How To Be Civil?

[babygonnermann]

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation here.

My girlfriend's husband was caught lying and cheating on her. Well, they are splitting up, as well as the other couple. Her husband is now "dating" the other woman. He's moving out (this week, hopefully) into an apartment around the corner from my friend because he wants to stay close to the two kids they have.

Here's the problem. My hubby is on the fire department as a Lieutenant, and the lying, cheating ba$%ard is on the same department. I have never liked or trusted this guy from the moment I met him. However, I feel like I have an obligation to my hubby to be civil to this guy because they work together.

How do I do that? I'm afraid that the first time I see him, I'm going to be tearing a strip up one side and down the other on him.

[save_girl]

You might find that the easiest way to be civil is to avoid him. Any event or time you run into him grit your teeth, smile, and immediately excuse yourself to go talk to someone else or continue your errand, etc. I think in this situation having a polite conversation might not be doable for a long while!!!

[Tuktu60]

It's not easy to hold your tongue and be civil when you want to just scream at the person who hurt someone you care about. Try and think about the kids, your friend and your husband who all have to deal with this "ex-husband" - they all would be put into awkward positions if you got upset and said something you might regret. Regardless of his actions, he wants to stay close to the kids - so that is a good thing. I guess you have to overlook the bad stuff he's done and try and do your best not to interfere too much. I've been dealing with a similar situation with my friend and her husband but I have to stay civil with him even though I don't like him. I don't see him that often Thank God, but we are occasionally in the same room and I don't want him to be rude to me and I don't want to be rude to him. Ultimately, its between him and my friend, not me and him.

[Stormie]

Better off to keep the interaction in a 'professional collegue' (sp?) type situation as like others have mentioned ... Hubby has to work with this guy and so for that reason alone i'd be civil but excuse myself politely if being addressed and move on elsewhere.

That's all I've got LOL

[DiamondLil]

I agree with SaveGirl. I dont expect this person to be entirely happy with dealing with you socially (after all, you are friends with his soon to be ex-wife and are privy to all the lowlife actions he has done against her). Unless he is trying to get back into good graces with your girlfriend, I truly dont believe he will be trying to have long conversations with you anytime soon.

[Justine]

I know your husband works with him, but, when do you have to deal with him personally?

[babygonnermann]

I know your husband works with him, but, when do you have to deal with him personally?

There are a few events that the department puts on yearly, which all of the members bring their significant others.

We also live in a very small town, and it's really hard to avoid everyone all the time.

[Andit]

Can you simply ignore him? If he tries to start a conversation, say "Excuse me, I have to call the babysitter & check on my son". Chances are he wants as little to do with you as you do with him. & right now everything is fresh & painful for all parties. You'll be busy for the next little while anyway with the little ones, so by the time you run into him, your friend might be on a better life path & no longer upset.

You can't change what happened to your friend, & the last thing you need to do is get in the middle of their issues.

I had a friend call me today upset with her silly twit of a bf - he was trying to dump all responsibility in their relationship onto her. Suffice to say he wants to have fun, but not do any work. I told her to make a list of pros & cons & come to her own conclusion. My opinion is useless, since I'm not living her life & what I would choose is not necessarily the right choice for her. Sorry, didn't mean to digress.

Just be supportive of your friend, & ignore the ex. Anything beyond hello & good bye, or even just a nod, is unnecessary.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[Judstir]

Good advice from all of the above posts. Hopefully you will find a way to deal with this problem.

[Hsooley]

Even though he sounds like a real dirty wanker, you should be civil and keep face. Even though you want to make him a new A^%hole, best thing is to be adult and keep the peace. Doesn't mean you have to be all smiley and really nice to him but maybe avoid having convos with him unless he says something to you. Then give him the stink eye as he walks away

[thecountess]

My own way of dealing would most likely be the same as what others have said.... to just avoid him. It gets my back up when someone hurts a friend and especially in the beginning it would be hard for me to reserve comment.

If I did run in to him somewhere and had to say hello he would be able to tell that I was being civil strictly to avoid making a scene.... and he would definitely be picking up on a subtly frosty undertone to anything I said

[cheapskate101]

i remember a couple of years ago, my neighbour cheated on his wife with the BABYSITTER!!! and then he left and moved in down the street with her

[thecountess]

i remember a couple of years ago, my neighbour cheated on his wife with the BABYSITTER!!! and then he left and moved in down the street with her

That would be awful.... especially in a small town

[sarah_300c]

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you because I know it wold not be possible for me to polite to him. Grrrr!

[babygonnermann]

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you because I know it wold not be possible for me to polite to him. Grrrr!

That's how I feel.

But, I must heed the advice that everyone so generously offered. For the sake of my friend and her kids, and my hubby, I must just avoid him if I can, and try as much as possible not to talk to him.

However, if I come on here one day and start a new thread about what I have done, you will know why.

My biggest fear is that he's going to bring this other woman to the Christmas function this year. The problem? She was a girlfriend of a guy on the department as well, and the wounds are just way too fresh right now. I will not be able to hold my tongue if he does that this year, nor will I stay for dinner. I just won't stand for that.