Spoiled child driving me nuts - help!

[angel_2011]

I am constantly reminded that I am not the parent

If this is how your bf views you now, he will ALWAYS view you in that manner - you are basically a "nobody" and his son sees it and senses it - which is why the son treats you with disrespect. I doubt the father is going to change - like others have said, he sees his son only on the weekends and hes probably overcompensating for that. Make him understand that although you may not be the child's biological parent, you love him just the same, and ur only concerned about the child and his behaviour.

[rainbowsnbucks]

I appreciate all of your perspectives.

I agree that the child could use more alone time with his father. They do get quite a bit, considering the child's visits begin Thursdays or Fridays (alternating) and my boyfriend does not work Fridays whereas the earliest I'll be home is 6:30. They go to hockey games or gather firewood together, but they don't spend a lot of alone time once I am home. It would help if they did (I'd love some alone time just for me!), but I can appreciate my boyfriend may not have the energy to go out and do a bunch of things on his own with the child.

Perhaps I need to spend more time away, but I honestly lack the energy. Including the commute, I put in 12-hour work days and want nothing more than to just relax at home when the weekend hits. Which is tough to do... I keep waiting and hoping that the child will get tired and want to go to bed soon, but 10pm hits, 11pm, midnight (with crying every half hour or so because he IS tired... just doesn't want to go to bed yet), and finally he goes to bed - at the point that I am passing out myself. And then 4:30am hits and I wake up to shouts for his father and can't get back to sleep. And then begins another day...

Wow, that was a rant. Sorry, but I needed it.

The candy has never really been much of an issue. It only became one in the example I posted because I had become so frustrated with his behaviours that I couldn't believe he was helping himself to candy at that moment and I attempted to say no. I don't usually step into that role, because it's not my place - I'm not the parent. I was angry and felt the need to step in.

As far as my boyfriend's relationship with the mother goes, well - it doesn't. There's really no communication, and I myself have seen her so infrequently that I'm not 100% sure I would recognise her in a grocery store. Though it may be helpful to have everybody on the same page, I would not feel comfortable suggesting or attending a meeting of the two of them.

Ultimately, regardless of how or why the situation has become what it is, it is something that I am not willing to continue to deal with. I'll express my position to my boyfriend, I will offer my own ideas as well as yours on how positive changes can be made (if that is something that he is interested in), or I will begin making plans to move back to the town I work in.

I'll admit that I am selfish. This is mostly about how the parenting and the resulting behaviours affect me. But I feel that is just as valid as my secondary concern, which is that the child is going to have many more serious issues as he becomes older.

[abbasgirl]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Everyone needs some down time and it sounds like instead of getting it, you're getting a weekend of stress instead. And keep in mind that the current situation is not at all good for your boyfriend or his son either.
I think you're right to get out of there if things don't change and I think having a discussion with your boyfriend and letting him know about the issues and the time limit is a good way of going about it.
In the meantime, maybe you should spend your weekends at a spa.

[icangarden]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Everyone needs some down time and it sounds like instead of getting it, you're getting a weekend of stress instead. And keep in mind that the current situation is not at all good for your boyfriend or his son either.
I think you're right to get out of there if things don't change and I think having a discussion with your boyfriend and letting him know about the issues and the time limit is a good way of going about it.
In the meantime, maybe you should spend your weekends at a spa.

I totally agree. And you are certainly not being selfish....you are simply being realistic. Good luck to you and all the best.

[rachel1496]

You're not being selfish, you're being honest. You didn't create this mess and you can't be the one to solve it. I feel for this kid because it sounds like he's screaming, literally, for someone to just establish some ground rules and no one that can do it will do it.

More than that, you need a break. My situation is very different from yours but both of my kids were terrible sleepers and I was regularly going on 2-4 hours of sleep a night. You can't sustain that for any long period of time and if you're working that much and commuting I'd guess you're not sleeping that well during the week either. If it's at all possible to swing it financially I would look into booking a hotel room for a weekend very soon. It doesn't have to be anything fancy just a place with a quiet room and a bed where you can get some sleep.

[Granger]

There is a lot of good advice on this thread already, including some different POVs. I will say it is not selfish to weigh your involvement in the life of a child. Doing whatever you think is best for you will also be best for that little family.

[Darth Penguin]

I'll admit that I am selfish. This is mostly about how the parenting and the resulting behaviours affect me. But I feel that is just as valid as my secondary concern, which is that the child is going to have many more serious issues as he becomes older.

I remember being 7 or 8 and DF was taking me and my sister away for a long week-end with him and his second wife and my mother on saying good-bye mentioned how glad she was that she could do this and that...AND go out for the evening.

As a child, I was heart-broken..my mother was planning on being selfish and wasn't going to miss me...As I grew up I realised that wasn't the case..yes she was going to miss us BUT she was looking forward to time alone and being her own person and not just a working woman with kids.

What I'm trying to say is one of the things we need to realise as parents is sometimes...we have to put ourselves first. If only to haev 5 mins in the shower or a cup of coffee in peace. Now the brood is old enough to need less attention, I can be far more self-caring.

[Darth Penguin]

If this is how your bf views you now, he will ALWAYS view you in that manner - you are basically a "nobody" and his son sees it and senses it - which is why the son treats you with disrespect. I doubt the father is going to change - like others have said, he sees his son only on the weekends and hes probably overcompensating for that. Make him understand that although you may not be the child's biological parent, you love him just the same, and ur only concerned about the child and his behaviour.

My father was tha same...his second wife was reminded frequently and often in public that she wasn't our mother. Of course that meant we pushed the limits constantly. Children are often cruel deliberately, not because they know no better but because they can get away with it.. I still feel bad about some of the stunts I pulled against my 1st step-mother.

rainbows..without knowing anything about your beloved and his ex's love lives...is it possible that there has been a series of short-term partners that one parent or the other or both have been involved with? I'm only asking because if the son is used to an everchanging new face, then he's not going to bond with any-one who he feels is not going to be part of his life long-term.

[i_forget]

Behaviour is an amazing subject to study.

The basis of behaviour is 1. what triggers the behaviour 2. the behaviour 3. the consequence.

There is always a reason for the behaviour, which is 1. access to tangible (wanting something) 2. attention (social) 3. escape/avoidance and 4. sensory

Once we understand WHY a behaviour is happening, we can change the behaviour by putting in place expectations and guiding them.....reinforcing positive behaviours and ignoring negative ones, modelling acceptable behaviour and so forth.

If a child is always given attention when they are acting out, and they desire the attention, they will continue to act out because they do not care if the attention is positive or negative, only that the attention is given.

This can be applied to both adults and children. If you want to make changes, you will have to start with your BF.

[marstec]

Ultimatums never work out in the long run, so for you to give your boyfriend up to six months to work things out...I don't think that's reasonable. A child who has gotten away with murder for much of his little life is going to resist any change. It will take many months of behaviour modification just to get any results.

So, if you want to make things livable for yourself, you need to have that discussion with the boyfriend sooner than later, and have him onside with changing his son's behaviour. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change, and really, the ball is in your court whether you want to live with this situation or not. Like I said, you can "threaten" to leave him and hope he does something about it, but the risk you take is that he might not be willing to work to change anything...then you have to follow through with ending the relationship. Whatever you do...do not marry this man or start a family with him until this is sorted out.

Kudos to your boyfriend for wanting to maintain a relationship with his son, even though he isn't displaying the best parenting...best of luck to you.

[rainbowsnbucks]

I don't tend to see it as much of an ultimatum, rather a grace period. I don't expect the world to change in six months, rather I'm just looking for a noticeable difference in the way he responds to behavioral episodes. For instance, if an exact repeat of my example were to occur six months from now after he has agreed to make changes, I will know that nothing has been done and will have to make a change for myself - however if the situation starts in a similar way and is handled in a more effective manner, I will know that my message has gotten through and changes in the behaviours will follow in time.

There haven't been a lot of new partners in his parents' lives. I've definitely considered that aspect of it, having had my own parents divorce when I was quite young (4) and going through new people and personalities coming and going. I've been around pretty much every weekend for just over a year, from the time he was 4.5 to now while he is 5.5. Though it is clear he has a special resentment for me, he doesn't treat his father all that much better either. The difference is that it bothers me, while the father doesn't seem to mind it. For instance, he will shout at his father "Come here right now or I'm going to punch you!" and the father's response is, "Okay, okay!". Or, sitting in the back seat, he will shout "Get me a slurpee RIGHT NOW!". The father will tell him that he needs to say please, and then will pull in to the nearest gas station and buy the child a slurpee.

I do need some time away to relax, I think. It's definitely not possible financially to get a spa treatment or a hotel at the moment, but I do have a tent and sleeping bag... and the cold doesn't bother me too much. A solo camping trip might be nice.

[abbasgirl]

I didn't see it as an ultimatum either. I think you're just telling yourself this isn't working and this is how much more time you're willing to give it, so that you can either leave with no regrets, knowing that you did your best or stay if there are some changes.
I wasn't totally serious about the spa, but I think you got the idea. You have no control over what happens so if you decide you're going to stay for another 6 months, you need to focus on what you do have control over - getting time away by yourself to recharge your batteries. Camping sounds fun. But make sure you take time out every weekend, even if it's just for a few hours. Go out for coffee or dinner or a movie. I used to work an hour away from home and between shifts, if I needed somewhere to hang out for a few hours and it was too cold to go to a park, I would go to the library. It's free, quiet and there's usually comfy chairs where you can relax or read a book.

[saddlebag]

i hate to say it but unfortunately there is nothing you can do. his father has to be the one to take charge of his son and decide whats best for him. his father doesn't seem to want to change the situation and you cant do anything about it...

the only thing you can control is if you stay in the relationship or not.

Francine is right.....things are only going to continue to get worse as the child gets older....and unfortunately it's going to cause some major problems between you and your bf

[sarah_cio]

I think your bf is not going to get anywhere by being a spineless parent just because he feels guilty. Why can't he see his son more? Is this something he can speak to the child's mother about. Also, how does she discipline him? It is really unfair to the child to be able to have no boundaries or rules. He is 5 so he can't make decisions for himself and doesn't know safety yet. I am sorry to say it but this maybe a sign of the future. It might be best to move on if you talk to him and it gets nowhere. You will resent this child if you have your own kids with your bf and there is a double standard (as I am guessing you would not parent your own children this way)...a big reason why couples split up is different parenting styles. At least you have this insight now.

[momof5boys]

I have to disagree. If my son was screaming, yelling, throwing his things, blatantly not listening to you AND shoving you he'd find his little butt in his room so fast his head would spin. There would be no candy and the hockey gear would be put away until he earned it back. I would not sit there and play audience to his dramatics, he would be informed that when he was ready to act like a civilized human being and apologize for his behaviour he could join us. Yes he is 5 but even 5 year olds know that is unacceptable.

Absolutely agree!! This child will be seeing the inside of jails in the future if he isn't shown boundaries NOW! I know a thing or two about parenting boys (yes, five of them) and believe you me, they NEED boundaries and have to be taught respect.