Disciplining Your Child....

[vibrantflame]

I am curious. I read a lot of parenting articles, and I know that you can't follow every piece of advice given. But I've been reading a few articles lately that are suggesting time-outs have a negative impact on your child and can lead to them feeling angry and ostracized. They claim that time-outs don't teach your child anything, and that it's bad to allow themselves to calm down alone. So I am wondering.....how are we supposed to discipline our children??

I use time-outs....I don't put my son in his room, I make him sit on the floor in front of me and he is told he can get up when he has calmed down. Yes, he gets upset, but he always stays there until he is calm and then he gets up on his own and carries on.

Some articles suggest listening to your child's feelings, and using a firm voice to repeat what you want from them. I absolutely do believe in listening to your child's feelings. For example, if my son throws a fit because I brought him in from outside, I don't give him a time-out because I understand why he is upset. And I mirror his feelings back to him (i.e "I understand that you're upset because I brought you inside"). But this doesn't always work. When he's doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing but is determined to do, saying "I know you want to do this but you can't" only makes him more angry. And using a firm voice to repeat that I don't want him doing something results only in (a) him doing it anyways and (b) him throwing a huge fit everytime I repeat not to do it. There are times where he works himself into such a temper tantrum that I put him in a time-out because I am seriously concerned that he will hurt himself.

So again....just wondering if spanking, yelling, bribing, and now time-outs are concerned bad, how do we discipline our children? It's nice to think that reasoning with them like they were adults would work, but we know it doesn't always!

[mdutka]

first thing is i think sometimes a tantrum is unavoidable. like others have said before, a 2 year old is not emotionally mature enough to understand and handle negative emotions. having said that you can do things to try to minimize the size and frequency of tantrums by avoiding triggers or distracting etc. and just because they are sometimes unavoidable doesnt mean that they are acceptable. your child needs discipline to learn that there are things that he just cant get away with and learn to respect authority. notice how the last 20 years or so people have been saying "dont spank, dont do time outs etc" and now young people in general have no respect for authority?? anyways i use time outs. they are effective but not immediatley. i dont put my son in a corner because i dont want him to feel like i hate him or feel bad about himself, if he is completely freaking and he is really pushing my buttons i will put him in his crib and shut the door and leave. but usually he has a timeout in the same room as me.

i have heard that the amount of time should match the age ie 2 min for 2 year old. i disagree, i make him stay in timeout until he is calm again because that is my objective for putting him in timeout to begin with.

i put him in the timeout and i tell him "when you stop screaming (or whatever) you can come out" and usually he freaks out more at first but i just ignore him and go about my business like he is not there. when he is calm i tell him he can come out of time out and i give him a hug and explain why his behaviour was unacceptable.

i think bribery can be usefull in its place. for example i tell him that if he is a good boy at "church" he will get a treat after. and good means mostly sitting in his seat and being relatively quiet. or when we make a long trip at the mall he gets to pick one small treat and if he is bad he gets it taken away and we go home.

i always make him apologize to me or daddy or whoever for the bad behaviour and then we give him hugs and kisses.

at the end of the day when i am putting him to bed, i tell him all the good things he did that day and how happy his good behaviour made me but also i will tell him if he did something bad and how it made me really sad but i still love him, i just dont want him to do it again.

the key is consistency because it doesnt always work and when it doesnt, its easy to give up but after a while it will work more and more often.

just a warning......expect everything to fall apart and behaviour to take 2 steps backward when you have your baby. just start all over again

[froggiestyle]

beat them.........
oh ya make sure there are no witnesses tho

[chinook]

My advice: Time outs are not harmful. My children are adults now,but when they were small, I'd give them time outs, because as mdutka said "tantrums are unavoidable" and something must be done about them. My theory, let them know that their behavior, not them, is unacceptable. Let them know you love them, but you don't love the tantrums. My kids are great, well adjusted and use common sense. They both work in the medical field and are responsible adults. If this is the outcome of a few time outs, then I don't think they are harmful at all. Just my opinion

[swouper2]

Time outs don't hurt kids if they are done with love and understanding.

Time outs hurt kids if they're always done in anger and spite.

Really - every method of discipline is both good or bad depending on how they are used. Even calmly explaining to a child what is expected is very negative if there are angry and spiteful undertones from the parent.

I'm not saying don't ever get angry - it's good for kids to learn that sometimes we get mad and that doesn't mean we don't love them...

All I'm saying is that if you love and respect your children, whatever method you choose to discipline will work out just fine, as long as you ensure that they know that you love and respect them.

[blondeblondy]

Time outs work for us as well. And rewards. If your bad.. don't expect treats later on

[sonic_blue_hands]

I see no issue with time outs as long as they are not used without reason.
Like with everything else moderation is the key.
Bribs work sometimes, sometimes reasoning will work too and sometimes 3 mins sitting down will do the trick.

Froggy is you beat them use a sack of oranges as it won't leave bruises... LOL

I think it all depends on the parenting style and the childs personality. We haven't used time outs yet as my sons 18 months old but he knows. He looses crayons and food and in stores if I need an extra 5 mins to get through the checkout you better beleive I am reaching in my purse and grabbing an arrowroot.

Situation for situation moderation is the key and lots of hugs and cuddles.

A good attack from the tickle monster gets my son back on track. Takews him mind of whatever upset him.

[Milton4doe]

I think time outs work but I have also been in situations when my children have needed me to hug and hold them because the tantrum was too much. I now have learned my lesson and intervene before it ever gets to that point. I was in Zellers once and a young girl around 8 yrs old was so worked up and bawling and upset that my own eyes actually started to tear up

[vibrantflame]

I think time outs work but I have also been in situations when my children have needed me to hug and hold them because the tantrum was too much. I now have learned my lesson and intervene before it ever gets to that point. I was in Zellers once and a young girl around 8 yrs old was so worked up and bawling and upset that my own eyes actually started to tear up

Oh, absolutely, I think that is one of the big parts of being a parent....knowing when to be firm and knowing when to be gentle.

[anisa]

beat them.........
oh ya make sure there are no witnesses tho

lol!

[itsjustmebub]

A good attack from the tickle monster gets my son back on track. Takes him mind of whatever upset him.

that's sweet

[mummyto2]

There is a book called 123 Magic that is supposed to be great. its the discipline thats "1" thats "2" thats "3" and then they go to a corner, naughty chair etc.

I haven't read it yet but just got it from our local library

[froggiestyle]

goodluck with that
no need to read...give em three tries and then they're in the corner, oh ya that was tons of fun. Listening to a kid throw a fit for 2 hours on a 2 mins puishment, fun fun.
It did settle down after the first week, but theres nothing worse than a kid screaming, i cannot stand the sound. Not saying I give in, no, I have to bite the inside of mouth cuz crying and tantrums make my hair stand on end.
Its one thing to hear your kid cry because they are hurt- its another thing to listen to it just because they are mad/knows it bugs you/etc. They are worlds best manipulators.

[itsjustmebub]

They are worlds best manipulators.

LOL, so true!
Every time for the last 2 weeks that I get angry about something my son says " oh mommy it was just a joke/trick"
SIGH

[mummyto2]

the 123 Magic is working for my 2year old but we had already started putting him in the corner so he is used to the corner already.