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Thread: So Friends. . . where do I go from here? . .

  1. #16
    Awake. TaraF's Avatar
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    MQ I am so sorry that you have to go through this. There has been a lot of great advice offered here, the only thing I can say is "don't try to be the hero". I know you love your Mom and I'm sure you would go to the ends of the earth for her, but I'm sure she also wouldn't want you to turn your world upside down to take care of her 24/7. Especially when there are other solutions that would probably be better suited for her situation.

    Having said that, be her advocate and get her to the Dr's for the tests you feel she needs. And make sure you get POA as soon as you can, before things progress any further.
    Last edited by TaraF; Mon, Feb 15th, 2016 at 04:43 PM.

  2. #17
    Sith Lady and Cool Kid Darth Penguin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TaraF View Post
    MQ I am so sorry that you have to go through this. There has been a lot of great advice offered here, the only thing I can say is "don't try to be the hero". I know you love your Mom and I'm sure you would go to the ends of the earth for her, but I'm sure she also wouldn't want you to turn your world upside down to take care of her 24/7. Especiallywhen there are other solutions that would probably be better suited for her situation.

    Having said that, be her advocate and get her to the Dr's for the tests you feel she needs. And make sure you get POA as soon as you can, before things progress any further.
    +1..


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  3. #18
    Luv Saving People Money MortgageQueen's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone. It really helps to get such a cross section of opinions.
    My mom has nothing much in the way of money. She does have a will.

    I am going to spend some time with her tomorrow and broach the subject of a POA. I really think it depends on the day with her. SOme days she's sweet as a lamb (herself) Others, she's paranoid. I talked to her today on the phone and she was pretty good.

    It will be a day by day thing. I have a call into the geriatric specialist and the Community Nurse advocate. I intend to check out some of the nursing homes after I've spoken to them. I know she's not ready for it yet, but my concern is how "fast" this may progress. . . so I know I have to get things in place.

    Hopefully I'll find the strength within myself to make good decisions. I'd just as soon cut off my arm as put her in a Home. That's my biggest struggle.
    A friend in my congregation just had to admit his wife to a home. I could see the pain on his face when he said he visited her and she asked him to take her home. aarrrgh. . . He kept her at home til the very end though, which I admire him vastly for.

    What I can say is I've been extremely fortunate to have mom til she's almost 85 years. It seems every week she tells me something new about her past. . .some story or something I never knew.

    How much do we really know about our parents? What their youth was like or what they dreamed of? . .

    What I love about Mom and me is we love to laugh and tease, so I try to keep the humour flowing. It seems to help most days.

    Thanks again for all your kind thoughts and advice.

  4. #19
    Canadian Genius Skippy's Avatar
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    I'm at a loss for words although I know your Mother is blessed to have you as a daughter.I will keep you both in prayer.
    Always remember the What are you thankful for today? thread as there always is something to be thankful for.

  5. #20
    Smart Canuck SnowFlakey's Avatar
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    Everyone had great advice and im sure that will help you decide what to do. You need to get a full medical assessment on your mother, talk to her doctor and ask him what would be the best thing for your mother in the long term. There are agencies that can help you with your decision making. In Québec, we have the CLSC which provides Social Services on all levels, including home care, etc.

    Placing your mother in a home should be the last recourse but only if you cant manage to look after her yourself or with help. You need to remember that your mother can hurt herself and/or others. It is never easy and the guilt of having to place your mother will eat you up. For that, i suggest that you see a psychologist to help you deal with the guilt. You need to take care of yourself otherwise you will not be able to help your mother.

    My dad had alzheimers. My mom decided to look after him at home. It was a big challenge. He was her full time occupation. People with alzheimers or dementia not only deal with confusion or memory loss, they can also be aggressive and arguementative and extremely crafty. My dad would sneak out of the house at all hours, day or night. We had the neighbours looking for him, my mom called me tons of times at work because dad was missing and could i come home, etc. He would stand on corners and beg for money, pee in my moms cooking pots, start the stove or kettle and leave, wouldnt eat what was cooked but then would open cans and eat what what ever was in the cans. He would go to the neighbours and beg for food. It was horrible, horrible! and embarrassing. My mom would have been better off placing him in a home but being from the Old Country, she figured her duty was to look after him until the bitter end. When my dad finally ended up in a hospital, i hate to say it, but it was a relief for everyone concerned. My mom had aged drastically.

  6. #21
    Mastermind Lynn49's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MortgageQueen View Post
    Thanks everyone. It really helps to get such a cross section of opinions.
    My mom has nothing much in the way of money. She does have a will.

    I am going to spend some time with her tomorrow and broach the subject of a POA. I really think it depends on the day with her. SOme days she's sweet as a lamb (herself) Others, she's paranoid. I talked to her today on the phone and she was pretty good.

    It will be a day by day thing. I have a call into the geriatric specialist and the Community Nurse advocate. I intend to check out some of the nursing homes after I've spoken to them. I know she's not ready for it yet, but my concern is how "fast" this may progress. . . so I know I have to get things in place.

    Hopefully I'll find the strength within myself to make good decisions. I'd just as soon cut off my arm as put her in a Home. That's my biggest struggle.
    A friend in my congregation just had to admit his wife to a home. I could see the pain on his face when he said he visited her and she asked him to take her home. aarrrgh. . . He kept her at home til the very end though, which I admire him vastly for.

    What I can say is I've been extremely fortunate to have mom til she's almost 85 years. It seems every week she tells me something new about her past. . .some story or something I never knew.

    How much do we really know about our parents? What their youth was like or what they dreamed of? . .

    What I love about Mom and me is we love to laugh and tease, so I try to keep the humour flowing. It seems to help most days.

    Thanks again for all your kind thoughts and advice.
    MQ, I know you'll make the best possible choices for your beloved Mom, bless your heart. One thing, I think, Avon, touched on, were the mood changes, the suspicions they develop. Later in her progression, my Mom (who lived with us then) accused me of stealing her jewelry pieces (they were still there, I showed them to her, but to no avail), stealing money, and it was heartbreaking to think that she would ever think I'd do something like that, even though I knew it was the disease talking, and not her.
    There is also something called, "Sundowners Syndrome", in the early evening, which my Mom also had, thinking there were "people" outside her door talking about her, or outside her bedroom window; I reassured her that I called the police and they said no one was outside and that they'd keep an eye on things out there, and if anyone entered the house through security there would be a very loud noise, not to mention our dog barking loudly. Each time, that was enough to quiet her fears, poor dove.

    As for looking in to nursing homes, yes, this disease progresses rapidly from the onset, and having her name in a few places, on a list, would be helpful; you may need it earlier than you think. Also if it's like it is here, once you decline a place, you go to the bottom of the waiting list again....

    Where is she now, on her own? Mia reminded me of why we took her in, in the first place: she'd forget to hang up the phone after we'd chat and it would ring and ring...I'd have to drive over to her apartment (after she sold their home) and yep...phone was off the hook. When we did take her in, there was no sign of alzeimer's disease, she was herself, and for the most part, we enjoyed having her with us, and particularly our DD and our Friends...our DD and her were a pair!! Looking back, her little "moods" were probably the start of it all...wish we had known then...

    All the very best, MQ...we're all here for you...
    Last edited by Lynn49; Tue, Feb 16th, 2016 at 11:45 AM.



  7. #22
    Luv Saving People Money MortgageQueen's Avatar
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    You guys are a fount of knowledge for sure! That's interesting about Sundowner Syndrome Lynne. Thanks for bringing that up. I think it will be very helpful.
    I still haven't broached the power of attorney with her yet. She hasn't been feeling well last couple days. Better to do when she's in a good mood.
    Little tidbit for anyone looking at Homes. You can actually check online the Provincial inspections and investigations into every nursing home. You can read the full report and see what written warnings they've received, issues with inspections, etc.
    Although I warn you, it's a bit discouraging. Of the 3 local homes, only One seems acceptable.
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  8. #23
    2y uterine cancer free Mia001's Avatar
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    MQ, that's the biggest problem , i mean, the good care home , and that's why mom i an hour away from me

    we visited several one with mom,she new she was no longer able to live on her own and she need too much care to take her with us

    hoping you find a good one , i'll pray for you both
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    Thank's to DH who told me the grumpy Garfield was not at all representative of who i am

  9. #24
    Luv Saving People Money MortgageQueen's Avatar
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    Just as a public service message. . .

    If anyone is taking these medications and are female, you have over a 77% chance of developing dementia early!

    Prescription of omeprazole, pantoprazole, lansoprazole, esomeprazole, or rabeprazole.

    http://archneur.jamanetwork.com/arti...icleid=2487379
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  10. #25
    Luv Saving People Money MortgageQueen's Avatar
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    Double post. sorry

  11. #26
    Canadian Genius harbie's Avatar
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    Thanks for the link @MortgageQueen . My mom takes Nexium which contains esomeprazole. While she doesn't take it daily I think I will be having a chat with her about it.
    Last edited by harbie; Thu, Feb 25th, 2016 at 11:07 AM.
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  12. #27
    Canadian Genius Skippy's Avatar
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    Praying for you and yours and a solution to be found.
    MortgageQueen and Davetherave like this.
    Always remember the What are you thankful for today? thread as there always is something to be thankful for.

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