Court Humour

[MortgageQueen]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
(purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Hard to believe some of these - but they are pretty funny.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_________ ____________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________ _________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Crochetlady]

Hard to believe they passed the bar exam.

[Samba-Jane]

That was absolutely hilarious!
Thanks for the laugh!

[caroman]

funny thansk for the laugh

[Tweetybird999]

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:
Upon review of your letter adjoining your clients loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property only back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus expedition.
Now the Pope, as Im sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we please have our damn loan?

[Tweetybird999]

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no."
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.
" . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea . ."
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Tweetybird999]

A man telephones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[Tweetybird999]

How not to conduct a cross examination is illustrated by this classic (and supposedly true) story from a trial:
A man was being prosecuted for criminal assault for biting off the ear of another man during a fight in a bar, and a witness had taken the stand and testified that the defendant had bitten off the ear of the other man. The defendant's lawyer proceeded to cross-examine:
Q: The bar was quite crowded that night, wasn't it?
A: Yes.

Q: And the two men who were fighting were rolling around on the floor, were they not?

A: They were.

Q: And while they were rolling about, one man would be on top, and then other, correct?

A: That's correct.

Q: And there was pushing and shoving and shouting around you by other people watching the fight, isn't that right?

A: That's right.

Q: So you couldn't see the fighters all of the time, could you?

A: That's also right.

Q: In fact, isn't it true that your view was so obstructed that you didn't actually see the defendant bite the ear of the other man?

A: Yeah, you're right. I didn't really see him bite the ear off.

At this point, the lawyer should have quit. But something in him made him ask one more question.

Q: So why did you testify that the defendant bit the ear off?

A: Because I saw him spit it out.

[Tweetybird999]

The word "oxymoron" is from a combination of Greek words for "sharp" and "dull," and it is used to describe a phrase that has an internal conflict or contradiction, such as "military intelligence" or "postal service."
The legal profession has its share of the usual two-word oxymorons, such as "legal ethics" and "Justice Rehnquist," but is unique in also providing us with the only one-word oxymoron: brief.

[Tweetybird999]

A wealthy man on his death bed called his three best friends-- his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer-- to make a final request. "Who knows what I will find on the other side? Just to be sure, I am giving you each one hundred thousand dollars and I ask that you place an envelope with that amount in my casket." All three took the money and agreed to fulfill his wish.
He died soon thereafter and at the funeral each friend slipped an envelope into the casket. After the burial, the three walked together from the grave. The doctor said, "My friends, I have a confession to make; since the hospital was short of funds for treating the poor I only put 80, 000 dollars in the envelope and donated the other 20, 000 to our indigent fund." The priest then said, "I too have to confess that I gave 50,000 dollars to the homeless and only put fifty thousand in the casket."
The lawyer looked both his friends straight in the eye and said, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you failed to keep your solemn promise to our dear departed friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full 100, 000 dollars."

[itsmewhoelse]

I needed a chuckle today thanks