Where Do You Draw The Line?

[ilovecoupons23]

This rant has to do with Christmas (it's a little late)

Every year we have a friends and family Christmas party. Each year we rotate to see who will host it. This year it was my turn.

My sister-in-law is someone who also likes to save money. I like to save money, but if I am going to a party or buying a gift for someone I will not buy cheap stuff..yes I will try to get the best possible price, but I will still buy quality stuff for them. I try to save money on my grocery bill each week , but I justify it because I am the one eating it. Now for this Christmas dinner I made sure I bought nice cheeses, wines etc because I wanted it to be nice for my family and friends.

Each year everyone brings an appetizer or dessert to help the host out with the party as a courtesy. Every single person that came brought something, whether it was crackers, a fruit tray or veggies. My sister-in-law shows up with nothing. Now it's not a matter of her not being able to afford it- she has a good job, but she just will always do whatever she can to avoid paying or contributing to anything.

This is the 4th year in a row she has not shown up with anything. It has nothing to do with the material part of it, I just think when someone invites you to their house it is nice to even bring them a card.

She did bring me a "hostess gift" however it was a gift she had received from another family member last christmas. Then we went out on the 30th for a New Years type dinner. When the bill came she conveniently went to the bathroom and the rest of us ended up paying her portion. Now again I'm not materialistic but I just can't stand how cheap she is. Yes I like to save money but I would always pay my own way.

She never apologizes or anything and always thinks this goes unnoticed, but many people in our family have the same feelings that I do. It's tough because I want to call her out, but she is family. Also for her kids birthdays and Christmas I always spend a lot of money on their gifts and I just am tired of always being the one to give. It's never a 2 way street.

I don't really know what to do.

What do you guys think about hostess gifts? Do you usually bring something to a family Christmas to help out? Or am I being too unreasonable with all this?

It just upsets me because she makes over $70,000 a year..so it's not like she is struggling financially. I don't understand why she never pays her share. Do you confront a person like this? It's just hard when they are a family member.

I basically just want to say..

- You are so cheap.
-Everyone does everything for you and never once is it reciprocated.
- When you go out to a restaurant don't expect others to foot the bill.
- We all like to save money, but you take it to a whole other level and it is really tacky.

UPDATE:

Sorry for the delay guys, I was sick with the flu all week (maybe it's karma for me writing this stuff about my sister-in-law )

She is my brother's wife, and truth be told she is a nice person other than this. That is why I was hesitant to bring it up . I decided to talk to my brother and just let him know that I was a little hurt by the fact she gave me someone else's gift. Him being a typical guy had no clue any of this was going on lol. He was blindsided, he said that he didn't want to really bring it up to her, but he did take me out to dinner and give me a gift certificate to get my nails done

And like other's have said "I guess every family has one moocher" .

I really appreciate all the replies, it helps to know that I am not the only one who goes through this kind of stuff! A lot of the replies were really funny and helpful in putting it all in perspective I guess my goal for 2015 is to not let this little stuff get to me! She is a good person, just CHEAP! But maybe one day she'll change her ways (fingers crossed)

[abbasgirl]

Saving money becomes "cheap" when it takes advantage of someone else. That's where I draw the line.
Maybe someone else will have some good advice about what to do with her. My own thinking is that generosity should come from your heart and when someone is selfish at heart, there really isn't much you can do about it, other than limiting the opportunities they have to take advantage of you.

[MrsSunshine]

thats how she saves her money. everyone else pays.
agreed not fair. she needs to be called out on it. guaranteed if you all did it to her, she'd say something wouldnt' she??
id' cut my losses while i can. not worth the hassle.

[Poirot]

When you go to a restaurant get everyone else to agree before hand to separate bills so your sister can't get away for paying her own way.

[padyofurniture]

Separate bills at restaurants should help, or per couple.

The spiteful me thinks that the next time it's their turn to host, that everyone who feels like you do, not to bring a dish. We bought fresh fruit & veggies and other items for guests this year, and no one came.

[Granger]

We have a similar issue with a family member.

I do a hostess gift. A bottle of Bath and Body Works soap nicely wrapped this year.
I offer to bring food, if I am not hosting. Most people decline my offer because I am the only female family member that works full-time with multiple children. Other female family members with children are SAHM with fewer children.

I now direct that family member, when appropriate. I paid for you, your cost to to me is ___. Or separate bills. Family members will also direct her to bring something specific. A little mean, but if people ask, where is the ___, at meal, we now have the opportunity to say, that was ___ responsibility. After a few red-faced scenarios, this family member has pulled less of these stunts on us.

[Shwa Girl]

Then we went out on the 30th for a New Years type dinner. When the bill came she conveniently went to the bathroom and the rest of us ended up paying her portion. Now again I'm not materialistic but I just can't stand how cheap she is. Yes I like to save money but I would always pay my own way.

Her wallet must be very full, if she never pays.
Like this guy:

[SavvyLady]

I think you and your family are enabling her, if it happened once, or she didn't have the money I could understand but you said this is not the case.
Next time you go out and she gets up to go to the bathroom just say, " oh before you go can you leave $25.00 for your part of the dinner"! Or wait until she comes back to pay the bill...
like paddyofurniture, I wouldn't bring anything over to her house, I would say, since you never bring anything over to my house I thought we're not supposed to bring anything!!

[GracieAnne]

When you go to a restaurant get everyone else to agree before hand to separate bills so your sister can't get away for paying her own way.

This, it's the easiest way to deal with that. But I'm poor, and I tend to order the cheaper meal, so I'd rather not be paying for part of the $39 steak and $20 worth of wine someone else had when I ate for less than $15.

[Natalka]

Is she married to your brother? Then you talk to him.

[Midnightly]

i agree with the separate bills when eating out... and when she ever hosts follow her lead, don't bring anything, when trading gifts buy what you would normally for the kids (it's not the kids fault she is cheap) but play the "white elephant" game back with her (regift something she may like, or a very frugal item... or even just a card) or just in general stop buying for them..

personally i was in a slightly similar situation with my brother inlaw's family.. i made effort to buy them and their kids nice gifts.. and when we would get gifts from them it would be dollar store stuff- and cheap dollar store stuff not nicer stuff) if we got anything in return at all, and we would never get a thank you... when their kids were born i sent a gift for each kid, when my daughter was born we didn't even get a card (this was before facebook) to this day i still don't think they've sent anything and my kidlet is 7

one year i sent the gifts to my parents place, they live in the same town probably 15 minutes away (to save big $$ on shipping since i could purolator it free to my parents in one big box vrs paying to ship separately to them) they never bothered to pick the stuff up till 3 days after christmas! (my parents were not strangers to them her brother inlaw actually was living in my parents basement rental at the time!) that was the last year i sent anything (and that was the year i did up custom blankets with their names for both of the girls)

personally i just think it's a personality trait... to take take take and not give back, to take advantage, borrow and not return... just selfish personalities live for the moment and let others foot the bill and we have sort of cut them from our lives from it because we were tired of being burned (the only time i know what is going on with them is when they post stuff on facebook...)

[tinambulance]

OMG! Do we have the same sister-in-law? I have the same problem with mine. However, she is my husband's brother's wife so hard to say anything. However we only pay for our share of any restaurant meals.

[lecale]

.

[Minou]

I agree with Natalka -- if she's a sister-in-law, is she married to your brother? The gifts and contributions to dinners on your side are really his responsibility. Years ago, when there were events on DH's side once or twice a weekend, I got pretty burnt out by the food and gift expectations being placed on me. Birthday for extended family? "Minou, please bring a large, decorated birthday cake." Prayers/Funeral/40-day event for extended family member? "Minou, please bring baking and/or food to each." DH's cousin's child's birthday? "Minou, please shop for a gift and spend your entire Sunday afternoon/evening at the party." Nephew's birthday? "Please bring salad for 40." It got to the point that much more was expected of me as a nephew's wife that it was overwhelming -- and yet there were often no expectations of my husband's male or female cousins of the same age. I work full-time and have a good salary, but this was stressful. I did what I felt I could, but I also started leaving more up to my husband. Eventually the family expanded and broke up into smaller family units for most events. We also pick and choose what we actually attend. Cousin's children's birthday parties are out, aside from baby gifts and maybe first birthdays. Maybe there are just too many events being hosted by your family? If her husband is your brother, talk to him about the situation. He should become more responsible for obligations to his own family.

[Anna Michele]

I agree with everyone here
That being said my get togethers are my girlfriends and our kids. My sister is cross country and my husbands family never gets together with us and im taking about the ones in our city.
I only wish we did more family things outside of our household but truth be told I'd rather spend time with people who want to spend time with me.
Your situation seems way overbearing im like you im a people pleaser and people who take advantage of others irk me.
Like midnightly said its her personality I HAD friends like that they no longer are a part of my life and I don't miss it.
You have 3 choices
1. bite your tongue -I do not advise this for your own sanity
2. Talk to your brother - although guarantee it wont change much other than when he talks to her she makes you look bad
3. Cut her out - if its dinner out don't go, if its a house party ignore her ways you already know what will happen she will come empty handed and expect to be spoonfed, with gift giving stop all together