i think i'm loosing my patience.....

ok that is probably all my fault , but

if someone phone you every day and ask you the same question and the answer is obviously the same...

if someone tell you something that she already told you 3-4 times already..and does it quite often......and you got the nerve to tell her....

if someone tell you '' have you seen this movie ?'' you answer ''yes'' and the person still tell you all about and you say ''i've seen it'' don't tell me,.....and she still tell you all about it.....and you say '' stop, i've seen it''....

if someone phone you to tell you everything that goes around.....and Wake you up telling you it'S late enough to get up and ....this person takes multiples naps during the day.....

if someone ask you thing as if it was an order and never say thank'S and if you can't do sometig, tells you things like
'' sure you don't want''.....

if you bring a meal and the person see only what is missing.....and you ask '' beside the missing....was it ok?'' and the person say she never mentionned it....


these are only a few examples of what is my day to day life....

sorry, ....

P.S. but i know , when she'll be gone, i'll miss her so much :bawling:

Oh, Mia, that's why patience is a virtue and we are to honour our parents.

Does she have memory problems, other than just the type that declines with getting older?

Bless you for caring for her and loving her despite the hardship it causes you... she DOES love you, and appreciates what you do - just is not the best at showing you and letting you know.

You are an awesome daughter! :)

i think she has a little more memory problems than just aging.... she is now in a wheelchair ( she can only walk a little with help) and have problems with her right shoulder so she can hardly use her right hand

Perhaps that is something you could address with her doctor if you go along with her to an appointment.
I can't remember - is she living on her own? In a facility?

still on her own,
she has someone * going for home things ( cleaning, laundry, some meals help, etc.. ) few hours a week and
i help her with the bathtaking, hair wash and care ( her hair dresser is in sick live) , grocery , shopping and some meals and driving her when she needs to go somewhere....she doesn't want me in the Dr office with her ....

* i thank God for this lady who is a true blessing for me

Mia, small thanks that your Mother is still on her own. Once she has to be in a facility or other arrangement that is when things may worsen. She probably does not want to worry you by having you hear all the things the Dr. is saying is wrong with her. It must be so difficult for you to look past many of her behaviours, but if at all possible try to. As you say once the day comes you no longer have her with you then you may just miss all those invasive questions and phone calls.

Mia....you shouldn't have to be the one doing her personal care: that's what personal care workers are for, and they're covered by the gov't...or some such entity...when my Mother lived with us, we had a PSW coming in every single morning to give her a shower and sit with her a while, while I got things done around the house that needed attending to. Or, I just sat in blissful silence for a while. Not that my Mom was difficult to care for, it's just that the caring was given to someone else for a while and the stress was off my shoulders for a while. She also came for 4 hours once a week so that my hubby and I could get out together!, for a change.
Your Mother sounds like early stage dementia to me, having gone through it with my Mom and this should definitely be addressed with her doctor. There's a simple testing procedure to go through to determine her level of comprehension and is a gift, knowing where you and she are at. Patience may be a virtue, but when we can understand where her behavior is coming from, ie: not consciously doing that, it makes it easier to ignore and accept what's going on.
Good luck, Hon...

Mia I understand what your feeling and for a couple of years I had no patience with my mother when she did a lot of the things you described. I wasn't always very nice to mom when she called and now that she's no longer with us I miss those times she would aggravate me and actually feel guilty about it now. Being a nurse I see that patients are living longer and more children are having to care for their elderly parents and it sometimes places a hardship on them. Hang in there it's human to have those feelings. And yes you will miss her and those questions when she's gone.

As a former psw worker (loved it but couldn't live on this wage),it's difficult when this happens. I agree with the above,the help that you get from psws is so you can take a break. I found many people I cared for had family members that felt guilty for that break. It's hard. As a psw I found myself getting attached but no client was my personal concern. If you need a break take it,as they say you need to take care of yourself first. If you say "nobody else will do it" -If you didn't wake up tomorrow it would work itself out. Take time for you!

It's not easy, it won't get easier and when it does get easier it's because she will be gone and you will wish you had more patience. We all deal with these things to the best of our ability. You cannot blame yourself when you do what you can. You are not a trained professional, you are also dealing with it from an emotional level. Trained professionals have the ability to care for people from a distance at the emotional level.

Yes I lost my temper with my mom, yes I regretted it after but over the years I learned to have empathy but also not to let my emotions get in the way. Yes I loved her but from a distance. If I didn't do this I would have been a basket case every day because I watched her die a slow death for years. When she died it was tough but I know I did everything I could with the knowledge and skill I had. I also know that she did not choose to be this way. Her mind betrayed her, she would have been mortified if she knew she was in diapers and her mind had failed her.

We are only human Mia. Hang in there.

Mia, as the others said, you really need to take some time for yourself. If nobody is available to take over for a bit, perhaps you could look into some respite care. If you don't look after self, you won't be any good to help your mom.

Caring for loved ones is always hard, AND we all loose our patience, even when our family members have no health issues. If you didn't, you wouldn't be normal. Hang in hither Hun

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Originally Posted by Patty Smyth

It's not easy, it won't get easier and when it does get easier it's because she will be gone and you will wish you had more patience. We all deal with these things to the best of our ability. You cannot blame yourself when you do what you can. You are not a trained professional, you are also dealing with it from an emotional level. Trained professionals have the ability to care for people from a distance at the emotional level.

Yes I lost my temper with my mom, yes I regretted it after but over the years I learned to have empathy but also not to let my emotions get in the way. Yes I loved her but from a distance. If I didn't do this I would have been a basket case every day because I watched her die a slow death for years. When she died it was tough but I know I did everything I could with the knowledge and skill I had. I also know that she did not choose to be this way. Her mind betrayed her, she would have been mortified if she knew she was in diapers and her mind had failed her.

We are only human Mia. Hang in there.

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Patty, you said it so well....as much as I loved my Mom and omg, I so wish I could have just one more hug from her, one more time of bringing her tea, I'd jump on it! I also was short-tempered from time to time although thank heavens it was never directed at her....I just sometimes wasn't as attentive as I could have been...lordy it just tires you right out emotionally and physically. I used to say that'll be the day when I could walk through the dining room into the kitchen without her calling me name. Well, eventually she didn't. And yes, the guilt came! I used to say I walked in circles in that kitchen after she passed away, not knowing what to do with myself! Being alone in the house was eery.....and I think you may know what I mean.

Mia, we're all only human and like Patty said, we're not professionals, we have an emotional investment in the person we're caring for and it's a double-edge sword: we want to do our best for them, yet we want a little peace in our lives. I don't know what your relationship was with your Mom originally, but my Mom and I had a pretty darn good one, even though she was a fairly critical lady...I laughed too loud, walked to noisily...lol...and that was when she was just fine in her early years!...yes, she was a lady to the end. But I did my duty as a daughter, loved her through it as much as I could, had the help of an incredible PSW, and got through it. Guilt? Absolutely. But I DID MY BEST. And that's all I could have done.

Get a diagnosis if you can, Mia...it makes it easier to understand what she's going through and if it's early stage dementia, yes, she'll repeat her stories, the sky might be pink (don't argue, it's pink!)...she'll insist she's hearing voiced outside her door, that you're stealing things...lol...yes, been there done that. But knowing that she's not going all of that out of spite, that it's mis-firings in her brain makes it easier to cope with.

You're doing fine, feeling stressed isn't unusual, but like Holly said, you MUST take time for yourself! You NEED the breaks! Get a PSW in to help out and don't listen to your Mom about not wanting one! She's likely not making rational decisions right now and you have to be the one thinking for both of you. Have her assessed by whatever organization does that where you are, and hang in there, Hon. It does get better...the anger, the hostility, all of that subsides eventually...then you can love her through to the end.

she now agree to get some help from the CLSC....but it was not without some ...'' i'm a burden for you'' '' you get rid of me''..etc...etc...

it's like she can't understand that other people than her can be sick, tired , or anything else.....and it breaks my heart

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Originally Posted by Mia001

she now agree to get some help from the CLSC....but it was not without some ...'' i'm a burden for you'' '' you get rid of me''..etc...etc...

it's like she can't understand that other people than her can be sick, tired , or anything else.....and it breaks my heart

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Mia, it's hard not to feel like a burden....even with the accident I had this spring which I know will eventually get better, I, too, feel like a burden to my husband, who's had to give up his golfing this summer to do everything around the house, the cooking, cleaning...everything!...while I sat around doing nothing! She just needs reassurance that you're doing this so that she can have someone else to chat with (my Mom ended up just loving her PSW), that even care-givers need a break in their lives of they can't go on being any good for that person.

Reassure her because she may genuinely be frightened, then look after yourself. You probably won't convince her that you mean the best for both of you, but eventually, she'll understand that it's not the end of the world if someone else comes in to help. It'll be a breather for both of you....best of luck, Hon...

I can so relate to how you're feeling Mia. My Mom has been gone over a year now, and I still feel guilt over the frustration I felt at times, when I should have just realized she wasn't being difficult on purpose. Very few people are that difficult on purpose. Our loved ones are hardest on those they love.