My mom won't help me

[Qtpi]

My mother works full time, she is one year from retirement. I have a 3 year old and so does my brother.
My mother watches my brother's kid every Friday (one of her days off) because of the work schedule of my brother and my sister-in-law. She also babysits for them at least 4 other times during the month, so they can go out to eat, or just need a break. She also watched their kid for five days while they went on their honeymoon.

I work full-time and my husband is a full-time student, our daughter attends daycare when we are not home. One Saturday a month I have to work; this is not usually a problem because my husband does not attend school on the weekends.

This month, I need help because on Friday and Saturday I have to work and my husband has to go out of town to help his mother move.
I asked my mother if she could pick my daughter up from daycare on the Friday and watch her for an hour before I get home, and then then next day (Saturday) because I have to work. She freaks out "So I have to watch your kid 2 days in a row??" I said no, just an hour on Friday, she responds "Well, it's too much work to go and pick her up at daycare, I will just watch her all day" The daycare is 5 minutes away, and keep in mind that she doesn't HAVE to watch her all day Friday, I have child care, but the centre closes before I get done work, so I need someone to pick her up. So then she says "I have to go, I will talk to you later."
Then later she calls me and says, "So you want me to watch your kid for 2 days so MIL can move?" She was kind of joking around. I said no actually, I rearranged my plans and my SIL will watch my daughter on Saturday and DH will wait to leave until I get home on Friday. She gets all bent out of shape, "Why are you being so snotty?" I told her I'm not, I knew she didn't want to watch her, so I made other arrangements. She let me go.

I get it, I work full time too, and I do not want my days off booked solid with babysitting either. BUT I rarely ask her to babysit because she gives me such a hard time. She complains all the time that she has to watch my brother's kid every Friday so one of her days off is booked every week, so I don't ask her to watch my daughter. If we need a sitter (which is rare, because we just don't go out) my MIL will travel 2 hours from out of town, I give her gas money because she doesn't have a lot of cash, and she will stay overnight.
She also says "My mother never babysat for me", ok fine, then don't babysit if you don't want to. But you can't watch some grandkids and not others. She also used to watch my nephew and niece when they needed a sitter, overnight, etc, etc.

This just makes me so upset, why my brother's kid and not mine? He is the youngest and has always been somewhat favoured but this really makes me upset. Plus, my brother and his wife are having another baby next year; just makes me think "Great, so my mom can watch both their kids and never watch mine." I am also worried that once my daughter is older she will see that her cousin gets to sleep over at her grandmother's all the time and she doesn't. I don't want her to feel the way I feel.

I have talked (argued) with my mother about this, she just denies everything. "I have no problem watching your daughter". But every time I ask, which is maybe 1x every couple months, she gives me a hard time. I don't get it, and I don't know what to do to make myself feel ok with this and just let it go. She will not change, so I have to, but I can't shake the feeling that she favours my brother, even though she and I hang out all the time, shopping and having coffee. I can barely think about the whole situation without crying. And this is not the first time this has come up. There was a similar situation last year with work and she refused to help.

Why won't she watch my kid? I know she doesn't have to, she's my kid, but why does she watch the other kids and just not mine?

[Shwa Girl]

Will a friend babysit for you?

[Qtpi]

I do have one friend that will watch her, and my sister in law, but finding a sitter isn't really the issue, it's that she always watches my brother's kid and practically refuses to watch mine.

[RebeccaRYoung]

I've watched both my mother and my mother-in-law and the ideas surrounding babysitting. I don't really know you or your family, so it's difficult to give any real advice. All I can say is that they both didn't have much of a problem looking after the young children because they slept a lot. Now that a couple of the children are getting older, they are backing away from babysitting as much because the children want to play and be active. It can be frustrating and tiring to constantly play with a child when you've worked all week. While I understand the double standard going on in your situation, you might just have to be honest and have a discussion with your mother about the issues.

[salady]

Why won't she watch my kid? I know she doesn't have to, she's my kid, but why does she watch the other kids and just not mine?

I get that you are ranting but this is something you need to be asking your mother, not us. Tell her exactly what you told us here and see what she says. If she still won't budge, then I think it's time you decide there's no point in arguing any further and settle with a babysitter, which you say you have no issue getting. All this going back and forth is going to do your head in.

[DianneS]

My response s simiar to Salady In fact, I almost wonder if you should consider printing your post and showing it to her. You might need to edit it a bit but it would show the person who really matters how you feel

[luckbealady]

It could always be that she doesn't connect as well with your daughter.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with your daughter, or that your mother doesn't adore her, but maybe she just finds it harder (and she might not even know why).
And I'm not implying that your daughter may be difficult to handle. It could be just the opposite, that your child is smart and caring and is able to do things herself, which could be off putting to a grandmother that just wants to play and not have to think too much.

But like others have said, it's your mother you need to talk to you. I don't know your relationship, but I hope you are able to approach her and let her know that you feel like she doesn't want to watch your daughter, and it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you and/or your daughter.

[Darth Penguin]

I too would politely ask why she's not prepared to watch your child...but I suspect she'll talk about your brother being a man and needing help with "female stuff" like looking after his own child..

There are still some people of the older generation who don't expect males to take care of thier own children since it's women's work.

If that's the case, I doubt your mother will be more ameanable to looking after your child since she feels you should be doing it EVEN though you have very good reasons why you need her help.

Possibly your direct asking her will make her review her actions. But she is an independant adult and isn't accountable to any-one to explain how she wishes to spend her time.

She's allowed to be selfish and deny your children her time and attention...and yes....It will hurt. It will hurt you, your husband and your children. And it will hurt your mother and the rest of your extended family..

Life is about taking both positive and negative experiences and growing beyond them. You appear to have a supportive network outside your biological family..For the moment rely on them and dial down on your bio-family..They might surprise you by suddenly wanting to be involved...

[Shwa Girl]

I do have one friend that will watch her, and my sister in law, but finding a sitter isn't really the issue, it's that she always watches my brother's kid and practically refuses to watch mine.

I understand.
So, go to Plan B for babysitting.

[Minou]

But it sounds like she's not exactly thrilled about babysitting every Friday for your brother's child, either. Maybe he just ignores the "hard time" she gives him.

[super_e]

She's older, she's tired. She probably isn't able to say no to your brother as easily as she can say no to you.

Next time she's babysitting your brother's kid, offer to drop by with your own to take both kids to the park and give your mom a little break.

[KrazE]

I'm not seeing the rant as a 'babysitter' rant at all, but rather a daughter feeling hurt by her own Mother appearing to not want to spend time with her child like she does with the other grandchildren.

It makes you feel as though you and your child just aren't good enough, and wonder what could possibly be so terrible about you & your child that you're made to feel like your own Mother doesn't appear to want to be around the grandchild of her daughter, but is willing to be with the grandchild of her son.

I really think you should let your Mother know how it makes you feel - that it's not about 'babysitting' but the feeling of rejection and/or favouritism. If this same pattern continues, there is going to come a time where the child will feel these same feelings and wonder the same things you're wondering now, so for your daughter, it's best to get it out in the open with your Mother now; at least you will know that you tried even if nothing changes. It will also give you the chance to let the feelings go instead of building up and affecting other things in your life.

Anywho, that's my take.... from someone who has been through this.

[hollyquaiscer]

I have to agreee with a few of the above posts. This is not at all about babysitting. As a grandma with 4 grandchildren, I'll try to explain how I feel. I have a disablity so most days are just a struggle to get through own, never mind having to look after grandchildren. I too thought, for 6 months of the year have a similar situation to your mom.

I babysit one grandson all summer long, then when I'm in Canada, I pick him up at school (grade 1 this year, but last year I had to pick him up at noon every day), and keep him till his mom is off work. Now I have 5 DD's, 4 of which have children. All my dd's are hardworking people, but some, require more help than others, and as a parent we sense these things.

I would say, by what you have stated that your mom feels resentful somewhat about needing to babysit all the time for your brother, but for some reason feels he NEEDS the help. If not for the financial gain of not paying a daycare, then for the emotional burden it puts on him. She sounds like she is tired of being a sitter. Once we raise our children, we hope they will continue on as we did, and my thought is that she resents having her off time filled with babysitting. She talks to you about it, which to me signals that she feels close to you and is trying to explain how she feels but stops short of burdening you with her emotions.

I really don't think it's as much of loving some grandkids more than others, as a grandma, I just can't fathom that, but it probably seems that way. I am closer to Ryder (the one I watch all the time), only because he is with us a lot. I always take the other grandchildren to outings, parks, and such, a lot ,I love them all the same. Ryder, has more of an attachment to us because we see hiim everyday almost.

Please, I beg you, ask your mom out for coffee, and explain the way her actions are making you feel. She may not realize this as she feels the two of you are so close. Sometimes how people feel, and the actions they show on the outside are on two completely different ends of the spectrum. I have, after a busy week and a day of babysitting, been upset when another DD calls and asks us to babysit, and believe me, it's NOTHING to do with the children, or even them, every time, it's just been a terrible week, and a person just wants to lay low and recharge without having to look after more children. Of coarse, I always babysit and don't say anything, but I can relate to how your mom could feel that way.

I hope you can talk with her, and that everything gets laid out on the table. As a mom, the last thing I would ever want is for a DD, SIL, or any grandchild to feel the way you are feeling.

If for some reason, it can't be worked out however, you will have some hard decisions to make though. Children pick up on everything, and if she is in fact treating them different that the other grandchildren, it's not good. It can have a terrible effect on them and you will need to intervene. I wish you the best of luck with your talk. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it all works out well for you, and her.

[erin9mmm]

I may be wrong but I don't think you should take it personally against you and your children. It sounds like your mom is overwhelmed and perhaps a little jealous over your mother-in-law (from her phone call back to you). Like it or not older children tend to get strapped with being the "responsible" child, no matter how old they are. I bet she is feeling worn from all the help she gives your brother and her reaction to you asking was just a combination of stress and maybe a bad day.

[erin9mmm]

.....Now I have 5 DD's, 4 of which have children. All my dd's are hardworking people, but some, require more help than others, and as a parent we sense these things.

I would say, by what you have stated that your mom feels resentful somewhat about needing to babysit all the time for your brother, but for some reason feels he NEEDS the help.

You were able to put into words what I was thinking much better!