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Thread: Delivery Room Disagreement

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    LoveToSave wimbly11's Avatar
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    Hi everyone, I have a dilemma and seem to be totally at a stand still with my boyfriend. Here's a little history. I am divorced. My mother was not very supportive during my divorce and when I started dating BF after the divorce she hated him (even though she hadn't met him, living in different provinces). We had it very rough for a while with my mother, she was angry and bitter all of the time towards me and towards him.

    We have been together three years now. Things have improved slightly. He has met my family twice. Everyone loves him, mom tolerates him (she wanted me to stay married no matter what). He isn't overally comfortable around my mother and finds it hard when she makes her snide comments and states her opinion.

    This will be my parents first grandchild. Despite the hardship over the years I still love my mother dearly and always imagined her being in the delivery room with me. BF has recently stated that he is uncomfortable with this. He brought it up yesterday out of nowhere and said that he was afraid that she would ruin the birth of his child for him. And that it wasn't fair that he should have to deal with her in the delivery room and that it was bad enough that he had to put up with her for a few weeks when they come to visit. I feel like he's putting me in the middle. I either have my mom in there regardless of his feelings, or I tell her she can't (after already telling her she would because he never stated this before). I feel heartbroken and trapped. I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking this moment was ruined for him, but at the same time, I feel he's being selfish and not thinking about me, the one who has to go through the delivery and would like to have the support of my mom there as well.

    What do I do?

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    Mastermind bargain_hunter_lola's Avatar
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    You should go with whatever you feel is right in your heart.

    Do you know how many people are allowed in the delivery room?

    For my 1st, I had an emergency c-section. I was tired and terrified. They said to pick 1 person so I picked my mom (for a variety of reasons but she's also a great nurse so I knew she'd know what they were saying where as DH would be clueless). DH agreed with my decision and supported me fully.

    I've always felt a little guilty he wasn't in the room for our first but he still thinks I made the right decision.

    For our second, it was a planned c-section so he went with me. I wasn't scared and felt more prepared. He wasn't though! I thought he was going to faint. lol. He said he was glad he was there but still thought I made the right decision the first time around since it was an emergency.

    So for me it really depends on the circumstances.

    You'll be in labour a while so maybe they could take turns comforting/supporting you. Then rest while the other is "on duty".

    Good luck!


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    That is sucky that you have to choose. I think Bargain Hunter Lola might have the right idea, take turns, but have an agreement that everyone has to be nice to each other for your sake. Maybe have your mom there for part of it, but when baby is being born, let that be a moment between you and BF.

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    LoveToSave wimbly11's Avatar
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    I am allowed two people so they can both be there. My thought was they could be able to leave the room without feeling guilty about leaving me alone. My mom is coming up for the birth and I wanted to make her part of it, but I don't want to feel like I ruined the experience for BF...
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    Mastermind Natalka's Avatar
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    As much as I loved my mom, I only would have wanted my husband there for the birth itself.

    The way I look at it is - my husband and I created this child together, it's for us to go through this very special time together - it's very emotional and personal.

    It turned out I needed to have an emergency c-section, and though my husband was there for the full day of labour, he wasn't allowed in the operating room - there was no time, they prepped me in 20 minutes and it was done.

    And my mom - well, turns out there was a blizzard that day, and she couldn't travel to our city that day anyway. She came to see us two days after, as soon as she could.


    Sorry you are stuck in this situation. I do think it's wonderful your boyfriend wants to be with you there - think about how much that says!

    Maybe the compromise is that both are there (or take turns if your mom can't leave her differences aside) for labour, but only your boyfriend be there for the actual delivery.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Natalka View Post
    Maybe the compromise is that both are there (or take turns if your mom can't leave her differences aside) for labour, but only your boyfriend be there for the actual delivery.
    Yes, that's what I was thinking, but you said it better. For our DS, Mom was in the waiting room, only my DH was in there with me. Turned out to be a c section, but he was still there the whole time and got to hold DS before anybody else did.
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    LoveToSave wimbly11's Avatar
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    I like the idea of mom being allowed in during labor but just me and him for delivery. I don't know how he will feel about that compromise. I'll have to talk to him. Mom on the other hand, I know exactly how she'll react. She'll act like I'm the worst person ever and I'm breaking her heart for not letting her stay. It will be a personal attack on her. She's predictable. And unreasonable a lot of the time
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    I agree with Natalka and Zonny. I think it's a great compromise.

    Yes your mom might be offended, but it's not really your boyfriend's fault for not wanting her there since she has never been too welcoming towards him. Maybe this will be an eye opener for her, and she might start being nicer towards him, so that when baby #2 comes (lol, yes I'm planning that ahead for you!), she might be able to be in the delivery room during the birth.
    Your mom should also understand that it is not just your baby, but his too.

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    Mastermind Natalka's Avatar
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    wimbly, the way I would explain it to your mom, is that you and your boyfriend are going to be a new family, and you need to have this special bond together.

    Of course you are the only one who knows your relationship with her, but she sounds very negative, and I sure wouldn't want those vibes around me for long on such a happy day as the birth of a baby.

    Many times, a grandchild brings out the best in someone, I hope that happens for her.

    ---

    Zonny, since I had to be given a general for my c-section, I was out for an hour.
    During that time, my husband was with our son pretty much the whole time, except for during the doc's exam - it flabbergasted the nurses! They hadn't seen anything like it - he's very comfortable with babies.
    When I came to in my room, he was there with baby in his arms and brought him to me.

    We also were very lucky - there was a rule of no dads in the nursery - but they let him in for the first five days (til there was a shift change and the new nurses laid down the law). Yeah, I was stuck in the hospital for a week... and they didn't allow the baby to room in with me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Natalka View Post
    wimbly, the way I would explain it to your mom, is that you and your boyfriend are going to be a new family, and you need to have this special bond together.

    Of course you are the only one who knows your relationship with her, but she sounds very negative, and I sure wouldn't want those vibes around me for long on such a happy day as the birth of a baby.

    Many times, a grandchild brings out the best in someone, I hope that happens for her.

    ---

    Zonny, since I had to be given a general for my c-section, I was out for an hour.
    During that time, my husband was with our son pretty much the whole time, except for during the doc's exam - it flabbergasted the nurses! They hadn't seen anything like it - he's very comfortable with babies.
    When I came to in my room, he was there with baby in his arms and brought him to me.

    We also were very lucky - there was a rule of no dads in the nursery - but they let him in for the first five days (til there was a shift change and the new nurses laid down the law). Yeah, I was stuck in the hospital for a week... and they didn't allow the baby to room in with me.
    I was awake for mine (and trying not to barf since they took away my water bottle once they decided he wasn't coming out the traditional way).

    Interesting how different things are from place to place. My DS was in the room with me for our five day stay, I was not given any choice in the matter - there was no nursery where all the babies go, in our hospital all babies room with the Mom. And Dads were welcome everywhere. DH would walk the halls carrying DS around, talking to him, etc., the nurses thought it was cute.
    Last edited by Zonny; Mon, Oct 20th, 2014 at 02:25 PM.

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    Smart Canuck Jina's Avatar
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    Like others have said, your mom during labour and bf during the birth is a good compromise.
    Your mom should also respect your decision of choosing your bf over her. It's your first child together and it's something really special.
    It never crossed my mind to have my mom with me in the delivery room and my husband always came first.
    It wouldn't be fair for your bf to miss that special occasion, it's his baby first and he should have priority.
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    Mastermind bargain_hunter_lola's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zonny View Post
    Interesting how different things are from place to place. My DS was in the room with me for our five day stay, I was not given any choice in the matter - there was no nursery where all the babies go, in our hospital all babies room with the Mom. And Dads were welcome everywhere. DH would walk the halls carrying DS around, talking to him, etc., the nurses thought it was cute.
    Same for us. I was awake and pretty sick during the emergency c-section (at that point I had been in the hospital for 4 days with very little sleep).

    My mom stayed with me, while DH took care of the baby until I was more alert (they ended up giving me gravol during the surgery so I was awake but really groggy). Even though he wasn't in the surgery room, DH was still the first to hold DD (other than the doctors of course). He actually held her for the first 3 hours while I was sleeping (as soon as i saw her and knew she was ok with DH i was out). lol. I learned from that and refused anything for my 2nd c-section, I didn't want to sleep for DS's first few hours!

    I think most hospitals don't have nurseries anymore, babies are given to the parents immediately. I always recommend the dad to be well rested, he might have to be very hands on if mom is recuperating.

    It would be great if your mom and BF could agree on roles prior, would save a lot of drama/stress at the time. Perhaps you could ask your mom to be there for YOU and your BF can be there for baby. Or whatever you'd prefer. Think about what YOU would like most and try to work it out as close to that as possible.




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    Last edited by bargain_hunter_lola; Mon, Oct 20th, 2014 at 05:25 PM.


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    I agree with the advice of others that a compromise would be in order-and given you will both be parenting this new member of your family for 18+ years to come it will likely be the first of many more compromises you and BF will need to make in raising your wee one. All the best with the delivery!
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    At the risk of getting slack on this, I just want to say I agree with your BF on this issue. You have both had to depend on each other while your mother has been not very nice about your relationship or towards him. Let him be the hero! He wants to be the one that gets you through this, and I think he should be. Let mom wait outside for the announcement.
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    I agree that if your bf isn't ok with it that you shouldn't have your mom in there for the delivery.. Labour.. Meh!!!.. That could be minutes or hours.. Coming from a place where my now in-laws have been less than "nice" to me I wouldn't want DH to feel like he has to choose.. The choice is simple "father of baby". While your comfort level is important his is as well.. If you want another support person hire a doula.. If he doesn't want to cough up the $$$ then maybe he will suggest your mom instead as $500 might seem like a lot to him. It's sneaky but meh..
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