Drinking at 14

[lucy16076]

I'm losing the parenting game...what would you do if you found out through Facebook that your 14 year old daughter was drinking before going out to a dance? That's my dilemma. She is hanging with kids that I think aren't great, she's lying & is disrespectful....but she is a good, solid girl, that gets 90's in school. She's beautiful, smart & usually makes good choices! But her grade 9 year has brought new freedoms & her choices aren't all that great....anyone been there? Suggestions?

[nadiabreckon]

Well, I don't want to be the one to say I've been there and done that...but, I've been there and done that (not with my own children, but myself, sadly... )

What happened to me was my dad took away alot of my privileges (going out with friends, allowance, had to be home right after school, etc...) I would suggest sitting down with her and having a serious (but respectful) talk between the both of you about the dangers of drinking (drinking & driving, sexual crimes...sorry to go there, but it happens!)

I'm hoping for you she will see what kind of danger she can get herself into by drinking at such a young age, and I totally understand your concern! DS is only 2, and whenever DH has a beer at home (which is very rarely) we tell him that it's yucky and he cannot have any until he owns his own home! LOL

Good luck!

[KellyC]

I have no suggestions..other than this..

Approach it in a way that she doesn't know you got the info from Facebook....otherwise you'll be blocked faster than you can blink. Drinking at that age is not uncommon and there are worse things. I'd keep calm and keep an eye on what she's up to via Facebook rather than blow your stack and have her watch what she's posting on FB or block you from seeing her FB...then you'll never know what she's up to!

[Shwa Girl]

I have no suggestions..other than this..

Approach it in a way that she doesn't know you got the info from Facebook....otherwise you'll be blocked faster than you can blink. Drinking at that age is not uncommon and there are worse things. I'd keep calm and keep an eye on what she's up to via Facebook rather than blow your stack and have her watch what she's posting on FB or block you from seeing her FB...then you'll never know what she's up to!

Maybe I am not up to date. Can a child block a parent from the child's Facebook account?
I mean, can't the parent tell the child that they cannot block the parent from the child's Facebook account?

Your insight would be very helpful.
Thanks.

[Aimz]

Maybe I am not up to date. Can a child block a parent from the child's Facebook account?
I mean, can't the parent tell the child that they cannot block the parent from the child's Facebook account?

Your insight would be very helpful.
Thanks.

In this case, unfortunately yes, a child can block a parent from their Facebook account without it being obvious to parents (ie. you remain friends).

Facebook has very in-depth privacy settings to the point where you can edit your account to specifically block certain people from seeing certain parts of your profile (like your photos, or your friends list, or your wall).

Telling your child that they're not allowed to do so may or may not stop them from going ahead and changing their settings...

[Shwa Girl]

Telling your child that they're not allowed to do so may or may not stop them from going ahead and changing their settings...

Hmmmmm....
Something is wrong with this picture if a child can't be stopped from changing their Facebook setting, that blocks a parent.
I am assuming that the parent is paying for the internet access, in most households?

[Aimz]

Hmmmmm....
Something is wrong with this picture if a child can't be stopped from changing their Facebook setting, that blocks a parent.
I am assuming that the parent is paying for the internet access, in most households?

Oh I definitely understand what you're saying - parental controls on internet access are completely in the hands of parents. I just meant to say that I don't think Facebook has any parental controls in place specifically.

It's different, of course, if the parent is the one who sets up the child's Facebook account (knows their password, sets up their controls for them, etc). Otherwise, I don't see how a parent could stop a child from changing their settings (other than taking away internet access altogether, or blocking Facebook altogether).

[Shwa Girl]

Oh I definitely understand what you're saying - parental controls on internet access are completely in the hands of parents. I just meant to say that I don't think Facebook has any parental controls in place specifically.

It's different, of course, if the parent is the one who sets up the child's Facebook account (knows their password, sets up their controls for them, etc).

Thank you so much for your help with this.
I will be setting uf the Facebook account for my child.

[guccigoo22]

Maybe I am not up to date. Can a child block a parent from the child's Facebook account?
I mean, can't the parent tell the child that they cannot block the parent from the child's Facebook account?

Your insight would be very helpful.
Thanks.

My 13 year old is allowed a FB account, with rules. I know her password, as well as her email PW.

I've only checked it a couple times, just out of curiousity, cause she's AWLAYS chatting it seems. Boring stuff lol.

For OP:

I understand what you mean about friends having an influence. sometimes people act like we, as parents use this excuse as a cop out. This may not always be the case. My DD has a friend, who is very disrespectful to her parents. I heard her on the phone one day, while she was over for dinner, and in front of her friend, I told my DD "Just so you know, if you ever talked to me that way, you'd be grounded for a month!"

She has rebelled in her own way, and one form of punishment we love to use, is to write an essay, on whatever she's done. If it's talking back, being disrespectful, hurtful to sisters, dangerous, whatever.


That being said, drinking is a completely different story. There comes a certain age, when teens feel they are adults, and do things to express this. For some it's the first time they smoked a cigarette, or wore something provocative.

I have thought about how I would handle this, and although only you know your daughter, I will share what i would do.

I would have an open, and honest discussion. I would not be afraid to tell her that I found out from her facebook, whether or not I was "supposed to" have access, or not. The discussion would begin by asking, how much she drank, how did she feel? Did she think she was drunk? Did she like it?
Share or embelish a story, of when you were drunk (make the age like 18, and focus on the more negative things, like dizziness, spins, paranoia about being caught, hangovers!!)

In my family, we have had issues with substance abuse, so I would caution, that for "us" drinking can have more severe consequences, and we need to be cautious.

I'm not a parent, that strives to be my daughters' best friend, but I do know that if I start a conversation with my 13 year old, with a lecture, or scolding, I get attitude, and nothing gets heard.

If you can get her to open up about her experience, you can then ask about how her friends fit in, withough her feeling like you are attacking them, or her.

Maybe finish off with letting her know that experimentation with alcohol at her age, is completely normal (it is), but it is also illegal, dangerous, and a deal breaker in your house, so her punishment will be (insert something that will bother her, but not insanely severe), and let her know that if she ever does it again, the punishment will be waaay worse (insert something serious, that will make her hate you lol)

Sidenote:

I recently graduated as a subtance abuse cousellor/communtity service worker, and spent alot of time on this issue, as I have 4 daughters myself at home lol.


Good luck!

[Aimz]

Thank you so much for your help with this.
I will be setting uf the Facebook account for my child.

You are most welcome.

I just did a quick search on facebook and found this:

Can I monitor my child’s activity on the site?
Facebook is forbidden by federal and many state laws to give unauthorized access to someone who is not an account holder.

We encourage parents to exercise any discretion they can on their own computers and in overseeing their kids' internet use. Please talk to your kids, educate them about internet safety, and ask them to use our extensive privacy settings.

If you would like to report an underage user (under thirteen years of age), please do so here.

If your child is experiencing abuse on the site, we encourage you to ask them to log in to their account and report it. Detailed information about reporting abuse is available on our Help Center's Report Abuse page.

So just to reinforce what I was saying earlier, it really is best to just set up the account yourself.

Best of luck to you! And another sidenote (sorry), if you have any questions on settings on Facebook, try clicking on "Account" and then "Help Center" and type in a keyword, like "privacy" or "photos" and I've found their help articles very useful.

[Natalka]

I'm losing the parenting game...what would you do if you found out through Facebook that your 14 year old daughter was drinking before going out to a dance? That's my dilemma. She is hanging with kids that I think aren't great, she's lying & is disrespectful....but she is a good, solid girl, that gets 90's in school. She's beautiful, smart & usually makes good choices! But her grade 9 year has brought new freedoms & her choices aren't all that great....anyone been there? Suggestions?

First off, you are NOT losing - you've just hit a really big bump.
What you do now will establish your role further as parents with guidelines and rules, and she must know that you control her life. Yes, you do.
It's hard to accept when our child is 'not so good', and frankly the grades have nothing to do with anything - it's great she's an A student, but unfortunately that doesn't mean she is smart socially - and with decision-making. Plus putting that info on FB was pretty dumb when you think of it...

She may have been swayed by her peers to drink, but in the end it was her own choice, and she made the wrong one.
What different freedoms have you afforded her since she hit Grade 9?

I'm going to suggest a nice tough love approach. You have a serious talk with her about drinking, - good points that other posters brought up - but NOT the part about it being 'normal', and don't tell her about any drinking experiences you had - that is NOT appropriate!
Time to zap some privileges away from her - in this situation, grounding would definitely be on top of my list. You know what will hit her hard.

I wish you luck with dealing with this - and I think it's really important to nip it in the bud. She needs to know how very important it is to not drink alcohol, use drugs, sleep around, etc. - whatever things are on your family's list of no-nos. Of course she knows, but needs some reiteration of the reasons.

[Shwa Girl]

First off, you are NOT losing - you've just hit a really big bump.

I wish you luck with dealing with this - and I think it's really important to nip it in the bud. She needs to know how very important it is to not drink alcohol, use drugs, sleep around, etc. - whatever things are on your family's list of no-nos. Of course she knows, but needs some reiteration of the reasons.

+1
Unfortunately, this a test/challenge for both parent and daughter, at this time. The parent can't lose this challenge. It is a matter of tough love.

[Hollywood1818]

I can say from working in a residence building and seeing the difference between those students who were allowed to drink and those that were not allowed who are 17ish. Keep an open dialogue, don't forbid them from drinking (my parents offered me alcohol in the house when they drank and never said i couldn't drink so it made it seem like i wasn't breaking any rules to do it so i just never did cause it wouldn't be rebelling anyways.

I can tell you this those students who came from families that had forbidden drinking went wild in university on residence and drank every weekend because it was a new freedom but those who always had the option to drink drank more responsibly.

[KK7]

Ok I will throw one out there that is totally different lol. She actually may have lyed on facebook and said she drank so her friends would think she has cool. She may not even have done this. Beleive me my son tells fibs sometimes on FB not about drinking but other little things. So you never know. I would just sit down and talk to her(not preach) and see what actually happened. If she did drink you honestly don't know how much. Kids start very young sad as it is. Just try to let her become aware like the other poster said about the dangers ect of drinking.

[KK7]

I can say from working in a residence building and seeing the difference between those students who were allowed to drink and those that were not allowed who are 17ish. Keep an open dialogue, don't forbid them from drinking (my parents offered me alcohol in the house when they drank and never said i couldn't drink so it made it seem like i wasn't breaking any rules to do it so i just never did cause it wouldn't be rebelling anyways.

I can tell you this those students who came from families that had forbidden drinking went wild in university on residence and drank every weekend because it was a new freedom but those who always had the option to drink drank more responsibly.

umm so she isn't suppose to forbid her 14 year old to drink??? Sorry I disagree I know everyone has there own opinon so by no means putting it down but in a very small town there was a mother who thought it was great that her son drank at home she could keep on eye on him better. He had 2 friends over a girl and another boy. The mom was home, the boys raped the girl...I guess that new found freedom is always best.