Looking for some advice and on dealing with a sibling

[ame555]

I'm not sure where to post this, but I'm looking for a few "neutral" people's input. My little brother, he's 28 (8 years my jr), has turned into a massive slob. He has never been a tidy, organized guy, but this is horrible. My sister and I disagree on how to handle the situation. My mom and dad, don't want to here it as he is so coddled by them.

He's 28 years old, has a great job and even bought himself a little condo about 2 years ago. He's single, never really dated anyone serious that I know of. His place is a pig sty to the point now where he stinks. He will wear the same thing for a few days, he will have food on the front of him, his hair has crusty's in it from 3 days of gel and no shower. The latest is he cut his own hair, but it's completely crooked, looks awful. His place as dishes that haven't been washed in a week, his bathroom scares me!

As I've mentioned he's never been the tidiest guy around, but now its to the point I think something else is going one. Like he's majorly depressed or something (I live in another city, but I saw him last week when we were visiting him). My sister who lives in the same city says, he's not depressed, he's just a lazy ___________, who needs his ________ kicked. She sees him a lot more then I do. Mom and Dad just get stressed if you critize their "baby".

He's a big guy, always has been, and I think he's self-conscious (he's 6'4 and big). All through school he was a foot taller then most, gave him some issues, really lacks confidence with woman. Most of his friends have moved onto a new stage of life (married etc). And as I said I'm 8 years older then him, so I have a different relationship with him then my other sister who is closer in age to him.

What would you do if it was your brother?

Thanks!

[Jina]

When you say he wasn't always the tidiest, was it when he was still living with your parents and your mum was always taking care of things for him?

I would think that he's either depressed or because there's no one really doing things for him and he's reached a point where he doesn't care anymore.

I have a younger brother who is 30 years old. He never really helped doing the chores when we were all living together. My mum was always doing things for him because she gave up telling him to tidy up (he wouldn't do a thing). He stayed with my parents until he got married. Now his wife is doing everything.
I believe that if he had his own place and stayed by himself, his place would be a mess but would eventually pay a maid. But he's always taken care of his appearance though. Shower, personal hygiene, haircut at a salon, etc....

If he's neglecting his appearance (and never used to), I would think he's depressed too.

You mentioned that you met him last week, did you talk about anything?
Did he avoid a particular subject?

[ame555]

Thanks Jina,
That's a really good point - he never had to do the cleaning around the house. The part that is new is the appearance. Before maybe he'd go out with stinky socks, but never with food on his clothes, or the same clothes on. When I saw him last week my two little kid's were there so they tend to dominate the conversation, it was mostly friendly chat, nothing too deep.

[saveadollardiva]

I think you should just be upfront with him and ask if he is ok or not first. (Make sure this is not a depression situation) I would start off by saying "The last time we saw you, you looked like something was bothering you and you seemed to look stress outted?" "Is there anything going on that we can help you with?" now of course if he tells you something is wrong then of course work through that first. If he doesn't say anything is wrong and everything is fine, I would then say something around the lines of: "I am not trying to be mean or hurtful, but, lately we can see your appreance has changed. You look like you have not changed your clothes in a few days and your appearence looks a little bit out of place. Also, your place seems to look like you lately. Why so?" You have to be honest. But you have to do it in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings. But, as a family memeber, it is better to hear it from you then someone else.

[Natalka]

I definitely think you should talk to him about it, or write him an email, even.

As you describe, it's different for a guy to be messy and even live in yucky circumstances, but for personal appearance to be way off track, that's usually something else going on.

I understand about you and your sister having different relationships with him - I am in the same boat with a brother 10 years younger, but three other sisters older than me - so I've been the one to do any intervening which has had to be done. (And, yes it did, when he was in his 20s).

Be upfront and honest, but of course be careful with your wording...
Always say you love him, no matter what - and let him know you are open to talking with him!

[blueeyetea]

ame555, from what you're saying and others have said, not caring about his personal appearance does seem to point towards depression. What about other areas of his life that have changed in the last year? Does he still hang out with the same friends, and/or keep up with his interests?

Here's a helpguide for symptoms of depression:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depr..._treatment.htm

Has anyone suggested to him that he sees a doctor? When was the last time he went for a physical?