Am I a horrible person???

My parents divorced when I was 13. My dad's parents pretty much disowned my brother and I at that point in time.
When my dad died 7 years ago, I attempted to make ammends with my Grandparents. For a few years we had uncomfortable and sporatic visits. A couple of years ago my Grandmother was sick and hospitalized. I went to visit her and she asked about my kids dad and I and I told her that we split up. After that phone calls went unanswered, I was disowned again.

I was just on facebook and a family member posted that my Grandmother had died over a week ago.

I am sitting here, indifferent about her death. A tad annoyed that I found out via facebook, but not really upset that she passed. Thinking about things, I am wondering if I should be crying right now. Am I a horrible person for being indifferent?

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Originally Posted by i_forget

I was just on facebook and a family member posted that my Grandmother had died over a week ago.

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If you did not go to FaceBook, would you have known about her passing?

You are defiantly not a horrible person. I suspect the emotions are missing since your relationship wasn`t that strong.
Sorry to hear you found out via Facebook.

Not at all. My Father has never been a part of my life, and when he dies, I likely will not feel much of anything. I know I am not a bad person. You cannot feel emotionally attached to a person when they have neglected you your entire life.

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Originally Posted by Shwa Girl

If you did not go to FaceBook, would you have known about her passing?

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I ask because usually someone in the family does all the notifications and invitations to the funeral or celebration of life meeting etc?

Just wondered if anybody wrote or called you?

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Originally Posted by Tinkerbella

Not at all. My Father has never been a part of my life, and when he dies, I likely will not feel much of anything. I know I am not a bad person. You cannot feel emotionally attached to a person when they have neglected you your entire life.

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:thumbs_up:

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Originally Posted by Shwa Girl

I ask because usually someone in the family does all the notifications and invitations to the funeral or celebration of life meeting etc?

Just wondered if anybody wrote or called you?

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No, I would not have known. When my uncle passed, they disowned my other two cousins. It is the way they are. I just think it would have been decent to find out in a way that was not facebook. I am very busy, but I always make a point to tell people significant news in a more personal manner.

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Originally Posted by i_forget

No, I would not have known. When my uncle passed, they disowned my other two cousins. It is the way they are. I just think it would have been decent to find out in a way that was not facebook. I am very busy, but I always make a point to tell people significant news in a more personal manner.

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Thanks for answering.
If it makes you feel better, you can go and pay your respects, when others are gone.:shrug:

well said.

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Originally Posted by Tinkerbella

Not at all. My Father has never been a part of my life, and when he dies, I likely will not feel much of anything. I know I am not a bad person. You cannot feel emotionally attached to a person when they have neglected you your entire life.

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No - the horrible people are the ones that believe love is conditional on you living up to their biased expectations.

You can be sorry about the fact that someone you knew died; you can be disappointed that your relations with that person were not what they could have been (even though you did try); but that doesn't mean you need to be sad that someone you barely knew, and who couldn't be bothered to support you, has passed away.

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Originally Posted by Tinkerbella

Not at all. My Father has never been a part of my life, and when he dies, I likely will not feel much of anything. I know I am not a bad person. You cannot feel emotionally attached to a person when they have neglected you your entire life.

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I could have written this word for word.

It sounds like you might be numbing your emotions, rather than actually being indifferent. That's a natural defence mechanism for someone who has been deeply hurt and rejected - especially over and over again as you have. On top of everything else, the last thing you should be doing is blaming yourself for not feeling the "right" thing!

You are not a bad person at all. I found out on Facebook that my biological father had passed in December and I was totally indifferent to it. Don't feel bad about not feeling bad.

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Originally Posted by luckbealady

No - the horrible people are the ones that believe love is conditional on you living up to their biased expectations.

You can be sorry about the fact that someone you knew died; you can be disappointed that your relations with that person were not what they could have been (even though you did try); but that doesn't mean you need to be sad that someone you barely knew, and who couldn't be bothered to support you, has passed away.

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This is exactly what I would have said to you.

^ +2

You may have emotions come up later, but for now, just take things as they are.
I'm sorry you had these awful family dynamics.

Family is the best thing in the world, and to be rejected by almost-immidiate family is rough. I have a brother who doesn't talk to me, but three other siblings I talk to daily, and although it hurts that my brother has always hated me (literally for no reason) I feel like I will be indifferent. For me his funeral will be a chance to go back home and see my family. Wow that sounds horrible. So I guess I'm a horrible person too? But I am just being real.

Sorry for your loss.

No, you're not a horrible person.
You lost your grandmother when you were 13. You probably grieved enough back then.
Sorry you had to find out like you did. You will probably have some sad days but it's for what could and should have been.

Not a terrible person at all.I found out about my grandmother dying in a round about manner,too.I felt truly sorry for my aunt,who was very close to her,but found it impossible to mourn her passing on a more personal level for reasons very similar to yours.I didn't choose to be stuck in the middle of a dysfunctional family feud as a child of an ugly divorce,and neither did you.You're just being honest with your emotions,which makes you one of the good people :)

I haven't spoken to my mother since November. My brother? It's got to be years.

Too toxic.

Absence does not make the heart fonder

Thanks everyone for all the positive words. I am feeling better about my emotions today. I suppose I will never get over the hurt and rejection from that side of the family. I was an innocent bystander, however knowing that I am not the only one and that I chose to be a better person and not be like that is reassuring.

I am sorry to all those who have also gone through this in their lives.

some of us have grown up with certain elders in our lives and have no emotional connection to them whatsoever.

it was their responsibility to cultivate a relationship, and as the child all you can do is follow their examples.

to not love a close (by relation) family member is ok. it happens with many people. you are in no way a horrible person :flowers:

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Originally Posted by Tinkerbella

Not at all. My Father has never been a part of my life, and when he dies, I likely will not feel much of anything. I know I am not a bad person. You cannot feel emotionally attached to a person when they have neglected you your entire life.

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I agree. I have a few family members who are miserable and toxic.

OP, you will likely be feeling something over the next while. You are not horrible at all; you also learned how grandparents could not rise up over their offspring's divorce for reasons not vocalized to you. If there is something unanswered for you, it could help to see a counsellor to find out if he/she notices something obvious during your session. Such feedback may confirm what you know or point out something you had not realized was apparent to an outsider.

Two levels here-talk to grandmother aloud on a walk or during a quiet time at home. Let her know you have learned of her passing and hope she is free from whatever kept her from keeping in touch with your. Tell her you reached out when you could and that her lack of response did hurt you as an adult and that possibly her own upbringing could have influenced her choices. Say you realize that you could not mind read her but her behaviour had consequences that reminded you of your teen years. If you have any photos of her and a few good memories of her, tell her that you remember when she was able to share contact with you on better terms.

Other level-the on-off contact after parents' divorce, that muddles the respect your elders mantra, adults who should have helped you get through the divorce but were hurting themselves or absorbed in keeping daily life going, the teen who got left out of family contact. That hurts and it's time to say it aloud that the adults let you down too in the process.

You have your own grief to shape, voice and deal with. It's a journey to help you recognize a person's passing closes a relationship. You may recognize which existing relationships you want to reinforce or ensure stay strong as a result of your experiences with your grandmother and not wanting to see that occur with those vital relationships.

You must remember that your grandparents were from a very different time. My dh's mother (divorced) was the same way. She did know some of her grandchildren, but mine...she didn't even know their names. She always went out of her way to try and cause trouble and ran be down constantly for over 30 years.

She passed away 2 months ago. dh and I went to her funeral, only out of respect for his siblings. My children did no go ad had the same feeing as you YOU'RE NOT a bad person! It's hard to have an emotional attachment to someone you hardly knew let alone understand