Party guest rant

[Giddymonkey]

I have to share this because it is driving me crazy.

This past weekend we hosted a 65th birthday party for my FIL. Nothing too big, about 20 of his friends & family. We know all of the guests but even so, they are all his parents friends we expected them to all sit around outside and enjoy themselves while myself, DH, my SIL and her boyfriend took care of everything. Well, the first guests show up and instead of going outside to chat and mingle, the ladies came into MY kitchen and started washing dishes and organizing the food. Hello? I am the hostess, I am quite capable of handling this on my own, and if I need help I have designated people to do that or I will ask. Seriously, I would never go to a party at anyone's house and just start doing their dishes. I would ask if there is anything I could do to help but would otherwise just enjoy the party. We had everything under control, all they had to do was go outside and have a drink. The one lady is really nice, but I am really glad she isn't my MIL. She is the type who will do redo something if it isn't done "her way". The 2 or 3 times she has come over to our place she ends up doing "housework" while she is here. The last time she emptied the waste basket in the powder room (it only had a tp tube and a few tissues in it). Am I wrong for being offended? Isn't it rude or weird to take it upon yourself to do the host's job when you are a guest. I can see clearing some plates, or offering to take something outside, but please, stay out of my kitchen and leave the work to me.

Thanks. I needed that.

[IMLN]

Sorry but I say you want work during my party, go ahead and get crazy, want a rag to?

But I’m like that, I hate doing all the work and I like the help if it’s offered, I would never expect my guess to help, but always enjoy myself better when I have extra hands.

But I do get some are not like me…

[SavenRaven]

I don't think your wrong at all. It's your party and if you don't want the help then they should back off. I'm the same way. Sometimes I feel like putting up "do not enter" signs on my kitchen doorway.

As far as the lady emptying your bathroom wastebasket... I would also take that as offensive. Probably would never have her in my home again.

[MomOfOne79]

You are not wrong, I would be offended. if I was the hostess I would expect the guest to be just that!! A guest. If it was a potluck-type event, I would expect people to be in my kitchen prepping/putting finishing touches on their dish, but NOT come into my house and start doing my housework. When I am a guest I always ask if there is anything I can do to help out, and if not, tI do not take that as an open invitation to start scrubbing their toilets!!

[Ciel]

You are correct about being asked if help is needed first (since these individuals were friends of family, it is easier to say no then yes to them). Wonder how it would go over if you "just" happened to organize their fridges, cut the food to look better, etc. or even direct what food goes on which dish when you visit.

Next time (and there might just be an occasion that the guests are over), have one of your family members lead them out with a tray of drinks and start them chatting. Basically have that member act as a "guard dog" to the kitchen and keep them occupied on the deck. Or you get sloshed and greet them at the door with drinks tray and proceed to pin their attention on you, while your family takes on the kitchen duties.

You might get some relief from reading Cindy Adams' recent ranting about having house guests and be grateful your party guests were not overnighters.
http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/cind...eZhj2TaQDpvVXL

[Minou]

Invasion of the over-helpful senior women!

They want to feel needed! They probably would have catered the affair had they been given a chance!

While it's usual for my husband's aunts to bring a bunch of food for baby showers, when they called to ask what they should bring to my SIL's baby shower (I was hosting at our house), they were told, "Oh, just a gift for the baby!" It took a while to convince them, but in the end they seemed to enjoy not having to do work (most showers on my husband's side are held in church halls, necessitating a lot of work and attendance by far-flung and distant relatives, but this case was a bit of a young and unwed surprise, so it was kept smaller)

Honestly, I just didn't want all the people and containers and bustle in my kitchen!

[Giddymonkey]

Invasion of the over-helpful senior women!

Yes!!! DH says it's the "old Ukrainian lady" way, but I'm sure it spans many cultures.

I completely don't mind if people ask if they can help, but please ask and be assigned a job before you starting doing what YOU think needs to be done, rather than what the HOST actually needs doing. Funny enough, none of them were around at the end of the party when there was lots of cleaning to do and I would have loved the help. Heck, I would have pulled the vacuum and mop out for 'em.

[ColleenMGorecki]

Well l think you have to realize that you are dealing with seniors and that is the way most act. She was just trying to make your work easier. Did you ever suggest that she go outside and mingle. Women in that era were expected to help with the work inside so l don't think you should feel so offended. Just think that you made her day with trying to be helpful

[DaveP]

When I'm cooking, people enter my kitchen at their own risk. The more plates I have spinning in the air, the better. But you are NOT helping by getting in my way.

[hollyquaiscer]

Since this has happened in the past with the same person, I'm inquiring if you have spoken with her? Since she is older, this is the way things were done, we just help each other out, and by her doing these things in your home, I'm sure she was thinking she was just give you a hand.
If you were to sit with her for a few minutes and explain to her that when you invite her to your home, you want her to be a GUEST. Tell her that you really appreciate her help, but that is not why you invited her. Request that she get a nice drink and go out and visit with the others and let her know that you have everything under control. You could even say to her that after eating (if you are planning a meal) you would love it if she could give you a hand with the cleanup. That way, she will realize that she is needed, but at a certain point.

What she is doing, is her way of helping out, and because she doesn't know what to do, she is just doing what she thinks will help you. I know it feels like an invasion, and honestly, she should ask first, but I'm sure she mean no harm. I always ask when I'm invited to a function, what I can bring, or what I can do to help out. If the answer is nothing, I will wait until after the meal and ask again, as cleanup help is always greatly appreciated.

[Kalmel]

oh i dont know about this one. They are seniors and i'm sure they didnt try to be helpful to get you all upset. Usually, i read posts about people being selfish and on the flip side, i read about people actually care enough to go as far as cleaning a waste basket in a powder room..lol! I find this really nice and i wish more people would be this way.

[Slaney]

I would have snapped on these people. Who does that!?
I have a friend who washes our dishes if she's here when we're not home. One day she washed our dishes (with a stove top scrunge), picked up all the pop cans my husband left scattered around the house & threw out a box with a coupon & took the garbage out. I reamed her out lol. Now she knows if it looks like garbage there's a reason it's sitting on my table or else my hubby is being a slob & he can clean up after himself. And I make sure I don't have any dishes in my sink.
Last time she was here we had 1 pot soaking in the sink & she washed it & used a scrunge again. So she got in trouble again. She also changed the cat's litter box.
At least now I know she's going to do things so I've made a sign that says "the scrunges are for the stove, sponges are for dishes & pineapple dishsoap is not for stealing"

[Minou]

I would have snapped on these people. Who does that!?
I have a friend who washes our dishes if she's here when we're not home. One day she washed our dishes (with a stove top scrunge), picked up all the pop cans my husband left scattered around the house & threw out a box with a coupon & took the garbage out. I reamed her out lol. Now she knows if it looks like garbage there's a reason it's sitting on my table or else my hubby is being a slob & he can clean up after himself. And I make sure I don't have any dishes in my sink.
Last time she was here we had 1 pot soaking in the sink & she washed it & used a scrunge again. So she got in trouble again. She also changed the cat's litter box.
At least now I know she's going to do things so I've made a sign that says "the scrunges are for the stove, sponges are for dishes & pineapple dishsoap is not for stealing"

I'd give her a key!!!

[Slaney]

She does have a key! lol
The first time she did the dishes I was at work & she came over with her hubby when he was doing some work on her house & she got bored. I thought she was joking til I got home & couldn't find anything.

[Minou]

Yes!!! DH says it's the "old Ukrainian lady" way, but I'm sure it spans many cultures.

Oh my goodness! Your husband is so right! Older Ukrainian women in my husband's family are so helpful that they sometimes make their daughters completely unable to do anything for themselves!

When I first visited my now-husband's parents' house, there was a red and white magnet on the refrigerator with UKRAINIAN KITCHEN written in big red letters. It just seemed so "territorial" or something that it flooded me with a wave of panic --I mean, my mother would never have had a "Scottish Kitchen" magnet on her fridge, and I couldn't imagine them making such a thing! I wanted to run!

Anyway, I found out much later that my husband had bought it for his mother as a joke. He thought my reaction to it was hilarious. As it turned out, his mother passed away in 2003, a year or so before we were married.

A few weeks ago, his dad called, wanting to have my husband and his sister go through some of his mom's things that had been stored in the garage. Well, my husband came home that evening with a box of odds and ends. He showed me some of the items (and you can imagine the household items a man would consider important -- "Look, a basket! Look, a tin tray from Regal catalogue! Look! A tiny basket of wooden mushrooms!", and then asked me to close my eyes and put out my hand.

I'm now the owner of a "UKRAINIAN KITCHEN" magnet.