Truth or Hiding the Truth - Better?

[alicia]

I've already said upthread I wouldn't have mentioned this, but I just wanted to add something to this.

I'm not sure how old you are OP, but this is something that I've learned with a bit of age (I'm only 28), and also with developing serious, committed relationships... When you're young-ish, your parents are generally your sounding-board. They're the ones you're used to going to for advice, and you look for their approval, etc. At some point, generally in your early- to mid-twenties, depending on your relationship status, that really begins to change. You still love your parents, don't get me wrong, but the relationship changes with adult children and their parents.

This happened with me when I started getting serious with my fiancé, and we started building a life together. My parents were no longer my first call about important decisions, and advice. It takes awhile for everyone to grow accustomed to the new situation, and sometimes there are some growing pains.

I had a similar situation as you do now, where I mentioned something to my fiancé that my parents said about my fiancé to me. I thought like you "well, may as well be honest about this"... boy was I wrong. It ended up making no one happy! He was upset because he was hearing not nice things about himself. I was upset for upsetting him, and at my parents for saying it in the first place. My parents then were annoyed because I had said something to them.

[AmandaPantz]

The only thing is that I expect, and respect the same treatment. I know that he has in the past, and will in the future discuss my own shortcomings with others, that is just natural. Does it bother me? Not really because there is not really anything I can do about it until these shortcomings that he (or the others he has discussed it with) believe I have are known. I welcome him to tell me what these people think, and do no see criticisms as a problem, but a potential learning experience. This whole thread is great in that way, it being a critical learning experience involving the opinions of many others.

I suppose not all people are as impervious to ego-bruising, but it does not change the fact that I still hold that truth is better than withheld information, and once the hurt is gone, will create stronger person for it.

To answer some questions:

I know winter driving necessitates caution. That was not the problem. The comments came as a result of him needing to stay at his parent's house in order to shorten his drive, whenever there is chance of any snow (his words). I believe the difference in opinions stems from my own parents necessary winter drives through their lives, a direct comparison to him and his desire to shorten his, and severe lack of information on his part as to when he will find this necessary (any snow, big storms, etc). This is probably a case of "no one will ever be good enough for my daughter" - All of this was explained to him.

I wish other people that I know would give their opinions etc. I understand that not all will be taken into practice (perhaps impossible) or even regarded (some people are just directly offensive due to insecurity) but those that can help are always tried.

I feel bad that he is hurt in one hand, but also kind of miffed that he is taking something to heart that shouldn't really matter at the end of the day. He will continue to do what he likes, and be who he is.

[GoJays]

I'm a firm believer in "what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him".

[torontogal12]

Some people don't take criticism as well as others. Is ego bruising really better in this situation? What is the benefit of telling him, other than being honest? Is he going to change the way he drives? Is that what you were hoping for? Not sure?

I personally would not change something because somebody called me a "wuss." What one person calls a wuss, someone else calls cautious. I would only change it if someone gave me logical reasons, but something like this is subjective, as you said, your parents are used to long winter drives. He is not.

Your BF may not be confident in driving in snow, and if that is the case, it may be a good thing he doesn't drive in the show scared (when he is more likely to cause an accident).

With the driving situation, my DH used to go to Ottawa and Chicago a lot for work, and he'd drive in blizzards, up to 10 hours. It would worry me sick. Now he takes it much easier and stays over at his parents (2.5 hours drive) if there is a chance of snow. I like that he's taking my feelings into consideration and not trying to make me worried, and staying off a dangerous road, when it isn't urgent, keeping himself and others safe.

There are positives to being a cautious driver, and ego-bruising him into doing something he is not comfortable with may actually cause more harm than good (because he can be driving in situations he is not prepared for).

I hope this doesn't come off as offensive, I just want you to see a different perspective

The only thing is that I expect, and respect the same treatment. I know that he has in the past, and will in the future discuss my own shortcomings with others, that is just natural. Does it bother me? Not really because there is not really anything I can do about it until these shortcomings that he (or the others he has discussed it with) believe I have are known. I welcome him to tell me what these people think, and do no see criticisms as a problem, but a potential learning experience. This whole thread is great in that way, it being a critical learning experience involving the opinions of many others.

I suppose not all people are as impervious to ego-bruising, but it does not change the fact that I still hold that truth is better than withheld information, and once the hurt is gone, will create stronger person for it.

To answer some questions:

I know winter driving necessitates caution. That was not the problem. The comments came as a result of him needing to stay at his parent's house in order to shorten his drive, whenever there is chance of any snow (his words). I believe the difference in opinions stems from my own parents necessary winter drives through their lives, a direct comparison to him and his desire to shorten his, and severe lack of information on his part as to when he will find this necessary (any snow, big storms, etc). This is probably a case of "no one will ever be good enough for my daughter" - All of this was explained to him.

I wish other people that I know would give their opinions etc. I understand that not all will be taken into practice (perhaps impossible) or even regarded (some people are just directly offensive due to insecurity) but those that can help are always tried.

I feel bad that he is hurt in one hand, but also kind of miffed that he is taking something to heart that shouldn't really matter at the end of the day. He will continue to do what he likes, and be who he is.

[AmandaPantz]

Offense is rarely taken with me at all. Don't worry about that.

I suppose what I have learned here is that he is more "delicate" for lack of a better word than I had at first understood. The question now is whether I can possibly stop the ingrain "truth-telling" that I seem to have a problem with.

LOL that sounds funny - a problem with telling the truth....good Lord

[CrazyQT]

I don't see the benefit in calling anyone a wuss regardless of the situation. Just because your parents were comfortable driving in snowy conditions does not mean everyone should feel the same way. It's as though your parents see him as less of a man because he does not want to drive when they feel he should drive.

Did you have the conversation with your parents because you were upset that your BF decided to stay at his parents? Were you looking for validation of your feelings and since you received them from your parents you thought maybe your BF would see your point of view if your parents agreed with you?

After reading the entire situation I just do not see any benefit of telling your BF your parents called him a wuss. Sometimes it's best to keep things to yourself. It doesn't mean you are dishonest. Not everything you discuss with your parents has to be relayed to your boyfriend.

I would want my husband to stay somewhere safe rather than risk his life to drive home in crappy conditions. I am a worry wart by nature and knowing he was being proactive and making arrangements to keep safe is far better than risking his life.

[DianneS]

Offense is rarely taken with me at all. Don't worry about that.

I suppose what I have learned here is that he is more "delicate" for lack of a better word than I had at first understood. The question now is whether I can possibly stop the ingrain "truth-telling" that I seem to have a problem with.

LOL that sounds funny - a problem with telling the truth....good Lord

Keep in mind that the 'truth' about his driving is subjective.....the opinion of you and your parents.

My mother's "rule for life" about repeating what people have to say about others: Is it kind, is it true, is it necessary?

[nicolthepickle]

This is not about winter driving this is about your relationship. Always say positive things about your SO to him and to others.

[super807]

Offense is rarely taken with me at all. Don't worry about that.

I suppose what I have learned here is that he is more "delicate" for lack of a better word than I had at first understood. The question now is whether I can possibly stop the ingrain "truth-telling" that I seem to have a problem with.

LOL that sounds funny - a problem with telling the truth....good Lord

There is a difference between being dishonest and demonstrating tact. Not telling him something that someone else said about him would not have been a lack of truth, but simply tactful.

Do you think that it is necessary to tell everyone everything in order to be truthful? Many things are said between people that do not need to be repeated to others.

Do you think that being truthful is more important than everything else, including other's feelings? Life with others is a delicate balance, and many things are better left unsaid, or unrepeated.

Since you value "truth" so highly, I'll be truthful with you. If you think that he is "delicate" because his feelings were hurt when was told by his girlfriend that her parents consider him a "wuss" (an insult any way you say it), then you may find it difficult to get along well with others, as most people have feelings and do not enjoy being insulted. And he would likely be hurt if he knew that you had called him "delicate". I haven't met any man who would take well to having that label affixed to him.

[tjthemanto]

I think sometimes its smart not to drive in bad winter conditions .

Not a question of being a wuss , but just a safe decision .

Lot of accidents happening thesedays , not necessarily bcoz of you , but due to other bad drivers out there , who don't adjust to winter driving conditons.

I am surprised how many people drive without snow tires in winter and speed and tail gate in winter..a disaster waiting to happen

[r0c0upons]

yikes! i hope he doesn't go recklessly driving through a snowstorm to "prove" he's not a 'wuss'!

[Sunshyne1]

ok, so I have to ask, did you stand up for your boyfriend or did you just agree with your parents?

If you didn't stand up for him, I could understand him being a bit put off if he thinks you agree with them and didn't stick up for him.

I wouldn't let my parents call my SO a wuss in any situation. And if they did think that I would definately tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. I don't think it really has anything to do with telling the truth.
If your boyfriend asked you if your parents thought he was a wuss and you said yes they do, that's telling the truth. But just telling him that really has nothing to do with being truthful and was bound to do more harm than good.

[Ciel]

I have friends who drive their cars with less than ideal tires for winter because their budgets don't allow for a full set of new winter tires plus installation. They know when/if they have to avoid driving as a result of weather conditions.

[AmandaPantz]

There is a difference between being dishonest and demonstrating tact. Not telling him something that someone else said about him would not have been a lack of truth, but simply tactful.

Do you think that it is necessary to tell everyone everything in order to be truthful? Many things are said between people that do not need to be repeated to others.

Do you think that being truthful is more important than everything else, including other's feelings? Life with others is a delicate balance, and many things are better left unsaid, or unrepeated.

Since you value "truth" so highly, I'll be truthful with you. If you think that he is "delicate" because his feelings were hurt when was told by his girlfriend that her parents consider him a "wuss" (an insult any way you say it), then you may find it difficult to get along well with others, as most people have feelings and do not enjoy being insulted. And he would likely be hurt if he knew that you had called him "delicate". I haven't met any man who would take well to having that label affixed to him.

This thread is getting testy with some people, awesome!

It is a great discussion, even if it is venturing into the more sarcastic territory. And yes, I value your opinion as well, no matter whether it is a spur of the moment sarcastic blurb or not (just the way it was read, forgive me if I a wrong).

By the way, I said delicate - for lack of a better word. I am sure I could have opened a thesaurus to give a synonym, but did not want to put forth the effort at the time.

[AmandaPantz]

WOOOHOOOOO I am tactless..... well, I suppose I have to be labelled as something too, might as well be that LOL