May 2016 Frugal Chatter - ALL WELCOME

[jasperandchar]

Ladies I need your advice, as I have mentioned money is an issue lately, I cannot get our budget to balance. I am fortune that I do have an emergency fund and money tucked away. My issue is I feel we need live within what we make and we cannot just keep spending the emergency money and bailing ourselves out because let's face it I have no way to build our emergency fund back up.

Mom feels we are in an emergency with her hours and we need to start using this money but I am worried there is no end in sight to our current situation and no we cannot use the money unless there is an emergency (ie an appliance breaking, something that is unforeseen). Mom is now getting mad at me when I say we are out of money and says I have money I am just not willing to spend.

I currently take my pay and budget it out and this is what we need to live off. Yes there are times that are tight right now until my next pay the only groceries we are buying are Milk, Bread and I grabbed some fruit but we aren't going hungry we just don;t have all the option we used to have. Am I being unreasonable?

@SassyAshley I am going to be blunt because you asked for our advice.

Your $ is your $ not shared $, you have been supporting your mom or so it sounds for a very long time and have been playing the parent role as well.

She needs to accept the choices you make. It doesn't sound like she will be in a position to repay you for her share of expenses to day and if that was even a conversation before you flipped the bill(s) for so many years.

Your mom needs to worry about her finances and not yours as the $ is not hers to decide on what the $ should be spent on, just my 2 cents.

As for the dishes not being done etc, that's just childish, we all have I hate my life days, weeks, months but things still need to get done. I've been in a rut all week and I still had things I absolutely had to do.

I know you don't like conflict but she avoids dealing with household chores (organizing your house etc) find excuses for whatever reason and she needs to realize that this cannot go on.

I hope I haven't offended you, life is not easy but I certainly wouldn't be letting my room whether she's my mom or not tell me that we need to dip into my savings/emergency funds.

Like I said before you someday will probably get married, have kids if you wish AND will not be in a position to continue on the path you are doing and if you do, it could be a large fracture in your marriage.

Why isn't she approaching your brother, I know he doesn't live with you but why are you always the 1 to rescue her, perhaps that should be pointed out. I'm not sure your brother would give her $ but that's not the point.

Think about it, choose your words carefully as they cannot be taken back BUT something has to give.

Good luck

[jasperandchar]

And if I may add perhaps in your uncomfortable conversation she needs to realize that the "emergency" is not necessarily your finances but her dependence on you and she needs to seek help, whether talking to a counsellor, a credit counselling agency etc.

I know this may seem harsh but from my eyes she needs to do something to change her behaviour towards SassyAshley the debit machine and focus on reclaiming her life, I don't know her age but it can't make her feel good depending on her child to cover her expenses (or maybe she doesn't know any different) BUT getting angry when you say no is not an acceptable behaviour.

[lizzie bargain]

SA-you are not being selfish at all. I agree with what JnC says-would your Mum be entitled to any social assistance since her income is so low? Anyway IMHO she absolutely cannot dictate how you choose to spend your savings( I would just tell her that is not up for discussion and walk away if necessary)-sorry to say but this does not sound like the healthiest relationship and as J and C said if you were living apart with your own family you would not be able to help her as much as you do. As it is,you do her dishes and laundry and she needs to step it up-you are working FT+++. Sorry for also being so blunt but you did ask our opinions! I think she is not used to you setting your boundaries but she will have to adapt-and seeing a counsellor would be good for her too. If you have some equity in the house it may be time to sell and then you can each rent your own places and that way you can keep your kitchen as tidy as you like it. It does not sound like this roomate relationship is sustainable in the long term?

On a positive note we are going to celebrate Mother's Day today and head out for a hike and lunch in the mountains. Yesterday I was able to help in a small way for the fire victims-heard of a 2 year old evacuated here and needing clothes so got some donated from a friend and took them to another friend who will deliver. Just a small gesture and I will do more. Would really like to volunteer in one of the evacuation centres nearby but they say they don't need volunteers-anyway perhaps later they will or can make a $ donation.

[Angela273]

Ok, I'm going to try to keep this brief.

Thursday I received a call from the vascular surgeon in London, ON. He has reviewed my test results and offered to do one uninvasive surgery that he thinks would help, which I was initially quite excited about. I'll need provincial approval first. The province should pay for the procedure because it is not available in SK. Dh and I aren't sure if it would be enough to help. Still doing research and going to ask him more questions by email. If we do just this procedure, I'd be out there for about 5 days. Transportation, hotel, food, etc would all be my bill.

Friday afternoon I received a phone call from the flouist who was making sure I'd be home for the deliver. It was a large bouquet of long stemmed red roses in a large vase. The card listed the names of our 3 children. 10min later my cell phone rang. Our 3yr old son won the Mother's Day contest at the CO-OP by drawing a picture of the two of us together. Tomorrow we will pick up the free roast chicken, salad, dinner buns, cake, and bouquet of flowers. He will also receive a colouring book with markers. I felt pretty spoiled. I get flowers maybe once a year, so getting flowers twice in one weekend is a first for me.

tonight we are having a couple over for an early BBQ. I'm hoping the air quality stays ok. I'm watching the news and online for updates on the fire, like most people.

[Frugalbigmama]

Good day everyone. Had a great evening out with friends. We ended up eating at the casino with our free comps before seeing Jason Derulo ( free tickets) Launrdry is going well. Putting it away as I go. 1 bathroom cleaned so far. Kitchen is clean from breakfast. Once the last load is in dryer I will jump in the shower then get my honey and go roam around town, grab a free coffee with McDonald's cards I traded for . Have a great day.

[coupon girl]

sassy -wow its got to be hard but what you have saved should not be up for discussion
-my mom lived with us for 6 and a half years mind you she moved in at age 85 -but if we ordered out -the next time mom would say a month later I will get this treat or she would buy groceries the odd time -when I worked part-time she even did the dishes the odd time -mind you I gave her heck when I came home -at her age she shouldn't have been standing -so I don't know if your mom is in her 60'or older but there should be no excuse for dishes etc like jasper said we all have bad days but we trudge along doing everyday chores (and its not always easy living with a parent -but I was the only one to take mom in )and I don't regret it at all -my doctor even told me to think long and hard about taking her in but I didn't -so best of luck to you hon

[SassyAshley]

Thank you everyone, My mom is in her early 50s, she was young when she had me so in a lot of ways we ended up growing up together.

Do not get me wrong I loved my Nanny (my mom's mom) but since her passing you can really see how the things she did, did not help my Mom and Uncle. My Nanny was always there to bail them out with $$$$ and with us since she took care of me when I was young she also cleaned our house. She did not want me to have to get up early so she would come to our house and clean well I slept in. Both of us were spoiled, Nanny took care of everything, she owned our house and paid most of the bills on the house, she cleaned our house, something broke she replaced it, came up short on money she gave it.

It just always seems to be assumed I would be the one to take care of Mom. I am a saver where is my brother is a spender like Mom. So I was always the one with "extra" money and the one who makes it work.

It is funny how those close to you see you. All of my sibs except me live with my Dad and Step Mom and everything is covered as far as house expenses and a lot of household things (cooking & cleaning) are taken care of. I believe each one has a chore they have to do weekly, floors, yard work and so on. But some how I am seen as the spoiled one, the one who needs to learn responsibility.

As for my Mom I swear I am forever 13 in her eyes, she sees me as selfish, lazy. I am still that 13 year old who wouldn't do her chores, spent my days doing what I wanted and not the reality of everything I take on. It is like Friday she is sending me angry text because I am trying to plan Mother's Day, in my defense she thought she would be working as normally she would work this Sunday and did not find out until Thursday she was off, but instead of seeing this I was getting told how horrible me and my bro are for planning it last minute. Bro has been no help, his help is "I'll pay, you plan" he then ended up mad at me as well because I did not have a plan.

I just do not know, it seems like whenever things are going well something like this happens where I just get knocked down. I admit as a teen I did not see what I was doing but now my family are still the people that can make me question myself. They are the ones who should know you the best so when they say something like do you see what your doing then I start to question myself and am I being unreasonable.

I get it her life sucks but reality is I am right there with her. I am 32 single, no kids, work my butt off and cannot seem to get ahead. It is like the fight we had last week where I said I was worn down and what I would give for a day off. Mom's remark take a day off. Um yeah so where are we getting the money for the mortgage. Or the other day talking about my car and she brought up it was 2009, um yeah I know but my car is paid for and if I had a car payment we would be sunk right now. Things like this drive me insane, I am doing everything to keep us afloat, I do not enjoy working 10 hour days but if I don't we don't pay our mortgage.

Sorry for the rant, I am just feeling very knocked down right now. Have a great evening everyone.

[Angela273]

SassyAshley, families can be hard to deal with. Most of us have dysfunctional families to one extent or another. It isn't always easy, knowing that others have their own family situations can help or even make you feel lonely. I have 5 brothers and sisters, plus 2 adult step-siblings, but I have very different relationships with most of them. I was raised by my dad, along with my older brother and sister. Out of the 3 of us I have always been the saver, shopped sales, used coupons, etc. I have financially bailed out family members while attending university, without university financial assistance from my parents. We all do the best that we can given our situations, and try to progress to the future. I hope things turn around for you.

[Granger]

Don't have time to comment too specifically tonight. SA the advice about boundaries is good. I read this book a while back, https://www.amazon.ca/Boundaries-Whe.../dp/0310247454, the authors are Christian, but it was recommended to me by a friend who is an atheist. I found it helped with my relationship with my mom.

Tomorrow I am hosting 10 family members in addition to my own for a BBQ. It took a couple of hours today, but I am organized enough that it shouldn't be too much work. I also picked a bouquet for the table from the garden!

Happy Mother's Day. Special hugs to those of you who are missing a child or mum that is no longer with you.

[jasperandchar]

@SassyAshley it sounds like your mom has been enabled for a very long time.

It's 1 thing for her mom to have done it BUT it's not right for you to enable her. Enabling is not always related to a substance addiction it also is where people feel entitled.

We've given you advice now whether or not you choose to accept some of it is entirely up to you, however, if you don't draw the line at some point, her expectations will always be the same.

Saying "NO" gets easier with practice.

I think perhaps the next time you see your life coach this needs to front and centre and seek his/her advice.

Best of luck and sometimes last minute plans are the best just saying

[jasperandchar]

@Angela273 good luck with your research, I'm sure if the procedure is worthwhile the expenses will be well worth it and I'm sure could be claimed somehow on your income tax.

Your son must be a great drawer, congrats on his special win and the free meal w/ flowers, don't forget to take a picture for his scrap book

[SassyAshley]

Angela congrats to your little guy on winning the drawing contest. Hopefully you get all the answer you need from the doctor.

Nancy I have been saying No and I am much happier, she is not. I think i need to look at this as a child who is not used to hearing no.

Well today has been fun. My car is now clean except for the windows which I did not realize until after I cleaned the seat and they were wet that I forgot to do the windows.

Apparently all is well in the world now that I said I would make homemade pizza for dinner.

Also very weird at least to me, I have made a number of sales on the selling site but they are all to people I work with so I will bring the items to the office on Monday.

Also I decided not to clean the kitchen. I cleaned my car and did the laundry and that is enough for today.

Tomorrow we will meet bro at a local Japanese restaurant Mom likes for lunch, hopefully it won't be too busy and Bro will be happy as he gets his sushi and bonus is he is picking up the cheque since I made the arrangements.

[Frugalbigmama]

Laundry is almost done! Towels in dryer so easy to fold and put away. Winter jackets in wash and easy to hang up to dry. Dinner is fahitas. Smells so good! Tonight is a relax on the couch and cuddle and watch tv/ movie night.

[lilo0003]

Ashley: lots of good advice form the others, my 1st thought as I read this is this is your emergency fund not hers. I have loaned both my parents and my brother money and I swear I was adopted. How is it that I am so good at saving and panning and they are not.
Our happy news as a result of saving is DH bought his car today. It the 1stbrand new car he has ever owned and it's exactly the one he wanted. The cash is in the bank and we drive it off the lot free and clear. What a feeling.

[jasperandchar]

Ashley: lots of good advice form the others, my 1st thought as I read this is this is your emergency fund not hers. I have loaned both my parents and my brother money and I swear I was adopted. How is it that I am so good at saving and panning and they are not.
Our happy news as a result of saving is DH bought his car today. It the 1stbrand new car he has ever owned and it's exactly the one he wanted. The cash is in the bank and we drive it off the lot free and clear. What a feeling.