A long happy marriage-how do you do it?

[Kalmel]

we fight like cats and dogs but love each other. we are both stubborn and don't like to let things go.i asked him once if we should just divorce we fight so much over little things,and he said a couple that doesn't fight has something wrong..

my parents fought like cats and dogs too and have been together for over 35 years.

My sister and her husband are the same way. We used to bring a movie at there place but they fought so much over everything..we now just bring the pop-corn and let them entertain us. ...for free..

[deevious]

My DH and I have been married for 30 years, I think its just a matter of him being my best friend and treating each other with consideration and respect. Talking, talking, talking, and never letting the sun go down on anything that needs to be cleared up.

BEST advice ever! DH and I made this pact...we've been married almost 21 years! Don't get me wrong, it's always a work in progress and not perfect, but it sure helps when you're on the same page

[walkonby]

Oh I love all the great posts. Natalka, Lynn, as usual wise, wise words.

So a long and happy marriage huh? Well I guess I qualify for the long ( since 1979 )
but the happy part I have trouble with.
Is every day in a marriage supposed to be a happy day? If so, then we failed.
Our percentages are high, more laughs than not, but there is no denying the work it takes to sustain a loving relationship. Compromise, honesty, selflessness, yes all that and patience too.

We navigated as best we could each day. When we started our journey together, we had very high expectations for our life together. Did I say we? Maybe I meant me.
DH is the sweetest man I know, generous to a fault, so he probably thought he had
" won the lottery " and didn't expect much more. lol
We probably thought we really " knew " everything there was to know about the other person....and then we discovered the " little things ".
Never underestimate the small things/behaviours/habits that you or your partner do/say/exhibit on a regular basis, because it does start out cute/amusing/quirky and then one day one of you goes OMG! stop doing/saying/acting like that!!
Bam! You have a possible argument going.

Time is the key, time is the answer, time heals all wounds.
Someone once asked us once when we married and I said we been together since 1979, and they said that was not accurate, as the actual wedding date was later.

Well all I gotta say is IF I had murdered DH in 1979, I would have been out of jail by now, so I say TIME served counts.
Please don't get upset by that comment, it was purely for a laugh.
I guess that is what our marriage boils down to really, can we still laugh together, and the answer is yes and hope to for a very long time.

Something like these two

[vibrantflame]

Well I've only been married for almost 6 years, so I don't think that qualifies for a "long" marriage....I'll come back in 20 years or so and let you know

But seriously, very good points brought out here. I know all this stuff and I still find it hard to apply it (it's very hard not to call DH a jerk when he's acting like one, for example!). I can't say that we never argue, but we never go to sleep angry with each other.

One thing I think worth mentioning is if ever you feel resentful to your spouse for anything, talk it out. If you don't, that resentment will fester and you'll end up resenting them for the rest of their life. My in-laws are like this - they resent each other for things that they did 20 years ago, and they have built up so much resentment against each other that now they can barely stand to be around each other (constant arguing, really mean name calling, separate bedrooms when they used to share one, etc.)

[kanewtz]

I just say "Yes Dear"...and let her win LOL.

Saves me time/effort/energy.

[Shwa Girl]

My grandparents were married 67 years....they slept in separate bedrooms lol

Hmmm.
Heard this trend isn't gone.
Some new home builders have two master bedrooms as part of their plans.
Some bed and mattress makers are up on this trend.
http://hamptonroads.com/node/264431

[DH666]

I just say "Yes Dear"...and let her win LOL.

Saves me time/effort/energy.

Too true! Happy wife, happy life.

[hollyquaiscer]

My DH and I have been married well over 30 years, and all I can say is you need to fight fair. We all have arguments, but when a person says mean or hateful things it will always escolate. Next time, bite your tongue, and if DH says something mean or hurtful, say thats not fair of you and leave the room. Go for a walk, run, jog, clean the bathroom. Whatever you have to do wo work off some steam as you will be real mad and hurt. Let him stew a bit and over time he will realize that he is being a bit of a jerk. It does work! And remember, never give up. People seem to be so willing to through away marriages these days, and remember it should be for life. You will work through it, you are a very smart person.

[anisa]

...Time is the key, time is the answer, time heals all wounds.
Someone once asked us once when we married and I said we been together since 1979, and they said that was not accurate, as the actual wedding date was later.

Well all I gotta say is IF I had murdered DH in 1979, I would have been out of jail by now, so I say TIME served counts.
Please don't get upset by that comment, it was purely for a laugh.
I guess that is what our marriage boils down to really, can we still laugh together, and the answer is yes and hope to for a very long time.
...

lol! my mom (out of frustration) would say "we've been married 25 years! even a life sentence would be over by now!"

[couponandoff]

Well all I gotta say is IF I had murdered DH in 1979, I would have been out of jail by now, so I say TIME served counts.

laughed my tits off.

[walkonby]

lol! my mom (out of frustration) would say "we've been married 25 years! even a life sentence would be over by now!"

laughed my tits off.

Thanks guys, that is what it is all about, laugh till your tits fall off!

[lilo0003]

Also married 17 yrs, 1994 must have been a good year. The secret is the kids, neither one of us wants to raise them alone so we stay together. Just kidding.
We never fight & rarely disagree about important stuff and no name calling ever (it is so unhealthy), trust & respect are critical to the success of a relationship and you can never take back mean & hurtful words. We do get frustrated with each other and we can be smart assed and sarcastic. But we both agree we came into this 4ever (his words).
My parents have been married 44 yrs & his 55 yrs, but trust me if either of us ever gets as crabby as my father or his mother we have given each other permission to kill the other.

[donna007]

Sorry all for the late thank you for all the supporting posts made here, I didn't expect such a response,,,I've been popping in and out of this thread while attending to my 2 kids,,,
As far, you all have sooooo many good advices and as I'm reading and re-reading the comments I'm digusting them slowly, lots of good things to be absorbed.

[donna007]

My grandparents were married 67 years....they slept in separate bedrooms lol

It's weird, that I know many of my friends parents who also done the same, they stay married but sleep on separate beds, I wonder if that's part of the successful marriage equation...

[poppleton]

There is some awesome advice in this thread!! We've only been married six years, but my sweet hubby and I are very happy . I think respect is a bit part of it - we try to always think the best of each other's intentions, and we really enjoy each other's company. We've been dealing with a really challenging long-term illness for three years now, and it sure has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger. We don't call names, don't bring up past arguments, and one of us always puts an end to a disagreement before it gets heated.

A long time ago, I read a little quote where the author said her grandmother decided on her wedding day that she would always forgive her husband's three worst faults. When asked the secret to being happily married for many, many years, the grandmother replied that she had never decided what those three faults were, so she just forgave them all.

And, an advice column years ago contained a question about what to do with a snoring spouse. An older woman who had just lost her husband responded to the question, saying that she would give anything to have her husband snoring beside her again. When DH does something that irks me, I often remember that story and realize that I really would miss those annoying habits if something happened to him!