/family members without kids), I'm often reminded of the saying "I was a perfect parent until I became one". I know it's true for me for sure! A lot of the things that annoyed me before kids makes sense now! lol

[cmartin21]

Man, i wish my neice issue was only about babysitting. She ran away from home last month and now I am in the process of attaining guardianship for my 14yr old, attitude and problem riddled neice. Good luck to me LOL

[Kalmel]

I don't necessarily agree with this comment. When I invite people to my home I shouldn't have to redecorate before you come over. I don't have children and I do have breakable things around my home. My house is definitely not child-friendly. When friends and family bring their children with them they know this. It isn't the first time they've visited my home. They know to bring toys and games for their child. They should also know that my home shouldn't be dictated by you. I suppose I could choose to no longer invite you to my home, which I have done. I instead choose to trust that you can take care of your children and operate on the 'you break it, you bought it' scenario. I don't necessarily want to lose friends over material goods, but when you enter my home you should act with respect and caring over the items in my home. My concession is that I only serve children 'clear drinks' like Sprite, white grape juice and water. This way if they spill, then they don't make a huge mess.

I do understand why someone shouldnt have to redecorate her whole house before having kids over but i also feel that if i'm inviting people over with children, accidents can happen..even to the best behave child ever! If i have several vases i adore, why would i keep them up for grabs for a toddler to knock over?? heck, no!..lol!!! sorry, but i like my vases and it's not worth keeping them in arms way just to prove a point. Also, when i have people over with children i also want the parents to have a good time and not always be running around my house watching toddler #1 not touching my red chinese vase, toddle #2 playing with my glass figurines etc... I want them to be able to sit down with the rest of us and be able to have a good time so, i do try to minimize the damage as much as possible.

[DianneS]

I don't necessarily agree with this comment. When I invite people to my home I shouldn't have to redecorate before you come over. I don't have children and I do have breakable things around my home. My house is definitely not child-friendly. When friends and family bring their children with them they know this. It isn't the first time they've visited my home. They know to bring toys and games for their child. They should also know that my home shouldn't be dictated by you. I suppose I could choose to no longer invite you to my home, which I have done. I instead choose to trust that you can take care of your children and operate on the 'you break it, you bought it' scenario. I don't necessarily want to lose friends over material goods, but when you enter my home you should act with respect and caring over the items in my home. My concession is that I only serve children 'clear drinks' like Sprite, white grape juice and water. This way if they spill, then they don't make a huge mess.

With all due respect, until one has had a toddler, it is very difficult to understand how naturally curious and quick little ones can be -- even with the best of supervision. I found it became necessary to alter my view of what children should be like once I actually had them. My children are now adults but when I am entertaining guests in my home I want them to be comfortable, not having to hover over a child or feel tense because their 'normal/typical' child might break something. So, if there are things that could harm a child or things I would be upset to lose I put them away. While I don't re-arrange my entire house, by any means, I do feel that making things comfortable for everyone is just part of being a welcoming hostess. I would never want to lose a friendship over a vase or an ornament.

I will add the caveat that I am talking about your typical children here. I did have a friend whose children ran wild and I made a point to getting together with them in the summer when we could be outside in the yard or go on a picnic!

[screamy]

Interesting - I was raised in the "God help you if you misbehave or break anything when we're visiting anywhere," manner; to this day I'm much more careful in someone else's house (I break my own stuff, that's sad - but I break someone else's stuff, I'm going to feel like s**t even if I replace it, which I would). I have to say, though, who the hell opens closed doors when they're visiting? I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week if I'd done that. Any kid older than two should be able to understand not to pry into stuff that's not theirs, I've seen many toddlers who have been told "No, you can't touch X", and leave it alone.

I don't have kids of my own, and am the eldest of the grandchildren. When I was younger, and they were kids (there was a 13-year gap between my youngest sister and eldest cousin), it was assumed that I would see to all of the babies as a matter of course. They didn't live nearby, so I wallowed in baby drool, finger-paint and story time until they were old enough that they wanted to play by themselves, and it was awesome. However, my aunt and uncle were careful to check in on me regularly and ask me if I wanted a break or what have you; I honestly didn't, because being the "favourite cousin" was fantastic.

Now that there's just my three-year-old niece to attend to at family events, and we all congregate at my parents' home, I'm the one who spends the vast majority of the visit with her; my sister and BIL are happy to leave me to it and enjoy some grown-up conversation. "Favourite auntie" status has replaced that of favourite cousin (although they apparently still like me best: ten years of "Sure, we can walk to the bakery for cookies, why not?" leaves a mark, heh) and is 100 times better. Even if I wanted to, it would be difficult to convince my niece that she couldn't spend the visit stuck to me like glue; luckily for me, she is an absolutely adorable kid and I'd rather watch Sesame Street videos with her over and over than spend time debating politics or whatever, which is what's going on with the adults. She's not going to be three forever, and I often say I am soaking up all the cuteness for when she's a teenager and doesn't care if I live or die.

Having said that, if they walked through the door and said "Here, now she's your problem," and didn't check to see if all was well and at least offer to look after her, I would feel like it was an imposition. I don't have a lot of super-important fragile stuff, so kid-proofing my condo wouldn't take long, and I think there's a shared responsibility - the parents should be keeping an eye on the kids to ensure that they don't break stuff, and the host, if they're at all concerned about anything with enormous sentimental value, would be wise to ensure it's not accessible. If it's more than a couple of things, that might be another story. Maybe gearing the invite to later in the evening, or putting something like "Book the babysitter and come enjoy a Dora, Elmo and Treehouse-free evening!" in the invite would help...? (not so much for family stuff...but maybe other get-togethers)

(wow...much longer than I expected it to be! eeep!)

[Kelly5]

Maybe gearing the invite to later in the evening, or putting something like "Book the babysitter and come enjoy a Dora, Elmo and Treehouse-free evening!" in the invite would help...? (not so much for family stuff...but maybe other get-togethers

I love this idea! I don't see it working very often as most of my personal family members with kids expect other family members to babysit. This could cause a lot of difficulties and problems in trying to implement it.

To be honest I don't really invite people with children to my home very often. I just don't have the time to completely child proof my home every time. Most of my friends don't have children yet and we mostly do adult activities. I maintain that I don't see the need to child proof my home when the three children I know come for a visit. When I was a kid there was the expectation that I didn't touch anything in anyone else's home. We only ever knew one person that had a home that wasn't child friendly, she was my aunt. I was always told that you didn't touch anything and because I was all dressed up and the home was so nice, I never wanted to touch anything. It seemed like a special treat to go over to their home. My home is now similar to my aunts. I feel like if you're not comfortable in my home then you probably shouldn't come. We probably aren't close friends anyway if there is a lack of respect, and you don't expect to pay for it to be fixed if your child breaks something. I respect that accidents happen, adults break things too! I do expect you to pay for it if your child breaks it. I'm not hoping for something to break if you come over, but do expect to be responsible for your kid and to pay if your kid breaks it.

I just saw a Sex and the City episode where Carrie goes to someone's home and her shoes are stolen. She expects the person to pay for her shoes, despite the over $400 price tag. I agree that if I break something of yours then I should pay for it, so conversely you should pay if you break my stuff. Everyone that comes to my home understands that. I think it's common courtesy. The same thing happens in stores and everyone just understands the rule, so the rule still applies anywhere outside your own home.

[nightlite]

Discipline in general is seriously lacking these days. Some parents think whatever their babies/toddlers do is 'cute' and let them run wild....these 'cute' kids get older and behaviour becomes a serious problem. And I seriously am bugged by parents who will say, 'OK, I'm going to count to five....' No means NO and if a child doesn't get it first try, then deal with it and quit counting.....

I am that mother. Sorry if that bothers you but it's a system that works well for my kids b/c it gives them the realization that a) hell is coming if they don't stop and b) for them to stop, pause and actually think on their own and realize what they are doing wrong. In that way it teaches them to acknowledge their actions. I give them a choice to decide if they are doing something that is wrong or right. If I keep telling them No it's my way or the highway, it doesn't tell them anything other than Mom is mad and yelling at me. It works for me b/c of my kids characters. If you do something different and it works for you, then by all means continue to do so. But we all have different children that respond differently and need to be parented differently than others. Just because I am counting doesn't mean I would discipline them any less if they didn't stop misbehaving.

I find this entire thread very strange. In the sense that I can honestly say I have never EVER gone anywhere with the intention of anyone else watching my kids. That makes no sense to me. I am a guest in someone's home, they are my kids, therefore my responsibility. They are expected to act like guests and abide by the rules of the hosts home. I can't even wrap my head at some of the experiences you all have had on here. How terrible of people to do that to you. I would be mortified if my children acted like wild animals in a friends home.