Gifts for the thoughtless

[Minou]

I generally love buying gifts and making them amazing with all of the good deals I pick up. I love wrapping them and making them beautiful. I enjoy making special gift bags for different occasions and finding reasons to give little gifts to those I appreciate.

Here's the thing...

My husband has a large extended family. When we started dating more than ten years ago, we'd have at least one event a weekend that we'd need to attend for cousins, cousins' children, aunts and uncles, etc. Coming from a small family, the constant events were quite a strain on my introverted self! Anyway, I fulfilled the family expectations. Bought gifts and attended events. Sent baby gifts (shower or not) and attended wedding showers for distant relatives of my husband's. Attended prayers and funerals and 40-day after events, even when out of town. Baked and helped with wedding and baby showers.

Anyway, we were quite surprised when only one of my husband's many "close" cousins recognized the birth of our first child almost three years ago. There was not a shower for our son. My mother had passed away a month and a half before his birth, so it was not the time for showers. What really surprised us was that we continued to receive invitations to events requiring us to purchase gifts for his cousins' children! This from people whose children have always received gifts from us! One of the female cousins was pregnant at the time and constantly talking about what she wanted for her shower! This was the cousin whose bridal shower I had provided significant help and a whole lot of baking for the summer before! (I decided not to attend the baby shower, and sent a small gift along to the shower instead. Boy, was that a scandal! ;-) )

We were certainly able to afford whatever our son needed, but the lack of thoughtfulness really hurt! The one cousin who did recognize our first son's birth is having a baby shower for his daughter this month. We already dropped off a gift in the first week she was home, but will also be giving the most beautiful gift we can for the shower. This cousin and his wife were also the only cousins to recognize the birth of our second son a month and a half ago.

So, what do I do about the other cousins? There will certainly be a lot of other babies born to my husband's numerous cousins. I'm a generous person, but something in me now rails at the thought of buying them gifts. It annoys me as well that I'll be made into a black sheep by the family if I don't attend these events! Maybe I should just leave it up to my husband!


What would you do?

[Shwa Girl]

I don't know the family dynamics.
You stated that you "need to attend"
What would happen if you and your husband cut back on some? pick and choose the closest family members to give gifts to?

Again, I don't know much about your family and the extended family, so if I'm way off, sorry.

[Ecochick]

People are thoughtless, you are not.

I have a gift giving budget, x amount of dollars per month. I try to always gift, but I do not go over my budget.

As for shower gifts, I chose not to have a shower; but that doesn't mean I would stop giving shower gifts. People may just have forgotten to give your family a gift, since there was no actual shower. As I said people are thoughtless, especially inlaws.

[Darth Penguin]

From a purely equiette point of view, you are not obliged to attend any of these events or to send a gift.

A polite "thank you but" letter is the bare minimum you need to send.

If I was in your position, I would attend the showers/weddings/christenings/funerals of only the immideate family of your husands and your familiy..ie parents and siblings events.

Extended family ...only if you like them otherwise you are going to be the family baker/organiser/slave....

You might find a site like E-hell useful in gaining perspective on how to politely and firmly refuse...and better still..not feel guilty about it.

[Insane]

From a purely equiette point of view, you are not obliged to attend any of these events or to send a gift.

A polite "thank you but" letter is the bare minimum you need to send.

If I was in your position, I would attend the showers/weddings/christenings/funerals of only the immideate family of your husands and your familiy..ie parents and siblings events.

Extended family ...only if you like them otherwise you are going to be the family baker/organiser/slave....

You might find a site like E-hell useful in gaining perspective on how to politely and firmly refuse...and better still..not feel guilty about it.

I agree. Immediate family should be your focus. I would leave out extended family unless there is a special connection there.

[bargain_hunter_lola]

I can totally relate. The same thing happened to me. DH has a huge family (5 siblings and over 50 cousins, endless aunt/uncles/2nd cousins) who are all fairly "close".

We've attended so many events and have given so many gifts over the years, but when we got married few people came and the ones that did didn't bother with a gift (well most didn't). Then the same thing happened with our DD's baby shower.

Now, I only go to events of people we are actually close to. I'd say about 10-12 in total.

I think the number of thoughtless people is just ridiculous. It's like manners and etiquette has been completely forgotten by a lot of people. Out of all the gift I bought over the years for DH's extended family, I received maybe 5 thank you cards.

[Samba-Jane]

I guess this just shows their true colors. You could always say no to invitations in a nice way. There will always be people who will be nice to you just because they could get something from you. Also, the gift is not as important as the thought that your baby's birth has been remembered. Just a congratulatory greeting is enough. And they shouldn't expect that every time they invite you for showers, you would bring gifts.

[Minou]

Thanks for your feedback. I completely agree with you about focusing on more immediate family. Years ago, my husband didn't even know what "immediate" family meant, as he had lived so long with the constant events involving aunts, uncles, and cousins! He used to tell me that not attending something was considered "a slap in the face". I used to hear that expression often. Since DS #1 was born, we certainly have been picking and choosing the events we go to,and people are constantly asking (and often asking snidely, from what we've heard) his father and sister why we aren't at a particular event (like a Sunday evening tenth birthday party for his eldest cousin's son or daughter)

Anyway, the shower for the baby whose parents (my husband's cousin and his wife) were very generous in acknowleging the births of both our sons is tomorrow. I've made up a big, beautiful basket complete with a wicker basket, tulle, and a ribbon bow. The thing looks massive all wrapped up. I found lots of great sales on clothing in larger sizes for the little one at Gymboree, Sears, and The Children's Place I even found a pair of pink Robeez 12-18 month soft soles that were on sale for $10 on Robeez.com after Christmas. So much fun! I just think that people who were so kind to our little ones should have lots of gifts from us for theirs!

Thanks again for your comments. It's good to know that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. It just feels like there's such a double standard, and it's hard for me to accept!

[Shwa Girl]

Minou, you may have to bear the snide remarks for a little while. But then, they will find something or someone else to focus on. Hang in there.

We have been there too.

[marstec]

Good advice so far...I would cut back on the events too. These people know from experience that you will give a nice gift, that's why they invite you. They sure don't show much respect when they fail to return the favor.

My mother-in-law often comments that my three children are the only grandchildren (out of 15) who bother to mail her thank-you cards. Remember, people can only take advantage of you if you let them...

[Denna b]

All i can say is "what goes around comes around".

[Shwa Girl]

My mother-in-law often comments that my three children are the only grandchildren (out of 15) who bother to mail her thank-you cards. Remember, people can only take advantage of you if you let them...

Great that you remind your children to send a thank you card. Such a small gesture is always appreciated. Some people I know keep their thank you cards and display them for their visitors to see. You can tell that they are very appreciative when the recipient of a gift takes the time to send the card, make a phone call to say thanks or even send a thank you e-mail. Still, the snail mail thank you card tops them all, IMHO.

[safielstar]

We've been there too, and sympathize, but our situation was not with family members, even extended family (they're strangely good with being thoughtful in terms of gift-giving). Our issue was with our friends; we attended so many weddings, showers, get-togethers for birthdays, parties for their children, and given gifts for all those, few of which ever were reciprocated for either us or our DD. Granted, friends are easier to decline invitations to and slowly disassociate with than extended family, but we would have no problem doing the same with extended family; I get tired of putting effort into gift-giving and doing thank you cards in a timely manner and not getting so much as a verbal thank you in return.

[croman7]

Hang in there, Minou!
I know how terrible it feels. It's not even the gift that matters, if they had even sent a nice card or something, it wouldnt feel so bad. but to get no acknowledgment whatsoever feels terrible. my situation is not exactly the same, but still frustrating. I did my cousins wedding cake last year. He said that his fiancee wanted this that and the other thing on the cake. i could hear her in the background, but she wouldnt come on the phone...ok, so i took the order, confirmed the details with him a second time. at their social, i had to track the bride down to ask her for a specific color swatch (she wanted some of the cake to match the bridesmaids dresses). she gave me a vague "oh, purple ish" ok... so i made the cake with those specs. at the wedding, she did not come say hi to my table, she never thanked me for the cake, and they neglected to pay me. the following day they stopped by my house. i was outside doing yardwork. my cousin parked, and came out to talk to me. she sat in the car and didnt come out. he thanked me profusely, but she couldnt even be bothered to greet the guests at her wedding, never mind thank me for doing her cake (at a killer deal by the way). It was so frustrating!
Some people just dont understand what WE call common courtesy. it's common sense to say please and thank you, right? not for everyone.... Ugh. Kudos to you for being such a great family member though! i totally understand how you feel!