Any Advice on Helping a Sensitive, Reserved Child?

[vibrantflame]

My oldest son is 7 years old. He is an amazing kid. He's smart, funny, kind and respectful, and also sensitive and sometimes reserved. He can be very outgoing in situations that he's comfortable in. Other times, he gets very upset and worried about certain situations. I was a lot like him as a child, so I have a lot of empathy. When a certain situation is bothering him, we talk a lot about it, about what could possibly happen, and we brainstorm ideas to help him feel more comfortable.

The issue is that he will go out of his way to avoid things that make him uncomfortable, and he will lie about it. For example, he lost one of his mittens at school. I told him he needed to go to the Lost and Found to look for it. For two days, he came home claiming he'd forgotten to go. This morning I told him that he needs to take responsibility for his belongings, and if he can't remember to go look for his mitten, he will have to buy a new pair out of the money he earns. Then the truth came out: He hadn't forgotten to go at all...he was scared. There are people there he has to talk to and he doesn't want to. I told him they are only there to help him, and I suggested he ask a friend to go along with him. This idea was shut down because "they might say no". He wanted his younger brother to come with him, but his younger brother didn't want to miss out on any recess time (apparently the only time they're allowed to go to Lost and Found), and I didn't feel it was a good idea to force his brother to go with him. I suggested he ask the nice girl in his class who rides his bus and has never been mean to him, but he was too shy to ask. "I want YOU to go look for it Mom!".

I just am not sure how to help him. I know that there are times where he will *have* to do things he doesn't want to do, and I can't just step in to fix it all the time. I also know how incredibly difficult it can be....I went through a period as a teenager where I would gladly have never left home if I didn't have to. I don't want him to go through what I did. Has anyone had experience with this?

[anisa]

My daughter is painfully shy, and she gets it from me.

I thought it was my lack of stability as a child that turned me from an generally introverted kid into an extremely shy one. So I kept tried my best to make sure my daughter didn't change schools more than once. I think it has helped somewhat, but hasn't really solved the problem as much as I had hoped it would. I still think a strong sense of stability is helpful.

You just have let them grow and blossom in a way that comes naturally. Be encouraging, have the conversations about being brave, and participating so that they enjoy everything around them, but remember that they will be taking very small steps. They may not be the most talkative, and most social and that is A-OK. As long as they are taking small steps in the right direction, that is what matters.

[erin9mmm]

I think what you are doing is great so far. My suggestion would be getting the teacher to help you out and give him little nudges when you can't. It's hard to go out of your comfort zone so what I've always said to myself (always been shy too) over the years is "what's the worst that could happen". Often what really happens is no where near that and then you realize you wasted time worrying for nothing.

[Arca]

The general idea is
1. Do it for your kid
2. Do it with your kid
3. Let child do it with you
4. Let child do it himself.
My daughter often gets shy too, I tell her "let's do it together". Sometimes I say things for her, recently I started address people she is about to talk to with "My daughter want to tell you something" and then let her talk.
Good luck.

[Seedco]

I used to do this as well.. I think I started taking control of myself more when my parents stopped helping, so you have the right idea. Give him a need, I think he has to learn to push himself.

The idea of him having to buy his own mittens again is tough love but its the right approach, maybe if it seems to harsh, add a sympathetic approach like "Dear, we won't be able to get you new mittens, see if you can find them so your hands are warm."

Hope that helps! (:

- Chris (theseedcoway.com)