how would you handle this?

[nothingfancy]

I am so upset, and don't really know how to handle this.

My 4yo DS came home from school today (only his 3rd day of school!) and said that one of the kids in his class put his hands like this (gestured with his hands around his neck) and pushed. I asked him to explain to me what had happened, why did he think the boy did this, were they playing, just trying to figure out the course of events and wanting to make sure my son wasn't the instigator (not that it would make it ok). From what I can piece together, the kid was acting up on the school bus, was put in his place by the driver, and turned his "attention" towards my son. Started throwing DS's belongings around the bus, which my son chased after in turn getting a warning from the driver for leaving his seat. This is when the physical altercation began. DS says this boy put his hands on his throat (I hoping it initially was intended to be playful), my son laughed, so the boy pushed against his throat. My son pushed him away and that was apparently the end of it.

I'm not really sure if I should bring it up with the bus driver? Do I wait to see if something happens again, then bring it up to the bus driver? Do I instead bring it up with their teacher? Their principal? I grew up being bullied, and to a small extent I believe kids should try to work it out on their own and/or learn to stick up for themselves...having mommy follow him to the playground everyday isn't going to be very good for his self esteem. But another part of me thinks that the hands to throat action may have been a purposeful, and that he could have been injured. I did discuss with him that what the other kid did was not acceptable, that it is never okay for anyone to put their hands on someone else and that I didn't want him playing with this little boy anymore. We role played some scenarios, and I encouraged him to use his loud words, but he's 4! He doesn't understand that this kid is being mean, all he wants is to be friends with him.

I feel horrible that his kid is picking on my son (they also were in preschool together, so we are aware of this other child's aggressive outbursts but this boy is also very smart, rambunctious, and sometimes a pretty emotional kid - they were never directed towards DS until now) and I feel like Momma bear with the overwhelming urge to protect him (he's my first child off to school if that matters). But I don't know if I'm over-reacting and whether I'd be jumping the gun a little bit. I think it is the choking that's got me so upset. If it would have been a shove or a hit, I might feel differently, maybe. I'm trying to convince myself that this is a case of boys will be boys, but it's not really working. What would you do?

Update, DS came home from school saying this boy hit him again. Purposely sought him out on the bus and started hitting him in the chest.

I had been in contact with the teacher after the first incident. I asked her in passing if anything had happened with DS that day. She said not. I told her there had been an altercation on the bus and that I would be speaking with the bus driver. Asked the bus driver...she didn't see anything (and also failed to mention the second altercation...guess she didn't see that one either). Needless to say, I was upset. Who is watching these 4 year olds?!?!? Had DH call the school to immediately speak to the principal and who should return our call? His teacher. She offered to read a book to the class, said that has helped in years past.

Wow. I don't know what else to think. No offer to talk to the other child's family. Nothing. I plan on contacting the school each and every day this happens and I plan on keeping a record of everything that is happening and what the school's response is. I felt like I had to try to speak with DS's teacher and driver to try to find out what happened before contacting the principal. I believe that something has happened, without a doubt, but DS's not very good at explaining events in order. Not really the reponse I was looking for from the school.

[angel_2011]

Speak to the principle, at least the school will be aware of the situation and might speak to the other child's parents.

[gspmamma]

I would speak to the principle about this. This is not normal behavior for a child of that age. As you stated that this child is already know for having these types of outbursts while in pre-school. A child freaking out like that because he was told to stop doing something is not normal at all. The school needs to be aware of what is going on. The bus driver can only do so much as they are limited on what they can do. It is the school that can deal with these issues.

I don't think you are over reacting one bit. Most schools have a no bully policy and situations like this need to be reported.

[Natalka]

Don't think you are over reacting, not at all!

Talk with the principal about it; he'll explain to you if there are any set school protocols. Myself, I would also speak with the bus driver and the teacher.

I dealt with this with my son - in one instance I called the parent, in another I went to the school to talk to the bully himself (uh, I don't recommend that, I probably could have gotten in big trouble... but it worked). In the latter case, my son was in gr. 5, bully in gr. 7 and the taunting was on the playground and in the school.
The other instances were on the bus.

Good luck!

[Minou]

Talk to the principal. The principal will be able to communicate with all involved, including the transportation department if necessary. He/She will also call the kid in to discuss the situation -- it's important for kids to know that the bus is an extension of school, and that problems they cause on the bus can come back to haunt them at school. The principal can then contact the boy's parents.

If you tell the teacher, there will be more of a delay, as he/she will need to relay the information to administration when he/she gets time, and the message may get lost. This kind of thing needs to be dealt with and documented at the office.

[MrsSunshine]

a few tips in order to do this..either call the school or go in tomorrow morning make an appt. to see the principle.
once you go in to see them.. keep your cool. you attract more bees with honey then vinegar.
try to keep the facts straight and emotions out.
im sure the principle knows of the students behaviour already.
good luck with this.