Long Distance Relationships

[twenty47]

okay, here i go....... (this may be a long one)

So what do you think about long distance relationships? Personally I hate them and I think they're the beginning of the end. I may just be cranky right now because that's how my life is, but I don't see a future in long distance. What's the point? I dunno but here's my scenerio.

I've been with the hubby about 15 years now. We've got one 8 year old boy and cannot have any more biological children as I had to have a hysterectomy. The ole man mentioned a few times we can look into adoption but I don't know.
For the first 10 years together we resided in our hometown and there was the occasional trip out of town that the hubby had to take for work but those trips never last more than 2 weeks. Then we moved to Vancouver, BC for the hubby's work and I quit my job. We stayed in Vancouver for a couple years and then it was off to Edmonton, AB. These moves are all related to the hubby's career. We stayed in Edmonton for a year and a half and then it was off to Kitimat, BC. I didn't like it in Kitimat at all so I packed up the son and came back to our hometown which is a 3 hour drive from Kitimat. The hubby stayed in Kitimat without us for about 2 months and then moved home. He found work right away but the work in Kitimat called for him and this is a year round opportunity.
I refuse to move back to Kitimat as I have a good job here at home and my friends and family are here (along with the hubby's).
The hubby was gone for almost the whole summer working in Kitimat and we tried to see each other as much as possible but it just wasn't enough. He finally came home and got to spend about 10 days with us. We thought that maybe he'd be done for the winter but work called again and now he's gone and for at least a month. Anyway I'm getting fed up with the coming and going and so is he.

I mean really, can a couple live like this and still make it?

[Ashley01]

It all depends on the people, some poeple can do it some can't. I know I suck at long distance relationship and there pointless to me, there is nothing worse!! I want someone whos there for me in person not on the phone, but for some people it works. My parents get along wayyy better since my dad works away from home, he is gone 4-8 weeks at a time and home for 1-2 weeks and then he gets to spend his time off home with everyone, it doesn't bother them at all. So I think it really depends on the people, and if children are involved then it depends on the ages, I think its easier on really young children like newborn-2ish and teens but group in the middle I think they would find it harder to have a parent away for long periods of time.

[rachel1496]

If it's a temporary situation then yes, I think it can work. It's hard and both partners need to put in the effort but it can be done.

If it's a long-term thing than I think it's a lot less likely to work out. It's hard to always be putting that much effort into a relationship and know that it's never going to get any easier

[vibrantflame]

Like everyone else said, it depends on the situation and the people involved. I know there is no way I could ever have a long distance relationship with my husband...we are a very tight couple, we do practically everything together. The longest we have ever been apart was 3 days (when silly me decided it would be nice to have the place to myself and shipped hubby and baby boy off to hubby's parents) and it was torture for me! That is just the type of people we are.

For other people as much as they love each other they also need their space and seeing each other just two or three days out of the week works out excellent for them.

[caitfoster]

Well, I am going to say, comming from someone who has been in a long distance relationship and has parents that were in one, I have experience in the department.

My parents couldn't do it. They broke up when I was 1. Every subsiquent relationship my father has had has broken up because of this too. Saying that, it is very difficult not to wake up with you DH beside you in the mornings. But it can be done. He is trying to give you and your child a better life. This probably won't go on forever, but the goal for a better life means sacrifices. You need to go to the library and get some books on the subject, maybe go see a councellor to get some new insight on this. Also look at this as a chance to have some space and time to yourself. You will never have the opertunity for mummy-son time when he is around. Make the most of it. Take this time to learn more about your son, and in turn you will learn much about yourself.

This is just a test on your relationship. Either you drop out early and suffer the conciquences (divorce is hard on everyone, believe me) or stick it out. There is always better days ahead. You just need to stay positive. Not to say you can't miss him and get frusterated, but if there is love in your relationship there is hope.

[Milton4doe]

I agree with everything caitfoster said.

Try to be positive and give it a really honest effort. If someone is insecure in the it probably won't work............ But people are doing it all over the world in jobs like the oil industry, fishing army etc. It can work good luck!

[twenty47]

thanks for all the insights..... I'm just so upset with everything and it seems so confusing yet so easy. the beginning of the summer when the hubby left i was okay and so was the son. now that this may be going on for a bit it seems unfair but would be worth it when he's home for the winter. I know come spring this will start all over again and that road will have to be travelled when we get there.

I'm just so angry with all this crap though. I could pack up and move again but I don't think it's fair to the son to keep moving and not have a stable home. i remember moving around as a child and always making new friends and leaving old ones behind. i didn't like it after awhile. Mind you the hubby is trying to still spend time with us but that's getting crazy. I mean he said he can drive home tomorrow night after work, he'll get off around 6 or 7, be home by 9 or 10.... be tired, go to bed and have to leave again by 4:30 in the morning. Seems to be a losing battle. and then when he has done this in the past it just made me worry about him driving so much and working with little sleep that the whole day just drags until he gets to phone after work. it's just crazy and I hope this month goes by fast.... Besides the long distance stuff we don't have any other problems that would have an affect on our relationship so i guess this is just one of those crappy things that have to be done and the biggest sacrifice that we have to make..... he just keeps telling me to plan our renewing of the vows to pass by time.... lol, days like this he wouldn't want to hear what my new vows would be saying.

[swouper2]

I really feel for you. I am now two weeks away from my dh going away for 8 mths to a year.

It will suck.

However, I think you have to look at the long run, and consider this.

If you break up, you will still not have anyone waking next to you, and you will still not have him to spend time with. It seems like you really do love him, so that will probably not make you any less miserable.

In 6 months or a year, or whenever you decide what you are both going to do to find a way to be together, then this will all be behind you. It takes time, but things get better, and then the memories of the hard times become just memories, and you have years and years of life to look forward to.

If you throw in the towel, you will still be alone for the next 6 months to a year, and after that, you will not be with this man that you love. And for the rest of your life, you will never again have that chance to be with this man. Reconciliation after hard times does happen. Reconciliation after separation or divorce is much more rare, because a trust is broken, and you may never get it back.

I hope that things work out for you and get easier. And believe me, I do understand what it's like, this isn't the first time dh has been away for a long period of time. PM me if you ever want to rant about it, I don't mind.

Hang in there!

[April07]

First of all I want to comend you for patience. It is hard being apart.

I am a military wife and have been married for 5yrs but together for 9. Hubby is away alot.. he has had two tours away since we have been together for 6 months at a time and away for more time within Canada. It is hard but I am a free spirit and friecely independent so that helps alot. I do not need to depend on him for alot of things as I am able to handle them myself. The one thing that I hate is the fact I miss him... but if yu can talk on the phone or via instant message then it is better. It is very hard if you do not have alot of trust in him. I trust hubby but still am insecure at times but it helps when he calls and reassures me everythings ok and he loves me.

It can work but if it is permanent then I have my doubts. I have sacrificed my career, and a lot more for my DH and at times I resent it but I have grown to understand that it is what ** I ** want, I want to be with him, I love him and believe in what he is doing, I made the choice and can not resent him for that. That is the trick.. never resent them if it is a choice you agreed to.


Hope that helps you.

[harkatsmom]

Aw Sweetie, that is only a question that you can answer, as only you know what you are willing to tolerate, or not...
Everyone is different , and there is no right or wrong answer, it just depends on what you need.

I myself could not do it, but that does not mean I am right....More like I am just a bigger sucky than my kids

[~thegirlsmum~]

Hmm............my DH is now a member of this forum and I commend anyone who is able to hold a long distance relationship. I really enjoy having my wonderful husband in view each day, our girls do too. It makes it handy that we're both sucky that way. But that's just us.(maybe)

I hope things turn out for you, sending you best wishes on your decision.