Temper Tantrums

[vibrantflame]

Logan is 21 months old and often has temper tantrums. I know it's the age....plus he doesn't talk much yet so he doesn't have an outlet for his frustrations. The problem is he is often prone to somewhat violent tantrums. If he has drink or food near him, he will throw it on the floor. If I'm holding him, he lashes out hitting or slapping me. We give him time-outs in his room for bad behaviour, but I think something more needs to be done when he acts this way.....something that lets him know right away to stop. But I don't know what to do? If I tell him to "stop" firmly he usually does, but he launches into a huge meltdown instead. Any suggestions would be great, because when he acts like this it makes me feel like I'm not in control.

[belle67]

I have no idea as my DD is 10 months but I am interested to hear some advice on this subject for when the time comes.

[ex0ticb3lla]

I have no idea ...but like above post, i'm interested. My son (who's 1) has started screaming at me (not whining or crying - an actual irritated scream) if I leave the room or take something away from him!

[juniperjune]

My son will only be 1 year old, as well. But I have heard that problem behaviour can be linked to diet. Some children may react negatively to certain foods. You can do all the right things with no effect. Apples and apple juice, sugar, cow's milk, wheat, flour... It can be an allergic reaction to a particular food. Try googling diet and behaviour problems. The internet has a wealth of information available. Good luck!

[ex0ticb3lla]

most of the stuff on the net about trying to control a childs diet to cow's milk, sugars and stuff like that is for ADHD....

[rachel1496]

We've been dealing with it with my nephew (18 months) for a few weeks now. When he gets frustrated he tends to bite and pull hair and it needs to stop. My sister put the playpen back up for that very reason. When he starts I usually say his name firmly. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, if it doesn't then he gets put in the playpen to work it off. The screaming drives me up the wall but most times he only needs a few minutes to work through the frustration and then he calms down.

It's basically just time out, which you're already doing but it's all we can think to do for now.

[alajen]

I started worrying about tantrums the day our daughter was born. My understanding was that toddlers have tantrums because they are frustrated and don't have a way to express themselves.

I thought that I could teach my daughter sign language as a way to cope with expressing basic needs (milk, water, hungry, full, more, etc.). Started when she looked like she was trying to understand what I was saying (around 9 months). She still went through a tantrum phase where she was (and still is) testing the limits. I would still check the basic needs to make sure there wasn't some other reason for her to be grumpy (hungry, thirsty, diaper), then I would distract her by laughing it off, acting silly, etc. But I would still stand firm on the reason for the tantrum. I would not tolerate hitting/slapping - stern tone, take away everything fun, turn off the TV and she would get a timeout in the crib.

If she threw something on the floor (food, sippy cup, etc.), I would take it away. Not for very long (few minutes), but long enough for her to know I mean business.

She is now two years old and is a pretty good kid. I have chat with her before we enter the store and I tell her to stay close and behave or we would turn around and go home. Not a threat, but just a I-mean-business tone. I will allow one warning in store, crouch and look her in the eye. If that fails, we pick up and leave (has only happened once)

[Maverick & Bronson's Mom]

My little one is 22 months and is in the middle of this behaviour. This is the time, when they are testing your limits to find out where their boundries are. When Mave gets mad, he either hits or throws things and is definately screaming crying at me. He'll throw himself down on the floor/couch etc.

This is our second time around this bend and so far, this is what has worked for both kids.

1. if he/she is upset you've taken something he/she shouldn't have. Say "no" and distract with another toy that they like. If this doesn't distract them from going into a fit, move to point #2.

2. Pick up the child, remove them from the area where the scene was being created (i.e. living room to the kitchen), sit them on the floor and say "no" and "time out" with your hand up in front like a stop sign. Then walk away (a few feet), but keep an eye on the tot, so they stay put and do something else (dishes, dusting) just don't make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they will start again. This helps my kids learn some self control. If the child moves from the spot you put him/her, put them back until they have control of themselves. If they hit you or someone else. I recommend taking their hands and holding them at their waist while explaining that that wasn't nice and no hitting. They understand far more than you think. If they continue to hit, I suggest putting them on a chair (their size), floor and walking away. The message there is "I don't want to talk or play with you if you treat me badly." If Mave keeps yelling or crying at me in an angry way, I tell him that if he doesn't control his temper, I will have to put him to bed. That usually stops the fit because he HATES going to bed. I also always tell my kids to control their temper, not let it control them.

I'm not sure about timeouts in their room, you don't want them to associate their bedroom with punishment. The playpen is a good idea, if you have one and if the child doesn't seem to be associating it with punishment.

Most important rule though is to make sure that they say or demonstrate that they are sorry. Compassion and empathy are key social skills that must be started early.

Time outs shouldn't be more than a few moments for a tot, but at 3, it's one minute per year of age. My first was so sensitive to being ignored, I gave him timeouts sitting on the bottom step of the stairs and ignored him completely. He absolutely hated that.

Since our kids are very little, after just a few minutes or so, go to the child and explain that that behaviour isn't nice and they need to say sorry. At this age, my son's version of sorry is to give a hug. If he's unwilling, I take his hand and stroke my forearm and look him in the eye and say sorry. He's getting the picture, but he has my foul temper.

When either of our kids ever has a fit in public, we just take the child from whatever excursion we are on and go home. They realize pretty quickly that fits result in loss of fun stuff.

None of these ideas will be supported by a daycare/caregiver etc because the new thing is not to say "no" and not to give timeouts. I'm just a parent of two kids and this is what works for mine. I'm sure there are other techniques, but I don't know them.

I agree as minimal sugar as possible as it can make the kids testy, as does lack of sufficient nap time.

My oldest is nine and I've talked to him like he is an adult since birth. As a result, he is highly communicative child regarding his feelings, experiences and doesn't hesitate to tell me when he thinks I've done something wrong. However, he does so in a respectful way and then I always say I'm sorry too.

Hope this gives you some ideas. Be firm. Remember, you are the parent and are there to guide their behaviour as they learn their boundries. You can do it.

[LisaLisaBoBisa]

DS is same age and does the same thing when he has decided he doesn't like that he is not getting what he wants. He can't have a cookie for dinner so he decides he wont have the very tasty (real meal) I put in front of him. He doesnt throw the plastic plate but he will push it far away from himself on the table. I just say out loud to him what I know he is trying to tell me *Nolan doesn't want to eat right now*... I give him a few minutes -- go about my own dinner and then offer him the plate again. He either shakes his head NO or he accepts it.. Either way, he doesnt get a cookie.

He does the slapping when he is angry or upset,frustrated. He only does it to me -- not often though.. I would say in total 10 times.. When he does -- I look him straight in the eye and say his name in the very firm mommy voice we all have. I shake my head NO as I say it to him. I do this 1-2 times and then say *Nolan, do not hit mommy*.. He does know as he does it that he shouldn't and often times I don't think it is in attempt to hit but rather get his point across that he is VERY unhappy about what is happening.. Of course, like your DS he isn't talking much..

He doesnt do other things like bite, pinch or pull my hair.. I would be more concerned if he took to those other things, but as it stands - I really think it is through lack of ability to verbally express..

Also, the mommy voice is helpful for other things -- like attempting to play in a dangerous way -- trying to throw kitty (horrible) and just generally getting their immediate attention.. I would suggest you use your mommy voice during the times when Logan tries the hitting..

Hope I am not off base ..

Logan is 21 months old and often has temper tantrums. I know it's the age....plus he doesn't talk much yet so he doesn't have an outlet for his frustrations. The problem is he is often prone to somewhat violent tantrums. If he has drink or food near him, he will throw it on the floor. If I'm holding him, he lashes out hitting or slapping me. We give him time-outs in his room for bad behaviour, but I think something more needs to be done when he acts this way.....something that lets him know right away to stop. But I don't know what to do? If I tell him to "stop" firmly he usually does, but he launches into a huge meltdown instead. Any suggestions would be great, because when he acts like this it makes me feel like I'm not in control.

[vibrantflame]

Thanks guys for all the advice!! It's good to see I'm not the only one dealing with this. Definitely going to try some of these tips out.

[zephara]

definitly try the foods as well. I have a 7 yr old son who is adhd as well as other things i am unyet aware of, and a 2 1/2 yr old son and he is almost as bad as older ds was at his age.

I have recently found that oatmeal and brown sugar in the morning gets him so wound up that I want to scream and cry!! Red food colouring as well does it to alot of kids. If you do try the food allergy thing cut out everything except water and rice for a few days, (3 or so) and slowly every 3 days add a new food, if behaviour is horrid again you have found a trigger. I am starting this with my youngest ds tommorrow.

He is horrid to the point where I actually want to spank him. He will do what ever he wants, he will scream and cry and yell and hit and bite until he gets what he wants. But sorry for him he is also the youngest of three and the last after an adhd/odd/ whatever else. So I have the patience and the tolersnce as well.

Another thing that is hard to do but works wonders sometimes is ignore them. if time-outs do not work for a particular behaviour try to ignore the tantrum if time and place permit. thhis is not some small feat it takes a huge amout of will power from you.
Remember tantrums are to get your attention, screaming comes when you say NO!, hitting comes when you touch them to put them in time-out, falling on the floor and sounding like you are tourturing them comes from them trying to get you aggrevated enough to just give in.

It is ok sometimes if you pick the rights one to ignore their outbursts, it is hard but remmebr as long as they are safe it is ok.

ex. My Mother-in-law, my 2 1/2 yr old son and I went for a walk, tyhe walk was his idea as he kept trying to escape the yard. It all started with him not wanting to put on his jacket or sweater so after asking him 3 times we went inside. after a half hour he finally agreed to wear a sweater. Then we started out and as soon as we got out of the drive-way and about 15 feet up the road he wanted me to carry him, he pulled on me tried to climb on me, tried to hit me, until finally he screamed and screamed and sat down on the ground I tried to divert his attention to no avail. So I walked away, grandma and I kept going, (much slower now of course and always had him in my sight) we got about 10 feety away and he ran up to us and started walking again. after ten mins. he tried it all over again and he got the same response. after trying this two or three more times he got the hint and we had a wonderful walk.

He found 3 special rocks a few leaves and even got to throw the stick for the dogs. it was great!!

[vibrantflame]

Thanks again for all of the advice. I was thinking a lot about it last night, and I think it is partly sleep issues, and partly him trying to assert his independence. He's usually as good as gold until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon when he goes through a period of being grumpy and prone to tantrums. I thought making him take a nap right after lunch would work better, but then he sleeps until 4 pm, gets up grumpy and won't go to bed until 8:30 at night. But he is also very independent about certain things, and he's at the age now where he realizes that he is independent of Mom and Dad. He thinks nap time and sometimes bed time are a game to see how long he can stay awake and if he can get Mom or Dad to believe he's asleep (lies there with his eyes shut and a huge grin on his face LOL).

As far as the hitting goes, I thought of something last night. The only time he hits me is when I pick him up because he's not cooperating. For example, I'll pick him up to bring him upstairs because he doesn't want to come. Or I'll pick him up to bring him into the car, or bring him in from outside because he's upset and doesn't want to come in. But I wonder if by picking him up, it makes him feel like he has no control over the situation? And so he gets so frustrated that he lashes out? I know certain things will trigger a temper tantrum no matter what, like bringing him in from playing outside. But maybe if I can teach him that he has to come inside without me picking him up, it would help him to feel more independent about it (like *he* decided to come in, not that he was forced to come inside). Does that make any sense?