Truth or Hiding the Truth - Better?

[AmandaPantz]

Hey-a,

So I recently had a spat with the BF about driving in the winter etc. My parents seem to think he is a bit of a wuss in regards to this. I told him this, not for the reason of being mean (I don't want to be mean) but because I find it fair that everyone in truthful in a relationship, and that opinions of a partners' parents should be told.

Now he has become ego-bruised and is being all reclusive and such. Problem being: if I am unable to communicate with him (he has a tendency to shut down and "not want to talk about it" all the time) who can I possibly discuss it with if not the parents?

Jeeez,

Amanda S.

[Shwa Girl]

Hey-a OP.
Just to clarify, please.
Did your parents tell him or did your parents tell you?
Thx!

[Shwa Girl]

he has a tendency to shut down and "not want to talk about it" all the time

Please don't be upset at this post.
Just thinking out loud.
If he tends to shut down, wonder if he might benefit from support, encouragement, positive and encouraging words.
For me, love to hear encouragement from friends, family, coworkers, and even perfect strangers (e.g. online at SC). This support tends to make me want to be better and do better.
Just thinking out loud, is all.

[Anna Michele]

I think if it was his parents it would have been ok but it being your parents this means you and your parents were taking about him and his driving. He might be wondering whayt else they think of him. Some things are better left unsaid.
Sorry

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[CrazyQT]

Is your BF a bad driver in winter conditions or just a cautious driver?

[Minou]

Nope... you definitely should not be telling your boyfriend about anything critical that your parents say about him, or telling your parents about your boyfriend's criticisms of THEM! Doing this is pretty much guaranteed to ruin any chance of a future relationship between them, and could even ruin the relationship between you and your boyfriend, as you're finding out. When one of your friends criticizes another for something, do you go running to the criticized friend to tell them what the other friend said in the interests of truth? Neither one would like you very much if you did!

[alicia]

I wouldn't have said anything. There is a funny dance that sometimes has to be done with in-laws, and unfortunately it sometimes puts you in the middle.

[Springbreeze]

I probably would not have told him. Like a previous poster said, he might very well be thinking, if they talk about my driving behind my back what else do they say.

[DianneS]

While honesty is important in a relationship, so is confidentiality and respect for your partner's feelings. I've been married for over 25 years and I don't discuss my spouse's 'short-comings' with my parents (or anyone else for that matter). Since you have an issue with your BF's driving, the person you should discuss it with is him. I honestly don't know anyone who would appreciate being called a 'wuss' by their SO's parents.

Just a thought.....if you are more comfortable driving in winter weather than he is, maybe you could do the driving.

[MrsSunshine]

I"m with Dianne on this one..!

[Minou]

Some people have different "standards" of what it means to drive in winter weather, and it's important to be cautious! A person considering an optional trip somewhere on the highway on slippery, partially snow-covered roads where there's zero visibility in places isn't doing the right thing. About a month ago, a woman and two children were killed on a highway just south of the border on the way down to Minneapolis for a little getaway. There was a travel advisory as the result of a major storm, and the weather was terrible even in the city. Someone I work with was ranting one morning about the slow drivers on the highway on the way into the city from where they live. "C'mon, people..." she said, "you've got to do the speed limit in days with snow and poor visibility, so 100 km/h! Otherwise, you're a danger on the road. If you can't do the speed limit, get off the highway! There were people doing 80 km/h just because they couldn't see. They could have caused an accident!" She seemed to have forgotten what happened last year when she and her husband were following too closely behind a car in blowing snow, tried to pass because the car was going "too slowly", and failed to see the huge, hardened snowdrift that ended up taking off part of their new car's bumper. Thankfully, it wasn't worse, but she blamed the other vehicle for the accident.

I don't think anyone should call someone a "wuss" for being cautious about driving in winter weather.

[torontogal12]

It's your relationship and you know it best- we don't know what goes on, but personally, I don't tell people stuff like "you know what this person said about you?" because to me, it just causes hurt feelings, starts fights, and doesn't really accomplish anything positive in the end.

Look at the driving in a positive way. He is concerned about safety for people he cares about and others on the road

[Decaf]

I don't see a big deal about discussing this with family members, not like they would not notice themselves what your bf is like. There are things he can hide but driving skill is something someone can observe and form their own opinion.

I think this is the case of personality difference. From your point of view you think you can openly discuss anything with someone you trust (being truthful) while your bf interpret that as disapproval / criticism and feel inadequate / hurt / angry. So big question is how do people around you describe you? mean, thoughtless, talkative, bossy, tactless, verbally abusive, ect?? If you're not then how often do you have to watch what you say as to not offense your bf and cause him to clam up?

IMHO, your bf needs to understand that healthy criticism is a good thing. Everyone give and receive criticism whether one like it or not.

BTW, it's better to be a cautious driver than a reckless one.

[walkonby]

aw Amanda I just feel bad for your DH. I don't think he benefited from this information about his
" wuss-ness " on his winter driving. That was a direct stab at his machismo, so of course he would shut down.
Did you agree with what your parents said about him or did you take offense to what they said? He may be wondering what side you were on with this.
Defending him was an option you could have taken, and then of course not repeating what they said about him as well.
Being truthful and honest in a relationship does come with a price, I so hope the two of you can repair whatever trouble this caused.

[Natalka]

Hey-a,

So I recently had a spat with the BF about driving in the winter etc. My parents seem to think he is a bit of a wuss in regards to this. I told him this, not for the reason of being mean (I don't want to be mean) but because I find it fair that everyone in truthful in a relationship, and that opinions of a partners' parents should be told.

Now he has become ego-bruised and is being all reclusive and such. Problem being: if I am unable to communicate with him (he has a tendency to shut down and "not want to talk about it" all the time) who can I possibly discuss it with if not the parents?

Jeeez,

Amanda S.

There is a difference between being truthful and you doing what you did.

I'm with Minou and Dianne S on this one... being in a serious, committed relationship means that person comes first. No chitchatting with parents on either side, or friends, about all the personal goings-on - most particularly when it's a criticism relayed by you second-hand - that's just asking for hurt.