ever had to cut-off a relative?

Hi everyone,

We've had some emotional past few days and I was curious:

Have you ever had to restrict yours or your children's access to a relative (grandparent, aunt/uncle, etc.) for any reason? Was it a hard decision to come to? Do you feel you made the right decision in the end?

DH and I are faced with this possibility and it's definitely not easy, and I was wondering if anyone else has ever had to consider this....

*hug* I know it can be a very difficult decision. Yes, we have had to do this with one of my boy's grandfathers, although for us it was never a long-term situation. But their one grandfather has a lot of anger issues, and at one point got into a huge screaming and swearing fit with my husband (his son), in front of the children. So I said enough. I do not expose my children to that type of behaviour from anyone, related or not. We had very limited contact for about a month after that....and only after that because my husband wanted to. Now we do have fairly regular contact with their grandfather, but he also knows that he can't pull that stuff around the kids anymore and get away with it.

I think it's always a hard decision....for me it was more that I didn't want to seem like a b**ch, but I quickly realized it was more important that I set boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behaviour for my children to be exposed to.

I wanted to ask too: Have you talked to this individual or individuals about their behaviour and warned them that you would restrict access if they didn't stop? I only ask because sometimes people don't seem to realize how they're acting until someone tells them, and it would give them a chance to change their behaviour before you put your foot down.

Good luck with your decision, I know it's not easy.

Thanks vibrantflame :)

Yes, we have explained to the people involved what was going on. In our case its an issue of some toxic behaviours but also boundary-stomping. We explained what the boundaries were and that they were not up for discussion, that this is simply how things were going to work from now on. They ignored them and we didn't see them for a month.

We tried meeting up again recently and reiterated what the problems were and why we stayed away. It didn't help and it just resulted in more insults directed at me, including a doozy that the only reason they criticized my parenting abilities so much is because they couldn't stand to see DD 'suffer' (DD has reflux and they kept harping on changing her formula or giving her water even after I told them her doctor and I had it covered and to please stop bringing it up). Plus they essentially told us that our boundaries mean nothing since they said 'oh we respect them', but then asked us to put up with the boundary stomping behaviour in the same sentence.

Its DH's parents and sister. I already told DH that me and DD will not see them until they apologize for their behaviour and show an effort to change said behaviour. I realized its not good for DD to be around people who disrespect and undermine her parents (plus the other behaviours they exhibit), but its still really hard, and the only reason I even put my foot down about seeing them was that the visits made me completely miserable and massively stressed out.

It is a hard decision to make and we're not even sure exactly what we want to do right now, but thanks for weighing in and sharing, it makes me feel better that we're not the only ones that have been faced with this (everyone in our social circle has the odd cut-off distant relative but not a child's grandparent or aunt/uncle).

I don't have experience with this but I know there was a thread about ths a few months ago.

http://forum.smartcanucks.ca/255553-...r-life-canada/

Perhaps there is some info in there that might help you out. Good luck with the situation.

Yes.

I have had to cut out my fathers side of the family entirely. Aunts, Uncles, and all my cousins. It was a very toxic situation and got to the point where things became physical and I had I had to get the police involved.

Please do what is best for your family safielstar. I know they are your family and it is an incredibly hard decision but when it all boils down to it your life with be so much more calm and happy without them.

I have not spoken to any of the family, I have cut them out of my life for two years now and I have not been happier. I have not fought, yelled, screamed, had anixety, or cried over anything in a very long time. My life is perfect and I know that seems harsh as they are my family but sometimes you just have to move on and do what is best for you, your husband, and your children.

Andrea,

I'm so so sorry but I know how you feel. After my MIL's comments (even YESTERDAY) it really makes me want to cut her off. Thankfully, she makes zero effort to see little one that she's doing it to herself.

Even if it's temporary (and my friend tried to explain that while they don't remember it as babies - we do and it could still affect them) it's best for your family. You can't be stressed out around family - it's not right. I think you are doing the right thing.

My mother is not allowed to have anything to do with my children whatsoever. It wasn't a hard decision at all really... sometimes there are people (no matter what their relationship to you) that are better left out of the equation. There is absolutely no need to excuse it or feel bad about it. You are the parent to that child and it is up to you to decide what is best.

We are recently actually going through something related to this.

Fourish years back we had to cut out a large portion of my husbands family. There was a long back story to it, but in the end we decided it was best to build our family alone, without them interfering every five minutes.

Recently our daughter has been reintroduced to them, with supervision of course until we can be sure everyone has grown past everything, and so my husband can adapt and become comfortable around them again as well. Children adapt quickly. She reaccepted his family with almost no problem. Its the parents that will find a bit harder time getting back into the groove of things.

But sometimes it has to be done. I know in our case, even though it took so long for things to change, we don't regret a moment of it. We know we did what we had to do to protect our family from the toxicity of constant fighting.

I agree with other posters.......you have to do what is best for your children and the family you and your husband are building together. It doesnt have to be a permanent change because I understand the need for your children to know their relatives but its also important for them to see their parents being respected. I have been on both sides of this - as a child and now as a parent - and I think that as long as you can honestly say your decisions are made with the best interest of your children in mind then you can know you are making the right choice. Good luck with everything.

I know how you feel...I wish I could cut certain relatives...but t's too complicated

I haven't had to, but my parents did for relatives on my father's side.

They were always butting in and showing up unannounced and basically everything they did was right and everything my parents did was wrong.

My parents were putting up with it until one day my mom asked them not to come over the following weekend because they wanted to go out with us kids. They'd show up every single weekend to let their kids swim in our pool because they didn't have one. My dad's family showed up anyway and when they were told no, she told him to choose. He chose us. And that was it. We were much better for it!

It's such a lame reason to lose a son, but apparently that's what my grandmother wanted *shrugs* He did always say my mom's parents were his real parents.

You really need to sit down with DH and discuss it to the max. The pros and cons. Until you're sick of talking about it. Really figure out if life will be better without them. If the answer is yes, you know what you have to do.

They don't appear to be learning. They want to do what they want to do. If already missing out on your family's life hasn't forced them to change at all, chances are, it simply won't. I'd continue to keep my distance in hopes that they figure it out. Then, buh bye.

I wish you all the luck. It really is a tough decision because it also involves your child.

Yes, I've done this with my paternal grandmother. She was just so negative and degrading all the time, and eventually I just snapped. She lives in a different city, thankfully, but my parents know that if she's in town, I'm not visiting. I don't want my daughter to hear any of that garbage.

Sometimes it takes drastic actions for people to realize that their behaviours are unacceptable. I haven't spoken to my grandmother in over a year, and who knows when I will speak to her again. When she chooses to speak with respect, and apologize for the BS she put us through, then maybe.

Best of luck my dear, it is definitely a hard situation to be in.

Oh, I feel for everyone on here. I've not (yet) cut anybody out of my family, but I have endured a lot of verbal and emotional abuse over the years from a few members of my family. The current culprit is my Dad's new wife. I love, love, love my Dad (we've always been super close, even in through my teenage ups and downs) and only want him to be happy, but I find it hard to play nice when I'm always called bad names and belittled by her. I don't want to make too much of it as my Dad's health isn't good and I don't want to taint my relationship with him or put him in the middle - he's the one who has to go home and live with her after all :yikes:. It's a big enough issue, though, that my sister will have nothing to do with the wife. She is much happier for her decision, but it has limited her relationship with our Dad, hence my reluctance to follow suit.

*hugs* to everyone who knows all too well that you can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your family......

Sadly yes I have had to cut my ex's parents out of my kids life for the most part. When she was 10 I let my daughter go visit them for a week without me. (something she had done ever since she was little and wanted to do) This was after I left their son and had moved away from him for our safety. I told them they were not to let her dad see her what so ever. (he was not to see the kids unless I knew and under supervision of my choice. This was for reasons I can't get into here. ) They went behind my back and let her father see her. Plus thanks to my daughter knowing she could tell me anything they let her be with him alone while the "grandfather" was across a parking lot. They didn't want to go by the court orders and put my daughter in harms way. I flipped out and told them they will never be able to see their grandchildren unless I was present again. They didn't like this at all and been slowly "forgetting" birthdays and such. Thank goodness my kids really don't want to have much to do with them since the boys were much younger and my daughter (now 16) is still mad at them for making her see her dad that one time. So no love lost there. I also think they are staying away because one of my sons is developmentally disabled and the other is ADHD and Autistic and they just can't handle having grandchildren who have special needs.

It isn't easy when you have to cut a family member our of your life. But you need to do what is best for you, your child and your family.

Even though its sad. Yes, I have had to cut off a few family members. In my case it was just cousins that I grew up with ALL my life BUT I am at the point now I have 2 teenagers & 2 young ones and I dont need them to be subjected to the types of behaviors of some of my cousins. For us it is hard cause my kids actually love them & dont understand why we no longer speak. Some time later they will see & understand my decision! :(