Coping with holidays/social events while bereaved or grieving

[Ciel]

It happens that I was unaware of the Dec. 14 event by Bereaved Familes of Ontario for Hamilton-saw it in the community newspaper wrap that night. http://bfoscr.ca/events.html

The folk choir that sung most of the memorial service (Dec. 12 funeral home event) with two acoustic guitars was simply awesome. There were two songs I don't know and I found one song via Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvpjxfWrjzY&nohtml5=1 On Eagle's Wings
I was in tears some of the time. Kind of interesting. There was a medley of Christmas carols which I noticed some of us sang along to. Refreshments and sharing afterwards occurred in another room. I was surprised by the bags everyone got-branded water bottle, tissues, pen, wall calendar, tiny shoe polish sponge applicator (round disk), mints, program plus a white taper candle with glass holder (holders were collected after the service) and a tribute tag everyone used to write the names of persons they were remembering that night -the tags were placed on the lovely green & gold Christmas tree. Candles were lit for a few minutes and there were some poems and a short talk. All in all, the event was a time to feel.

I intend to go to next year's event.

Thanks for sharing events and personal stories, everyone! Grief is a personal journey for everyone.

[Lynn49]

@Ciel , "On Angels' Wings" was one hymn I could barely get through without crying....it's beautiful. I'm so happy for you, that you went to that memorial service and remembered, felt...I hope it brought you peace this Christmas season.

[Ciel]

@Lynn49 -I found the event very moving and a good way to remember those who passed away, even if I had not seen them.
This song was one of the ones that just caused tears to flow. I cannot say why specifically but I felt fine crying. Admired the choir for singing their best all the way through. One member let me know her parents have passed but she still feels connected with them.

[Skippy]

Feel free to post and whoever is around will lend a listening ear.You do not have to go through this alone,many of us have experienced this too.

[Ciel]

Virtual Hospice just tweeted some resources through a link on their site for coping with grief during the holidays:

http://mailchi.mp/virtualhospice/happy-holidays

While getting groceries this morning, I happen to overhear a store employee talk with another customer-both experienced the deaths of loved ones in the past few years at this time of year.

[cath007]

I tought I will share this here not on my Facebook .I dont want my familly and friends to read it and be sad for me.I used to love Christmas and was a positive person.I am a positive person on SC but in the Hollidays time it is difficult for me.I loved Christmas when I was a child.I loved the Christmas tree,the familly ,the food ,the gifts,.....But since 10 years I lost my mother by an pulmonary embollys*embolie pulmonaire* at 57 years old .I was 22 years old at the moment.3 and a half years ago I lost my brother at 30 years old ....He commited suicide.I still have my father but every Christmas is not the same without my mother and brother.Since 10 years .at Christmas I am in tears,and vomitting...and I hated Christmas since this took away the 2 loved ones from me.I am so tired of this.....so tired....I miss my mother and her talks so much,I start to forget here and that scare me and miss my brother too...I had those nasty pictures of theirs dead often in my head.

[Natalka]

Big hugs for you @cath007

[flemeth]

@cath007 sending you a great big bear hugs its never easy for any of us you loss our loved ones but I am sure there were there in spirit

[Skippy]

I tought I will share this here not on my Facebook .I dont want my familly and friends to read it and be sad for me.I used to love Christmas and was a positive person.I am a positive person on SC but in the Hollidays time it is difficult for me.I loved Christmas when I was a child.I loved the Christmas tree,the familly ,the food ,the gifts,.....But since 10 years I lost my mother by an pulmonary embollys*embolie pulmonaire* at 57 years old .I was 22 years old at the moment.3 and a half years ago I lost my brother at 30 years old ....He commited suicide.I still have my father but every Christmas is not the same without my mother and brother.Since 10 years .at Christmas I am in tears,and vomitting...and I hated Christmas since this took away the 2 loved ones from me.I am so tired of this.....so tired....I miss my mother and her talks so much,I start to forget here and that scare me and miss my brother too...I had those nasty pictures of theirs dead often in my head.

Thank you for sharing and for being so honest with us.It is indeed the most difficult time of the year for many of us.Rather than happy Norman Rockwell pictures of perfect family dinners we are faced with reality.My heart goes out to you and the difficulties you are dealing with.
Perhaps you should consider talking to someone? Your local United Way should be able to direct you to the right service provider in your area http://www.unitedway.ca/how-we-help/211-2/ or the Canadian Mental Health Association https://cmha.ca/.
Remember you are never alone,even in those darkest times(I say this as much for myself as I do for you).
May you know much grace,peace,comfort,strength and love now and in the days ahead.

[Lynn49]

@cath007 , absolutely it's horribly difficult this time of year, and you were so young to have lost your Mother. I lost my parents of course since I'm an old lady now, too, lost my Brother last year to complications of years of diabetes, my best Friend of 25 years, just a few years ago, and I do have some sad days, still.

But. IF I picture leaving behind my beloved Daughter and seeing her hating Christmas, sobbing, reflecting back on our joyous holidays, not with happy memories, but making herself sick with grief, I'd want to come back and smack her upside the head! How dare she throw away opportunities for joy, for celebrations, toss happy memories into the garbage that WE shared with her?!

Please reflect back with love, know they would want you to be happy, my Dear.

[Ciel]

@cath007 -you also had the loss of your grandmother too just over a year ago but I know you feel the loss of your mother the most. Hugs to you for sharing your grief. @Lynn49 -useful perspectives given your lived experiences. Thank you.

Mention of a book title found in the December 2017 issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine in an article about grief during the Christmas season:
Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (2015)

I have requested it through the Hamilton Public Library; I will share some ideas from it once I get the book and read it through.

Last week, at the Westdale library branch, I picked up a card about the 100% Certainty Project-Death: Something to talk about. Website is talkingaboutdeath.ca There are three books listed for 2017 reading and you can also access the 2016 title summaries through the Past Books tab.

Hamilton and Mississauga have two events this month. I was not aware that April has a National Advance Care Planning Day. http://www.talkaboutdeath.ca/upcomingevents/

[Ciel]

In today's Ancaster News is a Dundas church ad for their upcoming grief support program (Thursday nights beginning in February): http://gracevalleychurch.ca/griefsha...support-group/

I do not know if there is a fee attached to the program.

[Ciel]

Passed and Present-divides its ideas into things to do with items left by the deceased (craft or repurpose or edit items and let go of the rest), how to use social media/technology to remember the deceased (i.e. TBT or Throwback Thursday could be a way to post an old photo of the deceased showing him or her doing something they enjoyed), and commemorative travel (following a relation's exact journey or taking a trip where the purpose is to remember them in a public or private way).

The book is small and can be read within 2 hours. I took time to read all of the acknowledgements as the author sometimes found tips via others who knew someone familiar with the idea or topic. Never know where inspiration comes from.

The main useful thing from the book is the phrase used by one expert-he talks about "tasks of mourning" in that those experiencing grief do better when they are actively doing something with their grief.

The author herself mentions how many years she held onto her parents possessions before she explored ways to remember them but not necessarily keep everything. She felt compelled to write this book because she noticed a gap in books telling people experiencing grief on how to remember the people they loved who had passed away.

The book would make a good reference item for anyone pondering what to do with possessions. The author suggests picking one idea and letting time tell the person when to try it out.

[Ciel]

Tonight at the Central Library of the Hamilton Public Library, an author on grief will speak at 7pm. Event was in today's Hamilton Spectator as part of the 100% Certainty project and the paper also ran a large feature item on death-how it's not talked about in Western society.

[Darth Penguin]

we kept a low key Christmas this year. Few decorations and a new menu.

The brood decorated the tree Christmas Eve with mainly old stuff but some new ones bought to celebrate not only each of us but the whole family. I bought penguins and Star Wars for me, we had Pokemon and Mario, Iron Man, Wonder Woman along side the balls, bells and reindeer, tinsel and lights.

Christmas dinner was beef. Like last year. Last year I hadn't wanted the penguinettes to to be responsible for a full turkey and trimmings dinner alone, so I opted for beef which I could cook once I returned from spending the day at Mr P's bedside.

It turned out they all preferred beef so that's now our new Christmas dinner.

We spent a couple of days at my in-laws along with P1's boy-friend. That was a nice break from home.

NYE was hard.