Let's Discuss Life After Marriage!

[Lynn49]

Amira, there's an awfully big reward in developing a kind of serenity, and believe me, it didn't come to me early! I think it comes with time...with realizing that what we worry or fret or stress over only hurts us. I don't think the word "pretending" is accurate, nor do I think it's something to aspire to; I think of it as learning to develop the capacity of releasing one's ego and evolving into someone who can transcend perceived slights, yet expecting to be treated with the same respect that everyone deserves.

Ugh..my ipad is acting up...I'll continue my post when I can get to our computer...right now I've got a sleeping Jenny on me and I can't bring myself to wake her...

Okay...she's awake and I'm on our computer...where was I? Oh, right...so when I say releasing one's ego, it doesn't mean that other people have any right to push that person around or take them for granted. We all want the same things...to be heard, to be ackowledged and respected.

I'm also a firm believer that if I want something, I darn well let people know I want it! I don't feel other people have to be mind-readers, always wondering what my needs are...I pretty much spell them out. I was also fortunate to marry a man who instinctively treated me like the princess I am, lol, so that made it easier. Still....when a birthday or anniversary rolls around, he may find an empty bottle of perfume on his pillow or in his shoe! Just subtle hints sometimes work, too...
Does he listen and pay attention when I speak? You bet he does; the same way I pay attention when he speaks. Why wouldn't we? We're best friends, after-all.

As for being taken for granted, gosh, it seems to be a Mother's lot, doesn't it? We go from morning to night, and it seems the guys come home from work and want to plop themselves in front of their dinners, then tv shows! Never happened at our house. He had time to come home, freshen up, have dinner, then it was his time with his kids while I stacked the dishwasher and had a cup of tea all to myself. There was a time when I let it get away from me...when he was coaching basketball...Saturday morning practices!! I told him that his kids were starting to call him "uncle daddy", and that had to stop. It did. Because he knew it was asking too much of me to be a single parent while he marked papers after school during school nights, then left Saturday mornings. See? Mutual respect.

Well, gosh I do go on, don't I? Sorry 'bout that...but it really puts a twist in my knickers when women, wives, mothers, are treated like maids and housekeepers. Not that you are...but conversations like this just make me think of them and it makes me sad.....I'll gingerly hop off my soap-box now.

[MortgageQueen]

Amira. your mom sounds like a wonderful woman and certainly I agree worthy of imitation. I agree with Lynn. . . at some point or another every mom gets taken for granted. SOmetimes that's just part of providing a safe and secure environment for your child to grow up in.
As for our mates taking us for granted, we are all guilty of that too. More so men, but I believe that's in large because they are oblivious.

The key to that solution is "Teach him how you want to be treated". If you're waiting for him to be intuitive or have an "Aha!" moment. . . it'll be a long wait. Most men are actually relieved to actually know what they are supposed to do. They hate guess-work or worse. . . wondering what it was they did wrong!! Lol!

So as an example. . . . (this would apply to a typical "taking you for granted" attitude- Not an exception to the rule behavior) Hubby says at 10 pm,"Oh Honey, I'm sorry! I forgot to tell you I'm out of work pants. Can you wash some for me?"
Example of reply. "Oh shoot! I'm just about to have a hot bath. Not to worry though. It's easy to put a load in the washer. I'll tell you what to do."

Now some guys will either say, they'll just wear dirty pants and others might act like they can't understand simple instructions. . . That's the critical part. Let them wear dirty pants.

They may get in a snit, but they'll get over it and most importantly they learn. There's a million examples, but you can be kind and gracious while firmly making it known you deserve consideration and respect.

P.S. I believe this works with kids too. Lol!

[amira84]

I don't think the word "pretending" is accurate, nor do I think it's something to aspire to; I think of it as learning to develop the capacity of releasing one's ego and evolving into someone who can transcend perceived slights, yet expecting to be treated with the same respect that everyone deserves.

aaaahhhhaaa.... thanks Lynn for describing it in The Best words. I guess that writer has not done such a good job in explaining/using proper words for this part as you have done it. Thanks for that!

it's exactly what I wanted to say..... my mom is my idol and I want to be just like my idol!

And you have so many good advices especially that respecting each other. I am already loving your household and your lifestyle and how both of you built your relationship and grew old with each other. Very inspiring for me.

[Lynn49]

aaaahhhhaaa.... thanks Lynn for describing it in The Best words. I guess that writer has not done such a good job in explaining/using proper words for this part as you have done it. Thanks for that!

it's exactly what I wanted to say..... my mom is my idol and I want to be just like my idol!

And you have so many good advices especially that respecting each other. I am already loving your household and your lifestyle and how both of you built your relationship and grew old with each other. Very inspiring for me.

Thank you, Amira.
Our relationship has been years in the making...I've come a long way from that 20-year old bride who went straight from her Parent's home into her own home...alone in another town. Although some things never change: when anyone asks my hubby if he wants to golf or curl in a tournament, he still says, "Sounds good...I'll ask Lynn if I want to go...."....lol...knowing him, we all realize it's just his way of asking me if we have other plans...lol.

As for some guys changing into a jerk after marriage....IMHO, I feel there are signs they've been that prior to their marriages, but women, for whatever reasons personal to them, ignore them and keep their fingers crossed that "they'll change". They probably won't.

Like MQ and I said....ASK for what you want...let him know how you feel. Some guys need more information than others (read: stronger kick in the pants!). However long it takes, it's better than turning into a bitter, self-martyred woman.....we've all met those, right?

Have a lovely day, Sweetheart!

[SnowFlakey]

Amia, I didnt settle. I waited for what i wanted, not for what i thought i wanted. I was the last of my group of friends to get married; they have all divorced their first husbands and some even their second husbands.

[DiamondLil]

I agree with the most part on the article. I do think we should be kinder to our spouses and to our children. Usually, were nice to our colleagues, our friends and our clients (even if we are having a crappy day) but b**ch at our spouses or snap at them or our kids. It has taken me a while, but I now know if I can be pleasant to people that dont matter even at the worst of times, I should make an effort to be pleasant at home to the ones that matter the most.

I do have an advantage, my husband and my kids are awesome. I didnt marry an a**h**e, as someone put it. But too many people marry the wrong people, people that are mean, rude, inconsiderate, just plain A**H**ES thinking that they can change them. People dont change. If the man or woman you are with is an a**h**e, theyre always going to be an a**h**e.

But to get back to the point.... life after marriage is really what you put into it. I have a great guy, but I'd be lying if I said we never had any rough times or patches in our marriage. But if you talk about stuff and deal with it rather than internalizing it and allowing it to grow into resentment, it does help. Also it is tremendously helpful to pick your battles. Having a fight because the towels are on the floor or because there are dirty cups or dishes on the table or the sink is not worth the stress.

[SnowFlakey]

I think every woman who gets married should also have a dog training manual. lol In other words, a little kindness (rewards in the form of praise, etc) goes a long way.